To not speak to DH for a while

[Chubbymcfatfuck]

Over a jokey comment.

I've put on weight due to having DC and an injury meaning I couldn't do much for a while. Had pnd and also DC was a terrible sleeper for nearly a year, so had a rough time, and mentally I just couldn't put my mind to losing weight. I have now lost 1 stone but have some more to go, but finding it tough.

Prior to this, I was always skinny. I hate the way I look now, I'm very self conscious. He knows this. Yet he still makes jokes about my weight.

This evening, we were in kitchen, I made some comment about his t shirt, I can't even remember what, but it wasn't anything bad. He then looked at me around my waist area, and said “you wouldn't even fit into this”. I know I sound like a drama queen, but I just feel so humiliated, and fat and ugly. He knows I'm annoyed and has apologised, said it was just a joke. But he really looked at me first, then said it, like he was really speaking his mind.

I'm normally a fan of saying why I'm annoyed, talking it out and moving on, and I hate silent treatment, but I can't bring myself to give more than a one word answer. AIBU to continue not speaking to him until I bloody well feel like it? Probably tomorrow evening.

He's usually not a prick.

What he said was incredibly cruel. I still don’t think the silent treatment is appropriate. You’ve got a child in the house too and that atmosphere is toxic.

I generally don't like the silent treatment as it can be a bit manipulative and doesn't resolve anything, but I do think it's fair to say to him that really hurt me and we will need to talk about it but right now I need some space from you and I'll let you know when I'm ready to talk. That let's him know a) what's happened, b) where he stands and c) what you need from him. So you're being really clear and direct. Then take your time to process, think about what you want to say to him and when the time is right sit him down and explain the impact it had on you and what you need from him going forward. I'd be hurt and annoyed too and while it's good he's apologised it sounds like you need to know that he fully understands why that was hurtful and that he'll commit to not repeating it.

It's so hard when you're feeling so rubbish about yourself and it sounds like your body has just been through a lot and it needs some extra love from you first and foremost. I would also try to surround myself with lots of body positive reinforcement, sit and think about the incredible journey your body has seen you through over the last while and if you think it would help get him to stay with little one some evenings so you can go walking or be active in a way you enjoy, not necessarily to lose weight but just to reconnect with yourself a little because you deserve that. I think most new mums feel that way about all the body changes after a little one so be gentle with yourself you're not alone xx

I feel the same way about silent treatment. I actually think it's abusive but I just can't stand to be near him now.
He'll be gone all day tomorrow anyway. By the time he gets home I'll probably be over it.

I wouldn’t ‘do silent treatment’ as a punishment. You could take the time to reflect on what this relationship means to you, what you want, what’s important to you, and then try and have a serious conversation with your partner.

It sounds like he’s been holding back and maybe it’s time to get it out in the open. And then you can openly challenge his (probable) shallow, short-termist opinions.

He spoke his mind
But he did apologise

But you yourself even say you hate the way you look as you feel fat etc
Probably your dh feels the same way but wisely holds his tongue the rest of the time.

It was a once off comment . I would move on. And try to find a way to feel better about yourself

I feel you. Had DD 6 months ago and I’m the same weight as I was when pregnant. I had quite bad pnd, hip problems and now wrist problems, but also my husband is away for work a lot so it’s just me and kiddo 90% of the time so no time to sort the weight out and no energy to consider dieting! So congratulations on losing a stone 😊 that’s a great achievement!

I’d absolutely be furious if my husband made a comment like that, fortunately he appreciates what I’ve been through and does what he can to make me feel good despite how much I hate my size right now. So yeah you’re definitely NBU. I’d definitely be giving out the silent treatment right now!

Thanks all. I generally feel the same way about silent treatment. It achieves nothing. I'll take the advice and tell him I need space for a while.

I've spoken to him several times about his comments and how hurtful they are but he still does it.

I have older dcs too, one with SN, and the baby has several minor but time consuming health issues. We've had several stays in hospital most recently just this week. I'm flipping exhausted trying to hold everything together, I don't have time to exercise, or think about what I need to be eating (or not eating), and this really just felt like such a slap in the face.

It wasn't a one off. It's happened several times, and we've spoken about it several times.

Thanks. We have much in common, just me and the dcs here too most of the time. It's tough!
6 months is nothing, you'll get there!

While he was unreasonable I think how unreasonable depends on what you said to him.

Oh wow, so according to some, saying sorry is a get out of jail free card when it comes to ADULTS now as well as children?! I’ve read some shit on here but it’s mainly absolving children of any responsibility. Not grown men, making horrible comments to the woman he’s supposed to love the most. Adult human beings usually exercise some tact before making potentially upsetting comments to their significant others, I don’t know why some are so clearly keen to accept this shit.

@Chubbymcfatfuck I would feel the same. I remember years ago, ‘not talking’ to my husband because he’d upset me so much. It wasn’t punishment, I was really really upset and just couldn’t talk to him. If that’s considered abusive (but presumably making horrible comments about your wife’s body isn’t?) then so be it. Personally, I was seriously reconsidering the marriage I was that hurt until DH really took on board how upset I was and made a proper heartfelt apology. Not made a ‘I’m sorry it was a joke’ comment making it MY fault I was upset.

I dont give a flying fuck that her DH "feels.the same way" about her weight after she gained it carrying his child its absolutely disgusting of him to keep making "jokes" about the one thing he knows she is finding hurtful.
I totally understand why you are struggling to speak to him. Have you had a serious conversation with him about how hurtful you find it (tho tbh I really dont think you should have to, any decent person woildnt keep kicking you while you are down).

He's not joking he's putting you down. Don't blame you for not wanting to speak to him since he has ignored your requests to date. Might give him much needed poor for thought about how he is treating you.

@Marvellousmadness it wasn’t one off though and it was nasty. Stop minimising bad behaviour.

Wow. You're exhausted from a hospital stay and instead of supporting you, he is bullying you about how you look. That's what he is - a nasty bully. If it was a complete one off then I'd maybe say it was actually a (stupid and insensitive) joke but you've told him how hurtful this is, most people would find this hurtful so it's not like you're being 'over sensitive' or something, and he continues to do it.

I think you need to ask yourself why you still want to be with someone who deliberately sets out to make you feel awful. You say you'll 'get over it' but why the fuck should you be the one to get over your husband being a nasty bully?

I think you need to sit down and tell him that youre considering these 'jokes' as bullying, they are making you question your whole relationship as he is really picking at something you feel awful about already despite you explaining how much it hurts. Once or even twice if he is particularly slow is an accident but multiple times is deliberate. If he doesn't change his attitude it will change his relationship. How would he feel if you made jokes about his biggest insecurity (size of penis / earning power/ being least favourite child / bald spot, or whatever)

100% agree. Silent treatment being used tactfully to purposely hurt and manipulate someone is constantly confused with not wanting to speak to someone whose just hurt you on here.

He keeps doing it, he’s made it very clear he won’t stop.

You made a comment, he made a comment. You'll both have space to cool down and make up.

@dontsweatthesmallstufff

It was something boring and completely non offensive, along the lines of is it new? And that it looked similar to one the dcs bought him.

@ChiefWiggumsBoy@HangOnToYourself l really do hate silent treatment.
I have spoken to him about it before, he says sorry, appears to mean it. Then does it again.

His family all make jokes and comments about each others size. It's like water off a ducks back to them, but I've explained to him that I don't feel the same way

He has recently lost weigh after a health scare and everyone including me has been telling his he looks great. I hope this doesn't sound awful, but before this I think he felt he was punching above his weight with me, and now maybe he thinks it's changed. Although the comments started before he lost any weight.

I'm not huge. 12 to 14. Used to be 8 to 10.

Please don't do the silent treatment! It's incredibly abusive and creates a horrible atmosphere in the house, with children (even very young ones) do pick up on.

My mum was generally a wonderful mother (still is!), but growing up, she was a big fan of the silent treatment. Dad would just shrug it off, saying "oh, mum's sulking." But my sister and I HATED it. Our usually warm and loving family would just disintegrate until mum got over herself.
She memorably did it on me when I was maybe 9 or 10 because I (crime of the century!) forgot to say "thank you for having me" to a school friends mum after a play date. For what felt like ages, (it was probably about a week), I remember having to put myself to bed, because mum was still mad at me. Honestly one of my worst childhood memories, and something I really never quite got over.

You don’t need to justify yourself or reveal your clothes size. Your husband enjoys bullying. That’s the issue.

This

Totally, completely, absolutely understandable to feel that way OP.

But not ok to give the silent treatment - it tends to either escalate or get reciprocated.

Perfectly ok to TELL him that you want some space as are still processing, so can he give you a wide berth til he goes away because you don't feel like communicating with him right now.

Can you go out with/without the kids today?
I'd be tempted to leave him in sole charge of the DC. You know - those kids who stretched your lovely, childbirthing body ...

PS he's been an arsehole, I hope he realises that, make amends, & you are soon feeling a lot better in yourself

Just to be clear, I probably shouldn't have said silent treatment. I am speaking to him, just not initiating conversation. And this was only after dcs were in bed, then he was gone early and won't be back til late. I am very conscious of abuse and toxic atmosphere as my ex was very much abusive. While I won't create a toxic atmosphere, I also won't sweep it under the carpet and pretend I'm fine when I'm not.

And I do not think asking his if his tee shirt is new justified him telling me I wouldn't even fit into it. Then he laughed and said I would have to be poured into it.

Just to be clear, I probably shouldn't have said silent treatment. I am speaking to him, just not initiating conversation. And this was only after dcs were in bed, then he was gone early and won't be back til late. I am very conscious of abuse and toxic atmosphere as my ex was very much abusive. While I won't create a toxic atmosphere, I also won't sweep it under the carpet and pretend I'm fine when I'm not.

And I do not think asking his if his tee shirt is new justified him telling me I wouldn't even fit into it. Then he laughed and said I would have to be poured into it.