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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband referred to another women as 'one of his best friends'

74 replies

Jjeas · 10/09/2022 20:36

Husband of 8 years, partner of 16, described his female friend to a mutual friend as 'one of his best friends'.
It has made me feel odd. I really don't suspect anything aside from friendship but I also don't know why I feel so odd, knowing my DH think as another woman as a best friend feels weird. AIBU to feel this weirdness?

We have been together for 16 years I consider us to be best friends and I do think he thinks the same. He has a few lads from high school/uni who are his best friends but I suppose it just feels a bit strange to me that he has people beyond that he considers 'best friends'.

To put in context, I was talking to a friend while half listening in to his conversation. He was talking to an acquaintance about property when he said; "oh one of my best friends and her partner just moved to that area'. This can only be a woman he is friends with from work. I knew they were friends but never would have considered my DH would have viewed her as one of his besties.
We socialise with her as a couple, she has a partner of 15 years, I like her too and I do not consider anything untoward in the slightest, I guess I just never thought they were as close or that my DH viewed her as 'one of best friends'.
The not sure why I felt strange she is a great girl, my DH is a cracking husband it just threw me off.
Wanted to know:
AIBU: don't mention how you feel to your husband, he views her as a close friend that's it.
YANBU: ask your husband further about why he considers her one of his best friends.

If you think YANBU how can I casually bring this up in conversation, without it sounding like I was eavesdropping on his conversation / seeming like I am an uber jealous wife.

OP posts:
Fupoffyagrasshole · 10/09/2022 20:43

Why can’t she be one of his best friends?? I don’t really understand the issue.

billy1966 · 10/09/2022 20:46

I would think he means she's a good buddy, no more.

Nothing in it IMO.

luxxlisbon · 10/09/2022 20:48

I don’t really understand what there is to bring up to him.
Why do you need him to justify why he considers her one of his best friends?

Aquamarine1029 · 10/09/2022 20:49

One of my husband's very close friends is female. It's never bothered me in the slightest. Unless you have good reason to be suspicious or their relationship is inappropriate, you'd be totally out of order to mention this to him.

allinatizzy · 10/09/2022 20:49

To be honest, I probably wouldn't love hearing that, either, but as you have no reason to be suspicious and as far as you know he's done nothing wrong, there's no reason to discuss it. I'd try to put it to the back of my mind.

If you did ask, what would you expect or hope to hear? I don't think there's much he can say. He'll just feel scrutinised and possibly under suspicion, which won't do either of you any good.

DixonD · 10/09/2022 20:50

It wouldn’t bother me but then my DH has always had female friends that he would consider among his best friends.

gabsdot45 · 10/09/2022 20:51

My husband's best friend is a woman. And they only became friends within the last 5 years.
She's married too.
It is a bit weird but I really like her too and I trust my husband.
I can't imagine myself having such a close male friend but I'm different.

UmbrellaSparrow · 10/09/2022 20:52

YABU. I've been with my partner for 17 years. One of my best friends is male. Nothing more to it.

"without it seeming like I am an uber jealous wife.". ... you cant. Because that is what you are.

saraclara · 10/09/2022 20:52

My late DH and I both have/had 'best friends' of the opposite sex. I didn't, and wouldn't turn a hair at that kind of conversation.

JudgeJ · 10/09/2022 20:53

Because he worked in Primary schools many of my OH's friends were female! You have to be a very insecure person to get too wound up over this! We liked different types of films and sometimes I would go with the male half of a couple of friends who shared my preferencve and he would go with the woman, we'd then meet up for drinks later!

AssumingDirectControl · 10/09/2022 20:53

I imagine that my husband would consider a woman he works with as one of his best friends, along with her husband. They’re a lovely couple and we socialise with them together. If he was secretive about it, it’d be an issue, but he’s not. It sounds like that’s the same for your husband, OP.

SirSamVimesCityWatch · 10/09/2022 20:55

I'm female, one of my best friends is male. He'd count me as one of his best friends too (he'd better, anyway, I was his best man a couple of years ago!). We're friends, that's it. Known each other twenty years. It happens.

Cw112 · 10/09/2022 20:56

Yabu but I still think you should talk to your husband about it because it made you feel a certain way and I think communication might reassure that provided you don't go in with a suspicious or challenging approach. My dh has a few female besties and I've never had a problem with them as I've met and get on with both. I would however talk anything through with him that I felt funny about because I do think honesty is the best policy. So I would just bring it up in passing, say you overheard the call and that you felt surprised at your own reaction and wanted to talk it through because its not something you've ever felt before.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 10/09/2022 20:57

Any second now someone will come along and say the "cool wives" are out in force and we're all lying / deluded / desperate.
Firstly, there's nothing basically wrong with opposite sex friends or even best friends
Second, in this particular scenario you're not even talking about a female friend who your DH is seeing for dinner or a trip or helping move or something, it's literally that he described her as a "best friend". From your description that sounds like shorthand for longstanding friend, part of a group. For that to be an issue for you is definitely odd.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/09/2022 20:58

It’s not weird. One of my best friends is a man, I’ve known him much longer than my husband, we’ve been through loads over the years. He and DH have become very close and the woman my friend has married in the last couple of years is a close friend to both of us.

We’re all close friends, it’s lovely, comfortable, they’re both bloody brilliant.

You can’t raise this without sounding mega paranoid.

Original poster
Jjeas · 10/09/2022 21:14

Thanks everyone.
Just being silly. Mentioned it to a friend straight after overhearing and she made a fave which probably set me over thinking.
Like another poster said all my 'best friends' are people I have known from school and uni and are also female so I was just taken by surprise when he referred to her that way as I don't have close best friends that are male or work colleagues.
Aside from us socialising infrequently as a couple with her and her partner, they only see each other at work so did not think it was as close as it was.
Lovely woman, no concerns if anythjng romantic, just my own insecurities clearly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jjeas · 10/09/2022 21:21

@gabsdot45 have you ever brought it up with your DH that you find it slightly odd? I know this is my issue not his but I also would like to be honest with my DH, not to stop the friendship he had but just so he is aware. I suppose it is just that closeness after a relatively short amount of time perhaps that had thrown me or rather not being aware my DH has such a close relationship with someone aside from people he has known for years /me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jjeas · 10/09/2022 21:31

@Fupoffyagrasshole she can be, just looking for some objective feedback about how I am feeling. If I was to ask our group of mutual friends they would likely justify how I felt to not make me feel bad so just wondered what others thought that's all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jjeas · 10/09/2022 21:32

Thanks @billy1966 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
Jjeas · 10/09/2022 21:33

@luxxlisbon don't need him to justify anything just threw me off hearing him refer to her in this way and just trying to figure out why I might feel like that. See I AIbU so will figure out how I feel first before raising it with DH

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 10/09/2022 21:33

I don't understand why you need or want to bring this up.

Original poster
Jjeas · 10/09/2022 21:35

@Aquamarine1029 okay useful to know. Just threw me off hearing him refer to another woman like this. My issue obviously, thanks for taking time to feedback.

OP posts:
Calphurnia88 · 10/09/2022 21:36

You're overthinking this. My DP has a longstanding female colleague (and an attractive one too) who he would probably consider a best friend if prompted. Doesn't bother me at all.

That said, if you think you're going to fester on this then it might be worth saying something along the lines of 'Oh I overheard you saying to Debra the other night that Susan is one of your best friends. I didn't realise you two were so close?' There's a possibility that this will come across paranoid, especially if you have a history of jealously, but hopefully after 16 years together you're able to have open and honest conversations.

Original poster
Jjeas · 10/09/2022 21:37

Thanks @allinatizzy just mot feeling great after hearing it, is exactly how I feel. Though it seems that is my issue and something I need to look at about myself rather than drag DH into it.

OP posts:
saraclara · 10/09/2022 21:37

Jjeas · 10/09/2022 21:33

@luxxlisbon don't need him to justify anything just threw me off hearing him refer to her in this way and just trying to figure out why I might feel like that. See I AIbU so will figure out how I feel first before raising it with DH

So you're still going to raise it with him? Why?

Seriously, so many of us have said that we have best friends who are men. He clearly doesn't think there's anything off or weird about it or he wouldn't have said this in your hearing. He's clearly relaxed about the friendship, so I honestly don't know why you intend to still bring it up. I can't see anything positive coming from such a conversation. You can only come across as not trusting him.