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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to get over this non-affair?

52 replies

Conflictedinlondon · 10/09/2022 13:11

So my friend’s husband who I have known for about 15 years and also consider a friend has recently told me he has feelings for me. To be clear, he’s not “in love” with me and doesn’t want to leave his wife. He literally told me he fancies the pants off me and thinks we should have an affair. I’m happily married with children and our families have been close for years although we now only see each other a few times a year as they moved to the suburbs.

I know this should be easy to shut down but I cannot stop thinking about him and the possibility of some illicit fun. I’d never thought of him like that precisely because I am married and so is he. But now that he’s opened that door I cannot get him out of my head.

What I’m after, as daft as it sounds, is any tips or tricks for getting him out of my head!! I wish he’d never said anything and I would have happily been going about my daily life. Don’t shout at me as I haven’t done anything and wouldn’t. I just want to stop thinking about it as it’s giving my anxiety!

Do I need to meditate, try hypnosis, etc??

OP posts:
thenewduchessoflapland · 10/09/2022 15:28

Stop looking at this man in a positive light and in a negative one for the person he really is.

He has zero respect for women including you.He's a cheater;he thinks you're easy and stupid.He's probably cheated before;he might have an STD.He's a lair and a manipulator.He might have tried this BS with some other women in your social circle.

grayhairdontcare · 10/09/2022 15:42

The fact you are thinking about it and not in a bad way means....
You are not her friend
You are not happily married
You are considering sex more important than your family
HTH

jays · 10/09/2022 15:45

Conflictedinlondon · 10/09/2022 13:11

So my friend’s husband who I have known for about 15 years and also consider a friend has recently told me he has feelings for me. To be clear, he’s not “in love” with me and doesn’t want to leave his wife. He literally told me he fancies the pants off me and thinks we should have an affair. I’m happily married with children and our families have been close for years although we now only see each other a few times a year as they moved to the suburbs.

I know this should be easy to shut down but I cannot stop thinking about him and the possibility of some illicit fun. I’d never thought of him like that precisely because I am married and so is he. But now that he’s opened that door I cannot get him out of my head.

What I’m after, as daft as it sounds, is any tips or tricks for getting him out of my head!! I wish he’d never said anything and I would have happily been going about my daily life. Don’t shout at me as I haven’t done anything and wouldn’t. I just want to stop thinking about it as it’s giving my anxiety!

Do I need to meditate, try hypnosis, etc??

Just think about how truly horrible he is to try and hit on his wife’s friend. Maybe the wife put him up to it to see what you’d do. That would be enough to put me right off!

girlmom21 · 10/09/2022 15:49

Tell your friends and your husband.

You're not the first woman he's tried this with. You won't be the last.

Don't ruin your husbands and your childrens lives for a man like that.

OldTinHat · 10/09/2022 15:59

He just wants a fuck and you're the most available option.

Selfesteem22 · 10/09/2022 16:00

I think telling your husband what he said is a good idea. I wouldn't bother telling your friend as I think she could blame you. Odds on he has cheated before

Sideorderofchips · 10/09/2022 16:08

Think about how it will feel to be shunned by friends and family. Of being hated by their kids as the person who ruined their lives. Or family who don't want you anywhere near them.

That's what happened to my so called best friend who had an affair with my husband. No one wants to know her now, family hate her and everyone knows what she did

KimberleyClark · 10/09/2022 16:12

I would not tell your friend as has been suggested as nothing has actually happened and it could backfire on you badly. He might tell her it was you who came on to him or something. I do think it would be good thing to tell your husband though.

whingewhinge · 10/09/2022 16:13

It's only hot because he's expressed an intense desire for you, I think that might be getting you off more than he actually is.

Just stop fantasising that it will be good sex. Imagine it's rubbish, that he does everything you hate and has a weird cum face. And keep thinking of that. Whatever you do don't get yourself off to thoughts of him, that will just reinforce it. Think of a hot stranger instead.

Somanysocks · 10/09/2022 16:23

Crumbs Op, don't be so daft.

SlashBeef · 10/09/2022 16:23

One of our "friends" did this to me. I told his wife and she rolled her eyes and explained that he'd been caught doing it before 🤷‍♀️ You're not special OP. He just wants a shag with someone. Literally anyone.

Tabitha005 · 10/09/2022 16:36

jeaux90 · 10/09/2022 13:26

To think that 15 minutes of probably bad sex will ruin your life. He is probably paunchy and might have a micro penis.

HTH

@jeaux90 sorry, I know you were being serious, but that REALLY made me laugh!

OP: my tip would be to remember how very unattractive it is for married men to proposition (because that's really what it was) anyone, least of all their wives' frigging friends! He might be an absolute stud, but his actions say 'dickhead'.

BatshitBanshee · 10/09/2022 16:43

He moved to the burbs and now he's bored.

You are happily married but probably haven't felt desired for a long time till Sleazy McCheat showed a modicum of interest with a half hearted offer.

Buy a d*ldo before you throw your life away on some crap "illicit" sex.

Methodlem · 10/09/2022 16:45

Honestly view it for what it is - he is willing for you to ruin your life so he can have a one night stand. He wouldn't say this to you if he had respect for you as a person or respected your marriage.

I've had married men very obviously flirt with me. I find it insulting.

I have a friend who gets very excited by proposals such as this. I always find the men misogynistic and I think they can tell she has low self esteem. I think part of the attraction for these men is that they can ruin her life. It's horrible

ladydoris · 10/09/2022 16:46

Imagine the most hideous body with his head on it. Also focus on the wife. Like seriously. Then your kids. Then your husband. Then think about yourself, not him, what you think about yourself and what your values are, what you will be remembered for.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/09/2022 16:52

Think it through. If you're this stressed about some random imaginings, you would never get away with an actual affair! Its exciting because you dont get any of the boring bits of a relationship. think about him having a poo, picking his nose while watching the tv with his other hands down his trousers, all his horrible habits that are hidden from you now

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/09/2022 16:53

If you had a good marriage you’d have told your husband straight away.

billy1966 · 10/09/2022 17:41

BatshitBanshee · 10/09/2022 16:43

He moved to the burbs and now he's bored.

You are happily married but probably haven't felt desired for a long time till Sleazy McCheat showed a modicum of interest with a half hearted offer.

Buy a d*ldo before you throw your life away on some crap "illicit" sex.

This and read @HangOnToYourself .

He's a complete sleaze who absolutely is probably on the general prowl and thinks you are low hanging fruit.

Do not be flattered.
This is NOT flattering.

He has zero respect for his wife and the friendship you all have.

Tell your husband and back away.

Also have a look at your marriage because it sounds vulnerable.

I think in your 40's it is very possible for those even happily married to wonder about a fling amidst the monotony of family life.

Don't blow up your life for an absolute sleaze chancing his arm.

Summerslam · 10/09/2022 18:01

Urgh. He sounds repulsive. Why get a thrill out of the possibility of shagging a friend’s husband? You should be mortified.

Cw112 · 10/09/2022 18:38

I'd put as much distance in there as possible. I'd also be cross at him for putting you in a very awkward position with your friend. If it were me I'd be prioritising my family right now, date nights with dh, enjoy improving your intimacy at home, invest in your kids even more etc and stop spending time with this guy. I'd tell him it's probably best you don't have any further contact out of respect for both other halves and that you don't want to spend time together any more. It depends on how close you are to his wife but I'd probably feel I need to distance myself from both as they come as a package by the sounds of it and it would be difficult not to tell her. Or maybe you do tell her but be prepared for a rough outcome. I'd probably reduce contact all round tbh.

worriedniece · 10/09/2022 19:13

First of all, tell your husband what he has said to you and that you have NO intention of acting on it. That should pour cold water on it

Thefrailocean · 10/09/2022 20:15

I get it OP, knowing that someone finds you attractive after years of not having that kind of attention is pretty invigorating.

Do you think this is at the root of why you are not easily able to dismiss this op?

jeaux90 · 11/09/2022 12:33

@Tabitha005 it was supposed to be serious/amusing Grin

It's so true though the fantasy never lives up to reality.

askyfullofthunder · 11/09/2022 13:02

@GingerPigz gives excellent advice - You need to maintain a distance between you and him at all times. Do less things altogether, start making excuses about why you can't get together. But if you ever do find yourselves in the same vicinity, never EVER get drunk while he is around.

I KNOW it's good advice because i've been in a similar boat. Newer friends though, immediate attraction between myself and friend's DH. We behaved badly in that we once had several drinks and acknowledged it verbally. Nothing else 'happened' as such, but it was inappropriate and I felt awful about it for everyone involved. It's been a bit awkward between us ever since, but nothing our spouses would pick up on. Your situation sounds a bit different though - my friend's DH wasn't suggesting we have an affair at ALL, and the attraction was mutual on both sides from the off. If you've never thought of him like that before, are you just getting swept up in the flattery of it?

I'm going to go against some advice on here and say don't tell your spouse, or your friend...it will do nothing other than blow up in your face. Just try to forget it and move on. Don't hang out with him so much and create some distance etc xx

BrokenMatress · 11/09/2022 13:02

I suspect that you would be 1 of a very long line of quick flings that he has had