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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to get over this non-affair?

52 replies

Conflictedinlondon · 10/09/2022 13:11

So my friend’s husband who I have known for about 15 years and also consider a friend has recently told me he has feelings for me. To be clear, he’s not “in love” with me and doesn’t want to leave his wife. He literally told me he fancies the pants off me and thinks we should have an affair. I’m happily married with children and our families have been close for years although we now only see each other a few times a year as they moved to the suburbs.

I know this should be easy to shut down but I cannot stop thinking about him and the possibility of some illicit fun. I’d never thought of him like that precisely because I am married and so is he. But now that he’s opened that door I cannot get him out of my head.

What I’m after, as daft as it sounds, is any tips or tricks for getting him out of my head!! I wish he’d never said anything and I would have happily been going about my daily life. Don’t shout at me as I haven’t done anything and wouldn’t. I just want to stop thinking about it as it’s giving my anxiety!

Do I need to meditate, try hypnosis, etc??

OP posts:
HumptyDumpty2022 · 10/09/2022 13:15

Try to think about a life where your DH hates you, you only see your kids part time and you’re judged by friends and family because that is the likely outcome. I had a friend who’s life was destroyed by a similar situation but she couldn’t say no.

drinkfeck · 10/09/2022 13:21

What is it that's so attractive? The illicitness?

You've managed all these years without having your head turned. Is it only because he likes you?

Also what do you plan to do about your friend of 15 years whose husband is proposing an affair?

Your first loyalty isn't to tell her? To be concerned for her marriage? Instead you're thinking of hypnosis?

Madness

SavoirFlair · 10/09/2022 13:24

I’m happily married with children and our families have been close for years

and then but a sentence later…

I cannot stop thinking about him and the possibility of some illicit fun.

OP with the greatest of respect @Conflictedinlondon you don’t know what “happily married” means.

I think either be honest with this anonymous audience here on AIBU, and explain where your marriage or your perception of it has led you to consider this affair. Or - don’t be honest and just sit back and enjoy the flagellation from the pearl clutchers for even daring to think something.

either way more clarity needed perhaps OP.

jeaux90 · 10/09/2022 13:26

To think that 15 minutes of probably bad sex will ruin your life. He is probably paunchy and might have a micro penis.

HTH

ovenproof · 10/09/2022 13:35

I think you need to grow up.

NegativeNelly · 10/09/2022 13:42

Umm what about your loyalty to your friend first?! I think I'd have to tell her to be honest, you've been friends for so long! She deserves to know what he's said. You need to ask yourself why you are even temoted by it if you are happily married. I think the risk of upsetting the relationships with both sets of the children would put me off.

If the shoe was on the other foot, and your husband was doing this would you be ok with it if it was to the friend?

Spritesobright · 10/09/2022 13:44

Tell your friend what happened. She deserves to know. Nothing bursts an affair bubble faster than the reality of anguish and pain it causes (even then some cheaters still manage to swan off into la la land believing they are soulmates and everyone else's pain was worth it for their brief titillation).
Also, it might be worth exploring why you find the idea of an affair attractive. It's usually an indication of something missing. Perhaps you're mourning your youth or wish your partner was more romantic.
Those are useful things to reflect on, perhaps with a counsellor or in a journal.
Then you can take steps to make some changes that don't involve dismantling people's lives.

HangOnToYourself · 10/09/2022 13:46

I know a guy who says married women are very easy to "pull" because when you chat up a single girl you are competing with all the other single guys chasing them but when you go after a married women you are usually only competing with one guy who probably hasnt made her feel particularly fancied in years. It was depressing to hear and I dont agree but i imagine this may be some mens perspective...basically this man may well see you as easy pray. He may well also tell all his wives friends he "fancies the pants off them". He has made you feel flattered and attractive and its obviously struck a chord but please see him for what he is, a pathetic little chancer who has no issue cheating on his wife. Is this the man you want to ruin your marriage for? And think of how used you will feel once he casts you aside after he gets what he wants. He is bored and after some attention, it's not the sexy romance novel you are imagining in your head, it's a disappointing fumble with a weasel.

hewouldwouldnthe · 10/09/2022 13:54

Affairs rarely go well. You are often found out. Husband will never trust you again, it will end your marriage as it is, your children will despise you when they are old enought to understand, your friendship circle, including the wife, will disown you and your family will be disgusted with your behaviour. You will lose your current home and maybe the neighbourhood, your children will need to go to different schools if you need to find somewhere cheaper, you will be poor and struggling as a single mother. Don't be a fuckwit

LuaDipa · 10/09/2022 13:56

To be clear, he’s not “in love” with me and doesn’t want to leave his wife. He literally told me he fancies the pants off me and thinks we should have an affair.

With chat like this I can totally understand why you can’t stop thinking about him.🙄

I’m sorry but you need to grow up and have some self respect. I’m assuming that your dh most be seriously taking you for granted as it’s almost embarrassing that you have even given this loser the time of day. He hasn’t even tried to charm or flatter you, he’s literally told you how little he values not only you, but his poor wife. You’re not the first and you definitely won’t be the last. If you’re happy with ruining your life for someone who thinks you’re nothing more than a bit of fun then crack on, but for God’s sake don’t think that it’s anything more than an illicit fumble.

Rewis · 10/09/2022 14:03

What is it about it that atract you? Sex? Secret? The naughtiness? Or just the fact that knowing someone else finds you attractive and now you have a "crush""?

Once you figure out what it is then act accordingly. Ex: if it's sex and naughtiness then find something new to do with your husband. If it's the fact that he finds you attractive then just imagine him picking socks and ride out the crush.

erikbloodaxe · 10/09/2022 14:04

I'd tell your husband, unless there's a little more to this and you can't without incriminating yourself.

VladmirsPoutine · 10/09/2022 14:26

Think about all the lives that would be ruined if you do engage in some 'illicit' fun. Your spouses, life as you know it, the children. All that down the drain for a few minutes of being poked about.

GingerPigz · 10/09/2022 14:29

I think it's 'ok' to be happily married but find someone else attractive - most people have a open (ie: not secret) celebrity crush, the difference here is it is someone more tangible. But the important thing (which you already know) is not to act upon it. You need to maintain a distance between you and him at all times. Do less things altogether, start making excuses about why you can't get together. But if you ever do find yourselves in the same vicinity, never EVER get drunk while he is around. He has massively overstepped the mark (why say something unless he was hoping that it went further) but I don't think any good will come from telling either your friend or your husband at this point.

SavoirFlair · 10/09/2022 14:30

VladmirsPoutine · 10/09/2022 14:26

Think about all the lives that would be ruined if you do engage in some 'illicit' fun. Your spouses, life as you know it, the children. All that down the drain for a few minutes of being poked about.

All that down the drain for a few minutes of being poked about.

Once again here’s a Mumsnetter with a reductive statement about sex.

if it’s just “a few minutes of being poked about” then why do 1 in 5 people have them, and 25 of people on Tinder are in relationships?

I mean…

to be clear @VladmirsPoutine i am not justifying immoral or illicit behaviour. No way. Lives ruined etc

but by reducing sex and the feeling of being desired to jokiness (typical “no sex please” Mumsnet) then you’re wilfully dismissing the whole motivator behind affairs

Some people like sex; the feeling of being wanted, the excitement of touch and the reassurance of being desired.

Not everyone, but enough that I suspect this is what is behind the OP’s interest

VladmirsPoutine · 10/09/2022 14:32

@SavoirFlair The OP asked for how to get over this 'non-affair', not a deep dive into primal desires. HTH.

BigBearLittleBear · 10/09/2022 14:37

I’ve no advice except to say:

(1) You’re not happily married and if you were honest with yourself, you’d admit that; and

(2) You’re not friends with the wife because of you were you’d tell her that her husband is touting around for extra-marital sex.

Carpy88999 · 10/09/2022 14:39

You tell your friend what he said.

Darbs76 · 10/09/2022 14:42

Tell your husband what was said, discuss what you do about it. Do you tell your friend? I guess if you do, then you’re not all going to socialise together again anyway. Do agree stay away. It’s not worth it but a bit of fun.

SplendidUtterly · 10/09/2022 14:45

Tell your friend. You won't be the first or the last that he trys his luck on. He just wants sex with whoever will have him basically because he is bored.

Pastamaus · 10/09/2022 14:59

How long ago did he tell you this?

trilbydoll · 10/09/2022 15:01

Sex would be weird and awkward and nothing like you are imagining 😉

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 10/09/2022 15:10

I was in similar shoes years ago. Until he sent me a dick pic totally unrequested or wanted.. I chose to back away from him and my friend. Couldn't bring myself to tell her. And any big showdown could have ruined their marriage.

MoveBitch · 10/09/2022 15:10

I get it OP, knowing that someone finds you attractive after years of not having that kind of attention is pretty invigorating.

Enjoy the fantasy I say! Why not, just don't act on it. As you don't see each other alot it shouldn't be too hard

RedBonnet · 10/09/2022 15:21

Years ago I used to wonder why my friends would suddenly drop off my radar. After we divorced I found out it was because my exh was trying it on with them. I wish one of them had told me - would have saved me a lot of wasted time.

So yes, tell your dh and your friend what he said. She deserves better and you need your husband to know so that trust is maintained.

It goes without saying that you should avoid him. You might lose your friend too depending on her reaction.

You need to be disgusted with him, not flattered. How would you feel if your husband had said that to her?

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