DD's just started at private school and I'm anxious

[Anony1mous]

My DD has just started an independent school and I don’t know whether this is unreasonable or common as myself and DH attended state schools so we don’t have experience. I’m feeling a little anxious and really worried about small things.

Today for example they had first PE lesson and I purchased all the compulsory items. Issue is there are 5 different tops! I phoned up school earlier on in week and they were very “off” and said everything was emailed to me and I need to check my emails. I did this numerous times and there’s no info, I tried again and was met with same response and I felt really embarrassed and anxious as person on other end sounded annoyed with me. I have a few other queries as well and have looked on the website and re-checked every single email but there’s nothing there that can answer my queries.

it’s not my personality to be very outspoken but I’m quite upset that we’re spending all this money and I’m too frightened to speak to them! I’ve just emailed my queries but I feel really annoyed that I’m feeling like this. Some words of wisdom please…

I tried to talk to a friend and her response was “see that’s why I don’t waste my money on private”, not really helpful!

My DDs are at a similar school. They are both in Pre Prep, and that's a nightmare to navigate. Once they go up to Prep, it's a horrendous. They have a games kit for matches, a house pe kit, a PE kit, Forest school kit, branded swimming kit, school uniform which change dramatically in Year 3, school trip smocks. Honestly, it is ridiculous.

Is there no parents' Facebook group or WhatsApp group? Or PTA? The school admin sounds unfriendly so you will have to get politely assertive. They will probably be short of time at the very beginning of term but it's no excuse for being rude.

Don’t be anxious! As others have said, you are paying your money and you need a service from them. I would just ask the teacher when you drop her off, or as others have said, send her with a choice and get her to ask (or just to put on what everyone else is wearing)

Are some of the tops for different weather etc? That should be obvious from the website or order form - so my DD has a court shirt (most often worn), a base layer top for underneath, mid layer fleece to go over and a waterproof top over that. If she were in teams she would also have a white version of the court shirt for tennis and cricket, a netball dress and a football strip!

And don’t worry about not having been to a private school - about half the parents won’t have, and those that do don’t magically understand it all (I am old enough to have done PE in an aertex and gym knickers)

Oh, I forgot about the house t-shirt as well. Yeah, that is five!

Say to the person on the phone , in' I've been through my emails, the information is not there - please re send the relevant e Mail'

Don't let them be short with you.

My children's prep was like this. Rubbish communication on joining, I had to struggle to find everything out and wasted money on uniform I was told was essential but turned out was never worn. Also had eleventy billion different sports kits.

WhatsApp parent group is your answer here, both for adult friendships and for info.

School are not allowed to just add you to it or to give your info to the parent who is admin for it. Email school and say " I would like for you to give my phone number and email to the year 3 class rep, if there is one, and to the parent or parents who are admins for the parent WhatsApp group, and for you to ask them to add me to all their groups."

Give it a couple of days and you will have access to good sources of info.

My daughter just started boarding at a prep school. She takes all her pe kits in on a Monday, indoor, outdoor, swimming, base layers and outer layers. She then brings back the bits that need washing as and when. The teachers tell them what to wear for each lesson. I would expect the teachers to help them know what is needed, especially in year 3.

If there is a parents welcome evening see if you can collect some numbers for a class whatsapp group. The school should have set up some kind of event where parents can meet each other

We made the transition last year. It is a bit of a shock to the system. WhatsApp group is the answer here. Be proactive - if your child recognises someone from their class approach the parent. A quick ‘hi, we are new, is there a class WhatsApp group, the school have been a bit rubbish at getting me added, Are you able to add me’?’ should do it. Quicker than going through the school I would expect

Ring and ask to speak to the head of PE. Then you can bypass the mean secretary and get the info from the horse’s mouth.

Is there no entrance exam for their senior school OP? DD went to an all through and although the implication was that girls would go straight through we are sure some girls were managed out earlier and we know for certain a few were not offered senior places. 😪

The PE kit requirements seem impenetrable. DDs school was fine but DSs seems to have more possibilities than a pick and mix sweet counter

Oh my god I feel your pain. White shorts for PE, blue shorts for games. First I had to get my head around the fact that games and PE are DIFFERENT. Different tops for each as well, plus a house coloured T-shirt plus depart cricket, rugby, hockey and school regulation swimming kit. Times two boys. Plus factor in after and before school clubs. It took me a full half hour to arrange kit for the hockey/rugby/PE/swimming day that the two of them did yesterday!

Are you planning for your child to sit the common entrance exam or 11 plus? What is the plan for your child after this prep?

Your experience is highly unusual op. Our prep was always so helpful and kind, especially to new families finding their feet.

I would email the school and tell them you are new, you have a number of questions. Ask if there are any drinks parties or new family gatherings. Ask to be added to the group whatsapp group and can your number be forwarded to a class rep if there is one for assistance with integrating.

One grumpy receptionist should not form your view of the school op.

I would imagine many parents have been there since reception, so they may already know each other, but year three is quite a common entry period too, and there will be other families in the same position.

If you spot parents from your year, do go and introduce yourself " my name is op, I have a dd called xx she has just joined year 3 and we are just finding our feet, can you please point me in the right direction for class and school information/whats app groups"

I hope it gets better!

Can you list out the types of tops available here? There are a fair few for DD, but she only wears her (reversible) house games shirt and something called a ‘mid layer’ which is basically a sweatshirt.

From memory there were other options available - base layer and gym shirt and possible a summer tennis top, but as she’s not especially sporty she’s not needed those.

I don't think you should feel so bad about the whole school based on so little interaction. Even if the people dealing with the phone calls are a bit snarky then it doesn't mean everyone else in the school will be like that.

I'm sure the good reasons you chose the school are still there!
Hopefully you will get to meet the other parents soon enough.

Goodness me, this is one of those situations where I'd like to take over for a few minutes. I would simply call them back and ask. I would be undeterred by bad attitude and if it were beyond the pale, I would call them out and be clear I expect them to be polite and helpful. You're paying them money and you're being disrespected. That would piss me off so badly!

Do a Facebook search to see if there are any parents groups on there which you could join to ask. If there aren't, post on your local Facebook page saying 'Does anyone have a child at X school who can answer some uniform queries for me?' One way or another you'll get some answers, and other parents are often a more useful source of information than the school themselves

You need to stop feeling intimidated. Private school and its culture is not some innately superior thing that mere mortals must look up to. Its a commercial business there for anyone who can afford it. Its employees are providing you with a service and in this case, not a very good one. You need to politely but firmly tell them you are dissatisfied with their communication.

Some of my school's emails randomly went to Junk - just mentioning in case you haven't checked!

Also don't let their rudeness deter you. First few days of term can be stressful but they should have better customer service.

Is there a group WhatsApp chat for her class/year group? Usually there is. Ask one of the other parents at pick-up, get added to it and ask these questions there, the other parents will help you out.

Yes this! Be firm with the reception/admin staff. If they say they don’t know then you politely but firmly ask them to ring you back or email asap when they have found the answer. Tell them you would like an answer that day.
My ds has been at his independent senior school for 2 years already (going into year 9) and we had huge debate about what sports kit he needed today!

You are literally paying through the nose for a service, their support in response to a straightforward question has been dismissive, rude and unhelpful.

Email back and state that you have exhausted all other options in terms of information and you do not think it is unreasonable for the school itself, which you are paying to do a job, to provide helpful feedback. Even if it is a contact number or email address where you can get answers.

Stand your ground now and start as you mean to go on.

You can do this.

My kids are at an indie and the uniform list gives a vast number of things needed, but actually they only need X if they're doing rugby, only Y if they're doing fives and so on. So most people just buy the main kit and only buy extras if their child takes that sport.

The admin staff should be able to give you the info- very poor if they aren't. Alternatively do you know anyone with kids in higher years? PTA? You even nc and post on here asking if anyone has children there who could help you.

This sounds like some of the schools near me, you’re not in South London are you?

Do any other shops stock the uniform? You could try the school’s website (you have probably done this) and even have a look at the sporting pages, you might get a clue to what they’re wearing in the pics.

failing that, others have given good advice for ways in which to email with a bit more assertiveness.

Well if you and DH earn enough money to send DD to an indie prep you’ve got to have got somewhere in life. Go up to one of the parents and ask if there is a class whatsapp group! Also say you’re new and stuck on how the PE kit works!

OR

go to reception at the school and ask to speak with one of the PE teachers or email them!!