TW: Death and Funerals

[Vegay]

So I've written a list that I've attached to my will about what I want at my funeral. I'll be cremated. My songs of choice are Tiny Dancer by Elton John going in, Memory by Barbara Streisand in the middle and Solsbury Hill by Peter Gabriel on exit. The buffet at the wake will be 100% vegan. I will be the only corpse at my funeral 😉.

I'm 41, so not old, but wondered if other people have thought about this, and written instructions of their wishes about their death?

Also, if you want to share, what would your songs be?

My funeral plan would be
Do whatever works best for you, I won't care, I'll be dead.

My mum always said she didn't want to be cremated and wanted to be buried with a shovel, just in case. When she died suddenly and young my dad had her cremated, because she was gone and it was what he wanted. I still feel weird about it. He's arranged to donate his own body to a university.

I suppose it could be useful but I believe that the funeral is for those who remain and it needs to be for them.

To be completely honest whatever my loved ones do is completely fine, my only regret is that I won't be there.

Literally couldn’t care less what they do with me when I’m dead. I’d rather my dc use any spare money for a nice holiday!

My mum had a direct cremation and we sprinkled her ashes on her favourite dog walk. We aren’t funeral people but each to their own.

Laughing at this! ❤️😆

Complicated family situation but my DM, a lifelong atheist, left specific instructions for direct cremation. Her executors, who were her solicitors, completely ignored this and arranged a Christian service so that, they said, people from her sheltered accommodation could attend. No-one did.

When I took it up with them, the solicitors said they did not know direct cremation was possible, even though they had written it in successive wills for her over a period of 48 years!

How you ensure that your wishes are met, I don't know.

My mum and I talked about what she wanted before she died, as she'd changed her mind on cremation when she read about the environmental impact., we It was the last gift I could give her, making sure everything was exactly as she'd like.

"Don't let your brother order flowers whatever you do. I'm not going to have some bloody tacky NANNY in chrysanths at my funeral"

We still laugh about that.

I don't want lots of people there. Just the people who lived ne. That's the invitation criteria 👀 My daughter has the details of music etc. See no reason why you can't choose how you'd like it to be .

It is helpful to people to say, in advance, what our wishes would be.
In my case, a direct cremation - no funeral or service, no wake or gathering, no ashes scattering. Just nothing. Zilch. I will be dead, and there will be plenty of other paperwork for my executors to deal with, without the distraction & added pressure of a funeral.
I keep saying it out loud, so I hope someone is listening!

This.

Gosh! I couldn't care less. My thoughts are
More about what would happen to my
Child if i die young

Food and songs are irrelevant

I'm 35 and have had a full funeral plan paid for and described in my will since my early 20s

Control freak in life and in death as DH put it

I had to search what the theme was, I assume it's not this version by Doctor P, is it?

Both my parents did this. I think it was partly because I am the only child of only children, I have no children. And they were bath very elderly and had virtually no friends who could attend. My father told me he didn’t want my mother and I standing in the chapel virtually alone.

indidnt mind, I do what they wanted, I read the funeral service myself after I collected the ashes. They live in my heart, that’s all that matters.

I will leave the same instructions. DH says he doesn’t want my last sight of him to be in a box going towards the flames, so I would carry out his wish.

Some of these opinions are a bit contradictory though aren’t they?

On the one hand people say you should tell your family your wishes, and yet on the other hand people say that it is wrong to not have a funeral because you owe those left behind a funeral etc, which potentially goes against letting them know your wishes.

My view is that I want a direct cremation. The end. In terms of any other kind of memorial etc they can have whatever they can afford. Although if it’s some kind of depressing affair I will come back and haunt them.

It’s possible to think about both? I don’t think anyone with a pre-planned funeral has neglected to leave instructions about what should happen to their children if they die before they are adults.

I know I couldn’t care less what happens to me after I die either, I’ll be dead. But I do care that my DD isn’t put under any more stress than is necessary and part of that is leaving specific instructions so she doesn’t have to do the legwork of planning anything.

I'm an ex funeral director, whatever you do please don't put funeral arrangements in your will, it is often read after the funeral.

Better to leave the instructions with a couple of people or get a funeral plan.

Although I have to agree with other funeral's are for the bereaved, I've seen some families very upset about direct cremation if there isn't any kind of ceremony attached to it. Humans have done some kind of ceremony to mark life events since time began we clearly physiologically need them.

A funeral plan is great peace of mind. FIL died suddenly in June, the unexpected costs were difficult for MIL - especially as initially her access to the joint account was frozen. We then discovered that PIL actually had very little savings - practically nothing. We saved money where we could on the funeral e.g. type of coffin, only one car, just one spray of flowers for the coffin and used a local caterer (luckily also a family friend, he offered at a very competitive price).

I'm not going to leave a list of requests. I might request certain songs that I like, but the funeral is for the living relatives and how they will have seen me. If there are songs that they associate with me that will comfort them, then it is right that they choose those. I'll specify cremation over burial, but again, let my family choose where is special for them to scatter my ashes. I'd hate to specify a location for them to think "why on earth has mum chosen this spot?!" I'd like it to be somewhere they can say "remember we came here with mum and it was the best day ever?"

MIL died suddenly in 2019, she was 79 and had recently moved to sheltered accommodation but was in reasonable health. She left no instructions for anything so we (DH, his brother, brothers fiancée and me) were pretty much making it up as we went along. When going through her notes and diaries we found reference to a couple of pieces of classical music so used one of those during the service.

We had no idea where she wanted her ashes to be interred, we ended up splitting them and putting half with her parents and half in the town she had lived in for the last 25 years of her life.

After dealing with all the arrangements blind, I spoke to my parents and told them they needed to put some basics down on paper just so that we could be guided as to what they wanted.

Just bought a direct cremation plan, which is no embalming, no viewing, no service, no cars. My wife has surprised by also opting for the same thing. Wholesale cost of a direct cremation is 850, you can buy a plan for around a 1000, but doctors fees and return of ashes can add 300-400, so I went for the all in of 1450.

Was a bit annoyed at the price for the return of my ashes, and was thinking, "Sod that, I'll pick them up myself" oops!

Keep meaning to actually write my music choice down but they know I want cheap direct cremation if they are ok with that. If family would like a proper cremation with a little services it's up to them. I would rather than gathered afterwards and chatted, laughed and played my music

I haven't a partner or children and few relatives. If I die of old age, I don't know that there would be anyone to come to my funeral. That makes me sad.
I like the vegan food idea and also a PP's Billy Joel song.

Will is sorted and my advanced care plan. I work in healthcare and seen too many people given unnecessary and unwanted treatments, contrary to their wishes.

EOL partnership give lots of information

Will also add. Told family no service, straight to crem
Failing that I'm looking into body farms and medical, but medical can have strict policies regarding past medical history, health and even weight.

My sis & I talk about it a LOT. We're in our 60's so have seen a lot of funerals. I would agree with what @Sickoffamilydrama says, families do kinda need that closure, it was recently our mum's funeral & we put lots of hilarious memories into the eulogy, to make it as light hearted as possible for everyone. It worked well. Mum had had a long life. Myself, I'm planning a simple Christian funeral & will probably be cremated so that I can be dumped in with my parents - DH is buried nearly 200 miles away after I moved house. Don't want to put my kids through going all that distance.
I'm thinking on the lines of the vicar reading out that a song close to my heart will be played. Then 'Cheesecake gobble gobble cheesecake gobble gobble. CHEESECAKE!' from the Muppets.. ;-)

Wow, thank you all for being so honest and open, and sharing your plans - I didn't even realise direct cremation was a thing. I'm also loving the suggestions about eco funerals. Also, I'm sorry for those of you who have loved and lost.

@Hobbesmanc I'm loving your song choices. I think all of those songs are fab.

@Phillipa12 I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you've felt.

@Sickoffamilydrama thank you to you and a PP suggesting not to just attach it to my will. A very important piece of advice! I have now shown my dp where my list is.

@Oysterbabe there will be vegan sausage rolls I'm sure lol. There will be no vegan oyster alternatives though 😉.

@ChagSameachDoreen yes. I gave a TW not so much for the death part, although that could be extremely upsetting for some people, but it was more about the content which could be read in this thread. I'm happy to self-censor what I read, but I'm also happy for TWs concerning cruelty towards animals or children. I don't think a TW is irrelevant when talking about death ✌