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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what happened with him

89 replies

Jemnifwlcraig · 07/09/2022 18:57

So i started chatting to a guy OLD. I recently broke up with someone so we mainly sexted and spoke on phone. The direction was sexual but he also said some endearing stuff like he wanted to make sure when we met it wouldn’t just be a “meaningless fuck”. We talked about loads of stuff and seemed to have a lot in common. Anyway we finally met up had sex and then I kinda stepped back and he did message but it doesn’t feel
like before. So I asked him if he’s still interested and he messaged back straight away but just kisses (xxx). So I didn’t reply as my gut feeling is he’s trying to slow fade. The last time he texted was on sat and I expected him to text again by now but he hasn’t. What do you think happened? Shall I leave it and am I right thinking it is slow fade?

OP posts:
mcmooberry · 07/09/2022 20:16

probably*

Original poster
Jemnifwlcraig · 07/09/2022 20:22

But we did also talk about other stuff, like our day, hobbies music etc

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 07/09/2022 20:23

He wanted a shag

Original poster
Jemnifwlcraig · 07/09/2022 20:23

@mcmooberry
true but when I asked I guess you’re not interested he just wrote XXX rather than answering the question so I didn’t really because of that.

OP posts:
Zerrin13 · 07/09/2022 20:32

Next time, dont sext with a stranger. You are just giving out a very clear message that you are up for it. Also, next time, dont shag strangers either. It rarely ends well.

Thereisnolight · 07/09/2022 20:35

Only shag someone on the first date if all you want is a shag.

AryaStarkWolf · 07/09/2022 20:37

hattie43 · 07/09/2022 20:07

Nope not at all . I don't know a single bloke whose spoken with respect about an immediate lay , that's all they want and if someone gives it up that easily they assume she does it with everyone else . Bottom line he's not in touch

Show quote history

I slept with my DH on the first date and he married me 😵😅 honestly couldn't give a shit about any guy who thought of women that way and wouldn't want anything longterm with a man who had such double standards for men and women. I'd rather be single

MaturingLikeCheese · 07/09/2022 20:42

mcmooberry · 07/09/2022 20:16

I think if you didn't reply to his last texts he is probable assuming its you who isn't interested?

This

Original poster
Jemnifwlcraig · 07/09/2022 20:42

@MaturingLikeCheese
i guess I was hoping if he was interested he’d still text

OP posts:
Petrar · 07/09/2022 20:43

hattie43 · 07/09/2022 20:07

Nope not at all . I don't know a single bloke whose spoken with respect about an immediate lay , that's all they want and if someone gives it up that easily they assume she does it with everyone else . Bottom line he's not in touch

Show quote history

I shagged my husband on our very first date, I did wonder why he ‘gave it up’ so easily.

AryaStarkWolf · 07/09/2022 20:43

Petrar · 07/09/2022 20:43

I shagged my husband on our very first date, I did wonder why he ‘gave it up’ so easily.

Show quote history

😂

Hummingturd · 07/09/2022 20:46

Talked about sex with a stranger
Sexted with a stranger
Stranger used coarse language to describe having sex with me
Had sex with a stranger upon our first meet

Now confused that stranger and I only had sex and nothing more has progressed from this sex-based encounter

Really? You can't see it OP?

Original poster
Jemnifwlcraig · 07/09/2022 20:48

@Hummingturd
true just surprised as he said he was single as it was hard to find someone he was compatible with sexually and we had similar desires

OP posts:
SunnyD44 · 07/09/2022 20:50

Anyway we finally met up had sex and then I kinda stepped back and he did message but it doesn’t feel like before.

So you were the one who stepped back?
Then of course you are BU!

FYI if you’ve not even met yet and you’re already talking about sex, then it’s obvious he’s only after one thing.

Newusernameaug · 07/09/2022 20:51

But you’re blowing him out?? Not the other way round!

SpinningFloppa · 07/09/2022 20:53

It’s great when people say they slept with their husband on the first night blah blah but let’s not act like that happens often, it’s the exception sext a stranger,
meet up sleep with him on the first night 9
times out of 10 it’s only going to be a shag and probably never hear from him again

SunnyD44 · 07/09/2022 20:53

I shagged my husband on our very first date, I did wonder why he ‘gave it up’ so easily.

Of course there will be couples who did have sex on the first date and had a long, loving relationship.

But you know that if someone is on OLD to find sex and they’re talking about sex before you’ve even met.
Then it’s probably safe to say he’s not looking for a serious relationship.

UrghBlahBlahBleugh · 07/09/2022 20:55

I'm just hre echo the last few posts above me ^

All sex orientated communication/actions and YOU stepped back. I don't get why you don't understand that this hasn't moved into anything more than a ONS

something2say · 07/09/2022 20:55

The thing is, having sex is an intimate act. It requires trust. But you don't have that trust. You put yourself in a vulnerable position by having sex so quickly with someone you don't really know. You backed off, he's backed off. You're a little hurt and disappointed. It wouldn't have been as bad if you'd not slept with him. That's why people tend not to do it, or learn not to do it.

A lot of people do do it though. I did it when I was young, once or twice. I would not do it now. One thing - not doing it so quickly really builds it up for when it does happen! But more, I would not be so intimate with someone I don't know.

I'd say, learn from this. If you want regular sex, take your time to find someone good and safe and trustworthy who shows you respect.

sammylady37 · 07/09/2022 20:56

Jemnifwlcraig · 07/09/2022 20:42

@MaturingLikeCheese
i guess I was hoping if he was interested he’d still text

For goodness sake. You said you haven’t replied to his texts- plural. What do you expect him to do, keep texting into the ether and leave himself open to accusations of harassment? Stop playing games. Reply to his messages if you want to remain in contact. It’s not complicated.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 07/09/2022 21:07

If a man really likes you, he'll do anything.

Having said that - YOU pulled back after your date. So it's possible he's thinking, the sex was great but clearly you're not that interested and he's got other irons in the fire so why bother if you're clearly not?

It is so childish to 'test' a person by not texting back. Just send the guy and message and take it from there. If you're not into him, then just block him.

hashbrownsandwich · 07/09/2022 21:12

Is his name Chris?

Original poster
Jemnifwlcraig · 07/09/2022 21:15

@hashbrownsandwich
no

OP posts:
MsJinks · 07/09/2022 21:22

He didn’t want a totally meaningless shag but he did just want a pleasant shag IMO - because of this and the sexting pre meet up it was in fact all focussed on having sex not dating or starting a relationship- though he may well have thought about potential of further no strings sex. He doesn’t want to feel bad about himself and to be fair sex may feel less clinical? if you both pretend it’s not really meaningless in the moment of doing it - if that makes sense.
I think those that end up having sex on first date and continue into a relationship start with much more focussing on meeting and the date and what you’ll be doing - then the sex may be an added bonus - this seemed to start the other way round with the sex being the whole reason for the meet up.
Nothing wrong whatever you do as long as you are wanting that - but at least now you can be aware going forwards and make a choice of what you’re looking for, and if it’s more than sex maybe cut the sex chat till later. For me I just stop messaging when the questions start after 2-3 messages usually but sometimes straight off.
Better luck next time OP

LeaveIt · 07/09/2022 21:35

sammylady37 · 07/09/2022 20:56

For goodness sake. You said you haven’t replied to his texts- plural. What do you expect him to do, keep texting into the ether and leave himself open to accusations of harassment? Stop playing games. Reply to his messages if you want to remain in contact. It’s not complicated.

Show quote history

What Sammylady said. How many times does he have to text you before you’ll respond? You can’t have it both ways, ignore his texts but also worry that he’s fading you.

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