To need closure on ghosting friend

[darkbluenails]

During the pandemic my good friend of 10 years got more and more distant. I messaged about going for walks, checking in, pub visit if she felt up to it. She never replied. Wondered if I was paranoid then around this time last year I asked what was going on? She said nothing, everything totally fine and she just hadn't seen any of my messages. I wasn't sure as could see she'd read them but said OK and we chatted a little bit. Then a month later she deleted me from Facebook.

Nearly a year on and it still really hurts. She won't talk to me or tell me why she's done this. I drove past her yesterday and waved, she definitely saw me but totally blanked me. We had a 3rd friend who is now definitely starting to ignore me over the last year and won't let her son play with mine, she's refusing to meet with me to discuss and I feel friend A has poisoned her towards me. I know they still meet up regularly.

I have this in my head all the time, if I see her it brings it all up again and stresses me out. I overthinking hugely and worry about it all the time. After the way she's treated me I don't want her friendship back but I need closure of some sort. I don't know how to move on and stop thinking about it. She was a really good friend and to just be cut out has been so painful.

So would I, or send the message above

She's unfriended me, not blocked me though, yet. I last sent her a message in December and before that every few weeks asking if she was ok, if she wanted to meet up etc during the pandemic. Definitely wasn't harrassing her or being a nuisance. I don't even want the friendship now, just want to know the reason. But as others have said I'll probably never know and will just have to learn to live with it. It's just always bugging me and always thinking about it, even wake up with it in my head. As she lives less than a mile from me I'm likely to run into her again and that just brings it all up. If I didn't have to see her it might not be so sad.

The unfriending and actively ignoring f2f are very decisive and deliberate, I can understand a slow fade in extreme situations but as others have said this speaks of someone scorned rather than a gradual but deliberated fade.

I'm ghosting someone at the moment and it is cowardly I admit, the things above are not though they're very obvious.

I think you need to take a really close look. I have gotten to the end of my tether with a particular friend, I didn't want any drama just not for her to figure so much in my life and therefore have the power to upset me. She has though become unusually persistent and not wanting to a) have a big to-do b) get back into being friends c) pretend everything was fine I ghosted her, I feel terrible as it goes against a lot of my values, but I've had so much going on I don't have the capacity mental or physical for the ensuing volcano, we are part of a larger group and have been for nearly 20 yrs and whilst we are spread all over the globe and rarely see each other together regardless of a pandemic, we are essentially still friends. So here ghosting.

What has she done, well she's always had a chip on her shoulder, v jelous.not much has changed despite fantastic career, house kids and marriage. But she was awful to me for yrs, sly digs and passive-aggressive, but confirmed to me by another friend in the circle who got so sick of her and told me, she then took a step back herself for a while. This was a long time ago and whilst she's better at concealing now it's still there. She's incredibly judgemental, of us all really her thing is with me about having periods of being a SAHM, I just dont have the kind of role where I can have a small child and work and my DH doesn't have the role where he is able to support me to do to. It is what it is. She hates this and having just handed in my notice at the beginning of the year her disdain was obvious.

She also blows v hot and cold with me - so it's a bit rich that she's accusing me of ghosting. She'll not return messages for wks/months on end, she'll hold events and not invite me (she didn't invite me to the babyshower for her first, as she wanted to keep it 'tight and local' managed to invite the other two friends from the group who are in the UK and her SIL who lives 100 miles away tho.

She'll visit one of the other friends from the group who I used to live within 50 mins off (friend's DP's family lives nearby) but won't invite me, leading other friend to feel very awkward, apparently, she'll literally txt other friend a few hours before saying I'm in town and coming round, whenever other friend has suggested inviting me she says oh it's very short notice, let's just keep it small etc. I'll often just find out via social media and other friend will awkwardley txt to explain. I then spend hours trying to analyse what I've done wrong and why she doesn't want me to be invited, tying myself in knots.

I don't live there now but was visiting just before Xmas and sent her a message saying might be a long shot but if you're in XX town I'm home this week and would love to see you, heard 0 back then see a social media post of her out with her SIL and her friends then out with another mutual friend the day after, so she was in town and staying in town. Got a message back 5 days after my initial one saying "yeah I was over but back now. How are you, looking forward to Xmas?" I spent the following two weeks when I should have been getting excited for Xmas with my DCs feeling low and snapping at them because I was constantly worrying about what I'd done to upset when the answer was nothing, nothing at all, I don't know why she does it, perhaps punishing me for the reasons why she is jealous, I have no idea. Then when I got the message re work after Xmas, I was like no, nah. I don't want to continue with this. I've had several messages since asking me what she's done and why I am ghosting her. So she clearly does not know. So to that end, I think you really need to analyse and definitely seek a third party opinion.

Hmmmm. I've been a ghoster and a ghostee.

Firstly, it's not a new thing, people have been deciding to avoid other people rather than have a confrontation since caveman times. However, with today's tech, when you can 'block' and ignore, and see who's still socialising with who on FB ect. - well - i guess it's all a bit more in your face.

I think the bigger prob. in OP's case is that the ghoster seems to be dragging others along with her.

I would approach one of them while you still can and ask directly if they can shed any light.

Sorry this happend to you OP. Your friend doesnt' sound like a very nice person. My only advice to you is to try move on. You will get nothing out of your friend, or speculating over what happened, except making yourself hurt move.

The fact she’s going out of her way to ignore you face to face and unfriending you from Facebook, seems more like she’s upset about something. ‘Scorned’ as a PP said

I wonder if maybe someone else has said something? Someone causing trouble and being malicious?

Even if that was the case, if she valued your friendship at all, she’d ask you herself and not just rely on the word of another person - at least that is what I would do!

I personally have never ghosted anyone. I’ve always been of the attitude that I will tell a person if I no longer wish to spend time with them and why. I wouldn’t like it done to me, therefore wouldn’t do it to someone else. No matter how pissed I am at them (in fact the more pissed I am the more likely I am to tell them everything I’m feeling!).

I think you’re just going to have to accept that you may never know the answer. As others have suggested it may be worth reaching out to the other friends to see if you can get any answers? But if you can’t I wouldn’t push anymore than this. You’ve asked your friend outright if there’s an issue. If you ask your other friends and they won’t answer, then you’ve done all you can do.

It’s super tough because it does eat you up trying to understand what you could’ve done. But I think you just have to try your best to move on 💐

Thanks everyone who commented. It's been a while and still sad about this. I saw her yesterday and she smirked and turned the other way. I don't want to be friends, would just like an answer. It's really sad.

She wasn't much of a friend to you. She's behaved very badly and has hurt you. I don't know why some people do that, but it happened to me, too - and now the "friend" has been in touch, after no word at all for a YEAR, wants to meet for coffee. Sod her. I've now blocked her on everything and deleted all trace of her. You ought to do the same. She doesn't deserve any of your thought.

She smirked . That's your answer I'm afraid. Not worth bothering about , not the person you imagined her to be ?

Look after yourself for a change 💐

I can understand why you’re sad. It’s sad thing, I think most people would feel exactly the same.

Did you have counselling in the end?

I think you need to let yourself feel sad and be really kind to yourself. I know that sounds strange!

Another thing to think about is control, this is out of your control. There is literally nothing you can do. I know that sounds harsh but sometimes peace can be found in that.

Lastly disinterest is closure, you don’t need anything else other than the disinterest and disrespect she has shown you. Take that as your closure and don’t waste another second of this life that is so fleeting on people that don’t deserve it 💐

Sometimes my sweet we have to accept we are not going to get an answer and give ourselves the closure we need by moving on. That's the one thing you do still have power over her with. Are there no mutual friends at all left who still do speak to you? What do they make of it? It's possible you placed too much importance on this particular friend and she might never have been the friend you thought she was. I had a friend I stopped talking to ten years ago because she breached my trust. It still hurts because I miss her and wish she hadn't been so silly. I often think about her and wish we could talk but I know realistically I can't let her back in my life because I wasn't able to trust her. There were good times that I look back on fondly but there were also parts of the friendship that were not positives and I know I am better of without. I don't know what I would do if I saw her now.

OP, I think something must've happened that made her very upset. She's unfriended you on FB, etc, such stuff doesn't happen without a reason. I'm not saying that you did anything wrong though! Maybe there was a misunderstanding, etc.
What I'm trying to say is that something upset her and it would be best to ask her outright what it was.
It's probably been too long for the friendship to be recovered but you might get some closure.
When you say she had problems and you were helping her, maybe it's anything to do with that? Were they conception problems?

You will probably have to get a bit shirty to provoke her in to giving the truth. 'is there any particular reason you've decided to ghost me after all our years of friendship or are you just a massive bitch?'

Does anyone do that, in real life?! I can't see how that could possibly be a helpful way to approach this

Similar happening to me right now, been trying to meet up and just getting knocked back (gently).
It is hurtful, especially after 7 years of friendship. I am completely aware of my shortcomings as a person and as a friend and so mainly I blame myself for the way it has 'ended'.
The only way I have taken back a little control in the situation is by deleting her number and conversations so I can't mull over past messages but I can also no longer ask if she wants to meet up (again). The ball is in her court.

It's a shame but there will always be other friends out there and possibly better friends too.

Op so hurtful and no reason why. I have been ghosted by few people. Not sure did friendships run their course but yeh not nice.

Some people are just very self centred and cruel.

I think that you have had the closure already from the disrespect she has shown to you by ghosting you.
It's maybe the grief that you are still experiencing now. When I have lost friends I have found it very painful and it has taken me a long long time for the pain to go. I've had counselling about it and for me what helps the most is to find new friendships. Your friend walking away has created space in your life for new friendships. Go find them. Be kind to yourself.
Also if you have any previous abandonment issues from childhood (as I do) this may be particularly painful for you.