Question over friend hating children

[Lemondrizzle77]

I have a friend who doesn't have any children. In fact I have many friends who are not mothers. All of which are pleasant enough about and towards my own. However this one friend says she 'hates' all babies and small children. Fine. But she gives my children dirty looks whenever she sees them says all babies are vile and disgusting and is always negative when my children or someone else's children are mentioned in the group chat or in passing. It is starting to grate. I accept children are not for her but her hostility is starting to make me question if our values are aligning or not.

Anyway at dinner last night the topic of pregnancy somehow came up and she said she has never once used contraception in her life (and I know she is very sexually active) and I thought this was quite unusual as she quote un quote 'hates kids' so in my mind surely you would ensure you are protected. So I asked her what she would do if she got pregnant and she said 'oh have an abortion'

AIBU to think this odd. I don't want to jump on the whole 'every women secretly wants kids' bandwagon because they don't but I'm inclined to think there might be more behind why she detests children so much.

Only reason I am posting is because I have been tempted to pull back from the relationship recently but now I wonder if I should try and be more supportive and just ignore her unkind comments.

I voted YABU but only because I’ve no idea why you’re asking MN why a woman could dislike kids rather than just not hanging out with her anymore. She sounds unpleasant and fair enough that you don’t seem to like her… but you can't have imagined that this thread wouldn’t just be outraged mums calling her names. Just ditch her?

She just doesn't sound like a particularly nice person, whether she likes kids or not (there's plenty on Mumsnet who like their own children but aren't keen on other people's). I'd bin her off.

I could have written this too

it always amazes me how other frankly unpleasant people seem to have loads of friends and I have so few

I had a friend like this.....I pulled her up on it by saying I get this is the topic she's picked to.show how ' edgy 'she is but she's just making herself look like a dickhead. The resulting silence from everyone else in the group was very telling.

It's probably easier to say you hate kids than admit to everyone, including yourself, that you can't have kids.

Am often amazed by this too. MN is full of posts like these where peopl

This.
I don’t really like kids on the whole (bar my own most of the time 😆 and a select few family and friends kids) but I’d never be so vile and rude. She’s an attention seeker for sure. I don’t think I would continue to invest in this friendship personally.

Sorry. Posted too soon. Where people have the most awful and yet popular friends.

Hmm. The lady doth protest too much, methinks. V odd behaviour to not use protection when you ‘hate’ kids…unless….

A lot of women who want children but have fertility issues use self protection deflection methods, such as your friend. Although hers is a v extreme method, granted.

I would say if she’s not using protection and never has, she isn’t able to have children. The whole OTT manner in which she expresses her hatred combined with not using protection is indicative of this method.

When I didn’t want children prior to wanting them I took contraception v seriously. And I didn’t hate children, I just didn’t want them at the time! If your friend really hates children so much, there is no way she would risk getting pregnant.

She's still a dick and she's definitely wrong about the abortion thing. She can use a barrier, hormonal, non hormonal or possibly permanent contraception if she's so sure she hates children.

Truly, people will defend anything. There's no need to play devils advocate, she's just an arse

Anyone who critiques my son - without good reason! - would see their friendship terminated.

I'm childfree by choice, 38, happily married, and I'd say your friend is either not comfortable with her decision, or not comfortable with society's judgement of her decision.
To proclaim that you hate all babies and children is as odd as proclaiming that you hate all pensioners.
However, I can see how I might have come across like this in my early 20s - when everyone was talking about babies, having babies, asking me awkward questions about babies - and I was trying to figure out my own position on the subject. Saying I hated kids was my way of saying "oh, just fuck off" to the world for constantly making me feel so uncomfortable and 'othered'.
However, your point on contraception is far of the mark I'd say. DH and I have used the withdrawal method for more than a decade and I would genuinely have an abortion if I got pregnant. It simply isn't a big deal to me.

She sounds a grandstanding butthead.

It is fine not to want kids, it’s fine not to want to be around children. To go on about it is obnoxious showboating.

You’re friends with someone who gives your kids dirty looks? Why?!

*whumpthereitis · Today 12:23

She’s probably performative as a defense against ‘you’ll change your mind!’, or ‘I bet you secretly do!’. Any positive interaction with children leading to ‘you’d be such a good mother, you do want children really.*

Definitely this. As a childfree woman it's really hard to coo over someone's baby without people thinking you want one really, or saying "oh you'll be next", or saying what a good mother you'd be. People are so unnuanced. It becomes easier not to bother.

This. I wouldn’t want to be friends with her, she sounds obnoxious.

I don't like other people's kids and I have never cooed over them. But I have managed to restrain myself from making derogatory comments or giving them dirty looks because I am not 14..

Ah, I know what you mean 🙂
It’s like those people who say how they’re constantly invited to places and how others always want to hang out with them - and they really need to learn to say “no” to people.
Or the ones who claimed they actually quite enjoyed lockdowns, because they didn’t need to meet anyone.
I always wondered how much fun these people actually are.

Yeah, I don't want or particularly like kids (until they're about 11 and I can have a decent conversation) but I would never ever say that to my friends and family who have small children and I make an effort even though it doesn't come naturally. Your friend is being an attention seeking dick. No need for it.

I have a friend who really doesn't like children. When another friend offered her a cuddle with her new baby, first friend visibly recoiled before she composed herself and politely declined. But she is never purposefully rude about it. I have never seen her give any child filthy looks, or insult them. Because she's not a dick.

Sounds like your friend likes being all "edgy" by not liking children, and wants to keep drawing attention to it. Not sure I have the energy to be friends with someone like that.

She’s not acting in a reasonable way, but OP was considering her motivations. It’s very possible, if not probable, that it’s exactly this. Having your wishes and choices routinely disbelieved and dismissed gets old very quickly, and while some can just shrug and let it go, others are more bothered by it to the point where they become overtly hostile.

By the same logic, when I was single, I should have given the husbands of all my friends dirty looks so I wasn't told " You are next!":)

If people dismiss your wish to be child-free, you could take that up with them instead of being randomly rude? I don't mean you specifically; I mean any child free person

Looking at what someone’s motivations are likely to be isn’t defending them.

I don’t think she’s wrong about the abortion thing 🤷🏻‍♀️ What contraception she does or doesn’t use is her business, as is abortion. Personally I always used contraception, but I’ve been asked ‘well, what if it failed?’, and my answer was quite obviously (to me, at least) abortion. She answered the question she was asked.

Rude and very unpleasant. I wouldn't be friends with her.

Yes, if it failed, I'd do the same. Many would. I'm not going picketing outside her bedroom so sure it's 'nobody's business'

But how can anyone say they hate children and then choose to risk pregnancy, there is just no reason to with so many options available for free. Unpopular opinion but abortion should not be anyone's plan A for contraception, she needs to sort herself out. She's not 14 years old she's a grown woman.

The fact she hasn't, I suppose, hints that maybe she's not all that comfortable being childfree if she's leaving the option open.

A bizarre character, regardless