To expect DH to not drink alcohol during the week?

[Jules198]

How much do you drink / days you drink?
i barely drink, probably once a year or so. It doesnt bother me. Im getting annoyed by partner constantly having a drink of alcohol in his hand when hes at home. Am i right to be annoyed or should i let it go?

background to this is- he drinks pretty much daily, sometimes will go mon- weds no drinking. Would drink around 4 cans a day mon - weds, then 4 cans plus 2 pub pints thurs and fri. Saturday & Sundays he drinks from around 130pm to 10/11pm beer and wine. He holds down a job during the week day. Hes overweight, unfit and approaching 50. No health issues so far.

im annoyed he is not available for parenting and i end up doing the majority. Im fed up quite frankly. When i try to have a conversation about it, he doesnt listen and gets defensive. Last night i left to go to a class. He didnt have alcohol in. I got home, no empty cans on the side. Great i thought, but then i brushed past him and could smell it. I put my youngest to bed and she told me daddy had gone to the shop across the road and bought 6 cans. I asked how she knew it was 6 and not 4 but she said, i counted 3 on one side. How do i tackle this. I know Its not good for kids to see and be around and horrible for me and him as were drifting apart, not sure i want to get it back, sadly, as i feel he takes up too much head space with all this lieing/drinking/sneaking.

The issue isn't how much he's drinking (though it is at a very unhealthy level) but the fact that it is affecting your relationship and his ability to function in the family. That in itself classifies this as an alcohol problem.

But you can't make him stop. You can only change how you respond to it. You have children, so protecting them has to come first. I suggest you contact Al-Anon or Smart Friends and Family for advice and support and then decide what you want the outcome to be, bearing in mind that he will not stop drinking unless he wants to.

Ignore all the voices saying this is all fine and normal - it isn't. My late husband escalated from drinking like this to drinking north of 100 units a day. He died aged 58 from alcohol related heart disease, but not before spiralling and making our lives a living hell. In all seriousness - start accepting that this may be the end of your relationship.

As someone who has a glass or two of wine most evenings, I'll admit from the title I though that you were going to be unreasonable and trying to control your husband, but honestly, it does sound like he is drinking a lot from the amount you say. If he's really drinking that much, it seems like all he does with his life is work and then drink. I agree with other posters who are saying he might have a problem.

He’s an alcoholic and a crap Dad. If he didn’t cut down on his drinking I’d leave, I wouldn’t want my children brought up in a home like that.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. Ive read all responses

Even if the recommended units are rather arbitrary, drinking 4+ cans a day and drinking all day at weekends is damaging to health. Where do you live?

OP you are right to be worried. The hiding of the cans that you mention is an especially bad sign. I think Al-Anon would be helpful to you.

If he's not pulling his weight and getting defensive, he has a problem.
It's easy for me to say though, I drink maybe three or four times a year

That does sound like a lot and could be impacting their health so you are right to be worried. @nutellachurro hopefully you aren’t overweight and your kids don’t see you eating loads of sugar or processed food or just basically being overweight (also extremely bad for the liver and can cause fatty liver and problems) , I agree with you on not normalising being drunk in front of kids as that is horrible but a glass of wine with food is fine for kids to see, normal- a bottle not so much.
Mn is full of plp who are horrified by people who drink too much (fair enough ) but are fine about plp who are overweight and overeating ( also extremely bad for the health) . It does sound like he drinks too much but a lot of plp commenting will be overweight which is also v bad for your health and not a good example for your dcs.

You cannot compare the two things, it isn't just about health.

Overweight people don't tend to use that as a reason for not participating in family life or doing childcare.
Overweight people don't tend to slur their words or get aggressive or have their mental faculties impaired on a regular basis.
Overweight people can safely look after children, drive cars, respond appropriately in an emergency. Drunk people can't.

I have close personal experience of this in and I’m afraid your DH is a problem drinker. His drinking is causing problems for him and the rest of you. I would advise you to talk to a counsellor or Al Anon. You can’t fix it or change it sadly but you can take care of you. Apart from anything else you must be in sole control of the kids every evening and weekend… it’s exhausting. I highly suspect he’s drinking more than you think too. Take care x

That is a huge amount of booze every week!!

I couldn’t live with a partner who drank that much. DH tends to have 2 drinks on Wednesdays after footy, and a couple of drinks each on Friday and Saturday. But absolute max at weekend would be 4 and not if driving the next morning.

No, but you can decide not to Co parent with them

I was expecting you to say a glass of wine an evening and for me to say YABU. But yes, with what you've said YANBU - growing up like this is no fun.

Also going to the shop to get cans? That desperate he had to leave kids at home to go and get more alcohol and drink?

Its excessive and the fact that when you initially came home and saw no cans on the side made you feel relived just shows the impact this is having on your life.

“Its excessive and the fact that when you initially came home and saw no cans on the side made you feel relived just shows the impact this is having on your life.”

yeah it takes up a lot of head space. I hate that it does

I think youd AIBU title is misleading. I would not like someone telling me when they expect me to drink or not.

Your issue is that your husband has an alcohol dependency. It must be very expensive and it must be ruining his health (or it will at some point) even if he is ok now. He lies to you and hides alcohol. That's not just having a drink in the week. The 9 hours straight drinking at the weekend is awful, it must mean he completely checks out of family life for most of the weekend (plus the hangover).

I think you need to leave, have a look at other threads on here from people married to alcoholics, it always ends up that way in the end. And contact al anon for support

Sorry i must sound stupid for putting up with this and even asking the question. I have to say that whilst we met when we were younger and going out for drinks socialising was a thing. We talked about life and said drinking would tail off when we settled down. For me it did, for him obviously not. If anything, its worse now. Its ever so slowly crept up to be this amount and frequency.

if i talk to him about this, he gets very defensive. Says im blowing it out of proportion. He drinks no more than anyone else.. ive said ultimations in the past but not followed through with them. Ive just had enough.

Thanks for all responses.

You don't sound stupid, you sound like someone who is coming to realise their husband is betraying rhem, and is putting another love, alcohol, before the wife and family he should be priotitising. He is steadily, cruelly abandoning you all for darling beer, while gaslighting you to say he was only chatting to the can and not going all the way to soaked, every night, and anyway a man is allowed a little beer flirt occasionally.

It's really not that different to him having an affair is it? Only worse, because his affair partner is bent on slowly killing him.

I'm sure he knows exactly what he is doing in some part of his mind, but also, he may be experiencing very powerful denial - and will defend his denial angrily, as you have already experienced.

I am so sorry you are in this horrible situation. Only he can change the drinking, all you can change is how vulnerable you and the children are to his decisions.

It takes time to realise that what is happening isn't normal - don't beat yourself up over that. It took me years to admit to myself how bad it was and then more years before I acted. If you act on a spouse's addiction, you're throwing a bomb into your life. It's scary.

What @ValerieDoonican says is spot on - your husband's first love is alcohol, not you or your family. It's no different from cheating.

You don't need to rush into anything. Take your time, allow yourself to think, find support. As you've learned to your cost, ultimatums don't work unless you mean them. When I finally did, the ultimatum was far more on me than on him - and I carried it through because it was for me and our DDs.

Of course she isn't. He drinks most nights and all afternoon Saturdays and Sundays. Have you totted up how much he drinks?

It is a lot. And he doesn't pull his weight in the house either.

Ive tried Al Anon over the past couple of days. I have no idea what they are talking about. I dont get it. I thought it would be where you could share whats going on but they seem to have a topic? I dont think its for me to be honest. Are there any other groups/organisations anyone can suggest?

I'd try Smart Family & Friends instead. It's a CBT focused support programme that focuses on looking after yourself. I'm not a fan of AA and its spinoffs, though I acknowledge they work for some people. The group I co-facilitate IRL works much more along the lines of SMART and yes, we do focus on allowing people to share their stories so that we can give tailored advice and support.

It may be worth contacting your local council, branch of MIND, wellbeing services etc. to see if there is an unaffiliated support group like ours near you.

Thank you @pointythings i will tale a look 😊

I’ll often have a small glass of wine on some week night, and a couple on weekend, but try to have at least two days off a week. He is drinking far in excess of the NHS recommendation, I think you should encourage him to cut down for his health rather than it being annoying to you.

He's an alcoholic and I'd hate to think what his liver and heart look like!

What is his blood pressure? He needs it checked asap.

He could drop at any time drinking like this.

He'll need help to stop, and to want to. Stopping suddenly can actually be dangerous.

He's married to the drink, really, not you.

He's normalising alcoholism for the DC's.

update, nothing much has changed. Were still doing the same dance. Yesterday he came home with his lunchbag (which i know he hides beers in). Whilst upstairs i had a sneaky look and there was a bottle of wine half left in there. I saw him drink wine on Monday night but there was only one glass left in the bottle on the side. Didnt see him drink more. He must have drank that later that night and hid it from me. Unless he drank it before getting home?? Why would he do that? 🙄

Is he driving home from work?