To not speak to DH for a while

[Chubbymcfatfuck]

Over a jokey comment.

I've put on weight due to having DC and an injury meaning I couldn't do much for a while. Had pnd and also DC was a terrible sleeper for nearly a year, so had a rough time, and mentally I just couldn't put my mind to losing weight. I have now lost 1 stone but have some more to go, but finding it tough.

Prior to this, I was always skinny. I hate the way I look now, I'm very self conscious. He knows this. Yet he still makes jokes about my weight.

This evening, we were in kitchen, I made some comment about his t shirt, I can't even remember what, but it wasn't anything bad. He then looked at me around my waist area, and said “you wouldn't even fit into this”. I know I sound like a drama queen, but I just feel so humiliated, and fat and ugly. He knows I'm annoyed and has apologised, said it was just a joke. But he really looked at me first, then said it, like he was really speaking his mind.

I'm normally a fan of saying why I'm annoyed, talking it out and moving on, and I hate silent treatment, but I can't bring myself to give more than a one word answer. AIBU to continue not speaking to him until I bloody well feel like it? Probably tomorrow evening.

He's usually not a prick.

Don’t do the silent treatment - it’s corrosive to any relationship. Also you aren’t 13.

You don’t have to sweep it under the carpet, you do have to talk to him - and tell him to pack it in.

Well he was just nasty, a nasty negging bully to the mother of his children who is still recovering from giving birth. I would personally stop doing anything at all for him until he was suitably contrite and promised never to make such remarks again.

I think a distinction needs to be drawn between not wanting to speak to someone who repeatedly makes hurtful and bullying comments to you (which is understandable) and using silence as a form of coercion and control. Given what you've said, I think it's fine not to like him or want to interact with him much at the moment (I wouldn't!) so long as you're civil to him until he gets the message that saying hurtful things to you is not OK.

He spoke his mind
He had no business speaking that part of his mind@Marvellousmadness
But he did apologise
No he didn't. He mouthed some words at OP & I would bet they included the phrase "sorry you feel ... etc"
When somebody "apologies" but then continues to repeat the behaviour they are saying sorry for - the apology is downright meaningless, innit?

But you yourself even say you hate the way you look as you feel fat etc
And I hate the scars on my body from the CSA I survived.
I really, really wouldn't enjoy a third party telling me they hated them too.

Probably your dh feels the same way but wisely holds his tongue the rest of the time.
What part of childbirth, PND, an injury, & a year's poor sleep are you & OP's H having difficulty with here?
If H only likes the way his wife looks when she is skinny, he could have thought about that before planting a baby in her, the immature twat.
Oh - & well done for putting your unnecessary opinion that OP's H hates the way she looks out there. That was such a nasty dig I'm taking 10 points from your house - Slytherin.

It was a once off comment . I would move on. And try to find a way to feel better about yourself
Are you incapable of reading more than 6 lines of text? Because here it is, right there in OP's 7th line -
Yet he still makes jokes about my weight.
You move on all you want to. Preferably in the form of pissing right off this thread, & taking your body-shaming fuckwittery with you.

If OP had a decent & supportive H, I bet she'd feel far less despair about her own body. It's his job to love her no matter what toll birthing their DC has taken on her. She doesn't need to feel "better about herself" FFS, that will come in time as the PND, injury & sleep loss fade into memory. She needs to feel better about the negging bastard her H seems to have turned into.

My mistake saying silent treatment. For the 2 hours from when he said it to when i went to bed, i was civil, but did not initiate conversation and mainly found something to do in a different room. I was clear with him that i am upset over the comment.
I have spoken to him several times about this previously.

Got the bathroom storage decluttered. Silver lining.

You don't have to be sociable and polite to people who behave hurtfully and put you down. It's not you who is harming your relationship, it's him.

@KettrickenSmiled I really appreciate that post. It made me smile.thank you.

Then he laughed and said I would have to be poured into it.

This made me gasp out loud it's so cruel.
I get that his family all do it.
But he's been told enough times that you don't, he KNOWS DAMN WELL IT HURTS YOU yet here he is doubling down, the fucker.

Any chance you can drop us a pin of his whereabouts tomorrow OP? He maybe needs an intervention from a Mumsnet Posse ... & my shellaylee.

Keep your chin up & your head down OP, if the Irish Logic makes sense to you xx

What comment are you imagining OP made @Lockheart?
She asked him about his new t shirt ffs.

And what has the DH got to cool down about? Nobody bullied, undermined & negged HIM.

When you say you’ve ‘spoken to him’, have you categorically told him to stop? If so, have you asked him why he continues to make them after you’ve told him to stop? What’s his response? ‘It’s just a joke’ isn’t a response, if you e clearly told him you don’t find it funny.

Don’t give him the silent treatment, but also don’t ‘get over it’. You’re going through a hard time and he’s making it harder. You’re allowed to be angry about this. Tell him that you’re angry. You don’t need to tolerate disrespect.

A lot if users on here seem to put up with a hell of a lot more than what I would fine tolerable.

I would be incredibly hurt and upset if my DH had said that to me and to them follow it up either 'you'd have to be poured into it' is just awful.
It sounds like he took real pleasure in knocking you down a peg or two I presume due to his self confidence.

It's not like you haven't said that it hurts when he talks to you like this before. He clearly knows it upsets you so he must be doing it deliberately now.

He's a bully, who wants to make you feel like you can't do any better by knocking your confidence. I don't think you were far off when you said about him feeling like he was punching and now feeling like he has found a sore spot to use to knock your confidence and 'prove' something to his fragile self esteem.

Omg sorry for all the typos! Fat fingers😂

I know where you are coming from. He has said something cruel to you. You don't want to carry on normally like it's fine. You have told him several times you don't like it before . I don't think you necessarily mean silent treatment. You mean space so he can think about how he fucked up treatment.

His behaviour is unkind and a put down.
It sounds like you are dealing with the bulk of the childcare, house, hospital stays, sleepless nights and pnd
What's he doing? Other than making nasty comments?

You have done really well to lose weight under the circumstances. Don't let this derail you and make you feel there's no point. Think of it as improving your health for yourself, rather than weight loss.

Its easy to say sorry and complain that it was a joke, no sense of humour ect.. That's not an apology at all - that's adding insult to injury.

The real issue is - if he wants you to lose weight so much - why? Is he perfect?
And crucially - exactly what is he doing to support you, because downplaying the efforts you have already made and making you feel like shit is the exact opposite of support.

You can't confide in people who make put downs, its self protection to say less to them about sensitive matters in case they are mean about it. Its a childish way for them to feel superior. I'd challenge him on this. He really needs to think about his attitude. Not in a name-calling way ( that's his forte) but thinking hard about what you need in current circumstances. I think this is about more than just weight. You seem to be taking on a lot and its affecting your health/appearance - and all he can do is see the end result. So you may need to spell it out to him in a positive way. Is taken in by celebrity post childbirth stories. Successful weight loss is a long process.

Support means making a commitment to be available to look after the kids regularly so that you can go to a fitness class, or run or just have me time. Support means making sure its not just you dealing with sleepless nights and find a way to help you catch up on your sleep - lack of sleep is documented to affect weight loss by the way. Support might be some funds to buy a few nice clothes that fit you now rather wearing pre preg clothes that don't fit so well ad make you feel worse. Support means not picking on the things you haven't done when you are 24/7 dealing with a lot of issues including hospital issues.
Actually saying "sorry I realise that was hurtful - what can I do to help? That's what a real apology is." Best of luck x

Is he also exhausted at the moment? If not, perhaps he should be doing more of the night-wakings and ill-child-looking-after to give you a break.

Bet he wouldn't feel like making so many 'funny' jokes when he's also exhausted.

'I was joking' isnt an apology, it's not taking any responsibility for the consequences of his actions at all, its making out it's all your fault for not 'taking a joke'...that would upset the vast majority of people

The more you post about the history behind it and what you're still dealing with in terms of kids' medical issues, the sadder I feel for you. What he said was unnecessarily cruel and he knew that it would hurt you because you have told him, multiple times before, that it does. I would be absolutely horrified if someone told me I'd made them feel the way you're feeling just once, and yet he's doing it again and again. It's belittling, (at best) thoughtless, and really, really unkind. I get it's how his family work but you are also his family and his job is to build you up, not attempt to humiliate you with humor. I'm so cross on your behalf

Sending you a big hug, and a huge congrats on your journey so far. You're doing brilliantly in exceptionally hard circumstances

Op, he was unkind and making comments is corrosive to the relationship. If you are still feeling hurt it probadly boils down to 2 factors. His apology didn't feel sincere enough and/or you are feeling very self conscious. Is a significant part of your relationship based on physical attraction?

When you still feel upset - it's worth asking yourself the question "I am still feeling hurt because I need...." What do you need?

I think I’d be devastated. My DH has only mentioned my weight in terms of being worried for me/my future, I think that’s fair. He’d never be cruel, which is what the OP’s DH has been. A serious talk needed, I feel. I can understand you finding it hard to talk to him, but you need to tell him how upset you are and that it’s his fault.

Couldn’t agree more with both of your comments.

Can’t really believe all the it’s abusive comments

You’ve had lots of very sensible advice here so I’m going glib.

I’ve put on lots of weight recently, do you want me to come round and sit on him? 😁

yay, the Mumsnet Posse is forming 😁

But what did you say about his t shirt? If you said its looking a little small/tight, he may have taken offence and responded as he did. You must have said something that stung.

I don’t think I’d want to talk to someone who behaved like that towards me either.