To need closure on ghosting friend

[darkbluenails]

During the pandemic my good friend of 10 years got more and more distant. I messaged about going for walks, checking in, pub visit if she felt up to it. She never replied. Wondered if I was paranoid then around this time last year I asked what was going on? She said nothing, everything totally fine and she just hadn't seen any of my messages. I wasn't sure as could see she'd read them but said OK and we chatted a little bit. Then a month later she deleted me from Facebook.

Nearly a year on and it still really hurts. She won't talk to me or tell me why she's done this. I drove past her yesterday and waved, she definitely saw me but totally blanked me. We had a 3rd friend who is now definitely starting to ignore me over the last year and won't let her son play with mine, she's refusing to meet with me to discuss and I feel friend A has poisoned her towards me. I know they still meet up regularly.

I have this in my head all the time, if I see her it brings it all up again and stresses me out. I overthinking hugely and worry about it all the time. After the way she's treated me I don't want her friendship back but I need closure of some sort. I don't know how to move on and stop thinking about it. She was a really good friend and to just be cut out has been so painful.

Similar happened to me. She was my best friend for 6 years, godmother to my child and like a sister to me. Then something happened at work which I only found out about after 3 months of silence. She blames me for what happened and for slagging her off when I absolutely did not. She just ghosted me over night and refused to talk. It was absolute hell and the anxiety and stress was awful. I’ll never forgive her for it. When she did eventually tell me, she twisted my words and ended the friendship instantly. I didn’t have the strength to try and fight for the friendship so I left it. I ended up in therapy over it and now have depression and anxiety over it. I miss her so much but what happened to her wasn’t my fault, but what she did to me was her* *fault.

PS I didnt have an argument with my ex-friend as there was no point - she has never and could never admit fault and was cowardly in the extreme with how she handled the issue that resulted in the end of our friendship. You sound so different. I wonder has she actually done something to you and now wants to avoid you because of it!

never admit fault and was cowardly

This is how it was for me, too. Also, someone upthread mentioned it being like a bereavement. My therapist said it was exactly this and I was grieving which is why it shook me so hard.

I'm sorry OP, that sounds really cowardly and cruel to pretend that there was nothing wrong and then block you without a word.

Unfortunately you're not going to get any closure on this from her, she has chosen not to share why she treated you that way. It's about her more than it's about you. I wouldn't try and contact her or wave at her when you see her, it's clearly unwelcome. She's not who you thought she was and the best thing you can do is try and let it go and focus on other things.

I understand why people say that ghosting is 'cruel' and that people 'deserve closure' - of course it hurts if you're on the receiving end. But also, I've ended or at least really dialled back on certain friendships for no other reason than I had just started to find the other person really fucking irritating, and I don't think it would actually help them in any way at all if I explained that to them. I haven't 'ghosted' but I have just gradually become increasingly distant and declined offers to meet etc.

You probably haven't done anything wrong. I think your friend was obviously trying to tell you something by not replying to your messages, and felt awkward when you apparently didn't take the hint. Maybe she felt a bit suffocated by your persistence or maybe if you didn't take the hint when she didn't reply to messages she had clearly read, there might be other hints over the years that you haven't taken and perhaps that's a problem for her? Is there any chance, do you think, that you might be someone who doesn't always pick up on nuance or struggles with tact? Not saying you are! But just wondering if that might be part of the issue.

But in all likelihood, you just started to grate on her a bit (through absolutely no fault of your own) and she didn't know how to explain that. I do completely understand why you're hurt and why you're finding it difficult to let this go, but I think you just need to accept that your friend is entitled to set her own boundaries when it comes to contact with you and that your 'closure' might be something she would find very difficult or even distressing to provide.

OP this happened to me too! Even same timing!

Some people are just wankers 🤷‍♀️

I've had friends who I've just drifted away from, we just were at different stages in life and as we got older it just got more and more pronounced and now we don't really ever speak. There was no animosity or bad feelings just a gradual moving on. So maybe that's what's happened here? If you can look back on your contributions to the friendship and say you were a good and reliable friend who didn't lean too heavily on the other person then you know its not actually anything you've said or done. I'd focus on moving forwards and meeting new people and investing in other friendships. You friend is entitled to choose how they spend their time and who with, as are we all, and while ghosting isn't great its the choice she's made so I'd respect that and move on. If she really had an issue and valued the friendship then she'd have come to you, explained what was bothering her and given you a chance to fix it.

10HailMarys "But also, I've ended or at least really dialled back on certain friendships for no other reason than I had just started to find the other person really fucking irritating, and I don't think it would actually help them in any way at all if I explained that to them. I haven't 'ghosted' but I have just gradually become increasingly distant and declined offers to meet etc."

yes, that's another reason I wouldn't ask or want to know. They might have just had a change of heart, as the song says.

Ghosting works in different ways:

1. The person doing the ghosting has got to the end of their tether (for whatever reason) with the person they are going to ghost. They decide that they need to get away from the person because that person is causing stress, upset, whatever.

or

2. The person doing the ghosting is someone who takes offence at everything or is jealous/insecure - innocuous comments are blown out of proportion and seen as offensive. Drama is created out of nothing.

I've known both. I did ghost someone about 10 years ago as she was awful - invaded every moment of my life like a stalker, stole stuff from me, asked me to look after her kids for a couple of hours and then did an all day runner type thing. I have also been ghosted about a year ago. The person who ghosted me was someone I knew through my dh and most of the time we saw her, she would talk about persons A, B, C, D...... all of whom had offended her and how she ghosted them. I knew a couple of them, they were just ordinary people and it was obvious that their "crimes" were pretty much imaginary (although I said nothing). She then ghosted me, but since I know I'm the latest in a long line, I just don't care. I have no idea what imaginary crime she created in her head for me, but actually I'm better off without her. This is what you need to think OP - you are better off without this person - and that is the closure. You must not torture yourself thinking of what rubbish has gone on in her head.

It’s happened to me twice.

As fr as I’ve been aware, things have been fine, had meet ups, walks, lunch etc, then just silence. When I contacted, no reply. It’s very hurtful, especially when you have no idea why.

That sounds very painful particularly as you have no idea what is behind it, if anything.

I admit I did, very gradually, fade someone out of my life. We were (I thought) good friends for a number of years and spent a lot of time together. I introduced her to another group of friends I am close to and was really shocked that almost instantly she seemed to latch onto them and downgraded me to a "periphery" friend. I know of course no one owns a friend and it would have seemed fine if it had gradually evolved that she became closer to others and less close with me. But it was so immediate and cutting, as if she'd just been biding her time with me until she found some proper, cool friends.

She maintained contact but it was very clear that she seemed to be using me to ensure access to her preferred new friends. We'd arrange to meet up but she'd cancel if she got a better offer from someone else in the group, usually with a feeble excuse but I'd always find out because I would get the invite too. She barely seemed embarrassed though when caught out. She'd badger me to know if I was arranging anything for my birthday but then turn up and pretty much ignore me ...

I felt too hurt to have it out with her directly and felt it would make me look jealous and desperate. It was a gradual fade over a couple of years. I heard she did moan to some of the others that I'd gone cold on her and didn't invite her to much stuff any more. She stopped trying so hard with the group after a while as I think without me as the link it didn't work so well. Crazily if she'd not demoted me so obviously she'd probably still be a part of it which is what she really wanted and we'd still be friends even if we'd grown apart over time.

Aaahhh sorry to drone on. I think my point is that sometimes there is a reason that isn't really obvious and is subtle because it's about feelings rather than acts or words.

yes, that's another reason I wouldn't ask or want to know. They might have just had a change of heart, as the song says.

@EmmaH2022 Yes, exactly - I think when people are on the receiving end of something like this, they assume that must be one big thing that they did wrong, and that they might be able to put it right or at least explain. I know I've thought that myself at times too. But as you say, I think in most cases it's more likely just that people just go off each other a bit over time and start to annoy each other in general, and that's not really something that can easily be discussed or explained.

Anyone unable to give you an explanation for their appalling behaviour (there really was no need to delete you on facebook for instance ) then she really is not the person you thought she was.

You asked her directly what was wrong, she said nothing, but continued to make lame excuses and to ignore you. Even if the problem healed tomorrow, this friendship would remain damaged because of her actions.

Stop waving
Stop being nice
Stop expecting her to step up and be the friend you thought she was

She does not deserve this kindness.

She is no friend to you, for whatever the cowardly excuse to dump ten years of friendship without a thought, and seemingly happy to spread the misery around she actually doesn't deserve you.

Be dignified, and enjoy other friendships and erase her from your life. Some people can turn out to be so disappointing - not all friends will last the distance.

Close the chapter yourself by removing all contacts/trace of her. Talk to those closest to you about your feelings and move forward knowing that it is her loss, not yours.

I started ghosting someone because she was really negative and depressing and brought me down. I didn’t have the heart to tell her so just started ignoring her and we drifted. Are you quite negative?

I bumped into her years later and we started chatting again.. I eventually told her the reason and not alot changed if I’m honest, she’s still a bit of a moaner but I just have boundaries now!

I had a friend do this to me and I still domt know why and it was incredibly painful. I never got closure or a reason why. A reason may never come but please know you do not deserve this treatment and be kind to yourself. Know your worth.

I had a friend of 20+ years do this to me and it was more painful than some romantic relationship breakups I've had! If she's too gutless to tell you what the issue is and is now trying to drag other friends into it then she is not worth bothering with. The pain will ease eventually and I'd cocentrate on finding some new friends.

I'm so sorry this happened to you - honestly, I was treated the same 20 years ago and haven't got closure to this date - I have let it go purely because I refuse to have it poison me, eat me up or hurt me anymore. I will never be able to mind read or know the reasons - it's on the other person..

Let it go, be kind to you, find friends that are wonderful!

She had her reasons and they weren't anything to do with you, not subconsciously, lots of love x

P. S. I found out in later years other friends were treated the same 5-10 years after I was which did reinforce my opinion the issue was the friend's..

I totally get this OP, having had similar.
I thought we had a very close friendship even went on holidays together, days away etc. Supported them through a traumatic time. Going through a traumatic time myself and contacted her and they actually told me they did not want to know!
No explanation from them, just that statement.
Was absolutely gutted, hurt, can not explain how much.
Saw them earlier this year when I was with a family member and tried to speak to them and got spoken and treated like garbage. My family member was gobsmacked by what they witnessed. Told me then that they were not and sadly had probably never been a true friend and had clearly forgotten everything i had done for them.
Was sad but true. It does get easier OP and you will go that you do not think about them.
My advice would be to ignore them and get on with your life as the problem lies with them not you.

The biggest gift you can give yourself is permission to close this chapter, without an answer from your friend. Give yourself the closure. If you were going to get an answer or opportunity to talk, it would have happened by now.

I totally get it, it's so so hurtful. But you now need to learn to take your feelings out of her hands and back into your own. What can you do to be nice to yourself? Throw yourself into every new thing you can.

Also reevaluate the other friend. If she's genuinely treating you badly, don't hang around for her scraps. You can make the decision that's she is treating you badly and withdraw. It goes both ways.

I had therapy following a friendship breakdown and while only three sessions, helped me a great deal to move on. If you can afford it, I'd highly recommend talking to someone impartial.

I'm a big believer in protecting yourself. You may never know why and it will come to not matter nearly as much. You can decide right now that you won't allow yourself to be treated this badly again and start working on healing your hurt.
Wishing you better times ahead.

Ugh this thread is hard to read
I think (?) I've been the ghoster, I really miss my friend but I can't see a way out.

She called me a year and I said I'd call her back and never did. I had a lot of life drama going on, as did she but when I did get in touch she always made it clear I'd let her down in a passive aggressive way (like saying she had no friends and noone cared about her, which I found very difficult to hear)

Also I was increasingly thinking choices she was making were damaging to her - when i tried to raise it she didn't want to discuss it and I found it hard to stand by and watch her being taken advantage of.

And my own life had a huge upheaval which meant i was off grid to everyone for a few months, then the gap was so noticeable I found it really hard to get in touch again (and face the "noone cares about me" conversation and feel even more shit).

I guess in summary the relationship was having a detrimental effect on me but its very very difficult to tell someone that. I do regularly think about emailing her but I don't know if it's worth it.

@AdamRyan I guess it hangs on whether you actually want to have a friendship. If not then you're probably best leaving it unless she asks you directly?
Interestingly a friend of mine is blatantly ghosting another friend and one of her complaints is she's passive aggressive. She really isn't being that way, I think that is her guilt taking it as a dig. I'm not saying it's the same situation with you, but it's interesting how two people can view something completely differently

I think it's just one way that people have of dealing with things, I'm not sure the alternative is much better TBH. I told some old friends recently carefully why I was no longer interested in ongoing friendship, I wished them all the best and was very polite but it still stirred a lot of difficult feelings. I don't know if it was any better than just ghosting TBH!

My absolute best friend ghosted me after he a had a breakdown last October (can't believe its been a year!)

It's very very painful. No idea how to help OP but I just want to say I totally get it x

You wont get closure.......instead you might simply be inviting further gossip or else twisted justifications as to why the friendship petered out.

Friendships change over time, as people do, they ebb and flow.

Move on - I know it's hard because so many of my long term friends have fallen out between themselves and with me(!!) over the last 2 to 3 years. I'm like WTF was all that about.

Some of the fallings out are masks for economic jealousy, or internal frustrations about their lives making them less tolerant, and maybe from my side too self absorbed due to drama's going on in my life. Maybe people just don't have the capacity and just can't make the effort .....for whatever reason.

Anyway, the closure quest will not work, i don't think. People sometimes play out what has happened to them unto someone else, sometimes they really don't know why they act as they do. We've all lived through trauma over the last few years, I think there have been many fallings out, distancing, crankyness due to over reliance on alcohol.

It's happening everywhere.

I would feel just like you, how very unkind they are.