DD's just started at private school and I'm anxious

[Anony1mous]

My DD has just started an independent school and I don’t know whether this is unreasonable or common as myself and DH attended state schools so we don’t have experience. I’m feeling a little anxious and really worried about small things.

Today for example they had first PE lesson and I purchased all the compulsory items. Issue is there are 5 different tops! I phoned up school earlier on in week and they were very “off” and said everything was emailed to me and I need to check my emails. I did this numerous times and there’s no info, I tried again and was met with same response and I felt really embarrassed and anxious as person on other end sounded annoyed with me. I have a few other queries as well and have looked on the website and re-checked every single email but there’s nothing there that can answer my queries.

it’s not my personality to be very outspoken but I’m quite upset that we’re spending all this money and I’m too frightened to speak to them! I’ve just emailed my queries but I feel really annoyed that I’m feeling like this. Some words of wisdom please…

I tried to talk to a friend and her response was “see that’s why I don’t waste my money on private”, not really helpful!

They make their money by bamboozleing families like you OP.

I would send an email to the school:
"Please could you re-send the information about what the PE Uniform requirements are? I cannot find any original email and neither the school office nor the clothing company could advise. Many thanks"
Don't worry too much! They are prob just busy, don't take it personally. Just put her in a T-shirt first day.

Or charging school fees maybe

Relax, you just need to connect. If you find the uniform system a bore - all other parents will too. The school reception is probably fed up dealing with uniform queries at the start of term. Look at photos and what the children are wearing. There is usually a brochure with photos of children wearing the uniform and demonstrating how its put together. The uniform can be so complicated. Our school has so many different types of socks. We have 7 different types of socks and tights. (3 types for sport then different socks to go with the summer uniform and another type of sock to go with the winter uniform and 2 tight options. Theres no choice you have to wear the correct sock with the correct thing. Although Ive seen hilarious uniform combinations on the sports pitch when uniform is lost). There will be a parent group. Ask admissions/the school reception for group contact details/class rep contact details to point out another parent in the same year to help you/connect with. There will also be a what's app group for your daughters class, and possibly a dedicated parents communications platform for chatter (to be GDPR compliant). Just keep asking until you are plugged in. Hang around at pick up and drop off and see if you can connect with other parents. Park and walk in so you can loiter during a staggered pick up. No doubt there will be an information evening. There may also be a separate second hand uniform shop or re-sale system. Use that, the volunteers that run it are usually full of wisdom and gossip (and you'll save a fortune). Don't worry about being anxious about not having gone to an independent yourself. Over the years, times and terminology (e.g. for year groups 'kindergarten' , terms 'trinity' 'michelmas', events 'mufti') have changed. Parents who attended exclusive schools are befuddled. There may be an international intake too with entirely different expectations and language limitations- wondering why you need a different skirt for netball, a skort for gym/athletics and then another skirt for tennis or lax - "why won't one do?". I've been asked for advice by a parent who intended to donate a pumpkin and vegetables for harvest festival (when the expected donation was £) as that's what she does in her country and have also been asked what Christmas is all about, what's in an Eton mess, and what's bonfire night about. Smile and enjoy it.

Is there a parents wattsapp group, or a class rep (who is responsible for helping new joiners settle in)? It’s usual to have both of these. Ask school office if these exist. Are they on Classlist or Class Dojo perhaps?

She may need 5 sport tops, but probably not all for first term. She’ll probably start with one sport and then move to another in a few weeks / next term. I agree the sports kit that indies demand is ridiculous.

If there is no wattsapp group / class rep, and the school are being unhelpful by email, could you phone them or pop in and say look I’ve read all my emails and I can’t find this info, the uniform provider told me to speak to you, can you please help.

It’ll be ok, just settling in is painful and confusing but it will soon get better.

Re meeting parents it’s hard, my tip is to say yes everytime they ask for volunteers. Make coffees for preprep sports day, offer to help PTA decorate for events, etc. When your child begins to make friends, invite them to playdates and try to chat to the mums at dropoffs. But also be realistic: you’ve simply missed that beginning stage when everyone is super-friendly. You may have to wait for more new joiners to arrive to make real friends 😬

Yabu
Take a breath
She'll be ok. The uniforms will be ok
And parents in private schools are the same as state schools.

Open op a bit. With your heart and mouth 😊

Hi,

I haven't read through the entire thread but both my kids went to private schools. I would send it all in the first week, it all comes back on Friday for washing, the state of what the stuff comes back in will tell you what they have worn through the week. Sometimes it's a bit obvious eg cricket stuff / tennis will be summer, lacrosse/ netball/ rugby/ football will be autumn/winter.
Sorry to ask but have you checked your junk mail in case it went in there. The other thing I seem to remember is on the list it usually says summer uniform etc.
Do you get a chance to talk to the form tutor at pick up?
It can be quite overwhelming the first week but you will soon settle into the flow.

Could you just pack all the tops?

This is nothing like my DS prep school. The staff are extremely helpful and go out of their way to help. The teachers as well are always on hand for any questions.

Wow you're really bitter about private schools aren't you? Why?

Just to warn you, it may be automatic, but if she doesn't make the grade you may find it being suggested that 'your daughter might be happier elsewhere'. I'm sure it doesn't happen everywhere, but I've certainly heard of it happening at some all-through schools.

Why have five PE tops? The school must be getting a cut of the uniform supplier's profits! Madness.

Perhaps you could set up a Whatsapp group if you bump into any of the other parents. There may already be a Facebook group.

If you went to a state school yourself you may, like me, initially feel a bit out of your depth. You will soon find that the school is full of all shapes and sizes of families.

I wouldn't put up with a rude and unhelpful person in the admin office. You have been nice, but most private school mums I know would complain to the school about their attitude and tell them that "this is not what I am paying for". I have heard this line trot out a million times.

They are there to help you. I would write an email and say you are new to the school, can't see the info about the PE kit, have asked twice and was quite upset about the lack of help and attitude and can someone please get back to me ASAP. Believe me, once they see you are pissed off, they'll be on the phone immediately.

In the nicest way possible, that’s a bit of an overreaction. Give things a chance!! The office will be swamped with all kinds of work these first days of term. Admittedly they could be kinder but I’m not sure why you rang back for more of the same treatment after the first call.

Pass your number to the class teacher and let her know she has your consent to pass it in the class rep. The class WhatsApp will be you font of all knowledge (and in a weeks time you’ll be cursing the constant pinging about lost jumpers!). Or get in touch with the parents assoc who are usually happy to help new parents navigate things.

YABU to be so frightened of a school receptionist that you are seriously thinking you made a wrong choice sending your daughter there.

Call up again, and just be clear that they might be telling you the information is in the email but it is not, so can they please resend what they think they have or verbally tell you what you're supposed to be supplying. If they continue to be snotty, then ask for their name so if your daughter gets in trouble you can say that so and so on Reception refused be clear on requirements. Pretty sure they'll change their tune then.

Ah, I feel for you OP. I've been there. It is stressful.

One thing, it is not a good idea to make friends at the school gate and believe me, having it staggered and avoiding the yummy mummy brigade is a blessing.

Your DD will be invited to parties, on playdates and you can meet their parents then. Just give it a few months. I have made some lovely friends from my school, but it took time.

What is important here is if your DD is happy with her schooling.

I would be assuming she may well need all the tops over a year

1 house top
1 general pe top
1 x each of netball/hockey/summer sport (rounders/cricket/tennis ?)

You will prob find there's a class what's app group, try and get her to spot someone from her class after school and ask their parent.

If the person on the phone was narky and unhelpful, why not get blunt with her.
Tell her that the information was not included in the emails, and you need the information. If she can't provide it, can she suggest who can - her supervisor, the games teacher, etc. Don't let her fob you off.