To need closure on ghosting friend

[darkbluenails]

During the pandemic my good friend of 10 years got more and more distant. I messaged about going for walks, checking in, pub visit if she felt up to it. She never replied. Wondered if I was paranoid then around this time last year I asked what was going on? She said nothing, everything totally fine and she just hadn't seen any of my messages. I wasn't sure as could see she'd read them but said OK and we chatted a little bit. Then a month later she deleted me from Facebook.

Nearly a year on and it still really hurts. She won't talk to me or tell me why she's done this. I drove past her yesterday and waved, she definitely saw me but totally blanked me. We had a 3rd friend who is now definitely starting to ignore me over the last year and won't let her son play with mine, she's refusing to meet with me to discuss and I feel friend A has poisoned her towards me. I know they still meet up regularly.

I have this in my head all the time, if I see her it brings it all up again and stresses me out. I overthinking hugely and worry about it all the time. After the way she's treated me I don't want her friendship back but I need closure of some sort. I don't know how to move on and stop thinking about it. She was a really good friend and to just be cut out has been so painful.

It does sound quite Sidney. Could there have been anything you said or did during the pandemic that she felt you could have overstepped the mark? Did you project your feelings too much, we’re you always wanting to meet, have any views that are completely outside the “normal” range of opinions etc xxx

Same thing happened to me OP.

I grew up with a girl who I was pretty close with. She never quite made "bff" status, but she was always, like, top 3 to top 5.

We hit 21/22, went out to the pub together one summers evening, then I never heard from her again. I saw her once, by chance, about 8 years later. She made a big song and dance about seeing me. We hugged, exchanged pleasantries, and that was really it.

It's nearly 20 years on now, and it still bugs me!

Sorry have had a wine not sure what Sidney was an autocorrect for💕

Ive deliberately “drifted away” from a friend. She’s in the same group of friends, but we began spending more time together as just the two of us as we both had babies at a similar time. I found myself frequently uncomfortable with her behaviour, values, etc but tried not to argue about it. She’d make little digs and insinuations in some weird social competition, and yet constantly fall into a “poor, hard-done- by me” demeanour - if Person A had had a bad week at work, then she’d have had a much worse one. I think she probably meant it as empathetic but I found it unbelievably irritating. She was also super-unreliable. She wasn’t a terrible person, she meant well, and there was no big fall out.
But I started to realise that seeing her was a chore. We still socialise as a group, and I’d never try and push her out, but I try to avoid spending extended time with her alone. She’s never asked or commented. Maybe she feels the same way about me, maybe she hasn’t particularly noticed as we’re all busier now.

The thing about ghosting is that it renders you powerless. The decision to end the friendship has been unilateral, and there's no ability to ask why, or whether there's anything you can do to make things better. That feeling of helplessness is really terrible - like a sudden bereavement.

I think that getting in touch to ask why will only highlight this powerlessness, if you don't get the answers you're looking for (or any answer at all). There's a risk you'll end up feeling much worse. Speaking from sad experience.

Some really nice advice from PPs about moving forwards. Hope you're ok xx

This is very similar to my experience.

Someone up thread said people who do this tend to do it to others aswell. I don't agree with that.

Iv had friendships come and go which I would say is normal. I have also had to ghost someone once because I had no choice.

She was loud, domineering, controlling and very opinonated. When I tried to stand my ground in one particular situation she went absolutely crazy at me and swung from being crazy to upset and back again over the space of a few hours. I told her how I felt and how she had been making me feel over the past few years and we left it at that and I seen it as finally the end of that 'friendship'. Nope, she appeared 2 days later like nothing happened. Because she was so confrontational I felt unable to tell her how I felt (again) so I started to make myself unavailable, was short in my messages, didn't answer calls and eventually she disappeared out of my life. This 'frienship' however, made a really bad time in my life even worse and I was glad to no longer have her in my life.

That's the first time I have ever had to do that to anyone.

OP, I am in no way saying that my experience is your experience or how your friend felt. I am giving the perspective of a person who has ghosted. I don't think you will ever get answers. I understand it must hurt. I think its best to just see this as friendships come and go and there was something just not working within the friendship. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Op its hurtful. My friendship fizzled after years. Just different life stages. Felt was always chasing her. She be vague re dates. I thought do I want all this effort!! So I didnt chase nor did she..... I feel people outgrow each other

I've had friends like this. You can try and ask but you may not get a definitive answer. It could be that she's busy and doesn't have time for the friendship or that she's struggling herself and has limited her contacts. She may have out grown the friendship or she may be flighty when it comes to friends. Try not to take it personally it says more about her than you.

I'm in this situation with my bf of almost 40 years. We went through school and everything but she decided to keep having a go at me about Covid and lockdowns and telling me all these conspiracy theories. I could've dealt with that and I worry about her but she started being a complete bitch to me and was a nightmare over my wedding. She caused me a lot of stress and as heartbreaking as it's been I've had to let her go.

I keep thinking what have I do to deserve it. I really don't understand why she's thrown it away but she has and it's better for my mental health to stop chasing her

I think that's very good advice x

Don't give her another thought she isn't worrying
Plenty of people around just try and make more friends.

Today I had a long chat with a work contact I've not seen in ages. She confided in me that she has a lot of people vanish over lockdown, and says she tried to get in touch and found a lot of people saying they just don't want to go out or even go to someone's house. Just thought I'd share that as there seems to be so much of it around.

she is like me - we normally like to have a big boundary between work and personal life. But she asked if I'd like to go for a drink next week and I said yes.

I'm sorry OP. She's a bitch! An absolute bitch! You have given her the option to speak about matter already and she hasn't responded. I doubt u will get anywhere even if you asked. You do deserve answers. Maybe speak to the other friend and play her at her own game.

Lots of people have described similar situations and even very old friendships not surviving. Such a shame.

I did the opposite recently and told someone exactly why I no longer wanted to be friends with them. I posted on here about it and a few people told me I should have just ghosted her as telling her was dramatic and it would be awkward seeing her at the school gates now.

I was surprised but it explains why it happens. People don’t want to confront people they have to see again. They don’t want to say unkind things and don’t want the drama. People generally don’t just accept they are in the wrong even when you tell them.

Thank you all so so much for the comments and advice. It's really sad to see how many have been in my place. I hadn't been overbearing and I'm not negative, if anything she'd be through a lot of problems and I'd been supporting her. People say move on, I'm trying but I'm still so sad about it I don't know how to. A couple of ppl said they'd been to counseling and def going to look into this.

I saw her coming towards me yesterday and she literally turned round in the street and walked the opposite way so she didn't have to walk past me. Her little group (also my friends) have def changed their attitudes towards me too. It was my birthday recently and not one of that group wished me hb. It's making me feel sick and I'm just so paranoid about what on earth she's told them I've done?

I'd definitely text the others members of the group before it's too late.

Just say " x has been avoiding me without explanation for weeks now, I have no idea why her attitude towards me as changed but it's really upsetting. Just wanted to reach out and say hi and that I value your friendship, if there is anything we need to talk about or misunderstandings to resolve then please let's do it asap so i don't lose you too. Coffee on weds?! "

@bumpytrumpy suggests something wise.
Contact other friends and leave the Ghoster out of it.

Even if it's just for your own peace of mind.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
It's happened to me and I've had to just make assumptions about it.

Deleting you from FB and actively avoiding you seems excessive, especially without having fallen out. I appreciate the slow fade but this feels off - could there have been a misunderstanding?. I'd find it deeply upsetting and need to know. Could you email her/text her and ask?

Horrible feeling for you and a very shitty way to be treated.

I find it interesting that from one post from the OP, Some people are saying that they've done nothing wrong, and sound 'lovely '.

It just goes to show how much we are prepared to believe the first version we here of a story.

My first thoughts are that there is 'something ' ..maybe a comment of p.o.v. expressed by the OP that they can't remember, but has hit a nerve with the ghosting friends.

Blocking on FB is quite an extreme move..you can snooze people permanently without blocking. Perhaps the OP is or has been making a nuisance of themselves via FB?

This situation, the turning and walking in another direction sounds like there IS a reason for the ghosting tbh ?

Shame the friend won't say though, it would result in closure.

I’m sorry OP, you’ve been treated terribly.
given the fact she seems to be turning your other friends against you, I would contact one of them and ask. Not in a “take sides” kind of way, but just for yourself (and to see if she’s telling lies about you!)

This.

m I have had lots of trauma counselling as I’m anxious about friendships. When I looked at my friends around me I thought I had great friends. My lovely friend G who came round for coffee and I helped her son through mentoring. He r bloody dog was best friends with mine. When I didn’t see nor hear from her throughout the entire lockdown I thought it was me being ECV and therefore effectively until house arrest.
My friend V came and stayed the year before rent and bill free for 7 months with her two children as her and her husband split up and he trashed the house. I continued to pick her son up from prep along with mine but then lockdown happened and silence she was a GP but I couldn’t even see her apparently when lockdown was eased as she was too busy.

I went through a trauma after and house my house and moved and was quiet on SM. I explained why. I phoned G and she didn’t answer. She then told me she wasn’t ready to speak to me. I tried apologising I really did for selling my house and moving away and she wouldn’t speak to me. She then sent me a message saying that I begged to know why and she had been told I had said something horrible about her to a mutual friend and wouldn’t tell me who or what I was allegedly to have said telling me to wait until
she was ready. I left it for 4 weeks and asking if she was ready yet and I got a rant about I was a dangerous person and that someone had told her I was mean about her. I denied it as I was innocent. She refused to tell me. Then 4 weeks after that admitted someone had told someone that had told someone that I had said to be wary of her husband - wtf? I even paid her mortgage for a while.

mother friend V went I returned to my home village for a week she refused to meet me but graciously allowed her child to meet mine in a park for an hour but not the younger one who was best friends with mine for 5 years.

they are not really not nice people. They are users and it was purely transactional - I no longer can have their children over on a whim for a weekend or pay their mortgage as I live 300 miles away in a 3 bed house instead of a huge 7 bed house with huge garden

I know it's not nice but you could torture yourself over this forever and never get the closure you need. I think it's time to give yourself closure by saying fuck the pair of them and moving on. Clearly they were not the friends you thought they were. Even if they were to tell you why they backed off it won't make any difference to the situation or make you feel any better so I think you need to give yourself that closure now. It's never nice being ghosted but sometimes it does unfortunately happen. You've invested enough energy in this now. Focus on other people who do want you in their lives.

I've ended a 10 year friendship myself in the past because they moved miles away which meant we didn't see each other frequently, I then found out they were visiting my area every weekend and didn't tell me. That told me all I needed to know so I just let it fizzle out, after 10 years of me doing all the phoning and making all the effort they didn't stay in touch. Ironically they used to get upset if I didn't call them but they never called me, It was always me making all the effort to maintain the friendship. The lesson I learned is sometimes you can try too hard to keep something that wasn't really there anyway. I've never regretted walking away either. I've never been the one making all the effort again either.

Maybe yours wasn't a friendship build on concrete foundations either.

I’ve had something similar OP, with a school mum friend who sort of dumped me for another group of mums. I never really knew why, as our DDs were still good friends and I thought we were. It was hard because she didn’t completely dump me, she would occasionally be lovely to me still. Anyhow, after a while I realised how often she upset me by ignoring me so I began to avoid her at school. It is particularly hard when the person is someone you still see often, as you’re finding. As I ignored her more, she would start to approach more, and I always tried to respond positively. Of course, it was a cycle for her.

In the end, I’ve had to try to reprogram my own thoughts, so if I start to think about her and the upset and confusion she caused, I’d deliberately make myself think about something else and acknowledge to myself that she wasn’t the friend I thought she was. Luckily, I’ve had a couple of years without her at school so that’s helped enormously.

Like others have said, I look back and think she saw the relationship as more transactional (she would always be in touch if something happened at school that she perhaps wanted me to weigh in on) and she was perhaps quite manipulative. On her side, she had many health issues over those years and was, of course, allowed to choose her own friends. I will always feel rejected by her, though I hope I’ve learned some ways to distance myself. My dd has just started a new school where her younger dd is so it’s possible I’ll bump into her in the future at this new school and I’m honestly not looking forward to it.

in terms of your situation, if you feel she’s influencing others then my guess is that this isn’t the first time she’s done this. You would know if you’d done something wrong on that level I’m sure. When you dwell on it, try to think of the situation in a different way as PPs have suggested, and ignore her as much as possible.