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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend brings her wife everywhere ...aibu?

72 replies

lucybeeess · 10/09/2022 13:57

We are a group of 10 friends (all female )
Our friend met someone 17 months ago and got married and she brings her everywhere.
Nights out/weekends away etc etc
It just changes the dynamic of it all
Obviously we don't bring our partners with us
Aibu in feeling this way?
It's like she can't function anymore without her being by her side.
She used to be a massive player so part of me thinks it's so she isn't tempted whilst she's out.

OP posts:

NuffSaidSam · 10/09/2022 14:00

YANBU

You'll just have to specify 'no partners' when you book something going forward.

Facecream · 10/09/2022 14:01

Is her wife not going along with what you are all doing or is ot just the fact it’s a partner rather than the original gang?

Original poster

lucybeeess · 10/09/2022 14:04

It's just our partners don't come and it means they are always together ...don't share apartment,get own room and it's just like she can't go anwhere without her anymore

OP posts:

custardbear · 10/09/2022 14:04

Do the other 8 feel the same way?

Original poster

lucybeeess · 10/09/2022 14:05

Yes most of us do.
If they argue it makes us uncomfortable,it's hard to explain it just makes things a bit weird.

OP posts:

FuckThisForAGameOfNotSoldiers · 10/09/2022 14:10

A friend brings her husband along and that also changes the dynamic too. I don't get it tbh, unless partner is struggling in some way.

JonSnowedUnder · 10/09/2022 14:12

Has your original group know each other for a long time? I would just casually say 'next time lets make it a no partners thing' and see how she reacts. If she doesn't agree I would just gently point out it changes the dynamic.

Maybe have a trip/evening planned with partners booked as well so they don't feel like you're trying to completely get rid of her.

Original poster

lucybeeess · 10/09/2022 14:16

We have known each other collectively for around 10-15 years.
I'm not sure if it's because it's a all female relationship if that is why it's different ..she was dating someone else and she came everywhere too.
Then another one she was dating started coming along now obviously her wife.

OP posts:

HangOnToYourself · 10/09/2022 14:17

Are the rest of the group straight? Just wondering if perhaps she thinks these events are girls trips rather than no partner trips if so and that's why she thinks it's fine to invite her along?

Original poster

lucybeeess · 10/09/2022 14:18

Yeah rest of the group are straight.

OP posts:

fluffinsalad · 10/09/2022 14:20

Yep been here. Its annoying. But there is nothing you can do.

HangOnToYourself · 10/09/2022 14:26

If she used to be a player maybe the wife doesn't feel comfortable with her going alone. You could do as pp have suggested and say no partners trip but she will obviously know its directed at her so it's quite tricky

NotMyDust · 10/09/2022 14:29

have a meet up where partners are explicitly invited and make it a "thing". Then the next one can be "just the gang" at the seemingly spontaneous suggestion of someone, backed up by others.
how old are you if u don't mind me asking? Just that this could the the start of how things will be in the future if they're the first to get married....stuff changes as people couple up. .

Original poster

lucybeeess · 10/09/2022 14:31

All late 30s
All married with kids bar 1
So we all have our partners back at home
Tbh it's nice to have a break away with friends without the relationship worries
I didn't want to seem like a bitch by saying anything

OP posts:

CoastalWave · 10/09/2022 14:35

You're going to have to just be blunt and say, it's just us girls, not girlfriends and boyfriends.

Is the dynamic not a bit strange anyway if she's the only lesbian? I'm just thinking of the type of chats I have with my girlfriends!!

WindsweptNotInteresting · 10/09/2022 14:38

Tbh, it sounds like she sees the meet ups as "girls nights" so feels it is fine to bring her wife along, in a way that it wouldn`t if someone brought their husband along.

I guess you could explain to her that it has changed the dynamic, as the wife does not share the same history that the rest of you do?

HVC164 · 10/09/2022 14:41

I’m gay and have many straight friends. It’s never even been a ‘thing’ in our friendships - whatever kind of conversation we’re having!

Saying that, myself and my partner always make sure we don’t always do social things together, especially with separate friendship groups. It’s healthy to have that separation. OP, I do reckon she thinks that because her partner is female she’s not imposing in the same way a male partner is - I’d just have a polite word with her while making it clear it’s not about disliking her wife. I’d understand in that context :)

Mummacake · 10/09/2022 14:45

If your friend has always brought their partner along, your friend is the issue & it should have been discussed with her years ago. It would be unfair and her wide to change it when it's been the norm for all this time.

Libertyqueen · 10/09/2022 14:46

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Since you are all women I can see why she would think it’s fine to bring her along and hopefully you’ll all become friends with her too.
If you feel strong you could asked her not to but I think she’ll take it as a slight against her wife.

MaryJoLisa · 10/09/2022 14:56

We have exactly the same issue OP. My friend's wife is perfectly nice, but she's not our friend in the same way. If she was a man, she wouldn't come out, but because she's a woman it's deemed fine for a partner to be there. It changes the dynamic of the evening. It's never been asked, just assumed. Drives me crazy. We just meet up occasionally without the couple, it's easier than starting a big argument by saying anything.

OhmygodDont · 10/09/2022 14:58

Yanbu although yes it’s a girly night or whatever it’s a girls night of friends not friends and partners regardless of their genitalia or sexual preferences.

It would be slightly different if too of the group got together although that would still change the dynamic.

HangOnToYourself · 10/09/2022 15:02

CoastalWave · 10/09/2022 14:35

You're going to have to just be blunt and say, it's just us girls, not girlfriends and boyfriends.

Is the dynamic not a bit strange anyway if she's the only lesbian? I'm just thinking of the type of chats I have with my girlfriends!!

What kind of conversations would you find weird having in front of a gay person?

itsgettingweird · 10/09/2022 15:12

Yes I also wondered if she sees it as girls night rather then friends.

I have a few gay friends and they come together when we have girls nights (if they can as some have kids).

When it's smaller groups of "friends" they don't. But then their wives/partners don't invite them to their friends nights out either!

CadburyCrunchy · 10/09/2022 15:12

@lucybeeess your friend possibly only takes her wife along because she's just another girl to add to the group of girls so not that unusual really ... it's not like she's brought a fella who would be the only man in a group of women which would be a bit unusual on a night out!

JubileeTissues · 10/09/2022 15:17

"Is the dynamic not a bit strange anyway if she's the only lesbian? I'm just thinking of the type of chats I have with my girlfriends!!"

Must be boring if all you do is talk about men. What a snooze fest 😴.

A group I've been close to for many years now are almost 50/50 gay/straight and we always treat partners as separate. Sometimes we include them (always agreed first) but mostly not.

You'll just have to say "let's have a night out, just us lot. Next time we can do something with partners"

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