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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband referred to another women as 'one of his best friends'

74 replies

Jjeas · 10/09/2022 20:36

Husband of 8 years, partner of 16, described his female friend to a mutual friend as 'one of his best friends'.
It has made me feel odd. I really don't suspect anything aside from friendship but I also don't know why I feel so odd, knowing my DH think as another woman as a best friend feels weird. AIBU to feel this weirdness?

We have been together for 16 years I consider us to be best friends and I do think he thinks the same. He has a few lads from high school/uni who are his best friends but I suppose it just feels a bit strange to me that he has people beyond that he considers 'best friends'.

To put in context, I was talking to a friend while half listening in to his conversation. He was talking to an acquaintance about property when he said; "oh one of my best friends and her partner just moved to that area'. This can only be a woman he is friends with from work. I knew they were friends but never would have considered my DH would have viewed her as one of his besties.
We socialise with her as a couple, she has a partner of 15 years, I like her too and I do not consider anything untoward in the slightest, I guess I just never thought they were as close or that my DH viewed her as 'one of best friends'.
The not sure why I felt strange she is a great girl, my DH is a cracking husband it just threw me off.
Wanted to know:
AIBU: don't mention how you feel to your husband, he views her as a close friend that's it.
YANBU: ask your husband further about why he considers her one of his best friends.

If you think YANBU how can I casually bring this up in conversation, without it sounding like I was eavesdropping on his conversation / seeming like I am an uber jealous wife.

OP posts:
Lillith111 · 10/09/2022 21:38

how would bisexual people have any friends?

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 10/09/2022 21:39

Reads a bit possessive to me, “I’m his best friend” doesn’t sit right. He’s allowed other best friends, you’re his wife not his mate.

Original poster
Jjeas · 10/09/2022 21:39

@gabsdot45 your situation sounds almost identical to mine, thank you. I just have to get over myself. She is a very nice person, no fears about her or DH just my own silliness, thank you for responding and not making me feel like a total loon.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/09/2022 21:40

He's clearly relaxed about the friendship, so I honestly don't know why you intend to still bring it up. I can't see anything positive coming from such a conversation. You can only come across as not trusting him.

I absolutely agree with this. The only thing raising this will accomplish is to let your husband know you don't trust him. You will be making your problem his problem, and that is so unfair.

Original poster
Jjeas · 10/09/2022 21:41

@UmbrellaSparrow that's a rather unfair assumption that I categorically am.

I just felt a bit strange and needed a sounding board. You know nothing of my marriage or relationship so your response seems a bit OTT.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jjeas · 10/09/2022 21:44

@AnneLovesGilbert @SirSamVimesCityWatch totally get the male.female Best friend thing and have no issue with that whatsoever, it is more than my DH and his friend have only known each other for a 5-6 year period, tend not to socialise that much out of work so I would have called her a friend if his/us but would not have thought of her in best friends category that is all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jjeas · 10/09/2022 21:47

Thank you @Calphurnia88 we have a very open relationship and talk about everything but it feels increasingly silly to bring this up. She is very pretty and is lovely. She has been a good and caring friend to us both just would not have thought of her as a best friend to myself or DH. Perhaps it is due to all my best friends being people I have known for 20+ years. Thank you for the advice though.

OP posts:
Gemstar2 · 10/09/2022 21:48

Could it be nothing to do with how close DH and colleague are, and more to do with your DH trying to impress the acquaintance with whom he was chatting property? If he was viewing this person as cool/rich/someone to do business/be friends with etc etc he might have been over-exaggerating the closeness of the friendship with the colleague to try to find common ground with the acquaintance.

OperaStation · 10/09/2022 21:53

I would feel a bit odd about my husband referring to a female colleague as one of his best friends. How long has he known her for? Having said that, I would find it odd to refer to any colleague as a best friend. maybe I’ve just worked in the wrong places!

Original poster
Jjeas · 10/09/2022 21:53

I never said I was absolutely going to raise it with him. I just wanted to know if I was being AIBU before I considered asking him about it at all.

I appreciate people's advice. As I said in one response a friend made a face when she heard him say it too. Perhaps it made me over think. I do trust my husband, I just was surprised he referred to her as a best friend. That is perhaps because all my best friends are friends of 20+ years so him having someone he considers a BF after such a short time is slightly surprising, especially someone I thought he was friendly with but not on the level they clearly are. No real issue just surprised and wondering how I have a conversation about their friendship without sounding para.

OP posts:
bakebeans · 10/09/2022 21:54

I get where u are coming from. Given you are his wife and partner over 16 years, you thought that he would confide in you about this and you would know but to hear him telling someone else before you, it's bound to throw you off. You could understand if they were friends first

Original poster
Jjeas · 10/09/2022 21:56

@Lillith111 I do not have an issue in the slightest that she is female, I was just taken by surprise because I knew they were friendly but did not think they were friendly enough for my DH to consider her a best friend. If he does that is fine, I guess I am just curious as to how their friendship reached that level of friendship

OP posts:
gabsdot45 · 10/09/2022 21:57

@Jjeas
We have spoken about it at length. He agrees it is an unusual situation.

Original poster
Jjeas · 10/09/2022 21:59

@Wisteriaroundthedoor I wouldn't consider myself possessive in the slightest. I think of him.as my best mate. He referred to me in his wedding vows as his best friend so I think I am justified in saying qe are each other's best friends. He absolutely should have other friends and other best friends, however all his close friends are guys he has known from school and uni, to hear him call a woman he is friends from work as best friend threw me. If she is a best friend that is fine, I just am curious about how their friendship reached that level of familiarity for wr are not overly friendly with her and her partner out of his work so I guess I am curious more than anything.

OP posts:
whoohoodoodoo · 10/09/2022 22:00

Three of my best friends are male. Five are female. We are all a big group who worked away together in our younger years. I really don't understand the issue?

Original poster
Jjeas · 10/09/2022 22:02

Perhaps but that is not really DH's style and this person he was talking to is not really someone I need of impressing (that I am aware of).

I do think DH does consider her a best friend which is fine, I'm just not sure how their friendship has got to that point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jjeas · 10/09/2022 22:05

@Aquamarine1029 I don't want to make it a problem at all. I'm just curious I suppose more than anything. I suppose I accept he is best friends with guys from uni and school no questions asked bexuae they pre date me. I do think we are best friends so I suppose finding out he had another beyond me is maybe a dent in my own pride. Though really it is more wanting to know why he thinks her a best friend. Not because I don't want him to have her as a friend but more just wanting to know for my own curiosity

OP posts:
whoopdedo · 10/09/2022 22:08

My first thought is why haven't you said something already? I suppose in my relationship there's no real holding back on this sort of stuff and I would have just said something by now without thinking about if I should or not - it seems unhealthy to hold stuff in.

Original poster
Jjeas · 10/09/2022 22:10

@OperaStation they have known each other for 5-6 years. They teach together in the same school, work on same dept and have done a few trips together. All above board, she is lovely. Not suspicions of anything untoward but was just taken a back him calling her a best friend. I have socialised with her by myself and get on fine with her. Had I to describe her I would likely have said a work colleague/friend of my husband but to know he considers her a best friend just threw me off.

OP posts:
Noteverybodylives · 10/09/2022 22:10

My best friend always calls me his best friend and i always call him my best friend.

It’s no big issue for us.

But my other friend did say she’d be hurt if her DH had a female best friend as she said she feels that her DH is her best friend so she’d want him to feel the same about her.

C1N1C · 10/09/2022 22:10

Lol, double standards.

Original poster
Jjeas · 10/09/2022 22:14

@bakebeans he does consider her a friend and I would have said yes she is his friend from work but it was the best friend but that somewhat threw me off. They have known each other 5-6 years, work together daily and have done a few trips together. They socialise occasionally out of school but all the socialising is done with my DH, me, her and sometimes her partner.
I guess I am not sure how she had been elevated to best friend territory and I am curious but it is a weird question to ask him somewhat out of the blue.

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 10/09/2022 22:15

I do not have an issue in the slightest that she is female

Well, what on earth is this thread for then?

I wouldn't consider myself possessive in the slightest.

I don't like to think of myself as fat but reality disagrees with me. In this instance you are being possessive.

Tell your husband how you feel, OP. You are being silly but he is your best friend and he will be able to reassure you. We all have silly worries, don't hide them away, deal with them.

Original poster
Jjeas · 10/09/2022 22:16

@whoopdedo I just overheard him say it today at a lunch at a friend's house.
Their friendship was of no concern to me. Even her being a best friend is fine, I just don't know what has occurred or why he would think of her like that after a relatively short amount if time being friends. Just curious. A number of people on this thread though are telling me I am sounding jealous or untrusted, so now not sure what to do and whether to raise it with him .

OP posts:
Original poster
Jjeas · 10/09/2022 22:19

@whoohoodoodoo my DH has a best friend who is female that he has been friends with since he was 12, that is fine. I don't mind that this new friend is female, it just surprised me that someone he as known for 5-6 years and one he only really tends to see mostly in work is now someone he considers a best friend. I .curious as to why he now thinks of them as a best friend but there seems to be no way of raising this in conversation without sounding jealous as she is female.

OP posts: