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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL wants DS to be the rings bearer

70 replies

Illputitonmytodolist · 07/09/2022 12:24

DB is getting married in 2 weeks.
We are not really closed. I moved few hours away and he never met my DS which is now 3yo.

Few months ago future SIL asked me if DS could be the ring bearer. I was surprised at her request and said yes, we will work on it.

Fast forward few months and honestly i do not think DS is up to the task. He is great and smart but also a bit shy with strangers and i cannot imagine him walking along a bunch of people to bring rings to a person he never met.

I told SIL that i think there is a high change of failure. I said that it was better to scrap the moment, or maybe i could bring them.

She did not react well. She told me that i could train him to do it , and for sure 3 yo is big enough to do it, that the wedding was not about me (?) and so on.

AIBU to decide i do not give a fuck and let DS crash the wedding while running away with the rings instead of bringing them?

OP posts:
Unicorn717 · 07/09/2022 13:03

I'd say let him do it and ruin it for her but I know for a fact my son wouldn't have done that at 3 so wouldn't have said yes in the first place. She sounds like a twat

Original poster
Illputitonmytodolist · 07/09/2022 13:04

Yes, you are right, i should have said No from day 1. I thought it could have been a nice idea, and several months ago my 3yo was actually easier to "push". He is now a threenager with very clear ideas.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 07/09/2022 13:05

We had a friend's 3yo as a flower girl at our wedding, together with an 8yo cousin. She behaved impeccably, apart from getting a bit bored after the ceremony during the photos. Tbh, I was getting bored too!

At the time, I said along with everyone else "Oh yes, she's been so well-behaved" and DH and I sent a very nice card and gift to her and her parents to say thank you.

I really had no fucking idea. Knowing more about small children now and owning one myself, I now realise that she wasn't just well-behaved, she was actually angelic and we lucked out by my friend having one of the few 3yos who are confident and placid enough to interact happily with strangers in a situation like that and put up with a long boring ceremony and associated wedding stuff (and actually behaving on the day!). My own DC would never, never have been capable of behaving so well at 3yo and anyone wanting them to take part in a wedding like ours would have been warned that they do so at their own peril!!!

Does your future SIL have much experience of small children? We didn't, but are wiser now. I think you need to explain to SIL that there is a very good chance that your DS won't "perform" as expected during the wedding and, since you don't want either SIL or DS upset, you think it best that he be given a smaller role.

BloodAndFire · 07/09/2022 13:08

music will likely have been chosen for x number of people walking up the aisle, and booklets printed which list a ring bearer

Omfg please tell me this isn't a thing people actually do.

Fuck me.

queenMab99 · 07/09/2022 13:08

My son and his Cousin were page boys, aged 5 and 7, both very conscious of the serious responsibility and overawed by it all, my 7 year old had to be snatched from the ceremony and ushered out of a side door, before he vomited ! Children are not performing animals to be trained.

GreenManalishi · 07/09/2022 13:10

Nope. She's deep in the zone now and has lost her manners. Wearing a white dress doesn't give you the license to order people to perform for you, especially 3 year old people, and it's your job to advocate for him.

I would be really clear with something like "f you will be happy with me or DH walking down the aisle with him, then absolutely we will give it a go. Otherwise, this isn't going to work for us, sorry." And let her take her bride nonsense out on the florist and the catering company instead.

MelodyPondsMum · 07/09/2022 13:11

She's UR but I find it hilarious that you offered to be the ring bearer. That was a bizarre solution rather than offering to walk down with your DS.

Imsupertangirl · 07/09/2022 13:12

The 3 year old at our wedding refused to wear the pretty dress her parents had for her on the day and dad had to take her out as she would tantrum in the church. She’s in a character T-shirt and stripy leggings in the photos. The difference is, we couldn’t care less!

larry4PM · 07/09/2022 13:12

I went to a wedding once, where a painfully shy child broke down during his 'role', because it was too much pressure. Luckily, he was met with nothing but love by all the guests, so everyone moved on with the day and it didn't spoil anything.

Not sure SIL would have the same reaction.

AryaStarkWolf · 07/09/2022 13:14

HeddaGarbled · 07/09/2022 12:56

2 weeks before the wedding was too short notice to pull out. You’ve upset the plans at the last minute and now she’ll have to rethink it all. That’s why she’s reacted badly.

If you really don’t think he can do it, it’s OK to dig your heels in but try to understand why she’s upset. She is not “a colossal bitch” as per unkind comment above. She’s a woman 2 weeks away from her wedding who’s just had someone throw a spanner in the works.

oh ffs how dramatic, instead of the OPs son walking down the aisle, the rings would be in the Best mans pocket, simple!

JenniferBarkley · 07/09/2022 13:15

BloodAndFire · 07/09/2022 13:08

music will likely have been chosen for x number of people walking up the aisle, and booklets printed which list a ring bearer

Omfg please tell me this isn't a thing people actually do.

Fuck me.

Of course it is. Confused Where I'm from, most weddings traditionally took place in a Mass, so there would be a mass booklet with the hymns, readings, vows etc. The inside front cover lists the bride, groom, bridesmaids, flower girls, celebrant etc. Very very normal, at literally every wedding I've been to, including the civil ceremonies.

Wrt walking up the aisle - if you have ten bridesmaids and a long aisle, then you need a piece of music long enough that the bride isn't walking up to silence. If you have a small room and a small wedding party, then a long piece of music just makes it awkward as everyone stands around for the last three minutes.

All logical, normal decisions to make when planning a wedding. Of course, the addition or removal of a page boy isn't a big deal, but the bride is probably in that "Oh FFS, one more thing" frame of mind that we've all been in at one time or another.

Youaremysunshine14 · 07/09/2022 13:18

Are you parents close to your DB and involved in the wedding planning at all? If so, get either of them to reiterate to SIL that DS might not play ball on the day because they are strangers to him and as long as she's fine with that and won't get upset if the wedding is disrupted, you'll let him crack on.

SeaToSki · 07/09/2022 13:18

The only thing i can think of is suggest the bride has a toy car or some sweeties and you tell ds to take the ring to her and she will give him the sweets. It means he will probably (hopefully) run up the aisle with the rings flapping around, but if the bride is ok with that…. Otherwise its a hell no from me, too much pressure all round.
If she wants you to ‘train’ him, at least she could meet him first!

MatildaTheCat · 07/09/2022 13:27

My two were page boys aged 18 m and 3.5. My SIL to be asked me of they could do x, and z and I smiled and nodded. After she had her own DC she cringed. DS 2 had only been walking a couple of months!

If he’s just been asked to look sweet in the pictures I’d bring him along and let them discover his lack of training. He’ll probably amaze you and do exactly as he’s asked ( which will be annoying).

Summerishere123 · 07/09/2022 13:51

Ds was the ring bearer at our wedding. Less than 2 years old.
The big caveat here is that he is our son and was taking them to his dad.
My Dad kept showing him DH through the window getting him wound up so when it was time for him to go down the isle, he ran down and threw the rings at DH. Was cute.
DD however would not have been able to do this.

Hoppinggreen · 07/09/2022 13:53

It will be fine, get a clicker and high value treats and he will be ring bearer trained in no time.

greenhousegal · 07/09/2022 14:00

Whatever the decision is, I would make sure the REAL rings are with the bestman or whatever the protocol is now, and put pretend rings on the blooming cushion etc. Doesn't matter then if he has a meltdown, gets nervy, or refuses to perform for the Bridezilla.

LunchBoxPolice · 07/09/2022 14:02

It’s weird that she asked when she and your brother haven’t even met Ds. She just wants him for a cute photo opportunity, I wouldn’t put pressure on a 3 year old for that

Sparkletastic · 07/09/2022 14:06

Message her saying 'Re: DS and the ring bearing - he's a toddler so not trainable but if you are happy to go with whatever happens on the day then so am I'

Then sit back and smile 😀

bloodyunicorns · 07/09/2022 14:14

Your DB and SIL have never MET your DS yes they want him to play a role in their wedding?? That's batshit.

Say no.

Luredbyapomegranate · 07/09/2022 14:18

She is being unreasonable to make a big deal of it.

You can always hold his hand and take him up though, so it shouldn't be a big deal on your end either.

Hmmmwhatnametochoose · 07/09/2022 14:20

JenniferBarkley · 07/09/2022 13:15

Of course it is. Confused Where I'm from, most weddings traditionally took place in a Mass, so there would be a mass booklet with the hymns, readings, vows etc. The inside front cover lists the bride, groom, bridesmaids, flower girls, celebrant etc. Very very normal, at literally every wedding I've been to, including the civil ceremonies.

Wrt walking up the aisle - if you have ten bridesmaids and a long aisle, then you need a piece of music long enough that the bride isn't walking up to silence. If you have a small room and a small wedding party, then a long piece of music just makes it awkward as everyone stands around for the last three minutes.

All logical, normal decisions to make when planning a wedding. Of course, the addition or removal of a page boy isn't a big deal, but the bride is probably in that "Oh FFS, one more thing" frame of mind that we've all been in at one time or another.

Show quote history

SO pleased we eloped and had a minimalist wedding. Couldn't be doing with all that crap.

Original poster
Illputitonmytodolist · 07/09/2022 14:29

Regarding why i did not suggest to walk with DS: i don't think my presence can 100% guarantee a tantrum free performance. Which will be even more embarassing i guess?

I just want to avoid him having a complete melt down.

Suggestions about using grandpa and grandma are not bad, something we can think about

OP posts:
MotherOfPuffling · 07/09/2022 14:29

Hah! Apparently DM was asked to do something similar at a wedding when she was just a little older. Suffice to say the bridge did not get the item in question without a somewhat undignified scuffle at the front of the church. DGM still told the story 50 years later!

MumChats · 07/09/2022 14:30

Why don't you agree to proceed on the proviso that as contingency if hes not up for it at the time either:

  • you walk down the aisle with DS
  • at a signal, the best man comes to DS to get the rings
I've been to a wedding with young children as ring bearers and it was understood by the bride and groom that the plans might go wrong at the last minute (they were fine about it).

Agree that you've been quite late in letting her know and you probably just need to communicate well. Also to give her the benefit of the doubt she could have been trying to do a nice thing and include DB family rather than picking out your son for an instagram post (presumably if that is her thing she's not going to be short on material for these straight after a wedding!)