Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD's just started at private school and I'm anxious

68 replies

Anony1mous · 08/09/2022 23:30

My DD has just started an independent school and I don’t know whether this is unreasonable or common as myself and DH attended state schools so we don’t have experience. I’m feeling a little anxious and really worried about small things.

Today for example they had first PE lesson and I purchased all the compulsory items. Issue is there are 5 different tops! I phoned up school earlier on in week and they were very “off” and said everything was emailed to me and I need to check my emails. I did this numerous times and there’s no info, I tried again and was met with same response and I felt really embarrassed and anxious as person on other end sounded annoyed with me. I have a few other queries as well and have looked on the website and re-checked every single email but there’s nothing there that can answer my queries.

it’s not my personality to be very outspoken but I’m quite upset that we’re spending all this money and I’m too frightened to speak to them! I’ve just emailed my queries but I feel really annoyed that I’m feeling like this. Some words of wisdom please…

I tried to talk to a friend and her response was “see that’s why I don’t waste my money on private”, not really helpful!

OP posts:
Craftybodger · 08/09/2022 23:39

Where do you get the uniform? Can you ask there? Our school shop is very approachable and realistic about what is needed.

ILoveAnOwl · 08/09/2022 23:40

First day at an Indie here for us as well. PE kit regulations are literally the most complex Web of mystery I've ever known. Luckily, I've a friend who was already there who helped me navigate, but the lack of communication about so many things has been incredible.

minipie · 08/09/2022 23:41

Hi sorry they’ve been so unhelpful. How old is your DD and is it a private primary or secondary school?

If it’s a primary, do you have any contact details for other parents in the class - like a parents’ whatsapp or a contact list? I’m sure another parent would be happy to answer questions.

If it’s a secondary then your DD will pretty quickly work out which top she needs when I expect, in the meantime maybe she can take a few so she’s not got the wrong one?

Uniform is notoriously tricky and everyone gets it wrong at least once or twice. My bet is the person on the phone didn’t actually know the answer!!

Snugglemonkey · 08/09/2022 23:43

Did they provide a uniform list? Everything on ours is compulsory. Depending on where in age your DD is, she may well need the 5 tops. Do you have a list of her activities? Then you can check what tops she will need.

I would also ask for the emails to be resent and check they have the correct details.

ElspethTascioni · 08/09/2022 23:55

Stop worrying, what will happen if you get it wrong? Ask a fellow parent? Ask the class teacher - perfect question for the class WhatsApp group!

Original poster
Anony1mous · 09/09/2022 06:40

Thank you so much everyone. I was bracing myself to be told I’m being unreasonable! To answer a few questions:

she’s in an all through independent. She’s in year 3.

there’s no school uniform shop, it’s all online and the company never answers their phone. When I did email them they told me to contact the school.

the setup is weird as I e never met the parents. There’s a staggered arrival and pick up time and we are all told not to hang around and to drop/pick up and leave, to help traffic flow.

I would love to meet the other parents as I kind of feel a little isolated. Don’t know how to go about. I’ve smiled and said hello to the parents I do see standing nearby but I don’t find them so far friendly. Any tips on how to get friendly with them?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anony1mous · 09/09/2022 06:43

I kind of feel I’ve made a mistake in sending her there. Maybe a smaller lovely prep would have been better. I kept getting told I’m silly for considering a prep as she’s going to have to do 11+ to get into a good secondary like she’s in now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anony1mous · 09/09/2022 06:48

I mean she would need to do the 11+ at year 6 but now she will automatically get a place in the secondary. I’ve checked so this is correct.

OP posts:
Summerof22 · 09/09/2022 06:49

Like another poster suggested, I would send all the tops and she can wear the right one, she’ll soon learn all the rules.

we have two, one for PE (eg gymnastics) one for games (eg hockey)

maybe you could email the PTA and someone might be willing to help you out?

same goes for getting to know school mums, the PTA might be your answer.

LIZS · 09/09/2022 07:09

Do you have a system of class reps, if so maybe they can advise, 5 tops seems excessive though. Dc had max of 3.

yikesanotherbooboo · 09/09/2022 08:26

Some tops might be for summer sports in which case , not needed , but I agree that 5 seems mad for young DC who are growing rapidly.
Just get netball and PE if that is an option and find out when. dad starts.
You should be able to email games teacher if you can't get rl advice from shop .

PandaOrLion · 09/09/2022 08:28

Is there a PE bag? IME all kit goes in in the PE bag on Monday and returns on Friday. Students are then told what to wear for each lesson.

Lemonlemon88 · 09/09/2022 08:37

It’s pretty unacceptable that they are being rude to you. You pay the fees for a service as well as the education!

Hoppinggreen · 09/09/2022 08:38

That’s unusual in my experience, often Private school staff have more time to help parents but I’m sorry you were left feeling like that.
It may be a one off, you might have caught someone at a bad time but please don’t feel you can’t ask if you need help
Remember, your child has as much right as any child to be there and you have as much right as any parent to phone up with queries. You sound a bit overwhelmed but it’s just a school and not all the parents will have been to Private schools either so no need to be so anxious.
Try and get a class/year WhatsApp set up (or find out if there is one you can be added to) as well.

modgepodge · 09/09/2022 08:41

Have you got the class teachers email address? Or the PE teacher? I’m a form tutor in a prep and would very happily answer questions like this from a new parent, as would the PE teacher. PE kit is v confusing compared to most primaries where it’s shorts/joggers and a tshirt with a hoodie if it’s cold! For now I’d send her in with all of them and she can check with her friends/the teacher at the start of the lesson.

Beyondthedale · 09/09/2022 08:43

I think this is where you need to be a bit narky in response.

’I’m sorry but the information I need is not there. Can you tell me which top she needs?’

Foronenightonly01 · 09/09/2022 08:43

There’ll prob be a class whatsapp group -you need to get yourself on - the problem is these are set up by the parents so you need one of them to put you on. Only thing to do is collar some of the other Mums at pick up and ask - even if they’re wrong year group they may know someone they can ask. Shame it’s been so unfriendly so far. My middle dc went to the most unfriendly indie primary/prep - at yr3 you’re still young enough to move again if the vibes don’t improve so see how you go!

Thehop · 09/09/2022 08:43

My older boys had their first independent day yesterday.

there were loads of people kit on the list but the lady on the office just ticked the one kit they would wear until after new year and said she’d send home the one they needed next in an email at Christmas.

feeling very grateful, this sounds rubbish!

MakkaPakkas · 09/09/2022 08:46

This is what class WhatsApp groups are for.
For now send her in with your best guess & a note for the PE teacher. Then see if you can contact the PTA, find out about class reps etc they should be able to put you in contact with other parents.
I have DD in a private secondary (quite an idosyncratic one which is specialised to her interests) and DS in state secondary DH & me both went to state and I agree it's quite a weird mental adjustment. You won't be the only one.

Smartiepants79 · 09/09/2022 08:47

Not the norm for my girls independent school. They’re very helpful and happy to answer all questions.
We only have 2 pe tops though!! 🙂
I would ask her class teacher as a next step. Sending her wit all of them is also not a bad idea. If you still feel they’re being unhelpful I’d be taking it further up the food chain. This is not good practice. You won’t be the only parent who’s floundering. It would take the school office the same length of time to just tell you the answer than it does to tell you t check your emails!
I’d suspect they don’t actually know the answer!!

CatsAreCrackers · 09/09/2022 09:01

Do they have houses? She might be expected to have a particular house games T-shirt. The amount of games tops (and socks at our school!) is ridiculous. I'm really sorry you got someone rude, that's totally unacceptable. An email is probably a good idea, they will be a bit frazzled at this time of year, although still not acceptable to be rude! You should have received it all though, ask them to resend. Is the uniform website Schoolblazer? If so you have my total and utter sympathies! If you can't grab another parent, ask your daughter to ask one of the girls to get their mum to add you to the WhatsApp year group, there is most likely to be one. Soon you'll be kitting them out like a pro! 😉

And next year at this time, be on the look out for that mum that looks a bit lost and leap in and help them.

TolkiensFallow · 09/09/2022 09:05

I would email them and say that if they are “unable” to help you, you would like to escalate into a complaint.

hockeygrass · 09/09/2022 09:10

OP, I would have thought that you will have a parents welcome event in the evening in the next couple of weeks plus the class rep will be in touch to arrange a coffee morning and before you know it you will be on a never ending circuit of birthday parties and play dates. There will be plenty of contact with parents and the school by half term. Study the school calendar carefully and note all events you could go to plus sports fixtures for your dd in the school day.

Testina · 09/09/2022 09:10

Anony1mous · 09/09/2022 06:48

I mean she would need to do the 11+ at year 6 but now she will automatically get a place in the secondary. I’ve checked so this is correct.

Are you sure?
I suspect that they claim you go straight through without exam, as a marketing ploy to get you to pay for primary years.
If your child isn’t up to it academically, they’ll manage her out anyway.

She’s Y3, so don’t sweat it. If she has the wrong PE top, she won’t even remember it soon enough. She’ll learn the rules quicker than you will.

Liorae · 09/09/2022 09:14

I tried to talk to a friend and her response was “see that’s why I don’t waste my money on private”, not really helpful!
But probably right.