SIL wants DS to be the rings bearer

[Illputitonmytodolist]

DB is getting married in 2 weeks.
We are not really closed. I moved few hours away and he never met my DS which is now 3yo.

Few months ago future SIL asked me if DS could be the ring bearer. I was surprised at her request and said yes, we will work on it.

Fast forward few months and honestly i do not think DS is up to the task. He is great and smart but also a bit shy with strangers and i cannot imagine him walking along a bunch of people to bring rings to a person he never met.

I told SIL that i think there is a high change of failure. I said that it was better to scrap the moment, or maybe i could bring them.

She did not react well. She told me that i could train him to do it , and for sure 3 yo is big enough to do it, that the wedding was not about me (?) and so on.

AIBU to decide i do not give a fuck and let DS crash the wedding while running away with the rings instead of bringing them?

I voted YABU. Really shitty move to wait until 2 weeks to the wedding then pull out.

@HeddaGarbled just give them to the best man - the drama 😂😂

I'd tell her that you really can't guarantee that he will get up that aisle without some sort of adorable detour or coaxing or hissing at him etc. And does she really want the entire church to be looking at the 3 year old going "ah how cute" "bless" "they should control that child" depending rather than looking at her in all her radiant bride-like beauty.

If she wants your ds to do it, one of them needs to connect with your ds on the day and see if they can make it work. This is what I did with my flower girls and they were so lovely and cute.

The sweeties is an excellent idea, especially if they are in on the act and can say they’re going to the shop and when you see me, bring this and I’ll give you some sweets etc. Perhaps it could work. But you know your ds.

There is no way my dd would have done this either. She was frightened of men she didn’t know as a young child.

I think your SIL just doesn’t have much experience of 3 Yr olds.

The walking down the aisle is likely to be the tricky part. As a compromise why don’t you sit with him at the front of the church and then at the appropriate moment he walks a few steps to the best man to hand over the rings in exchange for some sweets or a small toy.

Then if he’s not up for it on the day it’s not going to mess things up. And if he’s got a cute outfit on then he might even be bribed to be in a few photos.

My cute 3 year old ring bearer rolled in dog shit as they all waited for me to arrive at the church. Luckily SIL had a change of clothes for him but they weren’t exactly “weddingy”. He then ran into a table and yelled the place down.
By the time I arrived my ring bearer was wearing denim dungarees with a big purple lump on his head and was sobbing on his Mums knee.
I still would have let him do it of he had wanted to though (he didn’t)

My god. You know people who actually print a programme of their wedding service? Wow.

Perhaps the SIL can do a tannoy announcement like they do in the West End.

"The part of the ring bearer will tonight be played by [...]".

Then there can be a big groan as everyone realises the star page boy won't be appearing. Perhaps a couple of particularly fanatical aunties can walk out in protest.

I’d just say no, he can’t do it he is too shy, then perhaps be straight with her “ he doesn’t know you, nutter!”

You'll have a ringside view of the mayhem. I'd let her crack on with her plan, knowing it'll probably go tits up, but step in immediately if DS gets upset.

I would say no. Depending on their ceremony it can be quite a wait before the exchanging of rings and he will be restless.

I'd let him cause havoc 🤣🤣 but I'm a meanie 🙈🙈

I understand your feelings but dont put your son on that position.

I want to say 'let him do it, it's on her if he epically fails' but everyone is quite right, he's not a dog or a performing monkey. If you think DS will genuinely be terrified, tell SIL 'no'. Yes, it's her wedding but he's your son & you do what's best for him.

If they've never met DS couldn't you bring an eight or ten year old ringer and claim he's just big for his age?

I'm not sure what the search terminology would be on google/youtube but there was a clip I saw on facebook the other week of an outdoor American wedding where the B&G were on some kind of raised decking. You ring bearer rather aggressively tipped the cushion before someone could put their hand out and the rings dropped under the decking between a couple of the planks.

If you find it send that!

'Ring bearers' - good Lord, whatever will they dream up next?

I would willingly come along as the evil eye of Sauron, glaring around in circles whilst uttering the black tongue of Mordor under my breath. OP, you could have some serious fun with this ...

Regarding the Wedding booklet mentioned, listing out x and y for the ceremony surely a similar thing is the Order of Service for a funeral?

I went to a wedding once where the ring barer was similar age and they send him down the aisle saying to swap the rings for his favourite sweets that his uncle was holding. It worked. Straight up the aisle an easy handover. Does your son LOVE any sweet or even a wee toy he could persuaded by?

I've been given these at funerals - not in my family, as I'm Jewish and there's no time for any of that, and the service is always the same, but with non-Jewish family and friends, yes.

However, I've never seen one at a wedding, and I have (unfortunately) been to quite a lot of weddings (of many different faiths).

I just found the image of printing programmes, with credits (ring bearer, bridesmaids, make up by xxx, flowers by xxx) unintentionally ridiculous.

Rarely see one at a funeral as the turnaround here is too tight, but yes every wedding I've been at has had a printed order of service. Including my own which was a twenty minute civil ceremony with 36 guests including us.

Brides can't win on here. Anything other than a registry office with two strangers as witnesses and sackcloth and ashes gets disapproval. Guess what, some people like a big party and a big party with lots of different suppliers etc takes a lot of effort to organise when it's not something you do every day. She's two weeks out from her wedding, still at work, getting umpteen phonecalls and emails and now there's One More Thing.

So weird on here that people feel they're superior for not throwing a big party for friends and family (and again, I had a tiny wedding so I have no skin in this game).