TW: Death and Funerals

[Vegay]

So I've written a list that I've attached to my will about what I want at my funeral. I'll be cremated. My songs of choice are Tiny Dancer by Elton John going in, Memory by Barbara Streisand in the middle and Solsbury Hill by Peter Gabriel on exit. The buffet at the wake will be 100% vegan. I will be the only corpse at my funeral 😉.

I'm 41, so not old, but wondered if other people have thought about this, and written instructions of their wishes about their death?

Also, if you want to share, what would your songs be?

DM wants to be lowered in to the ground to the Tetris theme tune.
I also love the vegan food idea, may nick that.

I'm 41 and had my plans for years, my husband is aware of my feelings. I have a great dislike of being with a dead body at the cremation, the fact that you're in a room with a husk. I've been to many funerals and I just hate it, I believe the option has already moved on and it's just flesh. I'm also vegetarian as I can't eat dead flesh, it's obviously just something about me.
So my actual funeral I want to be as small and plain and cheap as possible. I do want a cofe vicar to say some words as I have faith.
On a separate day I want a huge celebration party. Music, food, photos and fun to remember me.
Dh wants to be buried, it's his one stipulation so I'll make sure that happens.
It's important to discuss your plans, especially around things like last rites etc.

I think it can be pretty helpful for bereaved people to have an idea of wishes. It's hard to make decisions at a time of loss, and different family members can have different ideas.

My funeral wishes are written down and in an envelope with my sister. The only thing family get to decide are the readings and coffin. My 3 year old daughter died 8 years ago and I will be having the same flowers and hymns as her and my entrance and exit music will be Wings from Birdy, the acoustic version. Oh and in capital letters at the top of the page I have written, no ex husband......if he happened to be still alive I wouldn't put it past him to turn up!

My friend’s brother just had the same. Private cremation, no service.

NC as possibly outing.

Talking about death is very normal in my family. It comes up almost every time I chat with my mum, which is basically a daily occurrence.

I've always known where I want to be buried (not cremated, please). I would like to reserve my plot but need to now consider my DH, too. As for specific pieces, I've got one hymn (Lord of all Hopefulness) and one passage from the Bible. I'm not really religious tbh, but I find great comfort in them.

I want a woodland eco burial (after finding out how bad cremation is for the environment!) and my family know the song I'd like. I haven't written any of this down (probably should) but I've told several people so hopefully someone will remember.

Do you and your ex have children together? If so you are depriving your kids if their surviving parent.

Oh gosh I've just re-read about your daughter. I'm so sorry 💞

My DM died during lockdown and there were 7 of us at the funeral. I found that ideal, I didn't want to deal with loads of friends and neighbours at that time, but it was incredibly important to say goodbye. My friends DM died at the same time and requested no funeral, which they complied with. 6 months on she is struggling with closure (for want of a better word) as she never felt she said goodbye. So for those saying no funeral please remember a funeral isn't for you, you won't know one way or another, but those left behind have to have a final goodbye.

I went to a funeral earlier in the year that had been planned in detail by the deceased and it was a bit of an endurance test to be honest. I have written some suggestions but thinking about trimming them!

I've asked for I Will Follow You Into The Dark by death cab for cutie.

I was sitting with my mum last week who's very unwell now but she could still respond to I Could Have Danced All Night from my Fair Lady, and I think that might be nice to have at her funeral.

I’m looking at leaving my body to medicine so there won’t be any funeral just a memorial type gathering. I’ve got a playlist started with all my favourite music which they can play.
The family aren’t overjoyed with my decision but understand.

I think it’s such a kind thing to sort out your funeral, it’s like the final act of love. My gran had everything picked and paid for, from the cars to the music. We just had to choose flowers.

My MIL who didn’t believe in talking about death or money left us in a right mess - All her money tied up in Ireland and no instructions so FIL wanted to pay for the most expensive of everything and got absolutely rinsed by everyone - DH and SIL rowed over music, the buffet, paying for stuff. It was just awful.

She was elderly too and had never spoken to her husband about her wishes.

Straight to crem here, no service.

Family to have a meal from a fund. Friends to do whatever they feel appropriate. I have asked that everyone does a litter picking session.

I really don’t think many people know how much a “normal” funeral is. My FIL died early 2020, we had virtually the same service at crematorium 3 years earlier for MIL, which was £4,000, DIL’s was nearly £6,000. Only difference was we had 2 cars instead of one, coffin was the same. My friends Mum died in lockdown, so they were only able to have a few at the funeral, but in the summer they had a massive party. I agree people need to speak about what they want and leave instructions.

Trigger warning for death?? I've seen it all now!

My mum had her funeral planned down to the minute detail. She been a part of her community all her life so it was a big church funeral and wake.

I'd not seen many of the attendees since I left home years before and I found it really comforting to see so many familiar faces. It sounds weird but I actually enjoyed the wake despite our grieving.

I've mine planned too. I'd definitely want as many friends and family there as possible. For there to be some tears but more laughter. However I keep changing my mind on the songs. I'm thinking Kirsty McColl Thank you for the Days and Joni Mitchell Both sides now. And deffo Mama Cass. Make your own kind of music.

wottabargain my family are aware of my wishes and agree. A total waste of money. They can organise a memorial or knees up if they wish but there will be no cremation service.
I also expect people to appreciate me when I'm alive, not eulogise me when I'm dead.

I’ve written suggestions including music, readings, no flowers but apart from the one non-negotiable (destination of ashes) I’ve said I’m happy for them to do what they want. I just hope it gives them guidance.

OH refuses to discuss it but one day did give me a list of his Desert Island Discs which I guess is to help with music choices. Obviously I know him well as I would have chosen most of them for him too.

Permanent- how lovely about I could have danced - similarly my Mum only sings one hymn now so that will have to be for her when the time comes

I've left a detailed list of options for the children to choose from. There are hymns, music in and out, Bible readings and a poem all ready to go.

I've done a lot of funerals and it really does make it easier on a grieving family if the deceased made their wishes known. It stops family arguments when one child is adamant that she knows what mum would have wanted and all the other children know mum would have hated it but they go along with it for an easy life. One sad scenario is when a musical parent has unmusical children and the minister/celebrant and ends up going through the CD collection or music on the piano to work out what might be appropriate.

Death is a serious but inevitable thing and I do wonder about straight to crem funerals and whether it helps or hinders grieving. Some of my parishioners have experienced these. One was due to cost and they arranged their own get together at the same time to mark the passing of a beloved sister. Others were because the younger members of the family wanted direct to crem and that left older members of the family who were expecting some sort marking of the death feeling oddly bereft.

I know you can't please everyone yet ritual is important. It marks the change in the narrative of a loved one with us p, to a loved one who is dead, but still loved and well remembered. It can be done in more creative ways than a service with hymns and songs but it needs to be done. Getting together in the pub to remember and tells stories is a sort of ritual. Humans are meaning making and community creatures and throughout history we have found ways to mark that transition in families that occurs when someone dies. We are losing that.

My gran did that and I admire her so much for it. She wasn't religious and it was her all over wanting to be useful even at the end. They did return her body after a few years and we had a very short service at the crematorium, just three of us close relatives and the coffin.

I can't decide whether to do that or just have a direct cremation. My mum wants a direct cremation, no funeral. Absolutely fine by me.

I was going to have a cremation and wrote out a funeral plan. "Fire" by The Crazy World of Arthur Brown for when my coffin went behind the curtain and Louis Armstrong singing What a Wonderful World for going out music. I specified no hymns and no mention of God or Heaven.

Since then I've decided that I really don't want any fuss so I have paid for a direct cremation instead of a funeral.

Mine is the same. I’ve pre paid for a direct cremation. No people, no music, no service.
I know very few people in the UK and they are scattered around the country. Most of my friends live overseas. I’d hate my DDs and dgc to have to be the only ones in a crem, it’d be miserable for them. They can scatter my ashes somewhere they want and drink champagne.

I don't like funerals, although the 'wake' afterwards can be surprising good, so I'm thinking of donating my body to medical science. That way you avoid the funeral and just have the 'wake'.

I do understand this would not be appropriate for many people and also it is worth noting that if you donate your body your cannot donate organs - they need it 'complete'.

www.kcl.ac.uk/research/london-anatomy-office

The London Anatomy Office was established in the early 1980s to provide a central service for co-ordinating the donation of bodies to the London medical and dental schools.
Nearly 20,000 generous and public spirited people are currently registered with the London Anatomy Office to donate their body.

If there's no sausage rolls I'm not coming.