To expect my DH to contribute?

[isitalloveryet]

Just returned from a lovely holiday - expensive activities based around the hobbies of DH and both DS, I ended up paying for a lot of expenses (£1600+) on my personal credit card. I tried to discuss this with DH who has said he can't contribute and I shouldn't expect him to pay half....

For info I work full time (always have done with no option to reduce) DH runs own business and works part time - this is his decision and he refuses to work full time hours so I can go part time, yes I earn more but I pay for other things too, kids are both well into teens so no childcare issues

AIBU expecting him to pay his way?

@Imogensmumma “My DP pulls this kind of crap” - why are you still with him?

Good question…,we have a child so for now I want her to have both parents and I find it wayyyy too easy to outsmart him

Unless it turns out that he does all the household tasks, cooking and cleaning etc, it's hard to understand how you have got to this situation? Him earning less is not the issue. Him earning less and refusing to contribute IS the issue - whether that's finacially or practically. And if you agreed a holiday budget upfront and now he's not paying his share then wow.... well, that's not someone I'd want to be in a relationship with.

👍🏻 With the outsmarting! I divorced with children so I know it’s not always simple to leave. But I do think it’s simpler than divorcing to not put £1600 on a credit card when you know what’s coming…

The thing is if he was on a lower income due to just having lower wages or part time for childcare then fine you would pay more.
Sounds like he just cant be bothered to work more as he knows your funding him anyway
Not fair on you at all.
He needs to up his hours

This. People saying they wouldn't expect him to pay half - because he earns less! He earns less by CHOICE. And thats why OP has to earn more!

He should absolutely pay half, if not more as it was his activities that were the cost! What a selfish twat.

If he refuses, then you need to use whatever money you would otherwise be using on him to go towards paying the cc bill. He needs something? Sorry, no still paying off your holiday activities DH. He wants a meal out - sorry, still paying off your holiday activities DH.

I'd also consider a complete revamp of financials, what you both pay for and make sure its 50/50. Along with anything household related. If he doesn't earn enough on his part time hours to cover his bit, he'll have to get off his lazy arse and work more.

He sounds so lazy and entitled. I would bin him off and bring the kids up yourself. He would have to either do shared care or maintenance for the children. Does he do most household chores and cooking if he only works part time?

If he was working PT in order to be available for childcare and domestic work ok.

But with teens who don’t need childcare, and I highly suspect no domestic work being done, I’d say this is the last of his hobby holidays that you bankroll because he’s not earning sufficient to cover them.

If he wants expensive holidays he can work longer hours to pay for them.

So he's lazy, stingy and selfish. You want your kids around that full time? Yikes

Absolutely I totally agree.

If they were both working FT and his pay was less, then fair play.

However his pay is lower because he cba to work and expects his wife to bankroll his expensive hobbies.

You shouldn't be doing the activities if you can't afford them

He works less and earns less and consequently doesnt have as much money...

Why is he part time?

Unless there's a good reason, he's a cocklodger. I'd be separating finances. I wouldn't be financially supporting an adult man who couldn't be bothered to work.

Why did you put it on your credit card? Why didn't you let him put it on his?

You are unreasonable to put £1,600 on a credit card, as you clearly don’t live by your means. If there was no agreement in place for him to pay half after the trip then YABU. You both need to work full-time and contribute according to your wages.

Next time just take yourself on holiday. Unfortunately he can't 'afford' one, can he? Unless you're going to drip-feed that he does all the cooking and housework at home so you can concentrate on your job?

He doesn't earn enough because he has chosen to work part time and has disallowed OP from doing the same. Not because he is bringing up the kids but because he just doesn't want to work full time.

Ok just to clarify we don't live above our means - I can afford to pay the bill and so can he. I was quite shocked that some comments automatically assumed this.

Some holidays I do pay for and I am clear that I will cover the cost as it's a holiday I want to do before the kids leave home (Florida etc) but I was clear for this holiday it was his preference and based around his (and the kids) interests

He makes me feel I am unreasonable to expect him to contribute to family holidays - basically expects me to pay for most things including household stuff too (and school uniforms etc)

I feel he should work full time - I always have and he has no reason not to other than he likes pt and can choose his own hours/jobs as he's self employed

Thanks for the support and comments

Tell him he should cover his own, his kids and your costs as it's 'his' type of holiday not yours.

He can expect what he wants, doesn't mean he gets it.

What's key is you stand your ground, no more "he makes me feel unreasonable".

Easier said than done, but trusting your own judgement is your only chance of being treated fairly.

There is nothing to suggest this is beyond OPs means. Much easier to put everything on one credit card and pay it off when you get the bill.

I appreciate £1600 on a Credit Card can be a huge amount to some but for others it can easily be paid off immediately.

The point is the DH has not paid anything.

OP next time book a holiday that focuses on your hobbies etc. laying in the sun reading counts. Do not pay for his hobbies.

He sounds like a freeloader.

What a bad example to be setting for your kids

If you intend to stay with him, you now know you don't pay a penny for any of his hobbies or his holidays. If he wants to do them he pays and he pays up front.

If he doesn't want to contribute half he doesn't get to participate.

This. The next time he wants a holiday with the DC based around his hobbies, he can take them himself. Say you won't be going. Then you don't have to be involved in organising/booking/paying etc. You'll have some free time alone at home and can take the DC away where you want to go when it suits you and leave him behind. If he wants to go with you he'll have to sort his own ticket out.

I'd also get a hobby of some sort that involves you not being around so much, but able to text him and tell him what time you'll be back and expecting your dinner ready (since he has so much free time). Remember to say "but you're just a part-timer..." and look down your nose at him at the same time.

I'd also be telling him that your workplace have been going on about mental health and wellbeing and you are applying to go PT as you need some time for your new hobby (make something up here). He can up his hours if the fall in income is bothering him.

Learn your lesson and dont facilitate anybody who chooses to work part-time/self-employed because they know they've got the fallback partner who will work full-time to cover the bills and lifestyle said hobby-job person wants.

Self-employed = you have to put in the graft to get a decent income. If unable to do that/it doesnt pay enough then anyone with integrity would get part-time/agency/casual work alongside, to boost income. Many have had to do that. Especially when raising a family.

He makes me feel I am unreasonable to expect him to contribute to family holidays - basically expects me to pay for most things including household stuff too (and school uniforms etc)

He's a user and you're displaying a bad relationship model example for your children. If you left him he'd no doubt claim all he could from you anyway. So you may as well just focus on you and DCs, don't fund him for anything. Stand your ground or be forever broke whilst hobby-man drains you.

He earns less as he chooses to work part time!

Lazy, sponging twat.