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Original poster

5 days of silent treatment

101 replies

confusedinlondon · 05/09/2022 21:11

My wife thought I wasn't paying enough attention to her plans for a new haircut and has decided to give me the silent treatment.
This is day 10 of her not speaking to me. I was listening to her but i didnt really have an opinion so I suggested she ask the hairdress what style would best suit her.

She accused me of not caring, compared be unfavourably to her friends husbands and walked back home (we were out shopping).

I have apologised, I tried to speak to her but she its been no use. The problem is that she will say something to me and i will think things are good and 30 mins later she won't reply to me. She'll sit there and pretend I don't exist.

Its very frustrating, she uses silence against loads of people. My parents and even against her family.
I don't really know what to do but I am feeling more and more frustrated by this.

I think 10 days of intentionally ignore me is more than enough punishment

OP posts:
Yubgftr · 06/09/2022 00:03

My ex did this to me. On the fifth day of silence I told him I was done and wanted a divorce. He soon found his voice then but by then I was done and nothing he could say would change my mind.

People that stonewall you are emotional abusers. You need to divorce this nasty person.

Aretheyhavingalaugh · 06/09/2022 00:16

Give me a break, this can't be true can it? If it is true how have you accepted slient treatment over such a stupid insignificant thing, its utterly ridiculous. I mean c'mon. She sounds like a selfish spoilt brat. Even if you wasn't listening and she felt like you didn't care about her new haircut, then she should have gotten over it in a few minutes. What world does she live in? I'd write her a letter or send her a text citing her irrational behaviour and that she needs to either learn to communicate or divorce. End off.

Aretheyhavingalaugh · 06/09/2022 00:18

This reply has been deleted

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Aretheyhavingalaugh · 06/09/2022 00:19

There is no need for punishment as you haven't done anything wrong

ToTryToDelight · 06/09/2022 00:19

I agree with what others have said. She sounds awful, controlling, domineering and just very unpleasant. Nobody should live with that passive aggressive manipulation.
you deserve better. There is better out there. You can do better. You should want better for yourself. Leave her to her immature games and I’m sure she’ll learn to jog the fuck on.

Italiangreyhound · 06/09/2022 00:23

That is awful, controlling behavior.

ToTryToDelight · 06/09/2022 00:24

If you did stay, it sounds like you’d have to invest in a behaviour chart, some reward stickers, praise certificates and massive fucking “I like your haircut” trophy. I’d also get her some dolls, Lego and crayons to distract her when she’s having her next tantrum.
oh and get a child gate so she can’t access rooms that have any hazards in.

OnceaTwigletalwaysaTwiglet · 06/09/2022 00:26

Ignore the sexisf post from some delightful person above op!
Geeez

ToTryToDelight · 06/09/2022 00:29

Thanks 🥰 I try to delight

OnceaTwigletalwaysaTwiglet · 06/09/2022 00:32

@ToTryToDelight not you! aretheyhavingalaugh

Cas112 · 06/09/2022 00:32

This is emotional manipulation and you shouldn't be putting up with it.

I wouldn't be in a relationship with my partner if he did this

Aretheyhavingalaugh · 06/09/2022 00:33

OnceaTwigletalwaysaTwiglet · 06/09/2022 00:32

@ToTryToDelight not you! aretheyhavingalaugh

I thought that might raise a eyebrow or too. I was only joking but the situation is pretty ridiculous

Aretheyhavingalaugh · 06/09/2022 00:34

Aretheyhavingalaugh · 06/09/2022 00:33

I thought that might raise a eyebrow or too. I was only joking but the situation is pretty ridiculous

Show quote history

*two

ToTryToDelight · 06/09/2022 00:35

OnceaTwigletalwaysaTwiglet · 06/09/2022 00:32

@ToTryToDelight not you! aretheyhavingalaugh

Whoopsie my bad. 😊

JamesMartinsWaistcoat · 06/09/2022 06:22

Flowers to the posters whose parents have treated subjected them to this disgusting behaviour, it's unacceptable to be treated like this by a spouse or partner but your own mum or dad?? That's barbaric Sad

cantley · 06/09/2022 06:28

Can you go and stay with a friend, family member or to a hotel for a few days?
That's abusive behaviour from her.
Leave her a note saying you need a break and to contact you when she's finished sulking.

JimJamJollyWolly · 06/09/2022 07:00

Being ignored can be painful, I have read that for some people it can be more damaging than bullying. It's awful. I have never been able to tolerate it. Argue with me all day long, but ignore me and I'm out the door. I cannot tolerate it.

This is new level dismissiveness as well. How can your relationship heal from 10 days of this type of punishment because of a perceived reaction to a discussion about a haircut?

It is your wife's MO in life. She probably feels that her reaction is justified and is a way for her to display how hurt she is. That is not good enough, she needs to agree to work on herself and her reactions, or you need to re-evaluate the relationship. It is not something that is sustainable, and is in fact cruel.

I personally would leave over this. I just wouldn't see the point in staying, But I know it can be more complicated than that.

Original poster
confusedinlondon · 06/09/2022 07:26

We have two young children.
previously the silent treatment was a monthly thing then it really escalated during lockdown and she left for a few days. She returned a few days later and things have been much better, I can only remember a handful of times this has happened since which why this was a surprise.
I used to react to her silence but haven’t. When she calms down she won’t want to discuss this, she ask me not to mention it.

this isn’t all her fault, I am partly responsible. I could be a better husband for her which is why I don’t totally blame her.

OP posts:
ohthehorrorthehorror · 06/09/2022 07:37

Do you have kids? This sort of behaviour really affects them badly. My mother used to do it for weeks on end. I despised her for it.

J0y · 06/09/2022 07:39

Oh boy that is awful. If you move out you are going to need to be nearby as unless she really has a long look at herself she will end up doing this to your kids too, when they are asserting their own sense of themselves. If she doesn't like that, she'll mould it in to submission.

I would tell her that you're going to a hotel for a few days and when you get back you're going to talk and she is going to listen, as will you.

I have tried to see the other side of the person giving the silent treatment and the advice is usually to make them feel safe....
But ime the silent treatment is meted out as a punishment for daring to assert yrslf.

So some people only feel safe if they're punishing you. If you try to make it a level playing field by means of a conversation, that feels unsafe to them!!

FiveShelties · 06/09/2022 07:41

I could not deal with that and the effect on your children will be huge.

J0y · 06/09/2022 07:44

Ps, so it is silent treatments + stonewalling.
So nothing EVER gets resolved.
As soon as the silent treatment ends, you are banned from talking about it.

I would suggest a marriage counselling session to discuss silent treatments and stonewalling and if she refuses to engage tell her you will have to split up.

ClaryFairchild · 06/09/2022 07:49

Everyone has it in them to be a better spouse, no one is perfect. But there is a big difference between 'can be better' to 'downright abusive'.

J0y · 06/09/2022 07:50

Ps2 I know it's different with a parent but I arranged a communication session with a therapist and my my mum basically said "you go, you need help, sorry you are so troubled" and after me paying for it she refused to go. But she has the power because my dad backs her up no matter what.

Be firm. Be certain. Be calm, so she feels safe.......... that's what the advice is. This silent treatment and stonewalling gets brought before a marriage therapist or there is no marriage.

BadNomad · 06/09/2022 07:53

Oh nice. What are you going to do when she starts doing it to your kids? Tell them it's partly their fault and they need to be better children?

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