5 days of silent treatment

[confusedinlondon]

My wife thought I wasn't paying enough attention to her plans for a new haircut and has decided to give me the silent treatment.
This is day 10 of her not speaking to me. I was listening to her but i didnt really have an opinion so I suggested she ask the hairdress what style would best suit her.

She accused me of not caring, compared be unfavourably to her friends husbands and walked back home (we were out shopping).


I have apologised, I tried to speak to her but she its been no use. The problem is that she will say something to me and i will think things are good and 30 mins later she won't reply to me. She'll sit there and pretend I don't exist.

Its very frustrating, she uses silence against loads of people. My parents and even against her family.
I don't really know what to do but I am feeling more and more frustrated by this.

I think 10 days of intentionally ignore me is more than enough punishment

[MadameMonk]

I think this behaviour cycle really needs a circuit-breaker. Chances are she employs this strategy when she’s cross but nearly instantly realises she’s got no leg to stand on and is being unreasonable. So she doubles-down with the silent treatment to avoid taking responsibility and the awkwardness of being wrong.

In your position I would today research and find a good local couple’s therapist. Make a few appointments and email your wife the dates/times/address. Add that if she won’t talk to you, she can explain to an independent 3rd person why this silence strategy is more important than the marriage she’s risking and role-modelling mature behaviour for the kids. Tell her she’s either to come to talk it out with you, or you’ll go alone and talk about your exit.

There’s a good chance this’ll snap her back into normal mode. Then you should definitely stick to your guns and tell her the appointments are still on. It really is no way to live- in this horrible cycle of eggshells, silent huffs, denial it ever happened, then around again you go. She needs to get to the bottom of it, for her own sake as well.

[JimJamJollyWolly]

I could be a better wife to my husband. I sure wouldn't tolerate ten days of silent treatment though. Whatever the state of your relationship, you have both chosen to be in it. That means communicating and treating your spouse like a human being. That's the bare minimum, it's not expecting too much. This is not sustainable, and it can do real damage to the relationship, but worse than that it can do real damage to your mental health. This cannot be swept under the carpet anymore. It got better after she left for a few days? Why do you think that was?

[sorcerersapprentice]

You've got to tackle it OP. Don't put the blame on yourself and say you could be a better husband. This is very unreasonable and damaging behaviour.

[phishy]

People like this never change, they get worse. My sister was like this as a child and still behaves like this in her 40s.

The 5 days will become 5 weeks after the next time she thinks you have done wrong, and then in a few years, it will become 5 months.

Next time she deigns to speak to you, ignore her back. And when she inevitably gets agitated, tell her the silent treatment stops or you’re out of the marriage. And mean it.

[IsJohnReadyToMakeAComeback]

You are not at fault AT ALL. She could just talk to you about what she thinks the problem is..

She is being abusive towards you and you should leave.

[CheesyColeslaw]

She's being ridiculous. I could not give a fuck how my DP has his hair or what he wears as long as he's happy with his appearance. I don't consult him about my clothes or hair either. It's completely unreasonable for her to even be pissed off about it and the silent treatment is immature and abusive. I couldn't be with someone like that.

[AryaStarkWolf]

That's awful, emotionally abusive definitely

[Aretheyhavingalaugh]

Has she started talking to you yet OP? 🤔

[Blueberrywitch]

My mum used to do this to me, it’s called “withdrawing love” and I’ve got to say it really fucks you up as a child! Your children are in danger of being emotionally damaged by her and developing attachment styles that will destroy future relationships in their lives.

She needs therapy ASAP to assess where this coping mechanism is coming from (perhaps her own mother used this technique) and to learn better relationship coping skills so that she breaks the cycle of emotional damage.

Get her to check out the holistic physiologist account on Instagram. A good book to read is “Emotional Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman.

[Blueberrywitch]

@phishy

People like this never change, they get worse. My sister was like this as a child and still behaves like this in her 40s.

The 5 days will become 5 weeks after the next time she thinks you have done wrong, and then in a few years, it will become 5 months.

Next time she deigns to speak to you, ignore her back. And when she inevitably gets agitated, tell her the silent treatment stops or you’re out of the marriage. And mean it.

That’s simply not true. A lot of people, myself included, have put in a lot of work to assess where our attachment styles have gone wrong and develop better methods. Someone who does the silent treatment has an avoidant attachment style, and they can learn to be better.

[Creepymanonagoatfarm]

If she wants peace and quiet then give it to her. Remove yourself and the dc from the situation.. Apply for sole custody.

[oiltrader]

find a new woman

[MzHz]

Divorce her. Seriously

[Blondebakingmumma]

Think about what you are exposing your kids to. They are watching their mum emotionally abuse you. Think hard about that

[Takeitonthechin]

You say you could be a better husband to her, please say how?

[EerieSilence]

This is emotional abuse and you're better off without her. Hate that. Used to know a guy who was a spoiled brat and used silence to control people around him and make them feel insecure. Disgusting.

[I8toys]

My mum used to do this with my dad when they had a row. She even slept in my bed with me when they argued. It was horrible. I have to stop myself doing it with my husband - its not intentional its just like mirrored behaviour I suppose. I know I'm doing it and tell myself to grow up and communicate my feelings and tell him why I'm annoyed.

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

@Blueberrywitch

My mum used to do this to me, it’s called “withdrawing love” and I’ve got to say it really fucks you up as a child! Your children are in danger of being emotionally damaged by her and developing attachment styles that will destroy future relationships in their lives.

She needs therapy ASAP to assess where this coping mechanism is coming from (perhaps her own mother used this technique) and to learn better relationship coping skills so that she breaks the cycle of emotional damage.

Get her to check out the holistic physiologist account on Instagram. A good book to read is “Emotional Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman.

This.
You have two young children, whether you stay married or not - she cannot continue with this damaging behaviour for your children's sake. She needs urgent help.
don't just say get help because that won't happen on its own. In fact if she's igoring you its unlikely she will readily act on one of your suggestions, especially if its an offhand one. Find out where she could get help, set it up and then offer it. Do you have a mutual friend or family member who could talk to her about it? She might take it better from them and listen more carefully since you two seem to have hit a wall.
Her behaviour is dreadful but its about more than a haircut.
It depends if this is normal for her or if this is a new thing.

There are two sides to every story ( not saying you deserve this treatment at all) but the only way you will get to the bottom of what is going on is to get it all out into the open and find out why she does this.
Perhaps its a childhood thing... or depression or she's found it difficult to communicate with you for whatever reason, or you both have an issue over something in the past that has never been resolved. Perhaps its her way of saying if you are distant and noncommunicative to me, I will be the same to you (I'm not saying you are or that you deserve it - merely that it might be the reason she has come up with) I noticed that she interpreted your not engaging in the haircut discussion as a sign that you didn't care about her compared to the way her friends husbands behaved. I'm not saying you don't, but its something to dig into.
You must tackle this for your children's sake.

[fortheloveofflowers]

Its abusive, it's pathetic, and it's done to control you, make you feel like shit and as if you are not good enough.
Divorce her, this will not be good and your children don't need to learn that that is how you get the things you want in a relationship.
Tell her to grow up and get some therapy.

[Moonface123]

Some people try and use silence as a weapon, l refuse to play such silly games, she sounds very immature.

[Poshpaws1]

I used to be married to someone like this OP. Of course everything was all my fault. He never did anything wrong. I’m on my own now but it’s so much better than being subjected to the constant threat of emotional withdrawal.

[IncompleteSenten]

That is abusive, manipulative bullshit and you do not have to put up with it.

[IrishladyNE]

@confusedinlondon

Should add, its been 10 days since the incident and when the silent treatment started and 5 days since she last started a conversation with me.

No way to live, my ex used to do this and it’s a relationship killer. Anyone who does this to me now gets cut off. It’s a really toxic and abusive trait and I don’t want people like that in my life.

[Viostep]

Sounds miserable. Maybe send her a link to this thread and say you need to have a talk afterwards. Will she be open to couples counselling? If she isn't willing to change I don't see how the marriage can survive long term

[Winceybincey]

You say the silent treatment started 5 days after the hair conversation? Are you sure it’s to do with that?

What happens when you try to speak to her? Does she just completely ignore you?

what are you going to do about it? Mumsnet can tell you it’s abuse and tell you what to do but what are you actually going to do? Are you going to follow any advice?

personally I think after a row staying silent for a day or two isn’t abuse as everyone needs cooling off time. When my husband has been vile I won’t talk to him for a day or two because I don’t want to talk to him, not because I want to abuse him, and it’s my right to want to be by myself if I’m upset. After the cooling off and some time thinking, we we talk and sort it out. It doesn’t happen often mind.

but what you’ve described is weird.