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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Too old?

81 replies

Glamorgans · 09/09/2022 20:59

I'm 38 and DH is 50. We're both very active, fit and healthy. I'm biased of course but I don't think we feel our ages!

We've been offered IVF, via the NHS, after several years TTC. IVF has a very good chance of success, our specialist has told us.

We've been trying for so many years I feel I've lost perspective; but are we just too old now?

OP posts:
Matildahoney · 10/09/2022 11:29

I'm 39 and pregnant with my first, I'll be 40 when it's born, there's a few of us on the pregnancy board this age or older.

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 10/09/2022 12:05

I will start with the disclaimer that all of our’s were conceived naturally, but that aside, here is my experience:

DC1 born when I was 25 and DH was 41
DC2 born when I was 26 and DH was 42
DC3 born when I was 33 and DH was 48
DC4 born when I was 35 and DH was 51

While I have felt the effects of being older in my subsequent children’s childhoods (partially due to suffering horrendously during pregnancy), DH has actually improved in his abilities and vigour as a parent.

DC1 is 18 now, DC4 is 9, I am 44 and DH is 59. I actually think DH has more energy for the kids, physically (although that may be partially due to the fact that I often work 60-80hr weeks and DH works pretty standard 35-40hr weeks, I work shifts, so we are lucky to still be able to be there almost all out of school hours for them all, apart from DC1 who is at uni, still lives at home, but spends a large amount of time out of the house).

I got cancer at 35 when my DC4 was still a baby, which I almost didn’t survive, DH is still fighting fit. Thankfully we are both now well, capable and involved parents.

So really, all those words were to show that, most people wouldn’t bat an eyelid at a female becoming a mother at 35, and would have quite strong negative opinions about a male becoming a father at 51, however my experience just goes to show that, extremes aside, age can’t really predict health, or how your journey as a parent will go due to it.

Follow your heart OP, be prepared for the good and the bad, and good luck ❤️

Glamorgans · 10/09/2022 12:43

@WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat

Thank you so much for your post. I can feel 99% sure of going forward and trying but then just that 1% negative creeps in and my heart sinks.

Maybe I ought to stop overthinking and just follow my heart! As you say, health is never guaranteed (I do hope you're doing well now?) - there may be many risks but I'd hate to live with more regret.

OP posts:
WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 10/09/2022 13:27

@Glamorgans

You're very welcome, and thank you - I'm in remission.

My advice, fwiw, would be to go with your heart. It might happen for you, and it might not, but either way, if you don't try, I have a feeling you'll always think about (if not as strong as regret) it.

Jaaxe · 10/09/2022 19:07

I agree with @WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat you should totally go for it, nothing in life is guaranteed regardless of age and you might regret not trying for that family x

Beamur · 10/09/2022 20:12

I think the fact that you are actively considering the potential impact of your being older parents is actually a rather lovely sign that you are mindful of your potential child's welfare.
IMO good parents do this.
Life is full of uncertainty. A childhood growing up with loving and committed parents is a genuine blessing.
Good luck whatever you do. But I think you might have more regret if you don't than if you do try.

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