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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend brings her wife everywhere ...aibu?

72 replies

lucybeeess · 10/09/2022 13:57

We are a group of 10 friends (all female )
Our friend met someone 17 months ago and got married and she brings her everywhere.
Nights out/weekends away etc etc
It just changes the dynamic of it all
Obviously we don't bring our partners with us
Aibu in feeling this way?
It's like she can't function anymore without her being by her side.
She used to be a massive player so part of me thinks it's so she isn't tempted whilst she's out.

OP posts:
CoorieIn · 10/09/2022 15:20

Is the dynamic not a bit strange anyway if she's the only lesbian? I'm just thinking of the type of chats I have with my girlfriends!!

Are you a little dim or just homophobic? I'm struggling to tell.

FuckThisForAGameOfNotSoldiers · 10/09/2022 15:34

CoorieIn · 10/09/2022 15:20

Is the dynamic not a bit strange anyway if she's the only lesbian? I'm just thinking of the type of chats I have with my girlfriends!!

Are you a little dim or just homophobic? I'm struggling to tell.

This

AnuSTart · 10/09/2022 15:37

Have you ever wondered if her wife is controlling???
If it were a husband it would be the first red flag.
My ex used to turn up to my evenings out and invite himself to things and I went along with it. Nobody knew or guessed he was basically coercing me.
No?
Nobody wonders this about her???

YelloCar · 10/09/2022 15:39

Is the dynamic not a bit strange anyway if she's the only lesbian? I'm just thinking of the type of chats I have with my girlfriends!!
Can you expand on this @CoastalWave?

overwork · 10/09/2022 15:49

I have the exact same issue. I used to get to see her one on one as well as part of a group, but now she's married her wife always comes too. I like her wife, but she's not necessarily someone I would chose to have the same type of friendship with as what I had with my friend, and the dynamic is definitely altered when her wife is there. I can't remember the last time I saw my friend without her wife so our friendship is not the same. I've made a point of sorts, when she insists on bringing her wife I bring my partner too, he definitely alters the dynamic!! I don't have a solution, I think they think the same as others have mentioned here, a girls night includes the pair of them. It's a shame.

GoneWithTheWine1 · 10/09/2022 15:56

I bring my husband most places as i have disabilities.
But never with friends. I find that a bit to codependent.

SteakExpectations · 10/09/2022 16:13

Mummacake · 10/09/2022 14:45

If your friend has always brought their partner along, your friend is the issue & it should have been discussed with her years ago. It would be unfair and her wide to change it when it's been the norm for all this time.

This! ^

Spot on.

ivfbabymomma1 · 10/09/2022 16:41

She might see as a girls thing rather than a partner thing given the dynamic! Annoying though!!

MichelleScarn · 10/09/2022 17:03

YelloCar · 10/09/2022 15:39

Is the dynamic not a bit strange anyway if she's the only lesbian? I'm just thinking of the type of chats I have with my girlfriends!!
Can you expand on this @CoastalWave?

I'm wondering if they mean from more of a someone's complaining about being annoyed re their partner which usually results in a 'oh yes mine too' it'd be hard for this friend to say anything but 'not me, we're absolutely fantastic' if her wife is setting next to her!

LoobyDop · 10/09/2022 17:13

It’s tricky when only one friend in the group is lesbian, especially if they way you’ve always handled it in the past is to say it’s a girls’ night- obviously your friend is going to assume her partner should be included, and it’s uncomfortable having to say she isn’t. But it does change the dynamic to have a partner there, and you should say something.

HangOnToYourself · 10/09/2022 17:20

MichelleScarn · 10/09/2022 17:03

I'm wondering if they mean from more of a someone's complaining about being annoyed re their partner which usually results in a 'oh yes mine too' it'd be hard for this friend to say anything but 'not me, we're absolutely fantastic' if her wife is setting next to her!

Show quote history

That's definitely not what they meant, the specification was because she was the only lesbian not because the partner was there. Blatant homophobia

latetothefisting · 10/09/2022 17:25

MichelleScarn · 10/09/2022 17:03

I'm wondering if they mean from more of a someone's complaining about being annoyed re their partner which usually results in a 'oh yes mine too' it'd be hard for this friend to say anything but 'not me, we're absolutely fantastic' if her wife is setting next to her!

Show quote history

yeah but then @coastalwave would have said "Is the dynamic not a bit strange anyway with a partner there?"
I'm edging towards the dim or homophobic tbh.
Unless@CoastalWave spends all her conversations with her mates chatting about 'cocksI'veknownandloved,' I can't imagine why a lesbian friend couldn't join in!

dammit88 · 10/09/2022 17:45

I think in a group of 10 this isn't such a big deal? If there were 3 of you maybe, but 10 + one more female doesn't seem a massive issue to me

ProbablyPossiblyPerhaps · 10/09/2022 17:52

We had this with a friend who's sister moved in with her and she started bringing her to everything. We'd all known each other from our first pregnancy not from school so we didn't know her sister, and we'd shared a lot over ten + years. Actually it was worse in a way because she asked the first time - something like "my sis is going through a hard time with a relationship breakup and staying with me for a while, maybe moving down here - obviously she doesn't know anyone and really needs cheering up, it'd be okay if she came along on Friday wouldn't it?" and of course everyone was "kind" and said yes... but then the whole evening kind of revolved around the sister... Then she came the next time too expecting the same, and every time until our regular monthly meet ups tailed right off and we only meet up in smaller groups now.

It totally does change the dynamic of an established group to bring someone without the same shared history in. Obviously if the group don't all have one connecting shared history it can work, but if they do a new introduction can really change (and spoil) the dynamic.

Carrotzen · 10/09/2022 18:20

I think this needed to be addressed the first few times this happened

The problem is now having been included for 17 months I'd sort of expect that person to be part of the friendship group. I assume your friend thought as it was girls night it was okay to bring her partner, and to be honest my friendship groups have never been static enough that adding an extra would cause an issue. Even if you say no partners, after 18mnths of coming to all occasions Id assume I was part of the group

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 10/09/2022 18:25

I have 3 lesbian friends in newish relationships (we are all in 40's). They all do this, i think it's odd but I'm presuming it's because we are all women that they think it's ok. I do roll my eyes a bit but I probably do have more in common with them so it's not too big a deal.

Cw112 · 10/09/2022 18:26

I think she's seeing it as girls nights out and since her partner is female she maybe sees you as her friends now too and the partner is just wanting to be part of the group in her own right? Is that such a bad thing? I don't think I'd have a problem with that infact I'd worry the partner would find it rude and cliquey to be told they aren't welcome because they are just a partner. It's a bit immature imo, as I've got older I'm friendly with my friends partners because we hang out more together as a group now. I see no issue with this.

Beyondthedale · 10/09/2022 18:29

Glad others have picked up @CoastalWave s comment Hmm

KohlaParasaurus · 10/09/2022 18:39

Interesting thread! In a similar situation to the OP I've always just assumed that if any of the group had a female partner/wife it would be natural for them to come to get-togethers if they wanted, even if male partners/husbands weren't welcome.

mam0918 · 10/09/2022 18:57

How are you a group of 10 if people didnt bring new people into the group?

That how groups work, you dont get to ban your friends friend (and yes partners are friends, mine is my best friend) even if you wouldn't choose to hang out with them on your own or you'll just aliente yourself and lose a friend.

Stop being cliquey and excluding people.

drpet49 · 10/09/2022 19:17

I have two lesbian friends and neither bring their partners along. You got a friend issue.

championshipwinner · 10/09/2022 19:19

mam0918 · 10/09/2022 18:57

How are you a group of 10 if people didnt bring new people into the group?

That how groups work, you dont get to ban your friends friend (and yes partners are friends, mine is my best friend) even if you wouldn't choose to hang out with them on your own or you'll just aliente yourself and lose a friend.

Stop being cliquey and excluding people.

I’d rather have a friend than a partner introduced to the group. As the OP says, it’s uncomfortable being present for other peoples marital rows and you don’t get that with friends!

aSofaNearYou · 10/09/2022 20:03

Tbh people on here always say they wouldn't do this but in my experience, most people do do these sorts of things as a couple once they get into them. People do things differently. You might need to just be honest with her if it's not what your friendship group wants.

Original poster
lucybeeess · 11/09/2022 11:54

It's more the fact they come but don't mix as a group
They do their own thing and it kind of feels like us and them (if that makes sense )

OP posts:
alwaysmovingforwards · 11/09/2022 13:49

fluffinsalad · 10/09/2022 14:20

Yep been here. Its annoying. But there is nothing you can do.

Likewise.
We were just honest. Billed it as 'no partners'. Gave the person a choice to adhere or not come. Simple.

They still come, but now without partner.