To expect DH to not drink alcohol during the week?

[Jules198]

How much do you drink / days you drink?
i barely drink, probably once a year or so. It doesnt bother me. Im getting annoyed by partner constantly having a drink of alcohol in his hand when hes at home. Am i right to be annoyed or should i let it go?

background to this is- he drinks pretty much daily, sometimes will go mon- weds no drinking. Would drink around 4 cans a day mon - weds, then 4 cans plus 2 pub pints thurs and fri. Saturday & Sundays he drinks from around 130pm to 10/11pm beer and wine. He holds down a job during the week day. Hes overweight, unfit and approaching 50. No health issues so far.

im annoyed he is not available for parenting and i end up doing the majority. Im fed up quite frankly. When i try to have a conversation about it, he doesnt listen and gets defensive. Last night i left to go to a class. He didnt have alcohol in. I got home, no empty cans on the side. Great i thought, but then i brushed past him and could smell it. I put my youngest to bed and she told me daddy had gone to the shop across the road and bought 6 cans. I asked how she knew it was 6 and not 4 but she said, i counted 3 on one side. How do i tackle this. I know Its not good for kids to see and be around and horrible for me and him as were drifting apart, not sure i want to get it back, sadly, as i feel he takes up too much head space with all this lieing/drinking/sneaking.

The child brought the subject up, not the OP! And this man is having MUCH more than a glass of wine while cooking.

He’s drinking a massive number of alcohol units per week
He’s lying about his drinking
He drinks every single day and spends hours each weekend day drinking
He left the kids alone to buy booze
The child mentioned it to the OP so it’s obviously something on her mind
He isn’t available to look after his own kids
He gets defensive.

This all adds up to a serious problem.

From what you say he's clearly an alcoholic, yes. I wouldn't presume to know how to tackle it but there are presumably lots of NHS or charity wbesites with resources.

It was really important for me to not have someone who drank loads.

I was brought up with an alcoholic violent stepfather and I desperately didn’t want my children to have that

i don’t think you’re unreasonable at all but you can’t put on him about this. The choice is you either put up or leave. He’s an adult as are you.

Hang on, he left the children in the house alone to go across the street to get cans from the shop? How old are the kids?

If he is at the point where he would jeopardise their safety for alcohol then he definitely has a problem.

I sounds like he has a problem anyways though. When did all this start? Has it slowly gotten worse or has he always been a regular drinker?

I noticed when my anxiety and depression got worse I drank as a coping mechanism which started a vicious cycle which was very hard to break. Life and things felt better and easier after a few drinks so I didn't really want to stop. But once I did I realised that my overall mood massively improved when I wasn't drinking.

I'd be worried about what's causing the need/desire to drink.

Ive just worked it out to be around 74 units a week omg that’s ridiculous when the recommended is 14!

just to clarify, the corner shop is over the road. He would be two to three minutes. Thats fine for my kids to be left. Ive done it myself. Kids are age 9 & 10.

with discussing it with my DD, after getting the whiff of stale alcohol, i just casually asked what they did whilst i was at my pilates class. She told me, daddy went to the shop…

Sadly, i do feel like hes an alcoholic. He does not see it for himself

I fully expected to reply that you were being unreasonable and shouldn't try to control what your DH does, but then I read your OP.

Like I say, you can't control what someone else does, but could you come at it from the angle of how it's affecting you and the kids? Would that perhaps help him see that he's drinking too much?

I am fond of a drink and have a drink maybe 2-3 evenings a week.

Your dh is drinking an awful lot. I'd be really worried about his health and pissed off he's not pulling his weight at home.

That would absolutely bother me and it would put me right off him. I drink too, but maybe 2-3 glasses of wine per week, and some weeks not at all, but that is really excessive. It's bound to affect your relationship, finances, his health, your kids view of what being an adult is etc. If he keeps that up he won't be around for you kids for much longer.

just to clarify, we live in a small quiet village. The shop is opposite the house. My kids go to the shop on their own, its that close

I don't think it's the distance to the shop that's the issue. It's the fact that he was in sole care of the children but still felt he had to drink.

err, I constantly drink in front of my DD. Why shouldn[t I?
After they are babies/toddlers, I see no problem.
Otherwise I would never have a drink.
I am never drunk.

OP YOU decide what is acceptable to YOU. Your DH can have a few or alot of beers, if he wants.

This is a HUGE amount of alcohol per week and it sounds like he can't do without it, so he has a problem.

I would worry most about the effect it's having on the children. I grew up in a house with alcoholic parents and it's awful. Really, really awful, and has affected me for the rest of my life. I wish there had been a responsible adult in my life who could have intervened. Can you do this for your children?

YANBU.

His drinking sounds like it has gone way beyond the point where he could tackle it by not drinking in the week. He's basically drunk all the time he's not at work. I don't know what you do about it if he's not willing to discuss it or listen to your concerns. But worrying too that there are people on here that don't see the issue with drinking that much.

You constantly drink alcohol in front of your kids? What so every time you spend time with your kids you're drinking alcohol?

Constant drinking is a problem whether you admit it is one or not.

He has has a drink habit but more than likely a drink problem. Nobody should be drinking every day let alone the amount he is putting away.

I drink a glass of red whine every evening after kids are in bed. But your DHs drinking is on another planet.

To me the issue is not that he is drinking everyday. A glass of wine or a can of beer once a day i find it acceptable. But he is really drinking too much.

He's an alcoholic OP. If he's not willing to admit this and seek help then you may have some difficult decisions ahead.

I expect the issue is bigger than you expect.

If they are everyday drinkers and disclosing this amount then I expect DH will be drinking more.

Try suggesting dry days. One at a time. After a few wks they might be able to have 3/4 dry days.

Do you have a feeling he can't function without the alcohol?

Does he have a history of mental health issues? Do you think he might be self medicating with the alcohol?

His drinking is very very excessive and you are right to be concerned.

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea yes, DD(14) I have bought up alone. Enormously successfully (so far)

Of course she sees me drink alcohol. I have never, ever been out and left her for even a night out (for example) I have thrownmy all into her.

How do you think single parents live? We make our choices.

OP wants to leave? Then leave.

I think it would help to think about what exactly it is that you don't like about him drinking like this.

1 Are you worried for his health?
2 Are you irritated because you just think alcohol is unnecessary?
or
3 Is it because he is actually constantly drunk and you can't have a normal relationship with him? eg Is he regularly slurring, argumentative, loud, silly, incapable or passing out?

I think if it's 1 or 2 that are bothering you, then I would be inclined to say that you have to let him get on with it if that's his choice. It's his health and his preference. But if it's 3, then I would be seriously thinking about giving him an ultimatum. If he's actually drunk a lot to the point where you can see his behaviour and personality change, then you have essentially found yourself living with a different man to the one you fell in love with.

I love my DP very much and I wouldn't actually mind him drinking alcohol every evening - a couple of beers or a couple of glasses of wine, or a whisky before bed, fine. But if he was drunk every evening it would be unbearable - and he's not even an angry/sad drunk, he's quite a cheerful one! I just couldn't deal with him being pissed and silly every night, and I'm pretty sure he'd hate it if I was, too.

Well i am worried about the children growing up seeing this as normal as drinking a cup of tea.
im worried for his health and me being stuck as his carer when it all catches up with him
home finances…in the current situation with things going up, its a luxury we cannot afford in my eyes.
Im lonely. I feel like every thing we do centres on alcohol

i cannot see him changing.

It's the 'constantly' that I was raising. That would mean you are always drinking alcohol in front of your child.
Even a single parent can drink after they've gone to bed or just not drink in front of them all the time.

The alcoholics are always out in force on these threads even if they don’t recognise themselves.

Honestly it’s ludicrous that you even have to ask if a man drinking 74 units a week, drinking in sole charge of the dc, checking out if parenting is unreasonable. I’m not getting at you by saying this - I’m pointing out that your sense of reality has already been eroded.

The fact that your dd mentioned it is a red flag - she’s aware of something at some level that maybe you haven’t come to terms with.

It’s pretty shit being the child of an alcoholic and the gaslighting is particularly damaging. Check out al-anon for family support, or try and find your dd someone she can talk to who won’t gaslight her.

The issue is that he's choosing not to be involved in family life and is unfit and unhealthy as a result of drinking. I have a glass of wine most nights. I also cook dinner, oversee homework, put DD to bed and am generally the same person with or without that glass of wine. What I don't do is leave my children at home alone to go buy wine. I also don't drink so much that I can't contribute to family life.

(although I am probably going to drink less as part of a weight loss programme so on that maybe I am similar to your DH).