To not speak to DH for a while

[Chubbymcfatfuck]

Over a jokey comment.

I've put on weight due to having DC and an injury meaning I couldn't do much for a while. Had pnd and also DC was a terrible sleeper for nearly a year, so had a rough time, and mentally I just couldn't put my mind to losing weight. I have now lost 1 stone but have some more to go, but finding it tough.

Prior to this, I was always skinny. I hate the way I look now, I'm very self conscious. He knows this. Yet he still makes jokes about my weight.

This evening, we were in kitchen, I made some comment about his t shirt, I can't even remember what, but it wasn't anything bad. He then looked at me around my waist area, and said “you wouldn't even fit into this”. I know I sound like a drama queen, but I just feel so humiliated, and fat and ugly. He knows I'm annoyed and has apologised, said it was just a joke. But he really looked at me first, then said it, like he was really speaking his mind.

I'm normally a fan of saying why I'm annoyed, talking it out and moving on, and I hate silent treatment, but I can't bring myself to give more than a one word answer. AIBU to continue not speaking to him until I bloody well feel like it? Probably tomorrow evening.

He's usually not a prick.

They’re because every time a poster says their husband isn’t talking to them there’s a pile on saying “it’s abusive”, so they want to seem consistent.

in reality, some silent treatment is abusive, some is an understandable need for space. Context is everything but often it’s not available so just made up by people

Yep. What did you say?

I feel like a lot of people are eager to place blame on me in this situation. I didn't say anything negative to him. What I said was along the lines of is it new? At first glance I thought it was one the children had bought him but thrm realised it wasn't. It was a completely in noteworthy boring mundane observation. I said nothing about the fit or how it looked on him. I have been as supportive as I can and encouraging him, telling him he looks great, preparing healthy packed lunches for him, finding healthy things that he will eat as he's a fussy eater. I have told him that he looks really well. But yes, I must somehow deserve to be spoken to like this.

If you click on ‘see all’ for OP’s posts, you’ll see what she said. She clarified some time ago.

The overwhelming majority of people have said YANBU. Why is it the minority that think YABU that you’re choosing to engage with?

Your husband is treating you poorly. Are you going to address the situation?

You wanting to give him the silent treatment is your brain wanting to avoid thinking about how mean and unkind your dp was. I don’t think it’s sustainable to keep ‘getting over’ the things he says, he needs to keep his mouth shut about your weight and only ever compliment your appearance unless you’re directly asking for his honest opinion. He sounds like a bully at a time when he should be especially kind and supportive.

@Cherchezlaspice yes,you're right, they are in the minority. Just a bit frustrated at the repeated questions as to what I had said to provoke it when I have already clarifird.

I've had lot of good advice. We're going to have a serious talk tonight when he's home. Again. I might write stuff down to make sure I get everything that I'm feeling out.

He's a good husband and father generally. I don't think he intended to hurt me like that, it's just a lifelong habit for him and his family. But he will have to stop. Thanks all for the advice.

No, the silent treatment is never the best solution, ever. Explain to him how much his has hurt you and perhaps go and spend the evening with a friend

Must she, @hewouldwouldnthe ?

Do you make a habit of not reading OP's actual words (hint, at least read her updates), then putting them into her mouth so you can enjoy all the fake sanctimony of victim-blaming?

It sounds to me like his attitude is based on misogyny and he assumes that women should all be thin. He wouldn't say it to a bloke would he. These men never do make these type of jokes about other men. He's a misogynist and these men who often make these 'jokes' about their wife's weight, also use as an excuse for when they cheat "you let yourself go!". Note I'm not saying he would cheat, just that they're the type of people who make these jokes. I would have a serious discussion and say you will not be disrespected and abused like this any longer and that you will seriously consider separating if he doesn't stop - I honestly would say that, so he wakes up a bit. And, that your body has earned it's right to be that way, it conceived and grew and birthed his child so he should be grateful.

Hope he heard you out properly last night OP, & that you are feeling much better.
Also that he remembers not to do it again - no matter how funny his family thinks this kind of insult-based 'banter' is.

@KettrickenSmiled yes,had a good talk about it. As predicted by many here he went straight in with the sorry but it was a joke defence, which I was prepared for and nipped in the bud.
I don't know if he fully gets why it upsets me so much, but he knows that it does and to keep his mouth shut in future.
We didn't get around to having a talk until today. I think the couple of evenings of frostiness will have helped hammer home the point. Hopefully he will recover from this terrible abuse 😉

You were not giving him silent treatment. You told him it upset you. He hurt you and it's ok for you to not be ready to speak again at the time of his apology. He needs to stop making these comments when you told him multiple times how self conscious you feel about your weight. Be kind to yourself, you are not giving silent treatment or abusing him.

ha ha yes I imagine he will 'recover' OP.
Good update & well done for the bud-nipping

Another thing to watch out for, if he slips up again, is the DARVO manoeuvre - www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/
Not because he is an 'evil abusive bastard' who needs the Mumsnet Posse - but because I think you have correctly identified 2 factors at play here, & there's also a 3rd one:

Firstly - he's grown up with a lifetime of being taught that personal insults are funny. He's likely to slip up out of habit. If so, you'll be ready with bud-nipping again, yeah?
"DH, cut it out, I wish you were able to understand exactly why & how this is unacceptable, but as you clearly haven't worked it out yet, I'm going to need to train you like a dog every time you do it. I don't want a thick dog for a husband, so it would be better if you understood what you are doing instead of accepting 'correction' - because it can't feel nice you you - & for me, I'll be losing a bit of respect for you every time I have to point out your idiocy here."

Secondly - the 'punching above his weight' you mentioned.
As he hasn't stopped to properly work out the reasons this is hurtful to you, or to consider your feelings at all really, he acted like a jeering child who reckons they now have the upper hand over a coveted toy in the playground.
"Remember how sensitive you felt before you started working out? Remember how I never mocked your body? That's because I'm with YOU, not your external appearance. Why do you believe that it's my role to be kind & supportive, but for you, it's ok to make cruel & intolerant remarks? I dislike that double standard, & every time you do it, you make me wonder who you are & how safe it is to trust you."

Thirdly - All the women on your thread get it. He doesn't get to excuse himself because he is male.
It's blindingly fucking obvious that his wife had been through labour, managed pnd AND an injury, & is reeling from sleep deprivation. What's his excuse for failing to see what's under his own nose in his own home?
You may find that another good long chat about what women's bodies actually go through is in order. Not to lay down the law - but to increase his understanding, because from understanding comes empathy & genuine communication.
If he is capable of appreciating the huge changes your body & mind have been through, he'd be less likely to mock, & more likely to stand in awe of what you have achieved. So ... educate him! He should be worshipping at the goddess's feet, the plank. Help him to lose his plankness & I suspect you'll both be a lot happier, because you will have opened a channel of communication about how you made your new family together, & what a stonking achievement it is.

The silent treatment isn’t always abusive. If someone has been a twat , and even apologised about it, I still might not be inclined to exchange anything beyond basic and necessary communication for a time. Sometimes, particularly twattish comments can take a while to ‘get over’.

Not speaking is for children.
Have an honest conversation