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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL wants DS to be the rings bearer

70 replies

Illputitonmytodolist · 07/09/2022 12:24

DB is getting married in 2 weeks.
We are not really closed. I moved few hours away and he never met my DS which is now 3yo.

Few months ago future SIL asked me if DS could be the ring bearer. I was surprised at her request and said yes, we will work on it.

Fast forward few months and honestly i do not think DS is up to the task. He is great and smart but also a bit shy with strangers and i cannot imagine him walking along a bunch of people to bring rings to a person he never met.

I told SIL that i think there is a high change of failure. I said that it was better to scrap the moment, or maybe i could bring them.

She did not react well. She told me that i could train him to do it , and for sure 3 yo is big enough to do it, that the wedding was not about me (?) and so on.

AIBU to decide i do not give a fuck and let DS crash the wedding while running away with the rings instead of bringing them?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 07/09/2022 12:27

How odd of her. While it might be funny to let him take off with the rings, I wouldn't put my very young son in a position that he might find upsetting

Marblessolveeverything · 07/09/2022 12:31

"That isnt going to work for me and my son." - end of story - dont put that pressure on your son or you. Some kids love the task especially if they are close to the couple but otherwise that would be a "nope" from me.

Penguinfeather781 · 07/09/2022 12:33

My child would have just screamed and cried and refused to budge from my side. Since he’s my child and not a performing seal to provide insta-moments for weddings, I’d have just said he’s not doing it, end of.

Leafy3 · 07/09/2022 12:34

Well I thought she perfectly reasonable until I got to her reply.

I'd go back with "he's not a dog, SIL"

ApolloandDaphne · 07/09/2022 12:39

Train a 3 yo? Haha. I agree with a pp - you need to tell he he is not a dog!

updateistakingages · 07/09/2022 12:40

Ahhh he is only 3, what the hell does she expect? Tell her to go get her cute pics somewhere else, this does not suit either you or your son.

CaptainSamCarter · 07/09/2022 12:42

Eeek she sounds like a right bridezilla.

I'd go back to her and say something along the lines of:

"He's a toddler, not a performing monkey. If you still want him to do it then we can try on the day but I'm not promising that he won't run away from you at the first opportunity".

Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2022 12:43

She sounds like a collosal bitch.

10HailMarys · 07/09/2022 12:44

It's bloody weird that they want your DS to be the ring-bearer at all if they've never met him. It's not like a ring-bearer is even a standard part of a wedding - usually the best man has the rings.

I also think a lot of three-year-olds probably couldn't be relied upon to perform this task properly on the day, even if they knew what they were supposed to do and had practised it. I've seen a flower girl who was around that age throw a full-scale, lying on the ground, screaming snot-faced tantrum outside a church because she didn't want to walk down the aisle on the day. She never even made it into the church at all for any part of the ceremony and her dress was in a terrible state from throwing herself on to the damp pavement outside.

I mean, admittedly that's an extreme example, but you know!

ahna68 · 07/09/2022 12:45

She sounds awful. My SIL asked my 2yo DD to do this last month - predictably it didn't go to plan at all (she took them ok but then she wanted to explore under the wedding dress...) but everyone found it super sweet and funny. I guess SIL is not a bridezilla

On the day, I doubt she will care if it goes wrong, but annoying attitude!

Antarcticant · 07/09/2022 12:46

Just let him do it - if he messes it up, she can't say you didn't warn her.

MiseryWIthAStent · 07/09/2022 12:48

Train him 😅 tell her you wouldn't want him to start barking during the ceremony

orzoisorange · 07/09/2022 12:48

My 3yo was a ring bearer and he required a LOT of coaxing on the day to walk up the aisle and not retreat behind my skirts, so to speak. It was a knife-edge thing – and he knew most of the guests.

She clearly wants a cute little mini-person in a suit – anyone would do, probably.

A bridezilla like that will probably want a rehearsal – could you do that and it might become clear to her that it's probably no-go on the day?!?

Lcb123 · 07/09/2022 12:48

We have a 3-yo nephew and discussed with his parents if he wanted a role in our recent wedding, such as ring bearer. They said they preferred not as he's quite shy and would be stressful for them if there was expectation. So he was there but no role and worked well for everyone! Just say no, he's too young and it will be difficult for you. Surely the bride can appreciate it's better he doesn't get forced to do it!

HeddaGarbled · 07/09/2022 12:56

2 weeks before the wedding was too short notice to pull out. You’ve upset the plans at the last minute and now she’ll have to rethink it all. That’s why she’s reacted badly.

If you really don’t think he can do it, it’s OK to dig your heels in but try to understand why she’s upset. She is not “a colossal bitch” as per unkind comment above. She’s a woman 2 weeks away from her wedding who’s just had someone throw a spanner in the works.

StClare101 · 07/09/2022 12:58

CaptainSamCarter · 07/09/2022 12:42

Eeek she sounds like a right bridezilla.

I'd go back to her and say something along the lines of:

"He's a toddler, not a performing monkey. If you still want him to do it then we can try on the day but I'm not promising that he won't run away from you at the first opportunity".

X 2

Then it’s on her if it goes as predicted.

JenniferBarkley · 07/09/2022 12:58

A lot of women are criticised for not including their inlaws in the wedding/bridal party, she's trying to do a nice thing. You might have just caught her at a wrong moment, or she thought you were unwilling.

I doubt she'll care or notice on the day if he doesn't go through with it, so just smile and nod. To mitigate the risks, I'd suggest he doesn't have the actual rings on the cushion (no one will notice) so if he runs off it's not a problem for the ceremony. Then either you or your DH stand at the altar so he has someone to walk to, or clear it with the bride that one of you can walk with him if he doesn't want to go by himself.

Giveaschitt · 07/09/2022 12:58

HeddaGarbled · 07/09/2022 12:56

2 weeks before the wedding was too short notice to pull out. You’ve upset the plans at the last minute and now she’ll have to rethink it all. That’s why she’s reacted badly.

If you really don’t think he can do it, it’s OK to dig your heels in but try to understand why she’s upset. She is not “a colossal bitch” as per unkind comment above. She’s a woman 2 weeks away from her wedding who’s just had someone throw a spanner in the works.

I'm not sure "best man has to have rings in his pocket instead of presented to him on a cushion by a 3 yr old" is something most people would feel would be classed as throwing a spanner in the works/require a complete rethink. Ring bearers are really not a compulsory part of the proceedings...

ditalini · 07/09/2022 12:58

Ds1 could 90% probability have been coached/coaxed into doing something like that age 3.

Ds2 absolutely no way, no matter how much preparation and any attempt to coerce on the day would have resulted in me not being at the wedding either because he'd have refused to set foot in the venue.

StClare101 · 07/09/2022 12:58

I do agree though you should have said no a lot earlier.

autienotnaughty · 07/09/2022 12:59

I assume she doesn't have kids? If u think he would be happy to do it (regardless of wether he succeeds) then I'd let him try no one will expect much from a toddler you could stand at one end of aisle and encourage him up. However if u think it would be too much just say no thank you.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 07/09/2022 13:00

I don't like her response, but tbh I would have just said he could do it if the rings are in a basket so he can hold my hand while he walks down the aisle, otherwise he's too shy.

JenniferBarkley · 07/09/2022 13:00

Giveaschitt · 07/09/2022 12:58

I'm not sure "best man has to have rings in his pocket instead of presented to him on a cushion by a 3 yr old" is something most people would feel would be classed as throwing a spanner in the works/require a complete rethink. Ring bearers are really not a compulsory part of the proceedings...

Show quote history

Most brides are a bit stressy a fortnight before their wedding.

Plus, music will likely have been chosen for x number of people walking up the aisle, and booklets printed which list a ring bearer. Of course none of that is a big deal, but at this stage in proceedings she likely doesn't have perspective and is dealing with several other problems cropping up that she thought were long sorted.

ancientgran · 07/09/2022 13:01

Would she let you or your DH walk with him? I've seen little ones do that.

OriginalUsername3 · 07/09/2022 13:01

Don't set your son up for failure. It won't work, he doesn't know your brother at all.

And it's super fake, they don't have any relationship with him, why pretend otherwise.