To expect DH to not drink alcohol during the week?

[Jules198]

How much do you drink / days you drink?
i barely drink, probably once a year or so. It doesnt bother me. Im getting annoyed by partner constantly having a drink of alcohol in his hand when hes at home. Am i right to be annoyed or should i let it go?

background to this is- he drinks pretty much daily, sometimes will go mon- weds no drinking. Would drink around 4 cans a day mon - weds, then 4 cans plus 2 pub pints thurs and fri. Saturday & Sundays he drinks from around 130pm to 10/11pm beer and wine. He holds down a job during the week day. Hes overweight, unfit and approaching 50. No health issues so far.

im annoyed he is not available for parenting and i end up doing the majority. Im fed up quite frankly. When i try to have a conversation about it, he doesnt listen and gets defensive. Last night i left to go to a class. He didnt have alcohol in. I got home, no empty cans on the side. Great i thought, but then i brushed past him and could smell it. I put my youngest to bed and she told me daddy had gone to the shop across the road and bought 6 cans. I asked how she knew it was 6 and not 4 but she said, i counted 3 on one side. How do i tackle this. I know Its not good for kids to see and be around and horrible for me and him as were drifting apart, not sure i want to get it back, sadly, as i feel he takes up too much head space with all this lieing/drinking/sneaking.

He drinks far too much. He lies. He doesn't parent well.

These are huge issues. I am gobsmacked that anyone thinks otherwise.

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea we live in Spain. I think attitudes to alcohol are clearly different. Much more realistic AND sensible here. A much healthier lifestyle and diet overall.

As for waiting for DD to go to bed... that is funny. 4 year olds go to bed later than me. Let alone 14 year olds.

You eat your cake and I will drink my wine and we will parent as we see fit!😁

@Jules198 Oh god, you poor thing. I can see how much this is upsetting you, and I think your feelings are entirely justified. Your point about the children is a very good one, and the fact that you are lonely because everything is focused on alcohol.

I grew up with a dad who probably drank almost every day. But more often than not, it was a glass or two of wine with his dinner, nothing else, and it never interfered with his parenting, ever. And because my mum can't drive, my dad would also happily stick to soft drinks whenever they went out with friends or if we went for a family meal. By contrast, it sounds like your DH has basically checked out of family life and is putting drinking before his marriage.

If he drinks to the level you've said, that's an issue in terms of alcoholism. If he drinks so that he's not fit, or is not willing, to parent his kids, that's verging on a deal breaker for me. Either way, that much alcohol is causing huge health problems for him and by extension, you and your children. You need to have some serious sit down discussions about it, and maybe get support from outside. Al Anon, maybe? They do sessions for relatives of alcohol abusers.

One drink some (or even most evenings) wouldn't bother me, but that sounds way too much.

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea She clearly didn't mean that whenever she was with her dd she was ALSO drinking. Come on. That was obvious. Trying to suggest that @adriftabroad was drinking all the time was disingenuous.

Does he drive?

It's strange that we all still go by the recommended units in the UK. Which were totally fabricated and based on one man's opinion not based on research

I don't live in the UK and 4+ cans of beer a day would be deemed perfectly normal here.

It wouldn't bother me unless his behaviour changed for the worse etc

It sounds like he drinks too much to put the kids to bed, that would piss me off, if he drinks once they are sleeping that’s less of an issue. That said drinking every day isn’t great but I’m not sure you need him to stop in the week completely. Maybe try to only drink once the kids are asleep in the week and maybe have 2 dry days a week.

Lol

Yes daily

Do your children ever see you drink? I'd imagine most adults in the UK drink so the likelihood is your children will too when they grow up - isn't it better for them to see you drink safely and in moderation than not at all? Obviously the OP's husband is at the other end of the scale and clearly has a problem. OP is not BU.

I can't believe some of the responses on here.

If a man came on and said his wife was drinking 4+ cans of beer daily, to the point that she wasn't looking after the kids properly or doing anything else except sitting around drinking while he picked up the slack, she would be vilified. Why do we have such low standards for men?

You have to have a proper cards on the table, I’m concerned for your health type of talk. From your OP it doesn’t sound like you’ve done that yet?

You can't dictate to someone whether they can drink or not

He's a functioning alcoholic who doesn't realise he has a problem with alcohol. I couldn't live with somebody who drinks that much.

Me too. 74 units a week and people are saying pfft, he can do what he wants, he’s an adult

He's a functioning alcoholic;I'm betting when you say he's overweight that he has a "beer belly" and carries most of his excess weigh on his front.

You say he's healthy but has he has his liver enzymes and blood sugar checked?;he's highly likely to have elevated blood sugar levels even he's not T2 diabetic and an unhealthy liver.

Children who see this pattern of behaviour surrounding alcohol are likely to repeat it as adults;it's been normalised since childhood to them.

If he's constantly drinking when not at work then what's he doing to help you exactly?;he's obviously not fit to drive anywhere;what happens if there was an emergency?

Lastly with the cost of living rising dramatically and the amount he drinks how much money is his wasting on booze each month?;I bet added up the cost runs into hundreds.

I suspect your husband is an alcoholic.

He's prioritizing drinking over family responsibility.

I left a marriage because my husband was drinking at similar levels so for me this would not be OK.

I like a drink, and occasionally I like to drink a lot, but I didn't want my child growing up in an environment where it was the default for people to have an alcoholic drink in their hand when they are at home and relaxing. I grew up in this environment and I knew I didn't want it for my child (or me).

I'm also surprised at the people saying this wouldn't bother them. It's grim feeling your whole home life revolves around alcohol consumption.

FWIW drinking at this level almost certainly means he is dependent.

You probably can't change him if he is as alcohol is always the priority for these people. So in practice you can't "expect" him to do anything because honestly if you try to stop him he will probably go out and drink, or hide it. That's what alcoholics do. But you can and should remove yourself from the environment. It's no way to live.

@Jules198

Call AL Anon for families.

You need support.

The only way you're going to be stuck caring for and cleaning up after an ungrateful alcoholic is if you choose that path.

It is really hard to wrap your head around the need to make a change, but your response to all of this is the only thing you can control in this situation.

An alcoholic will only change if he himself sees no other way to salvage his life. As long as he can bump along and someone else picks up the slack, and he can function more or less at work, he'll keep drinking. There will come a point where it will all start snowballing though. He'll lose his license, start getting reprimands at work, spend more and more family money, pissing the bed, distressing the children terribly, experiencing the effects of a destroyed liver. There won't be money for anything extra for the children and they will be ashamed of their family and their home.

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/aug/03/alcohol-health-government-advice-drug-benefits-morality

But you can absolutely dictate whether they continue to do it while married to you 🤷‍♀️

You aren't being unreasonable. It's not like it's the odd drink here and there, it's A Lot and he's lying about it and it is effecting how he is as a parent and as a husband. He clearly has issues with alcohol and is unlikely to stop unless HE wants to. But he needs to. For his health, for your marriage and most importantly as a father. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and she always, always put alcohol first. It seriously effected my mental health as a child/teenager. Don't let your children suffer through that please.

He’s got a drink problem, and I say that not as a sanctimonious teetotaller, but as someone who enjoys a few pints or a nice bottle of wine myself.

He is consuming ridiculous, harmful quantities of alcohol and he needs to acknowledge that he’s got a problem and seek help.