Husband referred to another women as 'one of his best friends'

[Jjeas]

Husband of 8 years, partner of 16, described his female friend to a mutual friend as 'one of his best friends'.
It has made me feel odd. I really don't suspect anything aside from friendship but I also don't know why I feel so odd, knowing my DH think as another woman as a best friend feels weird. AIBU to feel this weirdness?

We have been together for 16 years I consider us to be best friends and I do think he thinks the same. He has a few lads from high school/uni who are his best friends but I suppose it just feels a bit strange to me that he has people beyond that he considers 'best friends'.

To put in context, I was talking to a friend while half listening in to his conversation. He was talking to an acquaintance about property when he said; "oh one of my best friends and her partner just moved to that area'. This can only be a woman he is friends with from work. I knew they were friends but never would have considered my DH would have viewed her as one of his besties.
We socialise with her as a couple, she has a partner of 15 years, I like her too and I do not consider anything untoward in the slightest, I guess I just never thought they were as close or that my DH viewed her as 'one of best friends'.
The not sure why I felt strange she is a great girl, my DH is a cracking husband it just threw me off.
Wanted to know:
AIBU: don't mention how you feel to your husband, he views her as a close friend that's it.
YANBU: ask your husband further about why he considers her one of his best friends.

If you think YANBU how can I casually bring this up in conversation, without it sounding like I was eavesdropping on his conversation / seeming like I am an uber jealous wife.

Yanbu I get where you are coming from. Your curiosity has been peaked as the friendship has been elevated to a different level.

@Noteverybodylives he has two best friends that are female. One was even an 'usher' at the wedding so @C1N1C not sure how it is double standards. If my DH has best friends that are female that is fine. In fact I often find having a mix of genders helps but I am just surprised that he is calling this specific person a best friend. They have known each other 5-6 years and primarily work together and very occasionally socialise out of work. She is a friend but how she had reached best friend status in my DH eyes is what I am curious about. If she is one of his best firned that is cool, I just kind of want rk know why he thinks that.

I would just have to ask. I couldn't keep that one to myself.

I think people are giving @Jjeas a hard time. I get it, it takes me years to think of someone as a friend as opposed to a colleague, mum friend etc. Best friends are people I have known for 20 years or more, and we have been through all kinds of stuff together. This is probably a bit extreme though and other people are quicker to establish friendships. Neither is right or wrong, in my opinion.

@neonjumper thank you, some one who gets it.
I am.curious, it just feels odd, feeling like i totally missed this. I trust DH, I trust his friend. I just feel like I missed the part where their friendship evolved to them being as close.
If they are, it's fine, I guess I just kind of want ro know why or how it came to this stage but how can I ask that without sounding like I am jealous or paranoid?
His friend from work is a great girl, happy for him to be even more friendly with her but curious as to what has led to them becoming as close.

He was talking to an acquaintance about property when he said; "oh one of my best friends and her partner just moved to that area

In the nicest possible way, you’re reading far too much into this. It’s a throwaway. People these days always “overegg” friendship. People describe acquaintances as friends, hence actual friends become “best friends” (and, as I heard on Friday, best friends become “the closest thing I had to a sister”). He’s just emphasising that it’s friend whose house he might well know/have been to.

Thanks @ColouringPencils I am.the same, I have some very good friends but literally my best friends are in the decades club. DH was very much in the same boat, infact we were joking just the other week that had we got married now, our wedding would be so much cheaper because post kids and covid our friendship circle of friends has considerably shrunk, this is maybe why him talking about a friend of 5-6 years as being a best friend surprised me.

Thanks @WimpoleHat you are perhaps right. Likely was one of those things that was said without a second thought but has got my head going.

I think that the issue here is that you and he have different definitions of 'best friend'.

You think that you have to have known someone for a couple of decades to be a best friend. My very best friend (male) became my best friend within a year. We've not been best friends for 15 years.
I've had a couple colleagues who've never even been to my home, yet I'd have classed them among my best friends. Working together closely, as we did, menat that it was very esy to depend on each other and share worries, family stuff etc. There are few people that you spend more time with, than your colleagues.

The friend who pulled a face is simply shit stirring.

We've NOW been best friends for 15 years, rather

@saraclara you are likely right on how we view best friends. I suppose up until now though we have both been similar in who we call best friends.
If she is a best friend that is fine. I suppose curiosity is getting the better of me, but you can't just come out and say;
Oi husband why is your new best friend your new best friend because I was earrywigging on your conversation at lunch!😂

Ah but you CAN just come out and say it surely?

Hes your husband. You trust him with the good stuff, the bad stuff and everything in between. You say your relationship is good so I see no issue with you asking him about something that has touched a nerve with you, for whatever reason

You're not screaming accusations in his face, you're just raining something that's made you feel a bit out of sorts . It's ok to ask someone for reassurance you know (unless you're a jealous nightmare which you're not)

Look at it another way .. would you want him to ask you if the situation was reversed? Or would you want him to have it on his mind yet say nothing?

That's probably your answer

I think PPs are missing the point. It's not about men not being able to have a female best friend. It's more nuanced than that. I think I understand, OP, and it would set me on edge a bit too.

If DH referred to someone as his best friend who I - as his partner of 16 years - didn't have any clue he was close with, I would wonder what that was all about and why the apparent close bond they share had been hidden. If the "someone" was a man, and knowing my DH is straight, I'd find it strange but not disconcerting. If the "someone" was a woman, it would make me feel uncomfortable.

If my DH had a longstanding friend who I knew him to be close with then it wouldn't worry me in the slightest for him to refer to her as his best friend because it would be in line with the relationship I know them to openly have.

My DH would possibly describe one or two of our female friends this way. They are close, able to share secrets with one-another, and enjoy each other’s company.

I suppose that it’s understandable that it feels strange, but I don’t think that it’s unusual in the sort of men that we hope to be with; those who are genuinely nice, empathetic, and who can view women as friends rather than only as conquests

“One of his best friends.”

That’s really not the same as his “best friend.”

Thanks all.
In the end I asked him out straight.
He was quite honest and said next to me, she is probably the person he speaks to the most about what is going on in life.
I feel like i should not be okay with that but actually I don't have the time right now to deal with my husband's frustrations about work and all the day to day stuff with kids, work etc aswell.

I know he is frustrated at work about silly trivial things and she has been putting up with his moaning but seems she has been putting in a good shift. I thought he had improved his outlook but seems he has just found someone else to talk to about it.
They have lunch most days together. Apparently there is Moan about it Monday, Talk through it Tuesday and we need to talk about anything apart from work Wednesday.
Feel a bit guilty now that I have no idea about things that are annoying him etc. We are both teachers so I get having a sounding board at work and as we have three kids under six, I don't suppose we have much time when we both get in from work to talk about work.

Am I now a bad wife for being a little but glad he has someone else to moan to aside from me?

Yes I think I would feel the same as you to be honest. I could understand if he referred to her as 'our' best friend. He's considering her to be his best friend. I would be asking the questions

No he’s not, why would you change it to this?

I think the shock you felt is because you didn't realise he saw this person as a best friend or the depth of the friendship.

Tbh the thing you should be worried about is you and DH not having the same channel of communication open as before. It's one thing to be discussing work stuff and life with a colleague but I don't think it's a great sign that he doesn't also discuss it with you. Or that you don't feel you have the capacity at the minute to listen to him. It's a slippery slope from this point to losing the connection completely and both of you feeling emotionally closer to other people. It's ok if it's just a temporary phase, not so if it's been like this for years. Friendship shouldn't replace the conversations you both have, it's supposed to just be an additional outlet.

Sometimes (often?) it's a lot easier to moan to a colleague about work stuff, because they know the people involved, they understand the particular workplace politics, and it can be kind of an equal 'give and take' kind of conversation. Moaning about work to a partner is dumping on them really, because they can't really take part in the conversation or be genuinely as interested, because they don't have the same knowledge or investment in the place.

@ganvough you are right about being the main person absolutely.
It sounds though like he is just moaning about the things that have been frustrating him for the past year or so.
We have two kids at school and one in nursery. Both kids are at different schools, so weekday life is just manic. I think the problem with talking about working is I am a head of dept. When my DH talks about his head of dept. I probably try to play devil's advocate and try to provide it from their perspective too when he really just wants a moan. He was doing this person's job on an acting basis for two years while they were on a secondment so I think he may be frustrated at returning to his old post and due to three kids and all the different drop.offs he isn't in a position to move job at the moment and apply for promoted posts, so i get his frustration but there are only so many times you can complain about the same things.
Hopefully it is a temporary thing.

I would 100% ask and be honest and say It made you feel strange hearing it at the time. I would expect his reaction will reassure you which sounds like that is what is needed. It doesn’t matter if other people don’t see the issue, if you do, address it in the right way and you will probably all laugh about it sooner or later

Sorry ignore me I didn’t see other messages sorry!

A best friend doesn't mean a longterm friendship..