Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

3yo DS has no perseverance or resilience. I’m going spare!

61 replies

LowDownn · 08/09/2022 11:09

DS just turned 3. He’d previously always been very independent but this has completely disappeared. He won’t do anything for himself. Won’t brush his teeth, won’t put his shoes on, won’t turn the tap on etc. It’s reached the point where, if he wants to play with a toy, half the time he expects to actually just sit and watch us do it (like watch us complete his puzzles or watch us draw shapes/letters on his blackboard). Even if it’s something he wants to do, he won’t do it. Like, if he wants sweets then he still won’t open the packet by himself. Or, if he wants to go upstairs, he won’t open the door himself - he’ll just stand and scream. Often, he won’t even ask for help. He just screams. Nothing that we’ve tried motivates him to do anything - we’ve tried both carrot and stick (star chart, stickers, naughty step…).

The part that’s really grating is that he has no resilience at all. If he’s doing something on his own and fails just once then he has a complete and total meltdown. He screams and screams and screams over it. For example, he’s doing a puzzle and one piece doesn’t fit where he tries it on the first attempt? Complete disaster. He won’t be pulled out of it or distracted from it. This even continues after it’s fixed (for example, if he’s watching TV and an advert comes on then he’ll scream and scream and scream long after the show has come back on). He’s never been much of a crier, he bounces straight up if he falls over etc - but in the last couple of months he started this screaming and it’s unbearable. If I hear the words “I can’t do ittttttttt” one more time then I’m going to walk out.

It’s so horrible to be around. I can’t remember the last time he was actually happy.

OP posts:
MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 08/09/2022 14:39

I would maybe keep him busy ‘helping you’ as much as possible? Could you pass me the cotton wool? Would you mind holding baby for a bit as she clearly likes you the best? Gosh mummy is so tired, could you give me a hug please? Could he or the baby go to grandmas for a bit for a break?

Foronenightonly22 · 08/09/2022 14:49

SeaToSki · 08/09/2022 12:34

It is likely a very annoying phase as at 3 they start to discover they have the power to do or not do and start to wield it like mini dictators, but since he was very capable recently I would rule out a couple of things…

Is he in pain (mine were like this when they had an ear infection as their ears hurt and they couldnt hear well..and had very few outward symptoms)

Are his glasses the correct prescription, his eyesight might have changed.

So spin him past the GP (or give him a dose of calpol and see if he is more settled an hour later) and go to the optician.

How is his sleep? Is he over tired?

Anything else new or changed in his life..nursery, friends, siblings, parent away or home more or less etc etc

Is he any better if you tell him not to do something or if you bribe him? If so it would suggest that this is a phase and you need to grit your teeth and wait it out (and only use the bribes when completely essential)

Good luck, they dont call them threenagers in jest

I was wondering this too. Is he not wel/rundown or tired? eating well?

Catch21 · 08/09/2022 15:21

I agree it's the new baby. It may have started before she was born but it was obvious that changes were on the way. Hang in there OP, this too will pass!

10HailMarys · 08/09/2022 16:37

LowDownn · 08/09/2022 12:38

There’s nothing to suggest he’s ill. Glasses were checked about a month ago. I’ll try some calpol just in case. He’s sleeping and eating fine.

DD is 6 weeks old. This started just before she was born though. Holding her or helping to change her is the only thing he’ll do without screaming.

I think it's highly likely that he's been unsettled by no longer being the baby of the family and everyone's main focus. You say it started 'just before' his sister was born - well, yeah, because he knew the new arrival was imminent, he was worried/jealous and he didn't know how to express that so he started acting up.

He also sees that his baby sister screams immediately whenever she's tired/hungry/hot/cold/lonely/vaguely dissatisfied or bored and that it works. She has everything done for her, all the time, because she screams and kicks up a fuss, and then she gets soothed and cooed over and given what she wants. Obviously you know that this is because she is a baby, but your DS is probably less able to rationalise that, because he's three. Your daughter can passively control you all the time without anyone trying to argue or reason with her. Your DS is attempting to find out if he can do the same. |He's probably feeling really insecure and irritable.

LittleMG · 08/09/2022 17:03

Has anything happened at home? My son was similar when our second son came along. He did snap out of it after a couple of months

hiredandsqueak · 08/09/2022 17:13

Oh he feels pushed out by the new baby so he's showing you the only way he knows. He wants you to do things for him because you do everything for the baby. He's just a sad little boy. Stop with the star charts and naughty step and just shower him with mothering. When he's feeling secure again he will start asserting his independence.

LimeTreeGrove · 08/09/2022 17:17

Mine are 15 and 18 now but dd1 was 2.5 when dd2 was born and that time of having a baby and toddler was far and away the hardest time for me of parenting. I'm sure you're doing well op.

chouxpetitfilous · 08/09/2022 17:28

My eldest had only just turned 2 when my youngest was born.

He went through a regression stage where he wanted to have a bottle and a baby blanket and baby toys.

My guess is he wants some reassurance. I would try to do babyish things.

Swaddle him in a towel and cuddle him like a baby. Talk to him about when he was a baby. Demonstrate the games you used to play with him in quiet moments, for example peek a boo.
Play knee games like horesey. Make sure bedtime is really nurturing, cuddling quiet time, maybe a sucky bottle (like a sports cap) for his night time drink.

Just some ideas.

noclothesinbed · 08/09/2022 17:33

LowDownn · 08/09/2022 12:38

There’s nothing to suggest he’s ill. Glasses were checked about a month ago. I’ll try some calpol just in case. He’s sleeping and eating fine.

DD is 6 weeks old. This started just before she was born though. Holding her or helping to change her is the only thing he’ll do without screaming.

There's your answer right there. He is demanding the full attention back from the baby without doubt. His protesting to having to share all the fuss and focus. I would ignore the screaming and walk out of the room. I'd say when you stop screaming I will talk to you

Hoppinggreen · 08/09/2022 17:40

SalviaOfficinalis · 08/09/2022 13:59

I always remember something I read on here - bringing a new baby home is like your DH bringing a new wife home and saying she’s here to stay.

And not only are you supposed to be pleased about it but you are supposed to share all your stuff with her

FantasylandEnthusiast · 08/09/2022 17:40

Ffs drip feed of the century - obviously the impending arrival and actual arrival of a baby is going to throw him! He doesn't have your full attention anymore, and he wants to have everything done for him the way the baby does!
Cut him some slack, he is only 3 years old! He's also probably picking up that you're irritated by him which is going to make him scream out for more attention.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread