To feel guilty for DS's ADHD

[cherrypickers]

My 7yo DS has just been diagnosed with adhd after two difficult years at school and even though I knew this was coming I still feel awful about it. I feel like I must have done something wrong while I was pregnant or that it's my fault in some other way that he has to deal with this for his whole life. I desperately wish for him that he could fit in at school but he can't. Anyone else been in this position and how did you manage?

@Willyoujustbequiet no this is not true.

I disagree

Both dc are diagnosed and both consultants told me this at their formulation appointments. One is leading in the field.

Aside from that a cursory Google of reputable sources shows it's true.

I’m waiting for assessment. In common with a lot of people who feel they may have it, I’ve often been heavily critical of myself for “being crap” at things others find easy.

As a pp has said, do focus on the positive traits. I have really had to learn a hard lesson-to love myself and treat myself kindly despite my obvious “flaws”. And I genuinely do!

Also, I often ponder that our society is designed in a certain way. For NT people. If we were still swinging from trees I guarantee I wouldn’t have spent my life being criticised for being “weird” and “rubbish” at certain things because those things simply wouldn’t exist

ASD yes. ADHD no not necessarily.

As I've just mentioned, dc have the diagnosis and different consultants have told me that people can and do grow out of it. One is particularly eminent and recognised in the field as a leading expert.

It's easily researched.

Please google infant reflexes not going dormant some of the treatment for this (like brushing) helps symptoms.
its hereditary and has its perks. A number of top athletes have adhd - we also are known for our ability to solve problems due to our hyperactive minds.
work out his adhd bonuses (google hyper focus) to see the good side of adhd.

Would you mind sharing those sources with us? Googling it again has come up with a harvard health link (reputable(?) but from 2017, so 5 years old), the chadd article I already linked that debates this, and then a number of verywellmind/healthline/webmd links.

Is it possible to share the name of the consultant who is leading in the field? I'm interested in doing more reading generally as I was diagnosed with ADHD in my adulthood and it's therefore a topic of personal interest to me. Thank you.

I have recently been diagnosed with adhd and it's really not all bad op. Many people with adhd have very high iqs, we are great in high intensity situations and thinking quickly and creatively as we've often thoughts through 50000 scenarios in advance.

I wish I had known sooner so I didn't try to force myself into careers that are ill suited and the knock of self confidence there but your child is young and you can help them avoid that.

There is also some evidence recently that treatment young helps neutral pathways develop in a more 'neurotypical' way and symptoms in adulthood can be reduced I believe (I heard this on a podcast, can't remember which though).

It's heavily genetic rather than anything you've done. Looking at my mother I can see she probably suffers with it too. It's nobodies fault.

This really doesn't mean life will be bad for them op at all. Honestly. Try and relax.

@Reinga do you mind if I ask what your own issues were that made you seek diagnosis? I completely understand if you don't want to discuss it on here. Thanks FDM

No.... no they really don't 'grow out' of ADHD

Definitely not your fault! I do understand what you are feeling though as we are in the same boat, daughter is 6 and still waiting for an assessment. I often wonder if it was my sugar addiction during pregnancy, my thyroid medication or traumatic 33 hour labour(forceps) that caused it! I would drive myself crazy trying to find answers though and put my energy into making sure the teachers at school help her where needed and pushing for the assessment(been waiting since December 2021 for appointment)

@Willyoujustbequiet how do you grow out of neurodiversity? I have dyspraxia and very much still have it as an adult. Interested to hear the science/theory .

@Willyoujustbequiet please can you share the research and who the consultant is? I'm very interested. If its true, which I doubt, then great il work on curing myself and my dc.

I didn't say that I said ADHD. Just google it, there are countless articles.

To everyone stating that people don't grow out of ADHD, some sort of do. ADHD is an executive function developmental delay. the frontal lobe develops later but does still develop. So for some people who struggle mostly with planning, organisation and completing things, once they get to full adulthood (25ish) their frontal lobe has caught up. In others it doesn't completely develop as fully as neuro typical but it develops to the point that the issues are mild enough to not be considered a 'disorder' or 'condition' anymore. These individuals are just slightly disorganised or 'more spontaneous' or have a low boredom threshold.
For individuals who struggle with high levels of hyperactivity, they may always need a higher level of neural stimulation to function and they may continue to seek out risky activities. It depends on the individual and how they develop but some people do indeed cease to have ongoing issues

OP I feel you. My DS (7) has also just been diagnosed and I can't work out where it has come from. DH and might both have the odd adhd trait but no one on either side is clearly neurodiverse and it makes me wonder if I did something wrong for this to happen to him. I totally appreciate that guilt doesn't help and that we should be fighting for our kids but needing to be strong and actually managing it 24 hours a day are two different things and I definitely have days where I want to sit down and cry and wish he could just have an easy time of it, or (selfishly) that I could just have two easy going kids who didn't fly off the handle or jump off the sofa multiple times each day.

It's been good to read this thread though with a focus on the positives. When he's good he's amazing and creative and charming...I hope he can grow up enough to overcome his weaknesses and make the most of his smart brain!

I didn't say cured. I said consultants involved in my dc diagnosis said it's a condition that many grow out of.

One gave a figure of 80%, the more prominent expert said to me 50%.

I think the Barkley study gives a figure of 50 -86% where it persists and that was higher than expected so that translates as between 14%-50% where the condition doesn't persist.

GOSH meanwhile has it as low as 5-10% where it continues into adulthood.

Conversely Sibley states only 10% grow out of it.

Harvard acknowledges on their website many do indeed grow out of it.

It's a mixed bag and you can argue about percentages but the consensus across the board is some people grow out of ADHD unlike ASD.

Readers can easily google reputable sources and see for themselves.

Thank you. That explained it more eloquently than I could.

I am ASD, my sister has ADHD, my DP has ADHD, my niece has ASD and ADHD… we are a family of odd ones 😂.

With much love… the meds are great and will really help your son to focus. ADHD is a nuisance but does seem to come with being a joyful and engaging person, high super focus periods and other up sides. It really isn’t the end of the world. My sis is a cop, my DP owns his own highly successful business, I have a very senior corporate job and who knows what my niece will be but I suspect she’ll be great at it.

OP I remember my DS being diagnosed and for me it was a two edge sword, I grieved for the life I had expected him to have that I believed at the time he'd lost but I was pleased we finally had the diagnosis to be able to better support him.

I'm not going to lie it's been hard work, school was not fun, he didn't fit in and most days were a battle..... However, he did it and I was right behind he fighting all the way- and he knew that. He always knew mum was there to support him. He passed all his GCSE's, he passed his first year at college and is intending to apply for university next year. He has a little job and a couple of mates. He can see his own qualities now, both good and not as good 🙄. He knows that having ADHD isn't a bad thing, in fact he told my youngest DD the same as he identifies that she is very like him.

My son had a traumatic birth but I put his ADHD down to genetics. My DD is awaiting assesment for ADD and I am waiting to meet the schools senco for youngest DD. I believe I also have ADHD but I think this is what makes me so good at my job and others say the same.

ADHD has bad wrap because of the media and as people have used it as an excuse to behave in ways that are not accepted within our society but times are changing, people's opinions and knowledge is changing....

It's might not be easy for you both but it's not all bad. Be kind to yourself

Its not your fault that your child has ADHD. At least you saw their was a problem and went looking to get a diagnosis. I know parents who ignore certain traits and behaviours because
they don't want to admit that their is something wrong with their child or that their child needs some extra help to manage in today's world.

Eventually something happens with the child and a diagnosis is sought and gotten.
The earlier you get help for the child the better things get for them long term.
For children with ADHD some extra support in school and in some cases ADHD medication can help a child out a lot.

Iv 3 children with sen def adhd inherited from dh

Medication for adhd had been life changing for my dc for the better

@Willyoujustbequiet @deedledeedledum what you are both describing in my opinion is people learning to cope and implement strategies to improve functioning and symptoms.
You say grow out of rather than cure but surly they are the same thing unless you actually mean they learn to mask symptoms.
I'm not an expert but id be very cautious of any stats and figures here because society is set up to see masking as evidence. I wonder if as we kearn more about it these studies will be discounted.
I can only speak for myself and my family but if you met me you would have no idea I was ND. My own parents didn't and still don't know, my friends don't know, my boss or colleagues don't know. An old friend of mine says I'm a different person entirely to the highly strung, emotional, teen I once was. So am I cured? Have i grown put of it? Definitely not. What has happened is I have matured enough to mask and turn my symptoms inward. They still affect me internally but they don't affect others. That's the difference. How can we truly measure this if people are constantly told and led to believe that they need to mask and bury themselves to fir in or to survive in society. It took me a long time to recognise that I had learnt to manage my symptoms so if someone has asked me I may have thought I was cured. Until the day I finally unravelled from the stress.

I'm sure there's an aspect of that and indeed possibly some are misdiagnosed in the first place.

But as a lay person (albeit more familiar than most due to dc), I can only go off what the consultant psychiatrists have told me and I have no reason to doubt their opinion.

The explanation of the frontal lobe maturing later makes perfect sense to me.

I have loads of fun now going through our family tree and family "lore" and stories and working which branches in our family tree got smacked with ADHD.

It has some genuinely incredible gifts and I know it's a horrible place to find yourself in at first worrying about your son, in time you will also see the blessings ADHD will gift him too.