TW: Death and Funerals

[Vegay]

So I've written a list that I've attached to my will about what I want at my funeral. I'll be cremated. My songs of choice are Tiny Dancer by Elton John going in, Memory by Barbara Streisand in the middle and Solsbury Hill by Peter Gabriel on exit. The buffet at the wake will be 100% vegan. I will be the only corpse at my funeral 😉.

I'm 41, so not old, but wondered if other people have thought about this, and written instructions of their wishes about their death?

Also, if you want to share, what would your songs be?

i don’t have one but my mums wishes are
‘do it as cheaply as possible. Don’t spend money on me out of grief because it won’t help with the healing. Line your own pockets, not someone else’s’

I think my wishes will be much the same. I don’t care what my family choose as I won’t know either way

@Prisonbreak I think that is a great attitude. I certainly wouldn't want unnecessary spending, but I suppose I will have some form of funeral, and so music and food would be my priority, even though I am there but I'm also not 🤣

I haven’t really thought about it but I love your songs and vegan food idea.

I have no intention of specifying what I want at my funeral. Funerals are for the living and they should decide what happens.

I just hope they play the music loud, eat what they want and drinks lots of excellent wine and whisky.

I'm only in my 30's but I have a funeral plan and I have left some instructions.

My son is a only child and he will have nobody else to help "pay" so I pay now for a funeral plan. I'm also a lone parent.

My basic requirements are

Cheapest wooden coffin (I will be cremated)
Orange and white flowers, just the one coffin spread on top.
I would like Billy Joel - She's always a woman to me as I'm lowered down.
Dress me in some nice cotton PJ's I want to be comfy 😂

@BlueKaftan cheers 🌱😁

@FiveShelties I hope they play that music loud, and have a great time.

@CaptainBarbosa I hope that it will be a very long, long time before that happens. I think it is great for you to do that but I hope your son gets to have you in his life for a very long time. Great song too

No, they can do what they like.
My last surviving parent did a prepaid plan requesting no mourners and no service, straight to cremation.
Totally not what we wanted.

Wow @Cubangal I'm sorry, and you obviously don't need to answer this, but are you being literal? No service at all?

As do I. But I'd feel awful if when he's 23 or something and I get hit by a bus and he's left to figure it all out 😬🤣

But yes fingers crossed it's not needed for another 50 years!! But at least by then I will have paid for everything, the plot, the headstone, the fees, and the "fancy bits"

I will add a caveat, whatever he feels is appropriate also so he has some say in it, like the order of service, hymns, and if he wanted to add another floral tribute or something. But at least the basics are done for him.

Yeah, nothing. Straight from the funeral directors to the crematorium.

My parents are looking into this, they've asked me what I think, but I just don't know.

@Cubangal I'm so sorry. I've lost both my parents, but, we did have services for them. Hope you are ok and I'm sorry if my post has upset you ❤

So sorry Cubangle.

My aunt provided detailed written instructions with the hymns, the readings, asking me to say a few words and naming the reader. It was great to discover and we were very impressed with her.

I keep meaning to do one.

I'm not having a funeral, I will have a direct cremation, no service. I had one for my DM, and my DF has already paid for his after having decided to have the same.

Having been closely involved with three funerals over the last few years where little was left to guide us in planning the funeral, despite each person telling us beforehand that they had planned it themselves, I would ask anyone who isn't bothered and would rather the living do what they want, I would ask you to make sure you've explained this to your loved ones.

We found it quite stressful in each case trying to plan something that really represented each person.

And if you don't want any kind of funeral or service please also discuss this with your loved ones as this can be quite tough for those left behind who may need the closure that can come from some kind of funeral.

I’m not having a funeral, I’m having a direct cremation.

I love those suggestions OP, the songs are beautiful. I'd like a woodland eco burial. I haven't told anyone that though - I probably should.

Funeral plan, funeral plan, funeral plan! It’s just become a regulated industry so yr money is safe.
One phone call & the plan kicks in. So much easier for your loved ones.
Direct cremation means no service and you’re disposed off at a time to suit the crematorium. Your funeral director will talk you through the options.

Yea, talking about death is entirely normal in my family.

Mum died last year, unexpectedly at 66. So not very old. There were no written instruction but we knew everything she wanted. The vast majority was stuck to. Some bits we didn’t but I had told her that when she was alive.

i am 40 and my adult daughter knows what I want. It’s always been entirely normal to discuss it

My grandad left instructions with his will, we didn’t look at that until after the funeral 😳

My dad had a surprisingly lovely wicker coffin (it still stings to say "dad" and "coffin" in the same sentence), and a service at the local crematorium. Buffet afterwards at the small local rugby club. Me and my mum chose the songs for the service, my sister chose a poem for the celebrant to read out.

We had a few flowers, but didn't want any from mourners - instead we had a box for people to donate to the Huntington's Disease Association, which is what Dad died of.

It was lovely. My dad always had his finances planned out in minute detail in life, so I was very surprised to discover he'd made no provision for his funeral, not even any specific wishes apart from cremation. I don't know if that made it easier or harder, tbh.

My father's funeral was very big and busy, and I hated it. My mum has indicated she doesn't care for the same sort of funeral, and is happy with a direct to crem affair. We'll be able to have a private remembrance of her when we've decided what to do with her ashes. My brother is OK with this too. I'd want this for myself too, and will leave it up to my kids to decide when the time comes. Whatever's easiest/best for them.

I'm having a direct cremation so no service. I've specified where I want my ashes scattered. The solicitor said it was the shortest "wishes" he'd seen

My step dad recently told me he didn't want a service. I was surprised, I hadn't known it was an option to do that.

At first I thought it was a bad idea, that the people left behind might want or need a funeral. Then I later thought it a good idea, people can still meet up to have a meal or a walk to talk about him.

I'm now considering no service for me. I hate the idea of my rich and full life being reduced to some polite words by someone who didn't know me!

Both of my parents have left really specific funeral instructions in their plans (very different wishes, one religious and one not) and I’m really grateful for that. It’s a comfort knowing it’s one thing we won’t have to make any decisions about when we are grieving, and no one will be able to argue about “what they would have wanted”.

Those saying they wouldn’t dream of specifying funeral wishes should rethink as they’ll be making it considerably harder for their families. Whether you’re religious or not and want a big thing or no service at all, all dead bodies have to be dealt with in some way so there are decisions to be taken and it’s not the time for ambiguity or “just do nothing” loftiness.