Too old?

[Glamorgans]

I'm 38 and DH is 50. We're both very active, fit and healthy. I'm biased of course but I don't think we feel our ages!

We've been offered IVF, via the NHS, after several years TTC. IVF has a very good chance of success, our specialist has told us.

We've been trying for so many years I feel I've lost perspective; but are we just too old now?

Go for it if it is what you want.

I wouldn't worry about him being too old and what if he isn't around to see them graduate or whatever, my mum had me in her early 20s and was dead when I was 13. Shit happens and that can't be predicted. I would however just bear in mind that the risk for certain conditions can increase the older the father is.

I'm 34 currently expecting our first. If it goes well I may even decide to have a second but we shall see! But I'll probably be around your age by that point so no I don't think that's old at all. Many more people are waiting until they're I'm a better place with money/ career/ have just done what they wanted with life before starting families so I don't think 38 is old at all. If it's something you want and you feel you have the love to give then I wish you all the best with it.

Certainly not too old! I had my two at 41 and 45. Still here at 55 to tell the tale.

Sorry but you're kidding yourself and you're deluded. Your DH will be elderly before your child leaves school. Having lots of energy, going hiking and kayaking, and supposedly looking nowhere near 50 (even though he very likely does,) means nothing. He is still 50. It's too old to become a parent. You being 38 is pushing it, as you will be 40 probably by the time you have a baby - possibly older. So as you asked, yeah I think you're too old...

I know you get the 'I had 4 babies in my 40s and everything went swimmingly and I look and feel 29 even though I'm 60' brigade plopping onto these threads, but the fact is that it's much better to have babies younger - pref under 35.

Older fathers are amazing. They appreciate it all in a way you get men just don’t seem to be able to. Go for it why regret this?! A baby is always a blessing

My Mum hade naturally and by accident at 40. We live long healthy lives in my family and she was able to babysit for me in her 70's. When she retired at 65 she became a lolly pop lady and that led to babysitting jobs. There are foster carers in their 70's. Doctors were keen during Covid to point out that all 70 year olds aren't equal. Only you can judge knowing your health/family medical history.

38's fine. 50 gives me pause. But it's your decision.

I've never heard anyone say IVF chances are good, though...my understanding was that it fails far more often than it succeeds and people will be using it only if they are already having difficulties. Did the specialist elaborate?

Oh, and your husband "not looking 50" is totally irrelevant. Being sporty is one thing but children are exhausting on every level from the sleep deprivation to the lack of time. It's really not comparable to enjoying adventure holidays. It's an entire life change.

I don't think you're too old to try IVF. Your dh at 50 I think maybe.

I had dd2 at 38, that was actually my cut off. 2 mc and if she didn't stick, then that would have been my last try.

I'm 45 now, and dd2 last night said to me that her bf#1 mum is 30 and her bf#2 mum is 28 but that she doesn't mind too much having an old mum.

Arguing with a 7 yo that I'm not old 😂

I know someone who was 43 when she had her DC via IVF.

Go for it!

Good luck!

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps this may be an anonymous forum but that doesn't give you the right to be rude.

Absolutely, at least I'm considering the change with my eyes wide open!

Luckily we're very financially secure and both work very part time hours, so I'd hope that both of us on hand for baby, with energy not having to be spent on full time jobs, would be a plus.

It is DH's age more than mine that is holding me back. Though my cut off was 35 for myself but unfortunately life can have other plans - I never thought I'd be considering starting a family so late, but it hasn't been our choice sadly.

I think only you can decide but does seem a bit selfish in regards to your dp. He'll likely never see them get married as the average age for first marriage in uk is 31. But they could get married and have kids young or not get married or have kids so it's all very unknown. Did you and do meet late in life?

I know, it's those what ifs/unknowns!

We met when I was 26 and he was 38, so later in life for him I suppose?

Do you mind me asking a couple of questions? I am curious how long you have been trying for? Does your husband have any other children?

DH doesn't have any children - we've been trying for around 8 years.

I thought it would happen but the years rolled by, then by the time I had investigations I then needed operations with a long recovery, then Covid hit and put a stop to all our appointments. Once the IVF clinic reopened I needed more tests etc from scratch, and just had the appointment to say we've been accepted.

It's been a series of bad timing/rotten luck.

OP there are so many uncertainties in life. If you can offer your child love and security then go for it.

I'd be concerned about your husbands declining sperm quality and your chances of having a successful round of IVF

In your shoes id consider donor sperm and would definitely get started asap, as your fertility will be declining at a great pace (declines from 30, starts to nosedive from 35)

I would say DH is too old and I speak as someone the same age as him. At that age, I am beginning to consider when I can retire. If he becomes a parent at say 51, child will still be in education past his retirement age. Children often live at home these days until mid 20's or beyond. So maybe till he's 75.
Parenting in your 50's is hard, and mine are all teens now, not babies. Parenting teens in your late 60's would be too hard, and would be a definite no from me.

I had DD naturally at 41, DH was 46. We had NIPT testing, beware of the increased risk of autism with older fathers too.

DH is fantastic, he doesn’t lack energy yet! DD is 3 so he is 49, going on 50 now. But we agreed a second was a bridge too far so sticking with one.

I had an easy pregnancy and birth and I have found it a breeze tbh!

You're not. He might be, but that's a choice for him.

I’d say you are okay. Go for it.

I'm 41 and just had my first baby via IVF. It can be a pretty brutal process though so do be prepared for that. Best of luck whatever you decide.

I think you should go for it but try to prepare yourself emotionally as best you can for the chance that it doesn't work out.

You yourself would not be particularly old as a mother - lots of mothers nowadays have children late 30s/early 40s. Either by choice or because that's how life works out for them.

And tbh your DH being the age he is would not put me off if, like you, I wanted a child. Firstly (and perhaps cynically) because lots of men of all ages and regardless of health aren't particularly good fathers and don't pull their weight. Their partners and ex-partners manage to cope. If your DH is keen to be involved and to be a parent, the fact that he might have less energy and get tired more easily would not be an issue for me, especially if you could afford a bit of extra help with day-to-day parenting when you're in the thick of the energetic toddler stage.

Thanks everyone. Feels like an impossible decision, logically I think we're too old. But my heart very much wants a family.