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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

3yo DS has no perseverance or resilience. I’m going spare!

61 replies

LowDownn · 08/09/2022 11:09

DS just turned 3. He’d previously always been very independent but this has completely disappeared. He won’t do anything for himself. Won’t brush his teeth, won’t put his shoes on, won’t turn the tap on etc. It’s reached the point where, if he wants to play with a toy, half the time he expects to actually just sit and watch us do it (like watch us complete his puzzles or watch us draw shapes/letters on his blackboard). Even if it’s something he wants to do, he won’t do it. Like, if he wants sweets then he still won’t open the packet by himself. Or, if he wants to go upstairs, he won’t open the door himself - he’ll just stand and scream. Often, he won’t even ask for help. He just screams. Nothing that we’ve tried motivates him to do anything - we’ve tried both carrot and stick (star chart, stickers, naughty step…).

The part that’s really grating is that he has no resilience at all. If he’s doing something on his own and fails just once then he has a complete and total meltdown. He screams and screams and screams over it. For example, he’s doing a puzzle and one piece doesn’t fit where he tries it on the first attempt? Complete disaster. He won’t be pulled out of it or distracted from it. This even continues after it’s fixed (for example, if he’s watching TV and an advert comes on then he’ll scream and scream and scream long after the show has come back on). He’s never been much of a crier, he bounces straight up if he falls over etc - but in the last couple of months he started this screaming and it’s unbearable. If I hear the words “I can’t do ittttttttt” one more time then I’m going to walk out.

It’s so horrible to be around. I can’t remember the last time he was actually happy.

OP posts:
Sprogonthetyne · 08/09/2022 11:18

At just turned 3 it's entirely developmentally normal to not be able to open packets, put shoes on or open doors to go upstairs. Are these things he was previously doing, or do you just feel he should be doing them? Have you activity taught him?

I have a bit more sympathy for the been expected to play the game for them, that stage does get old very quickly. My best suggestion there is just be busy, not in a mean way or even direct refusal, something like "mummy has to fold this washing right now, you have a go and I'll come help when I've finished"

Sprogonthetyne · 08/09/2022 11:21

We were also told by the dentist to brush their teeth for them until 7, my 3yo occasionally has a go, but there's no expectation there and I do them properly afterwards.

LostAtTheCrossRoad · 08/09/2022 11:22

He's THREE! Get a grip, this is all perfectly normal, developmental appropriate, if irritating, behaviour.

Deliaskis · 08/09/2022 11:25

I'm sorry because I really do know what it's like when you're at the end of your tether and NOTHING seems to please them, but your post made me giggle a bit, because the idea of perseverance or resilience in a just turned 3yo is a bit hilarious really! DD has just started secondary school this week and I'm relieved she developed some of both just in time.
At 3 they're just.....they're not really capable of perseverance and resilience, the world is full of fun but also challenges, and they have big feelings and frustrations and don't know what to do with them. I remember taking DD to a theatre performance aimed at toddlers and it was fantastic, but we swore we would NEVER do it again because the hour of bawling and sobbing in the car made it really not seem worth it (we did of course!). I also remember saying to her 'DD you need to walk yourself, you're a big girl' and she sat on the floor and kicked her feet and screamed 'I'm NOT big, I'm LITTLE'! It all feels hilarious now but can be very very hard when it is your 24/7.
I'm not being helpful at all here am I! I suppose my only, and not very useful point is, that I think you might be expecting a little too much. He's growing and developing and he's just not ready yet to process things like trying again, or learning what is right by getting it wrong first. He will though, just not yet. Watching you doing things is great....he's taking it in and learning buckets doing that, and one day soon he will participate more, and eventually do things independently. Deep breath....You'll get through this phase, and it will be OK.

Original poster
LowDownn · 08/09/2022 11:25

Sprogonthetyne · 08/09/2022 11:18

At just turned 3 it's entirely developmentally normal to not be able to open packets, put shoes on or open doors to go upstairs. Are these things he was previously doing, or do you just feel he should be doing them? Have you activity taught him?

I have a bit more sympathy for the been expected to play the game for them, that stage does get old very quickly. My best suggestion there is just be busy, not in a mean way or even direct refusal, something like "mummy has to fold this washing right now, you have a go and I'll come help when I've finished"

He’d been doing all these things for months beforehand. If we say we’re busy then he screams.

OP posts:
Original poster
LowDownn · 08/09/2022 11:26

Sprogonthetyne · 08/09/2022 11:21

We were also told by the dentist to brush their teeth for them until 7, my 3yo occasionally has a go, but there's no expectation there and I do them properly afterwards.

We go over them but he’s supposed to do them himself first. He’s also expected to do them himself at school.

OP posts:
FidginSpinnins · 08/09/2022 11:28

LostAtTheCrossRoad · 08/09/2022 11:22

He's THREE! Get a grip, this is all perfectly normal, developmental appropriate, if irritating, behaviour.

Mostly this. They're learning to navigate the world and people and emotions and all that goes with it.

Three year olds, delightful, hilarious and joy sparking though they are, they're mainly just knobheads.

forrestgreen · 08/09/2022 11:38

How is he managing at nursery?
How would he manage if you started off opening a packet of choc (so it's easier) and left it, and ignored the behaviour.

I'd start by removing all possible games/issues and make the next month super easy for him.

(Has he started a new nursery, new baby?)

Then slowly introduce a problem with a valuable 'prize' open a harder packet that's only for 'big boys' etc and see what happens?

It may be a behaviour he's learnt to gain attention (and you show you love him by helping him).

onmywayamarillo · 08/09/2022 11:54

@FidginSpinnins mainly just knob heads 🤣

That's so true.. sometimes they take a step back and just want to know you'll help them. He might be finding nursery a bit difficult?

Or use reverse phycology and tell him he's not allowed to open his own packets or put his shoes on by himself. My fav was: absolutely do not go to your room and play by yourself
Said with a sort of exaggerated aghast look
Worked a treat

Hugasauras · 08/09/2022 11:59

It does sound annoying! DD(3) is the total opposite in that she wanted to do everything herself, even stuff she couldn't do, which was sometimes annoying in itself as you had to wait until she'd had a good go, got annoyed and then you would be allowed to help.

It probably is just a phase but I would maybe work on the screaming and shouting aspect by just saying over and over again 'I will help you if you ask for help'. My DH has taught DD about counting to 10 when she's angry and also deep breathing, which is quite funny to watch but does sometimes work.

Hugasauras · 08/09/2022 12:03

And it may well be developmentally normal not to do those things but it's just as developmentally normal to do them! DD is 3.5 and has been able to put her own shoes and jacket on, open doors, brush her teeth (with us doing after) and various things for some time. They do that at nursery too; they are expected to put their own shoes and coats on and wash their own hands etc. Independence is strongly promoted. So I don't think OP is being unreasonable in expectations, especially as it seems to be more a case of 'I won't' than 'I can't'!

GoAround · 08/09/2022 12:13

Resilience is the word of the week in my DC’s Y1 class and I had 3 5YOs round last week and not one could open a packet of mini cookies. But lo and behold I was driving 2 out of the 3 home from a party and because I couldn’t help them they somehow miraculously managed to get into the Haribo from the party bags without assistance. You’re expecting far too much for 3. As for the screaming, ignore it. And I’d remove any toys causing particular frustration like the puzzles, because it’s not exactly like he’s having fun with then is it.

Original poster
LowDownn · 08/09/2022 12:25

It’s not an option to remove things that make him scream. Everything makes him scream. Today so far he’s screamed at things like wanting the laundry basket in the spare room when it wasn’t in the spare room, having dirt under his finger nail, his glasses falling off, the pillow being white no matter which way up it was, a butterfly being outside inside of inside, not being able to drink from his bottle without opening the bottle… these were all very long tantrums. Often, I have no idea why he’s screaming because I can’t figure it out. He was never like this. He used to either fix the problem, ask for help if he couldn’t or ignore it. Now he just screams.

I’ve tried every other suggestion but it makes no difference (calmly saying I’ll help if he asks nicely, removing things causing distress, ignoring the screaming etc). He just carries on.

I’m not expecting him to do anything he can’t do.

OP posts:
MuggleMe · 08/09/2022 12:30

Empathising and verbalising what he's struggling when you know can really help, oh no, the piece wouldn't fit! You're sooo upset it wouldn't fit!!! Hmm I wonder what we could do, can you turn it or maybe we need a different piece. Not remotely guaranteed but did help mine.

Original poster
LowDownn · 08/09/2022 12:32

MuggleMe · 08/09/2022 12:30

Empathising and verbalising what he's struggling when you know can really help, oh no, the piece wouldn't fit! You're sooo upset it wouldn't fit!!! Hmm I wonder what we could do, can you turn it or maybe we need a different piece. Not remotely guaranteed but did help mine.

Thank you but we’ve tried this. This is what we used to do if he got frustrating before we hit this relentless screaming stage. Now it’s just met with screaming.

OP posts:
Original poster
LowDownn · 08/09/2022 12:32

*got frustrated, not frustrating

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 08/09/2022 12:34

It is likely a very annoying phase as at 3 they start to discover they have the power to do or not do and start to wield it like mini dictators, but since he was very capable recently I would rule out a couple of things…

Is he in pain (mine were like this when they had an ear infection as their ears hurt and they couldnt hear well..and had very few outward symptoms)

Are his glasses the correct prescription, his eyesight might have changed.

So spin him past the GP (or give him a dose of calpol and see if he is more settled an hour later) and go to the optician.

How is his sleep? Is he over tired?

Anything else new or changed in his life..nursery, friends, siblings, parent away or home more or less etc etc

Is he any better if you tell him not to do something or if you bribe him? If so it would suggest that this is a phase and you need to grit your teeth and wait it out (and only use the bribes when completely essential)

Good luck, they dont call them threenagers in jest

SeaToSki · 08/09/2022 12:38

Also, how are his language skills, can he talk enough so he can tell you what is the problem… lack of accessible language is a key trigger for screaming at this age.

I would have ‘I cant hear what you are saying because you are screaming, when you can talk to me nicely we will fix the problem’ on repeat..and then walk away. Might take a week but it should get through if this is just a phase…and then make a really big deal of him if he uses his words rather than screaming (even if it means helping him with something he previously did himself) and then you can slowly scaffold him back to doing it himself

Original poster
LowDownn · 08/09/2022 12:38

There’s nothing to suggest he’s ill. Glasses were checked about a month ago. I’ll try some calpol just in case. He’s sleeping and eating fine.

DD is 6 weeks old. This started just before she was born though. Holding her or helping to change her is the only thing he’ll do without screaming.

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 08/09/2022 12:39

How does he cope at nursery/preschool.

Have there been any changes at home, new class at nursery. New baby?

forrestgreen · 08/09/2022 12:39

Then it's the new baby! Screaming is a way to get your attention. Not being able to do something is like being a baby again, getting more attention

Original poster
LowDownn · 08/09/2022 12:40

SeaToSki · 08/09/2022 12:38

Also, how are his language skills, can he talk enough so he can tell you what is the problem… lack of accessible language is a key trigger for screaming at this age.

I would have ‘I cant hear what you are saying because you are screaming, when you can talk to me nicely we will fix the problem’ on repeat..and then walk away. Might take a week but it should get through if this is just a phase…and then make a really big deal of him if he uses his words rather than screaming (even if it means helping him with something he previously did himself) and then you can slowly scaffold him back to doing it himself

His language is fine, he’s very capable of communicating when he wants to. We’ve tried your suggestion. It makes no difference. Honestly, I don’t think he even notices if we’re there or not or anything we say or do. He just runs around screaming.

OP posts:
Ace56 · 08/09/2022 12:42

forrestgreen · 08/09/2022 12:39

Then it's the new baby! Screaming is a way to get your attention. Not being able to do something is like being a baby again, getting more attention

Agree with this. I think it’s attention-seeking behaviour. Do you have much one to one time with him away from the baby?

CandyLeBonBon · 08/09/2022 12:42

He's 3. It's common. And a new sibling can make this worse. He knows screaming gets your attention.

Fizzgigg · 08/09/2022 12:43

forrestgreen · 08/09/2022 12:39

Then it's the new baby! Screaming is a way to get your attention. Not being able to do something is like being a baby again, getting more attention

Totally this. He's feel displaced and nervous and overwhelmed and is regressing to get your attention even if he doesn't know that's what he's doing.