To expect my DH to contribute?

[isitalloveryet]

Just returned from a lovely holiday - expensive activities based around the hobbies of DH and both DS, I ended up paying for a lot of expenses (£1600+) on my personal credit card. I tried to discuss this with DH who has said he can't contribute and I shouldn't expect him to pay half....

For info I work full time (always have done with no option to reduce) DH runs own business and works part time - this is his decision and he refuses to work full time hours so I can go part time, yes I earn more but I pay for other things too, kids are both well into teens so no childcare issues

AIBU expecting him to pay his way?

Assuming they're his kids then yanbu to expect him to contribute. Not half though of you don't have equal earnings.

Amazed they've got to teens without you getting this sorted though. Do you not have any joint finances? I'd be paying off my credit card from our joint account under those circumstances.

Um - I think you should have budgeted with DH before agreeing to the holiday ideally. But he should take on some of the debt as he should realise a lot of it was for his benefit

I think you should have discussed this before you went but ultimately, I wouldn't be happy at running up a credit card debt in my name to pay for activities relating to his hobby.

If he won’t pay then you need to learn that lesson. Never pay again. And don’t get him anything for Christmas - he’s had his Christmas gift already.

It was discussed and he knew what everything would cost - he just doesn't want to pay, Kids are his too

My husband and I have never said your money or my money, it’s always been our money. Whilst DH earned more than me, I inherited money. I worked part time and looked after house. I’m surprised it’s taken this long to sort out finances.

My dh and I have each our separate accounts and then we pay into a joint account each month for shared expenses etc we earn roughly the same so we contribute the same each month. What's leftover goes towards savings for holidays etc. If you're the breadwinner by a substantial amount then I wouldn't expect him to pay the same in as you but certainly a reasonable proportion based on his income. The other option is to put all your money together and see it as one big pot to budget as you both see fit.

How is this even a question!? You're married, everything is joint and your DH is a huge part of the reason for the bill.

What an arse!

TELL him he's paying half, whether he'll listen or not who knows and for future reference where he's concerned, don't put your hand in your pocket. Further, because you're now potentially liable for this debt, he can forget birthday/anniversary/Christmas gifts. These were part of his holiday!

I feel for you OP. Also tell your teens that as their Dad isn't paying his half of the debt, mostly accumulated by him and the teen, Christmas/birthday and pocket money (if you give it) will be scaled back. As well as costly treats. If you end up paying it all, DO NOT just suffer with it and carry on.

What did you do on your holiday for you?

If it was discussed what was the plan at the time?

No fucking way would I shell out £1600 without discussing if 'we' could afford it, and how much each of us would be contributing.

I can't understand why you'd keep racking up costs without having that sorted up front.

And if your teens earn, get them to contribute! You are not anyones personal bank or doormat.

My dh and I have each our separate accounts and then we pay into a joint account each month for shared expenses etc we earn roughly the same so we contribute the same each month

Yep we do this too. Our earnings aren't quite equal though so the amounts we put in are slightly different.

Of course he should pay his share. What a freeloader. Lesson learnt OP - you need to be less generous in future.

If you're married isn't your money shared? What's the practical consequence of him not helping with the credit card debt?

If he doesn’t earn as much as you I wouldn’t expect half but I would expect a contribution.

Well, now you know. Money upfront from him for activities or he can explain to the offspring why it's not happening, right?

Make a plan, with him, about who is going to pay for what from now on. And he can take over more of the household things since he works fewer hours.

If he agreed he would pay his way on the holiday and is now refusing to, that is financial abuse. I think it's also financial abuse that he has decided unilaterally to work part time and that you have to fund it. Is he abusive in other ways too?

Why is he only part time? Are there any practical benefits to this? If not and he's just lazy, I would either agree a set amount that he must contribute each month for his share of bills and expenses, or consider leaving him, if your working full time to fund him sitting at home.

Cocklodger

He’s choosing to work part time, He needs to pay for his own activities and half of your DC’s.
leave your cc at home next time.

This was my ex although not to tune of £1600. His ‘business’, also parttime was basically an excuse to be lazy and not pay his way or do his share. The resentment killed the marriage. Nothing is more unattractive than being used as someone’s personal cashpoint machine. He also had expensive hobbies - of course he did he had all that free time which should have been spent on his ‘business’. Why does he think he is entitled to only work parttime? Let me guess his business is something creative and he can’t do a boring job like the rest of us and he comes from a family that spoilt him and he’s never had to pay his way? I often wished it was possible to divorce someone financially as it became apparent early he wasn’t going to pay his way, but other things were good and I wanted a family. We ended up divorcing anyway and the extra years I stayed will cost me ££ in assets as courts don’t take into account that a partner can just be lazy. However my monthly income is higher now I don’t have to carry dh and I have control of my finances and life. Next holiday leave him at home if he can’t pay his share. I’ve had some great holidays with my teen dc as a single parent. Having a DH is optional. If it’s not a partnership and decisions aren’t being made jointly then something needs to change. I’ve spent 20 years putting myself last. I didn’t mind putting my dc first but ex never did. He is just a very selfish, entitled man. I am now funding two dc through uni - their dad hasn’t paid a penny since we separated and doesn’t help them financially at all. He still manages to find money for his hobbies though.

I shouldn't expect him to pay half....

Has he said why? I agree it should be proportional but is his reasoning that he shouldn't pay, or that he shouldn't pay half?

I don’t he owes you anything, actually.
Unless you explicitly discussed that it was going onto your card, but was a joint cost.
I don’t believe this has come from nowhere - it’s surely no surprise that he won’t pay.
You’re the higher earner and you made the choice to pay for these things.

None of which means I don’t think he’s a arsehole and don’t think you should divorce him 🤷🏻‍♀️

But if you’re going to accept a relationship where you earn more and you choose to pay for things on your credit card… I think expecting a contribution is foolishness.

I would definitely say, “that’s your Xmas present then.” But then again, I wouldn’t be buying a Xmas present for someone I was divorcing anyway.

Yeah. Me and DH keep separate finances but for holidays we have a joint card so we can keep track and split it.

Do you have a joint account that you pay into, I would let him know you will be paying less into that account and he is to make up the difference.
My DP pulls this kind of crap I once changed the internet password until he decided that he would start paying his way…. If he acts like a surly teenager he will be treated like a teenager