To feel guilty for DS's ADHD

[cherrypickers]

My 7yo DS has just been diagnosed with adhd after two difficult years at school and even though I knew this was coming I still feel awful about it. I feel like I must have done something wrong while I was pregnant or that it's my fault in some other way that he has to deal with this for his whole life. I desperately wish for him that he could fit in at school but he can't. Anyone else been in this position and how did you manage?

Please don’t feel guilty. I’m 99% sure I’m undiagnosed ADHD (it was ‘picked up’ a few months before leaving school but by that time I shrugged it off as too late to do anything, I’m in 30s now).

Neither of my parents have it, mum was 24 when I was born, very straightforward birth and I was EBF. It’s just one of those things. I’m 50:50 as to whether DD has it, just keeping an eye on her but not going to panic at the moment as there’s a few traits but nothing overwhelming.

Anyway, the only way it’s affected my life is organisation and revision skills - had I had a bit more input with those things, I don’t think it would really have had an impact. Now you know you can help your child 😊

Just to add the rest of my family is extremely NT, out of 20 odd relatives around my age (late teens to mid 30s) all are NT bar me. So it seems very random in my case.

My own birth was normal- I have ADHD.

My son (adopted) was premature- he has ADHD.

We’re both awesome people 😃.

We just needed to find strategies to cope with the boxes that NT people find easy to fit in, and do lots of other stuff that makes us calm and happy.

I don’t think there’s anything in either of our births that caused the ADHD. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with either of us, we’re just slightly differently wired to some other people.

He needs you championing him, not blaming yourself. People with ADHD sometimes feel like nobody understands, and that they’re weird.

Find out what soothes him- movement, brown noise (not constant screens!), and help him work with it.

Good luck.

My dd (14) is diagnosed adhd. She is wonderful. Super smart, slightly quirky, a loyal friend (with lots of good friends). She can achieve phenomenal things when she hyper focuses and her bedroom either looks like a page from instagram or a crime scene.

She struggled a bit at 7 particularly with friendships and school grades can (even now) be a bit variable but overall she is fantastic and i couldn't be prouder of her. We have gone down the route of medication for school to enable her to focus for long enough to achieve her academic potential (which is very high - her iq is in the very top percentile when scored by the ed psych) but i think i prefer her unmedicated slightly scatty personality!

Don't blame yourself. My dh clearly has it too but its not a blame thing. Focus on what you can do to make your childs life easier and make sure you celebrate their achievements.

This thread is helping me as well, so thank you everyone. I too am crippled with guilt. I had crippling, heart-stopping anxiety and depression while pregnant and also an infection. Both are linked to autism.

I'm trying to focus on his positives and find his superpowers, but I'm scared tbh

Thank you so much everyone. It's really helpful to hear your stories and positive comments, as well as reassurance. DS really is wonderful. And I will keep my mind on that and hope he can learn well enough at school to reach his potential

I think it's normal to look for reasons and explanations, and to feel guilt.

We're waiting for DS to be assessed, but we're sure he's autistic - DSis who has worked with children with autism is convinced and the school has said - off the record - that he almost certainly is.

Apart from the genetic side, I've read that severe pregnancy sickness increases the risk, as does pre-eclampsia and being induced. I had all three. And I've been angry and blamed myself. Blamed my GP for not taking the sickness seriously, and the midwives for not listening to me. But ultimately I had no control over how sick I was or the preheclampsia, and refusing the induction would have risked both our lives. It wasn't my fault.

It's not your fault either.

This really makes sense. I was thinking last night how I improved hugely in my late 20s.
Whats humiliating is that I found I was so shit at adulting. At school I would be the only one not to realise there was homework. I got into trouble over a loan in my 20s because I just didn’t think about having to pay it back. I acted a lot younger than my years which was embarrassing

My middle child is on the assessment pathway and I only knew about having adhd as an adult and recognised the symptoms in her. So much is genetics. I wouldn’t change a thing about her but I am ready to advocate for her and make sure she understands how to manage as I didn’t have that. Adhd isn’t all bad. I’m not being unrealistic it’s not all easy either but honestly I wouldn’t change anything about my child and it’s made me have a more accepting attitude towards myself.