Question over friend hating children

[Lemondrizzle77]

I have a friend who doesn't have any children. In fact I have many friends who are not mothers. All of which are pleasant enough about and towards my own. However this one friend says she 'hates' all babies and small children. Fine. But she gives my children dirty looks whenever she sees them says all babies are vile and disgusting and is always negative when my children or someone else's children are mentioned in the group chat or in passing. It is starting to grate. I accept children are not for her but her hostility is starting to make me question if our values are aligning or not.

Anyway at dinner last night the topic of pregnancy somehow came up and she said she has never once used contraception in her life (and I know she is very sexually active) and I thought this was quite unusual as she quote un quote 'hates kids' so in my mind surely you would ensure you are protected. So I asked her what she would do if she got pregnant and she said 'oh have an abortion'

AIBU to think this odd. I don't want to jump on the whole 'every women secretly wants kids' bandwagon because they don't but I'm inclined to think there might be more behind why she detests children so much.

Only reason I am posting is because I have been tempted to pull back from the relationship recently but now I wonder if I should try and be more supportive and just ignore her unkind comments.

If it’s pushed on someone to such a degree that it becomes a trigger point, despite them repeatedly saying they want to be single, then yes, they may become averse to couples and ‘smug marrieds’ (which is a trope that is arguably exactly the result of what you’ve described). ‘The best defense is a good offense’ and all that. I’m not saying it’s reasonable, or that the friend is acting reasonably at all, I’m looking at the likely motivation.

I am childfree and I didn’t and don’t act like that, but the societal and personal pressures affect people in different ways.

*"Tabbouleh · Today 13:23

By the same logic, when I was single, I should have given the husbands of all my friends dirty looks so I wasn't told " You are next!":)

If people dismiss your wish to be child-free, you could take that up with them instead of being randomly rude? I don't mean you specifically; I mean any child free person"*

This comparison only works if you are single and NEVER want to meet a partner. You said "When I was single" so I assume that wasn't the case.

She sounds creepy and evil. Anyone who hates children for simply existing and goes so far as to act in a hostile way to them, is not someone I would allow in a room with my children. Does she know that she was a child once? That she literally despises her own species? She’s all manner of fucked up and I would cut her out of my life without second thought.

I hate edgy types who think its cool/funny/appropriate to hate children.

Any form of hate for things beyond a persons control (such as race, sex, age, ability) is abhorrant.

They are collosal insufferable bores and I would not even attempt a friendship with them.

I get not necasserily 'liking' kids (hell I have kids but dont tend to 'like' kids in general, like I couldnt be a kids entertainer or teacher. I like mine because they're mine lol) and I accept others choose not to have kids themselves (I mean its not like I have any say in what they do with their reproduction lol) but people who are delibrately mean and bullying or other peoples lifestyle/choices dont deserve friends.

The ‘her business’ point also covers whether abortion is her plan A or not. Like I said, I would always recommend using contraception instead, but if someone else wants to rely on abortion then that’s on them. Fuck all to do with me or anyone else.

It could also hint at her meaning exactly what she says she means. That she would access abortion is the situation ever arose.

She doesn’t sound like she’s hoping to be pregnant one day she sounds like if she ever has a baby SS need to know. Bin her off and make friends with someone lovely like @Hillrunning

Ok I was just commenting that her choice is stupid and irresponsible. Her business- I don't know the woman. Still stupid. @whumpthereitis

A think a lot of it is physically being availible.

I live far away from my friends so see them a few times a year, we all have kids and partners and lives of our own so arranging things can be hard too even if you ignored the distance.

When I was at university I had my oldest and lost so many uni friends because I couldnt go out all night drinking.

We litrally spent all day together, would hang out at lunch etc... but because I wasnt 'always' their they would suddenly drop me like a hot stone when it suited them, forget about me and when I was away in hospital they litrally replaced me in a heartbeat with someone new as if I was just 'holding a space' in the group.

A childless single woman is far more likely to be able to show up for coffee or go on a night out at late notice than a mother (unless she has a really demanding job) so she is more physically availible to show up at many peoples 'events' etc... giving the illision of being friends with lots of people when really people are just putting up with her because shes there.

I went through years of infertility, fertility treatments, a loss and IVF... I never acted a dick to others though.

Thats a shitty excuse and not an attitude I have ever come across in the world of infertility and loss.

from 3 until 11 I had great convosations with my DS, we talked about science, history and all sorts he was pretty interesting. Hes now 14 and communicates in grunts and shrugs, its insufferable lol.

She sounds exceptionally rude, it’s a no from me.

Same

@Lemondrizzle77 If any of my friends gave my child a dirty look or worse, we're negative towards or about her, the friendship would end that very second

Yes I’m wondering this too

This.

I don't like kids either, and I have a DC, but I would never say the things your friends have said to someone who has kids.

I also had a male friend that vehemently hated kids. His hatred was actually hilarious cause it was just so over the top and I wonder if he was trying to get a reaction out of me but I just didn't fall for it.

Maybe she can't have children that is why she doesn't need contraception and the whole I hate kids thing is just because she is angry and jealous.

Don’t tolerate her giving your children dirty looks. They get no choice about whether or not to see her, you do.

I have a friend who’s similar. Lists as long as your arms about why pregnancy, babies and children are gross. She’s fine with older ones but really unpleasant about anything earlier and we collectively don’t put up with it. When the first friend in that group got pregnant she announced, loudly, that just because they were friends didn’t make the pregnancy any less disgusting. When I was pregnant with my daughter, after 5 miscarriages and years of awful shit that she knew about, she sighed and said “oh god you’re having one too”.

She’s got issues. Beyond that she can be lovely so I put up with it and remind her to knock it off when she’s being weird but the day she’s rude to my child I’m done.

There’s no excuse for how this woman is behaving. Don’t enable her by going along with it.

Indeed! How DO these bitches acquire friends?

You on the other hand sound lovely and funny and wise 😊

She sounds tedious, i wouldnt want to give ger the oxygen but tempting to ask her if shes been rendered infertile by an STD?

She doesn’t sound like a very pleasant person tbh.

There’s lots of people who don’t ever want kids. Nothing unusual about.
There’s people who might not particularly like being around them, but they probably have enough self awareness to not make a big deal out it or proclaim they ‘hate kids’
It’s a strange statement to make imo.

As for giving your dc dirty looks? That’s just weird.

She sounds very immature and probably just looking for a reaction.

I know I wouldn’t want to be mates with someone like that.

Nothing wrong with not wanting children, preferring adults-only holidays and restaurants etc.

People who make a huge show of how much they actively dislike children, in my experience, have some variation of "not like other girls" syndrome. I know it can be men too but I find they don't tend to make this show of it if they don't want kids. It's pretty hateful.

Ask her do kids like her?

Not wanting children or not wanting to interact with children is fair enough. So is finding kids annoying. But actively hating kids and giving your DCs dirty looks is just deranged in my opinion. They are still people at the end of the day.
The not wanting kids but also not using contraception is also weird. I totally under stand many women don’t want kids. But this makes me wonder if your friend is actually infertile and she knows she can’t get pregnant. Maybe it’s all a front?

Yes, I wondered that. You hate children and couldn't stand to have any but you don't use contraception?