To feel guilty for DS's ADHD

[cherrypickers]

My 7yo DS has just been diagnosed with adhd after two difficult years at school and even though I knew this was coming I still feel awful about it. I feel like I must have done something wrong while I was pregnant or that it's my fault in some other way that he has to deal with this for his whole life. I desperately wish for him that he could fit in at school but he can't. Anyone else been in this position and how did you manage?

Its mostly genetic (I think Russell Barkley who is an expert in the field puts it at 66-75%) and that isn't necessarily a parent with ADHD but can also include mutations to the sperm or eggs. The other 25% he attributes to: maternal infections, prem babies, maternal diabetes, complicated births (over 24 hrs, with forceps / ventouse, anoxia) or post birth head trauma, toxins like pesticides etc etc

I don't think you can be blamed for any of that?

But we did have a complicated birth so maybe it was that. I can't help but feel I should have done better by him, got him out quicker 😪

There is absolutely nothing you did in your pregnancy that has caused your son's neurological condition. There's no one to blame in this scenario.

I'm at the beginning stages myself of possibly obtaining the same diagnosis. After years of wondering why certain tasks were so difficult for me, it turns out that adhd was flagged up to my parents when I was in school but they thought I was coping well enough and decided against an assessment!

Keep supporting him as you have been doing, support him to find strategies to manage the areas he struggles with. There is certainly far more awareness of conditions like adhd than there was previously and there are communities of people with adhd on social media now that might help you feel less alone.

Nothing you did or didn't do made this happen, you may as well feel responsible for him being a boy or having brown hair (or whatever colour his hair is). It just is.

It can take a lot to get your head around a diagnosis, even one that was expected, and all the worries that go alongside it. I promise it will get easier and that the initial shock and self-doubt will wear off.

You did what was bets for your DS - you saw he was having issues, you pushed for an assessment, you got a diagnosis, and now that'll help him get the support he needs. That's no small thing.

Is he getting any support at school with social skills?

I had a complicated birth too - but I don't feel a shred of guilt over that. It was something I couldn't control. I am a little angry with the hospital though - the midwives let me go far too long before involving the obstetrician by which time my dd had been in foetal distress for quite some time. She had to go to SCBU as a full term baby with breathing difficulties. However, it may not have been that - I strongly suspect that I am undiagnosed ADHD (the ADD variant) so probably unwittingly passed it on.

Its good that your boy has been diagnosed young so that he can get the appropriate support. Living with ADHD can be challenging but it can also confer strengths

Ah OP, this is not your fault at all. In fact, I'd say there is nothing here to blame anything on. My DS has ADHD. It makes school difficult for him, but these kids are who they are regardless of anything we parents have done.

The real issue is that schools and society in general are the dis-abling factor by expecting all children to function and behave in the same way. Focus your anger/frustration on that rather than on yourself.

I've found it helps to look at the positives that come with ADHD. What personality traits/behaviours does your son have BECAUSE of ADHD? For example, my DS is far more interested in a whole range of topics than a lot of kids his age. He never gets bored. If we're outside in the woods/park, he never asks to leave, he can amuse himself with mud/sticks/water/trees/etc for far longer than his friends. And not just outdoors...everything is interesting! Conversely, if he has to stop doing something, he's able to switch his focus quickly onto something else.

So whilst it's tough at times, and my DS struggles at school too, in certain situations my son thrives where plenty of NT kids wouldn't. But

I do think much can be achieved by changing your own thinking around it. There are lots of YouTube videos, Ted talks, books that are positive about ADHD. Immerse yourself in those and be kinder to yourself.

'Conditions' like ADHD are possibly only disabilities or disadvantages is the society and educational system we have created. Biologically there are huge advantages in having the ADHD brain type indeed throughout history, many pioneering people would now probably be categorised as having ADHD. You didn't damage your child. We just developed our society to value other traits more.

Thank you everyone 😔 you're right and of course there are so many good things about him. I just worry about his path ahead. I'll do everything I can to support him

That guilt is useless and inaccurate. All it will do is suck up strength and headspace that you and your son will need for the road ahead to actually help him. My son is diagnosed severe adhd, whenever we go to the clinic he is by far the most obviously adhd child there. Even with the ones who are much younger than him. It has not been easy and I'm not going to sugar coat it but it is a constant battle, particularly if he is going to stay in mainstream school. I get multiple calls from the school in a week and have to go and pick him up early some days. The ignorance and judgement not just from schools who should know better, but also from so called family and friends is extremely tiring and upsetting and it is constant.
So yeah work through the guilt now and quickly because you are going to need your strength to defend your child and yourself for a long time.

Your DS sounds wonderful.

@deedledeedledum thank you for that comment. I’m dealing with two children with SEN and I feel like the OP, guilty and worried. But sometimes I think if we lived in a different time my kids would have more of a place in the society. I really appreciated your comment.

Hi op, I really relate to you but guilt and parenting are hand in hand! I have a 16 yo DD with ADHD and Autism - she was diagnosed with autism aged 8. I felt guilty and helpless and terrified for her future. 8 years later I am not feeling the same way. DD has lots of issues, she has an EHCP, getting her to school is a trial of patience and teamwork. But we have come so far. DD is amazing (and infuriating - she is a teen!😂). She got through her GCSEs and got brilliant results, she had exam arrangements and lots of cheerleading at home but she did the work- and took the meds. Now she is doing A levels and is looking forward to a school trip to Italy for Classics. Something we would not have imagined a few years ago.

I am sure there is a genetic reason for her issues, there are a range of "quirky" and creative family members, I am probably dyspraxic, my mum is definitely Autistic. But with support the future is not as bleak for people with ADHD. Knowing why you are the way you are is more helpful than you realise, there are great podcasts, meds and apps you can use to help stay on track.

Life is not over or limited you will just need to follow what your dc needs and not worry about what is "normal" - which is pretty meaningless anyway!

DS1 has ADHD. It took me until he was ten years old to get a diagnosis. When he was little I didn't have anything to compare him with (he was our only child for nine years) and it wasn't until he began school that teachers pointed out there was something going on. He didn't disrupt, swear or behave badly but it showed in many other ways.

He didn't enjoy school and never engaged but had a huge obsession, which we encouraged and that lead to an apprenticeship and his current career. He is now 26, engaged (no children but they have been together ten years,) has a great job and bought a house three years ago. Objectively he's now ahead of many of his peers in life with no debt apart from the mortgage or student loans. I'm so proud of him and what he has achieved. Any guilt I felt has long since left me.

Lose the guilt and transfer it to strength to fight for his needs. Nothing you did or didn't do made this happen its genetic and its very very common.

I have a child with both asc and adhd. I too have asc and adhd. I didn't know until my dc was diagnosed that I was the same. When my dc was diagnosed I went through a period of grief so roll with that for a bit if necessary.

What I will say to you is that although I recognise everyone is different, I'm sure he will find his way, he will learn to use his strengths and ways to cope in today's world. I keep telling myself this about my dc.

I use my feelings around my dc diagnosis to fight and push for every single bit of support or extra stuff she deserves and needs.

Even with adhd and asc I still manage to work in a notoriously stressful professional job. I have managed to be promoted quickly and now hold a specialist position, I'm paid well. In fact I'm not blowingmy own trumpet but I have done better than all my friends and family career wise and I do believe my adhd has actually helped. I have my own house and marriage. I have a handful of genuine friends who I met later in life and although its sometimes a struggle I manage to maintain these friendships. I'm generally happy. Diagnosis is not a world ending thing.

Op guilt is a pointless emotion.

It can be put to good use though.

My DD13 has adhd and ASD. She has medication on school days and is thriving. I do have her in a small school with classes of 12 which helps her ASD enormously.

Now, I am also ND. I was very sporty and academically mediocre. I have done very well career wise, senior in a big tech company. My industry is full of ND people.

I'm also a single/lone parent.

You can help him thrive, build resilience and independence.

Yes there will be challenges for him and for you, but be positive.

I wish my own mother had been able to get me diagnosed as a child, it would have saved over a decade of struggling, ostracism, and poor mental health. Please don't blame yourself for an outcome that was out of your hands from the start. Instead, reflect on how much more support and understanding your DS will recieve now that he's been officially diagnosed. His outcomes will be far better :)

What on earth makes you feel its your fault? Are you sure youre wording this right?
Youre not just sad about him being diagnosed with attention difficulties, but you think that mothers (ie you) could try harder to not have difficult births?

Are you always so hard on yourself?

I get it. I have a child with Aspergers who had a terribly difficult birth. I really think he maybe always would have had some autistic traits, possibly would always even have been autistic but the traumatic birth (and hypoxia) probably pushed that over the edge of probability into certainty.

many of his traits are visible in other family members (on both sides) and I suspect that I might too be autistic to some degree. I fit the profile of ‘gifted’ and am female born mid 80s - so likely one of the lost generation.

I can think of two relatives in particular (one my side one DH’s side) who have more difficulty in day to day functioning than I do and would almost certainly reach the threshold of diagnosis.

that said, he has many amazing qualities and whilst parenting him is challenging, it is also at times very rewarding.

This is not your fault. But in my experience diagnosis is a gift. It gives you a new lens through which to understand your child, and will be instrumental in how school and others understand him too.

Aw that's lovely to read WoodlandMummy, thank you. I thought the same reading Loachworks post about her DS, how amazing her son sounds.

My DS is not without his challenges or struggles. But there is lot's about him that is just brilliant.

@cherrypickers I can understand your worry. Life can be harder for these kids and therefore us parents. I think we've just got to focus on the positives as much as we can.

This is one of my favourite videos about ADHD. My DS would be a 'hunting and gathering badasss' for sure.

Many (most?) kids grow out of ADHD OP so things may well change.

I have ND children including a daughter with ADHD. Unfortunately we needed a 'diagnosis' due to struggles with school. I don't think any of them have disorders as they are diagnosed, it's normal human variation. It's more society is NT based so they need the diagnosis for support to be accessed. My daughter was low birth weight and had a head injury, but I can see how she was right from the beginning, same with my other children. I think it's all genetic in our case. I can see it all in older family members too but it just wasn't recognised then. There are benefits to society of ND, which is why it occurs.

I think as neuroscience develops, and we learn more about human brains, the idea of a physical birth as you describe affecting ADHD might be disproved. Pls don’t criticise yourself for something I don’t think we even fully understand yet.

for sure we need a diversity of human brains for dif skills and abilities.

@Willyoujustbequiet no they don't its lifelong

This has been disproven, actually. ADHD symptoms become less outwardly apparent as people grow older, but they rarely go away - they just become internalised, which can be more subtly destructive.

chadd.org/adhd-weekly/grow-out-of-adhd-not-likely/