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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Someone should be doing something about this inappropriate situation?

53 replies

nightmare11 · 10/09/2022 21:54

I have NC as could be very outing.

For background: my 14 yo nephew is very defiant and has been always. Many issues with him over the years including refusing to go to school, totally ignoring any boundaries, doing what he likes.

In the last week it has came to light he is spending time with a 50 odd yo woman, along with boys and girls around his ages 14 and younger. The woman is buying them cigarettes and driving them around in her car. She lives in a completely different town to nephew.

He was due to go to his dads this weekend, but didn't come home to be collected, said he'd get dropped off, then tried to say he'd come back in the morning. Dad obviously not happy and went to look. Met nephews mum in this town as well and called police when nephew was refusing to go home. Meanwhile parents of the other children began to become aware of what was going on, the kids had told them they were staying with a friend. All parents out trying to get their kids home.

Police were useless said they have no concerns over the woman, although admitted if it was a male 50 yo then the situation would be different! Resulted in 14yo assaulting his dad but police refused to do anything about it and said have two choices either goes home with mum or dad, both refused and said can't manage as he will just go back out and get picked up again. Police said can't get social involved as it's over a weekend and didn't think good idea to take him in late on a Friday night amongst other people that may be getting locked up.

Nephew finally got convinced to go home with mum, but then packed bags and left home again and is back with the woman. Police called again, won't do anything as they've no concerns over the woman and he's not a missing child. This led to nephews mum consenting for him to stay with the woman until the morning. Previous history suggests this is just a delay and the cycle will continue.

WTAF can be done?! Any advice most welcome. He won't engage with me or other family.

OP posts:
GeorgiaGirl52 · 10/09/2022 22:11

If police won't do anything, parents should contact SS directly and report it as a safeguarding issue or interference with custody.

bakebeans · 10/09/2022 22:14

Sounds like grooming to me. I can't understand why nothing is being taken seriously

Georgeskitchen · 10/09/2022 22:14

Speak to the most senior police officer in the area and threaten to bring in the press if they don't act immediately.

Dereliction of duty are words that come to mind

DenholmElliot1 · 10/09/2022 22:17

I agree with PP you could contact social services but realistically, where-ever they move your nephew to, he's just going to go back to that woman again isn't he?

Whats your concern about her? Is she playing a motherly role towards him or something more unsavoury.

Ragged · 10/09/2022 22:21

how does he know the 50yo woman? I just had safe-guarding training session (school volunteer) & this screams grooming. or county-lines

forlornlorna1 · 10/09/2022 22:21

I agree with @Georgeskitchen go over the police head and really kick up a fucking fuss.

I'd be tempted to pay that horrible bitch who's "taken in" your nephew a friendly visit !!!

fUNNYfACE36 · 10/09/2022 22:23

More worrying. Why doesn't he want to eat home?

BloodyCamping · 10/09/2022 22:26

County lines? Grooming? What do the other parents know about the situation? Is it worth talking to the woman and asking her to stop having the kids round? Its also possible that’s she is a vulnerable adult being taken advantage of. Would the 14 year old be open to counselling? Has he any role models or hopes for the future? If he isn’t engaged in education are there colleges which take 14 year olds? Some do.

Original poster
nightmare11 · 10/09/2022 22:32

I'm not sure it's a motherly role, she is not known to nephews family. Picking him up all hours of the day and night, buying them things that they are underage for, he smokes weed openly and not clear where from.
His mum paid her a visit last night, the woman stood laughing at her window with all the kids behind her whilst all h the parents were outside. She clearly doesn't care she's already been told to
stay away from him.

As I say he's always been defiant, won't engage with any services, school offered college if he attends a term, he's not even been to school once.

He's a child that just cannot be controlled.

OP posts:
Original poster
nightmare11 · 10/09/2022 22:34

Can I speak to police and SS directly myself? How do I go about even making contact with the most senior police officer?

OP posts:
fairgame84 · 10/09/2022 22:35

This is so wrong.
If it was a man and a 14yo girl the police would do something. They are letting your nephew down.
What the hell does a 50yo woman need to be hanging out with kids for?

StaunchMomma · 10/09/2022 23:01

It's these kinds of vulnerable kids who get groomed for county lines or organised crime gangs and once they're in it's so hard to get out.

I'd bet my last quid that there are drugs in that house.

Noteverybodylives · 10/09/2022 23:14

I would be letting the school know and giving them names of all of the boys and girls and say you believe they could be getting involved with country lines - schools are hot on this and will at least keep a close eye and report any suspicious conversations or behaviour.

These reports if flagged up enough will go to SS or the police.

You and the other parents just need to keep reporting every small thing.

At the minute there’s no proof she’s doing anything wrong.

But if the police are getting multiple reports then it’s going to build a bigger picture and the police will more likely be able to do something.

I’d also be contacting the local shops and telling them that this women is buying is buying cigarettes and alcohol for underage kids.
Shops can get in a lot of trouble if they sell knowing they’re going to be given to someone underage so they’ll also keep her on their radar and possibly report her to police.

Completelyovernonsense · 10/09/2022 23:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at poster's request

stillvicarinatutu · 10/09/2022 23:39

That shocks me hugely as a police officer - she has zero parental responsibility so for me - police should have removed him .
I would definitely ask for clarification around this from the police themselves.tho ha often get misconstrued or misreported but I find this difficult to believe they've said they can't do anything? I take it this woman is not a family member?

stillvicarinatutu · 10/09/2022 23:40

nightmare11 · 10/09/2022 22:34

Can I speak to police and SS directly myself? How do I go about even making contact with the most senior police officer?

Have you got the original incident number ? If so it's easier to direct a complaint to the relevant inspector and Sgt - ring 101 and ask to log a complaint re incident number xxxx - a Sgt should ring you . If no joy there - ask to speak to the duty inspector. Take names .

SparrowsNest · 10/09/2022 23:51

I would be contacting Police Safeguarding team and Social Services - there will be an Out of Hours/Emergency Duty Team. Also the school first thing on Monday morning to make sure it is on everyone's agenda. Write out specific concerns so the information can be emailed - much harder to ignore/minimise than a phone call. If you know any of the other parents, suggest they do the same.

BackOfff · 11/09/2022 07:12

Email SS and the senior police. Make a digital trail of evidence. Give the woman's name and address. Detail the youth weed smoking, cigarettes and grooming concerns. The mother needs to not give permission, for the boy to stay there. There may be not a lot you can do, but at least if your write to those in authority, you have done your part. The boy will eventually look back in shame.

BackOfff · 11/09/2022 07:24

It's an offence to allow drug use in one's home. If you can get proof the woman is allowing this, she could be prosecuted. If you can, hire a private detective to do a background check on the woman and try to get evidence of drug use and grooming. Basically, if you keep kicking up a fuss, it will disrupt the woman.

wizzler · 11/09/2022 07:27

Report to Local Authority Designated Officer. This is a safeguarding issue

MiauzenKatzenjammer · 11/09/2022 07:34

Has anyone tried to find out why the boy is clearly not happy at home?

BitchyHen · 11/09/2022 07:35

nightmare11 · 10/09/2022 22:34

Can I speak to police and SS directly myself? How do I go about even making contact with the most senior police officer?

First step is to find your local safeguarding hub. Google 'town nephew lives in' safeguarding hub which should get you the number. It will be out of hours today, but a duty social worker should be informed and contact you soon.
I agree with previous poster that contacting school on Monday is a good step as it will help to keep nephew's friends safe too.

Neverplayleapfrogwithaunicorn · 11/09/2022 07:37

This definitely sounds like county lines!

Neverplayleapfrogwithaunicorn · 11/09/2022 07:38

Please read about the case of Harry Baker from Barry.

bodie1890 · 11/09/2022 07:41

I can't understand why they said there are 'no concerns' about this women - surely you are raising a concern that she is grooming children?

You'll have to wait until Monday and report it to MASH (your local authority safeguarding team). They should take it more seriously as they will know the dangers of something like this.