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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think you should say thank you for wedding gifts

93 replies

Stripeystrip201 · 06/09/2022 07:57

My friends wedding was 4 months ago. They went all out-save the date cards, professional invitations, very well catered, exclusive venue, musicians, exotic honeymoon, full works, pre wedding photography etc. All paid for by the brides parents.

The only thing they haven't done is send thank you cards for the gifts. No email or text either. I think it's really rude of them.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 07/09/2022 11:53

It's very rude, but I'd also say in this day and age it could be an email or text or call rather than a letter.
I do think for the amount people spend on wedding presents it should be an individual thing rather than a generic group one though.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 07/09/2022 11:58

yanbu. But sadly thank yous for gifts - weddings , anniversaries, birthdays or Christmas are going to be like dinosaurs. Extinct.

I’ve been told people are too busy to say thank you, or send a text or write a card. But they went to busy to ask for a gift/remind you, or to open it and use it, or regift it or charity shop it …. Just too busy to say thank you.

Sweetener12 · 07/09/2022 12:18

Absolutely rude imo, how much time or effort does it take to express your gratitude? I wouldn't take the postal strikes option into consideration either, in this day and age there are tons of other ways to say thank you, Smartshow 3d vids or simple email included.

Lcb123 · 07/09/2022 12:55

I think it's very rude. We got married in April, and asked the photographer to send us a couple of photos within a few weeks so we could order cards and send them out - were all sent by end of May. I was very conscious as I know most of our guests had to travel and stay over for our wedding. Email is fine in this day but definitely should send something to say thank you.

Womencanlift · 07/09/2022 13:49

A year to send a thank you is so rude. Regardless if it is proper etiquette or not (I don’t believe it is) I would be pretty insulted that my effort to attend your wedding wasn’t thanked for 12 months

I don’t buy the “we were waiting on photos” excuse. Say thank you (blank thank you card, Facebook, text, email, etc) straight away and then if you insist on sending a photo then you can later.

Although I doubt anyone apart from your immediate family would want a photo anyway so seems a total waste of money

Fifthtimelucky · 07/09/2022 14:00

I'm in the old fashioned camp and expect to thank people for presents as soon as possible. I wrote all my thank you letters for wedding present while on honeymoon!

It always worries me when I don't receive a thank you letter for a present sent by post, or for money in an card that is put into a postbox type thing at a wedding reception - because you can never be 100% certain that it reached the intended recipient(s).

As for 'etiquette' I have a 1981 edition of Debrett's Etiquette and Modern Manners which is interesting on the subject.

Weddings have changed hugely since those days of course. It says 'All presents are carefully listed by the bride as they arrive and acknowledged with thanks by her as soon as possible before or after the wedding'. I think it's hard to reconcile 12 or even 3 months with 'as soon as possible'!

Personally my expectations these days are pretty low in terms of thank you letters so it's always nice to be surprised. A few years ago I was very impressed to receive a hand-written thank you letter for a 21st birthday present within 3 or 4 days.

MXThelp · 07/09/2022 14:38

38 years married and I sent a thank you card to every single person who gave us a gift. I agree that it is really bad manners not to thank people.

CornishGem1975 · 07/09/2022 21:02

Okay. I shall crack on with mine this weekend. I've been procrastinating for a while because time just ran away with me and other things became more important (we have 5 kids...I started a really demanding job, no excuse but there were bigger priorities) and then I thought it was just too late. I'll make it my mission to get this done in the next two weeks.

OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 07/09/2022 21:04

Genuine question. There are a lot of brides on here taking on the thank you note writing task. Where are the grooms? Did their families not attend or give gifts? Why are women shouldering this burden?

OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 07/09/2022 21:05

They can’t all be away fighting wars or pulling oil
out of the ground.

Darbs76 · 07/09/2022 21:06

Incredibly rude.

BiscuitLover3678 · 07/09/2022 21:07

Yep! I know people like this but they never say thanks for birthday presents either. Or anything tbh.

mondaytosunday · 07/09/2022 21:21

Yes it's rude. I'm still waiting for a thank you card from my cousin's wedding over 30 years ago. And I was wondering about the etiquette when a friend's present was out of stock (from her John Lewis list) and she was divorced before she got it!
Mind you a few of my relatives didn't give me a present at all for my wedding.

toastofthetown · 07/09/2022 22:02

OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 07/09/2022 21:04

Genuine question. There are a lot of brides on here taking on the thank you note writing task. Where are the grooms? Did their families not attend or give gifts? Why are women shouldering this burden?

Maybe because it's a site mostly posted on by women and people are sharing their experience rather than their husband/wife's. We split the burden of thank you card writing but when I posted above only referenced my thank yous as I don't really know much about what DH felt, other than that fact he got his done before I did! We split it so he wrote for his family and friends and I wrote to mine and based on writing in cards we've had, that's seemed pretty normal.

And (in response to an earlier poster) I use the phrase 'burden' as while I was grateful for all gifts and wouldn't have considered not responding, I considered writing the thank you cards was a burden. I struggle with writing and spelling and so hand writing a pile of thank you cards was a frustrating slog.

KiraKiraHikaru · 07/09/2022 22:07

I don’t really get this tbh. It would not bother me in the slightest. As a PP said, I dint give gifts in exchange for some sort of formal acknowledgment

AnneElliott · 07/09/2022 22:08

Very rude but not unusual. I haven't had a thank you note from the last couple of weddings that I went to.

Gensola · 07/09/2022 22:09

We didn’t receive any gifts before the wedding so couldn’t get ahead of thank you cards and several people have said they will post them/they are making something special and it isn’t ready yet.
I worry some things went missing on the day as there were staff shortages in the venue and the post ceremony drinks were quite chaotic. I have sent thank you cards to everyone who we know gave a gift but quite a few people didn’t get a gift and haven’t said it’s coming later/ we haven’t received a gift or card from them - if their gift is lost what can I do? Thank them for coming and then see if they ask about the gift if any?! What if they just haven’t gotten us a gift, I don’t want to seem grabby!

burnoutbabe · 07/09/2022 22:22

People may mention to other family members that they hadn't heard anything and then the relative pipes up "oh we got one a while ago". That may make them reach out.

Or you could post on Facebook something about "final wedding task done, cards all sent" or whatever. Or if you see them and they ask how you are, mention hands having written as many hand written cards since exam days.

allboysherebutme · 07/09/2022 22:42

I'd ask them, did they like the gifts. X

Chilmark79 · 07/09/2022 23:02

It’s just rude.
20+ years ago DH and I were surprised to be invited to the wedding of someone DH hardly knew and I had never met. The wedding list was pretty steep and we ended up buying something more expensive than was really appropriate in the circumstances. When we arrived at the church it was full to bursting- at least 500 guests, with very little catering afterward. The whole thing made us feel like we had been shaken down, along with 400 or so other near-strangers. And the thank you note for our gift was a generic photocopy, not personalised at all beyond addressing the envelope.
Moral of the story- if you can’t be bothered to write 500 thank you cards, don’t engineer 500 wedding presents from people you scarcely know. And if you are keeping it smaller for dear friends and family there’s no excuse for not thanking people both properly and promptly.

Spacerader · 07/09/2022 23:07

I generally think opinionsay vary by generation.

For example, I dont see it as common for people to have gift registry's, nor do I see it as the norm to send gifts before the weddings, and I never give physical gifts nor does anyone I k ow give physical gifts and find that all the weddings I've been to the couple ask for nothing
Money always ends up being a default, even qhen nothing is asked for(this obviously might not be everyone's experience)

I also see it as quite normal these days for couples to wait for the photos to come back to send out cards, but equally I don't mind if a thank you comes through a text.

FangsForTheMemory · 07/09/2022 23:10

Preprinted cards are naff IMO. Someone bought you a gift, the least you can do is write a letter.

Spacerader · 07/09/2022 23:15

FangsForTheMemory · 07/09/2022 23:10

Preprinted cards are naff IMO. Someone bought you a gift, the least you can do is write a letter.

But they are saying thank you and have acknowledged your gift, thats all thats needed. Even a text would be sufficient

Ooohyeah · 07/09/2022 23:18

Oh dear we sent thank you cards 4 months after the wedding, I didn’t realise we were so rude! We wanted official photos on the thank you cards so had to wait a while. When I give a gift I’m not bothered about thank you cards anyway, I think they’re dated (just like Christmas cards). As long as I get a thank you when I hand the gift over I’m happy.

Manzana · 07/09/2022 23:21

I think it is rude not to acknowledge a gift, my partners relation was getting married and had a store wedding list, so we went for a more expensive gift as it was family, that was 5 years ago and we haven't received any sort of thank you.

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