to think i am obscene?

[RosesandMoonshine]

I have suffered a weird sort of stress for two years, in that time i have somehow gone from being a nail biter to actually having no nails whatsoever. Like there is no remnant of nail left. Most of my fingers are open and sore and bitten, and there is no discernible nail left on any of my fingers.

I appreciate that this is bad, that I have a problem, but it is odd because it is a fairly solvable issue and my life isn't so bad at all. I am not struggling in obvious ways like money or abuse, etc.

However, I have, since my mother passed away, bitten my nails off completely and now have mangled stumps with sores and ripped skin. I have tried, time and again, to stop this, and it seems like I can't.
My hands are a mess, red and bloody and sore. My nail beds are destroyed and there is no remnant of nail there. If you google bitten nails, the pictures still show some nail. Mine are destroyed, like something out of a horror film. Sometimes I put short, false nails on, but the glue won't take as my nail bed is so mangled.

In real life I look ordinary and ok, you would never guess I have this fucked up secret. I hide them at all costs. Is there any way to trick the mind into stopping picking at hard skin? As I try so hard to quit eating them, the skin dries hard and tempts me to snig it off, opening up sores and more issues.

This is dermatillomania, I'd speak to the gp actually and they'll be able to recommend the best course of treatment might be anti anxiety medication to ease you in combined with some form of behaviour focused talking therapy. I know you said you didn't like cbt before but I think a lot depends on the actual therapist and how much you connect with them. I went for a while and hated it, then came back to it later to a different person and it was a much better experience. It didn't 'fix me' straight away but it helped. I'd recommend getting the tub of foul tasting stuff you dip your fingers in. It puts you off biting or wearing thin gloves when you're at home so you can't pick at them. Plus doing any other stress outlets you love which it sounds like you've started. Also journalling helps identify times you're more likely to pick and situations that might be triggering it. I struggled with skin picking, still do the odd time when I'm extremely stressed and anxious, but honestly it can get better. you will need to be patient it took me years to get to where I am now but to be fair a lot of that time I didn't recognise what I was doing at all so it's great you've already made that connection and want to change it. One thing I found really helpful was when I caught myself doing it I would say out loud I'm done, and physically step back or get up and go do something else to distract myself. It takes time to firstly catch yourself in the act and secondly have the willpower to stop but if you can get there then you really limit the damage you can do to your skin which lets it start healing. And the more it heals the less there is to pick I found. There's also some good online resources and forums might be worth looking into? One thing I would say, I spoke to a few GPS before I realised what was actually going on (I thought I just had skin problems) I don't think they'd heard of dermatillomania before so didn't identify it. So if you decide to speak to your gp name it with them so they can fully understand what's happening just incase they haven't dealt with it in the past.

You are absolutely not obscene though- your brain is just trying to find a way to process the rough time you've had and cope with the anxious feelings. It's perfectly natural and normal and much more common than people realise. Be gentle with yourself.

Just this stopping when it goes to my mouth would be the best thing.To actually resist.

I mean I've been tempted by one of those dog cones from time to time…

No, OP, you’re not obscene. You’re a human being who has suffered a trauma, who is still under severe stress, and your body has channeled that into a less-common way to handle the anxiety. It isn’t a choice; it’s a compulsion. Your mind is trying to survive more stress than it can bear by distracting itself. Millions of people suffer from this every day, even if it doesn’t show on their fingers in the same way as it does on yours; please don’t feel you’re alone.

Obviously, millions of people bite their nails, and you did, too. But you realize that it became much more extreme when you lost your mum and your cat (I’m so sorry) and you haven’t been able to get a handle on it because you’re stuck in a bad relationship that causes you immense stress (I’m sorry about that too!!!). These things are not your fault, and what has happened to your nails isn’t your fault, either. Please. Have the same compassion for yourself that you’d have for a stranger who had this. Sometimes I think we can be so cruel to ourselves when, if it were happening to someone else, we’d never say these things to them. And it would be easier to say: “well, they can’t help themselves, can they? But me, I should be able to do better.” But why? We’re all doing the best we can.

I bit my nails for three decades and I finally HAD to stop because I have an autoimmune condition and it can cause micro-cuts in my mouth to get infected now. And even knowing that, and suffering a few, I still have incredible trouble not biting my nails during times of stress. And it’s necessary for my health! The only thing that helped me - not therapy, not hypnosis, not fake nails or nail polish or gloves or anything else on my nails - was having something to replace it completely 1 for 1. I had to have to something I could do every time I would have bitten my nails. Every single time. Some people recommend putting a rubber band around your wrist and snapping it but I don’t, as you won’t be able to do that as often as you need to, and unless part of the compulsion is an addiction to the pain, there’s no cause to hurt yourself. I had to get something I could fidget with all the time. Please try googling “sensory objects” or “chews for adults.” It sounds ridiculous, since they’re a bit like chew toys for adult humans. But much softer. I was able to use one of these (I kept one of these on a lanyard under my blouse), and then eventually switched to a spinning ring on my finger, one that I could twist around and around. They’re all very cheap on Amazon, and while I don’t support a lot of plastic tat, this is a bit different. It was pretty important for me to break the habit, or risk even more mouth infections, so I had to find a way.

Good luck, OP. But please, please don’t feel guilty, and please don’t feel disgusting. You aren’t. You’re just a person, who is trying to get through life, like all of us.

I've been pulling my eye lashes out since I was 9. It's satisfying and hard to resist. I guess it's like when animals are stressed and lick off patches of fur, or caged birds pull their feathers out.

OP I have similar compulsions. I find flossing works very well for me, with regular dental floss. Also braiding my hair in small braids and then undoing them. Getting a small pair of scissors and methodically snipping off split ends. Anything that takes a bit of focus and both hands.

thank you so very, very much. These comments are so truly helpful. It is good to come out of the dark, so to speak.
I will take on the suggestions here and see how it goes. To remain conscious is the e best thing, which I have managed to do tonight, to resist nibbling them or putting them near my mouth.

It leaves me quite disabled usually, as the sores won't allow me to wash my hair without pain, or prepare food, so I have to use thin gloves to peel garlic and onion and get my partner to squeeze lemon onto things. Once the fingers are damaged, it is unbearable to expose them to water, let alone anything acidic.

I am more interested in stopping it than finding more aids like coverings or plasters. I have done this for a long time but it never stops the problem. It is a mind thing, and even meditation hasn't helped (although it has in other areas).

You're not obscene OP. It's so common. I went through similar, never biting my nails but obsessed with nibbling off cuticle, to the point that I nibbled it off all the way back to the first knuckle at one point. They were so swollen and raw. It's definitely a symptom of stress in another area, but I was able to fix it bizarrely when I got invisalign. I can't bite through the skin because of the thick plastic on my teeth. I'm still in invisalign, and I don't know what will happen when I'm finished. I want to say I won't bite them but I feel like I might. When I don't have the trays in, my teeth feel sort of 'fragile' and I don't want to bite anything, so it hasn't been an issue.

I did start going too far with a cuticle nipper so I threw them out before it got worse. I just can't have access to them. I use a cuticle remover that eats dead tissue but not living, and that turns it to mush and lets me wipe it off. I don't know if something like that might help or whether it would be a terrible thing to start!

One of my daughters does the same, and she manages it when it's bad with a 'safety finger'. She lets herself bite all the others but not that one. Once it's healed, there's nothing to bite on it. Then she designates another safety finger until that one heals too. She is usually working on one scabby thumb, but at least it's not 10 fingers that won't heal. One of my best friends in school got septicaemia from nail biting. It was scary and could have been a lot worse.

I bit my nails badly from childhood to my early forties. The impulse is still there, but I've been 'clean' for almost twenty years. Still remember how much it hurt though!

Soothing, repetitive things which involved using my hands helped (still helps!) me. Something like knitting, or cross-stitch; drawing, or colouring. Something where you can see your hands, but they're busy doing something. The repetitive movements helped to calm my brain.

I used nail oil, too. When I wasn't doing anything in particular, if I felt like chewing I'd put a drop of nail oil on one finger and concentrate on massaging it in for a couple of minutes. Next time, the next finger, and so on. The oil itself is soothing and the massaging is another repetitive movement.

Finding a sympathetic nail tech helps, too. Once I had a bit of nail there and the worst of the soreness had gone, regular manicures and extensions made it possible for me to grow my nails out to a decent length. They're not the best set in the world and they're still - even now - a bit weak, but they're a heck of a lot better than they were.

You can do it OP! You're certainly not alone in this, and it's not obscene.

You poor thing. I was similar and starting on antidepressants (Citalopram) stopped it almost completely.

Ouch OP, that looks incredibly painful. I hope you get to break the cycle.

I just stopped one day. Literally stopped. Just looked at them and had enough of abusing myself like that. I was 47 when I stopped. I bit them for 40 years

This is amazing and gives me hope as I have also been picking for 40 years. I bite my nails but only until they are very short but my cuticles really take a hammering. DS noticed they were lumps when they should be flat and that made me think omg I have to stop but it's a compulsion that started when I was very young and got worse when DM passed away and is also linked to stress, anxiety and pmt/ hormone problems. I tried anti depressants but no help and now I'm on hrt.

I also rip my toenails off. So sitting on the sofa sockless is bad news! I do feel like a freak for doing it.

I think the suggestion of keeping your hands occupied with knitting or colouring is a good one. I tried knitting once but everything I try never works for long and I never seem to have the willpower to just stop. I think I'll look up habit reversal therapy as a pp suggested.

I do wonder if part of me is addicted to the pain and also that takes my mind off whatever is worrying me so I just keep picking.

I hope you find a path through it, op, and i wish you all the best of luck with it.
There has been so much great advice and help here so thank you to all for this as it has helped me too!

I found carrying a nail file everywhere and smoothing off the rough bits helped. When they were smooth the overwhelming urge to pick faded.

I now have VERY short but presentable nails.

The problem is this is deeply embedded. Anything you consciously do such as rub something on will only heighten your awareness of them, so will only delay or make worse the inevitable.
Find a very good hypnotherapist that is on the hypnotherapy register as they would have done formal, accredited qualifications.
You need different anchors to be set.
Good luck OP. You can do this.

Hand cream and hypnotherapy. Can you start knitting/crochet/sewing when you sit and watch tv to keep your hands busy?
This won’t be an impossible habit to cure, your brain needs reprogramming. Good luck.

Another vote for hypnotherapy. They look so sore.

Can you get that thing that makes your finger tips taste god awful all day? It's like a wet sponge you stick your fingers in but it lasts even after hand washing. Makes eating crisps a bit impossible as the taste transfers but probably worth it.
I would say that combined with an anxiety ring so you've a habit to replace but not a damaging one, meds and therapy? Once you've got enough nail bed get at least gels if not acrylics regularly.

I read online when you get that feeling to nail bite/skin pick/hair pull etc to make a fist (not clenched hard) for one minute every time the urge happens.

As mentioned try to keep your hands busy or buy a squeeze stress buster or fidget spinner/item.

Hypnotherapy.

Don't feel alone or obscene. It's an ingrained compulsive habit born out of stress and anxiety. At the moment the pleasure of the release outweighs the pain. But it can be changed.
I would ask for a referral for CBT too. It can be really helpful for redirecting the thoughts driving the behaviour.
I've had a lifelong issue with hair pulling and it was worst in my 20's but is negligible now. I still pull the odd strand out but can easily stop. Ditto skin, scab picking! Aren't we lovely 😁
My DD has this too - she's a very neat nail biter and also picks when stressed. She's had CBT and found it helpful she's also got some techniques for dealing with compulsions which work more often than they don't.
You can learn to live with these behaviours. One of the lightbulb moments for DD was learning to resist to give in to the compulsion and finding it lessens by itself. Feeding the compulsion does lock you into a cycle.

It sounds like you need to focus on your relationship, either making it work for you or leaving? Why are you doing this in increments?

Me too, I have a few scabs on my head that I never let heal. This year I also have a chin hair that I keep feeling until it gets to the point that I have to pluck it and then I miss it.

"anything that takes a bit of focus and both hands" - this is what I have found, too.

OP, you said you do this when you're relaxing. That's also when I pick/pluck/whatever. Find something to occupy both hands - crochet/knitting/lino cutting/doodling. Can all be done while sitting on the sofa.

In my experience it is initially very difficult to break these habits, but once you've allowed the affected body part(s) to recover, the urge is gone. Very hard not to start back up again when you get some skin damage/whatever triggers the behaviour, though. 😓

I had the same issue and had the help of a psychotherapist for mine.

I didn't even know I was doing it. I had always bitten my nails but it escalated when I lost my dad and part of this was he was always the one to tell me to stop when he saw me nibbling.

I have managed, with the therapy and also seeing a sympathetic nail tech for gel and extensions etc, to get my nails from your length ie nothing there to this since 31 December.... so proud!

I know they're very short but they're finally 100% my nails! Builder gel overlaid and that's it