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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

5 days of silent treatment

101 replies

confusedinlondon · 05/09/2022 21:11

My wife thought I wasn't paying enough attention to her plans for a new haircut and has decided to give me the silent treatment.
This is day 10 of her not speaking to me. I was listening to her but i didnt really have an opinion so I suggested she ask the hairdress what style would best suit her.

She accused me of not caring, compared be unfavourably to her friends husbands and walked back home (we were out shopping).

I have apologised, I tried to speak to her but she its been no use. The problem is that she will say something to me and i will think things are good and 30 mins later she won't reply to me. She'll sit there and pretend I don't exist.

Its very frustrating, she uses silence against loads of people. My parents and even against her family.
I don't really know what to do but I am feeling more and more frustrated by this.

I think 10 days of intentionally ignore me is more than enough punishment

OP posts:

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 05/09/2022 21:51

I always think the thing to do is to leave them without a word while they are ignoring you. That would drive them absolutely crazy, not knowing where you are and not being able to have the last word.

KittensWearingWoollyMittens · 05/09/2022 21:52

My mum did this to me throughout my childhood and beyond. Didn't know it was abuse til I went for counselling for something else. It messed me up good and proper, affected all areas of my life but especially intimate relationships and has taken me years to unpick it. If I were you I'd leave.

Sunnytwobridges · 05/09/2022 21:57

My stupid ex would do this, he was such a prick. I hate to say it never gets better.

Summerfun54321 · 05/09/2022 21:58

It’s abuse and a standard method of an abuser coercively controlling their victim. File for divorce, no one deserves to live like that.

Sunnytwobridges · 05/09/2022 21:58

KittensWearingWoollyMittens · 05/09/2022 21:52

My DM did this as well to my dad and to me as a child and as an adult. It's horrible behaviour.

sorcerersapprentice · 05/09/2022 22:04

A haircut should not be such a big deal.
What's she like with the really big, important stuff - house moves, family planning, etc.?
I don't how she can put so much emotional energy into relatively minor stuff. Must be exhausting. It's pretty nasty behaviour

PimlicoUK · 05/09/2022 22:04

She’s behaving like this over a haircut? A haircut?! I’d be telling her “talk or I’ll walk”.

Stangerthings · 05/09/2022 22:14

Pack a bag and go and stay in a nice hotel for a few days. Don't let her know, just go. When you get back tell her if she ever does this again next time you will not be coming back. What a nasty thing to do.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 05/09/2022 22:20

I hope you don't have children. If not, divorce her now. If yes, then ask for full custody. No child deserves to be raised with that kind of emotional torture.

Hallowbat · 05/09/2022 22:34

She is emotionally abusing you, it really isn’t ok to put it mildly

TheEggChair · 05/09/2022 22:37

Get rid of her legally by divorcing. Do you have children?

BitOutOfPractice · 05/09/2022 22:40

Ugh I can’t get that aerated about my own haircut let alone someone else’s. This silence is a form of abuse. It’s horrible. I’ve been in the receiving end of it. We are divorced.

J0y · 05/09/2022 22:41

Passive aggressive abuse.
My mum does the silent treatment because she knows that a conversation would expose that she has no real cause to be as passed off as she is.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2022 22:41

This is emotional abuse and grounds for divorce if you choose. It sounds as if you live on tenterhooks and that you have not yet given the ultimatum you will walk away from the marriage if she continues. Did/do her parents treat her like this?

J0y · 05/09/2022 22:42

Stangerthings · 05/09/2022 22:14

Do this, xx

J0y · 05/09/2022 22:47

KittensWearingWoollyMittens · 05/09/2022 21:52

Same, my mother manages to give the silent treatment while blaming me for destroying the family.

She rationally knows the silent treatment is wrong but when she is doing it to me it's different, because... there is only one perspective? Hers. So any attempt to talk it through is a act of aggression.

She has stonewalled me for over 2 years but 100% blames me for repercussions of that. I should have capitulated to her manoeuvres

ChagSameachDoreen · 05/09/2022 22:51

Is she Filipina, and practising "tampo"?

Jadebanditchillipepper · 05/09/2022 22:54

My Mum used to do this all the time - to me, my brother and my Dad. I hated it and it made me feel really awful. I occasionally find myself doing it because it's such learned behaviour when you're subjected to it as a kid, but as I've grown up, I've learned that it's not healthy and that's it's much better just to state what you're unhappy about, discuss it, and move on

Neondevelitionist · 05/09/2022 22:59

She's deliberately just bullying you. No one can give an opinion on a haircut, it's a fucking boring conversation. I'm female and wouldn't even play that game. People are either fishing for compliments or for a fight.

She's nasty and bitchy. Serve her divorce papers, that'll wipe the smug off her face.

Anyway, the other option for silent treatment is just to go on living your life happily as if you haven't even noticed. Off you go to work. Come home. Pop on a film with your headphones on. Attend an online lecture. Go to an evening talk in town. Get lunch by yourself. Live a grand old life until SHE breaks. Then smile and say you hadn't noticed.

Mayorquimby2 · 05/09/2022 23:00

She's a pathetic abusive cunt. Bin her off

Leafy3 · 05/09/2022 23:13

Yes, this counts as emotional abuse, op. It's worth you looking up other forms of controlling and abusive behaviour to see if anything else chimes.

You don't deserve such treatment and it's not ok.

Has she always been like this? While I agree wholeheartedly with other posters who say end the relationship I know its not always that straightforward. I'm also conscious that some women act in awful ways when badly afflicted by menopause...I'm not excusing her behaviour in the slightest, but if this is new behaviour (and if she's never displayed abusive behaviour before) then if there's a medical reason at play how you handle the situation may be different.

I mean, it's unlikely given that you say she gives others the silent treatment and my first response is still to encourage you to leave. Likewise, if she's always been like this but has got worse - then definitely leave.

You deserve better.

BadNomad · 05/09/2022 23:19

She does it because you let her. She's learned she can do this to people, and they'll still be waiting for her when she finally "forgives" them.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/09/2022 23:29

I think it’s abusive. It’s an attempt to control your behaviour by using punishments.

Fuck that.

allboysherebutme · 05/09/2022 23:30

I'd divorce her. X

Penguintears · 05/09/2022 23:38

My Dad did this to my Mum and me growing up (amd still does) over the most minor of things. It has left me with lifelong anxiety. I didn't realise it was abusive until I was late 20s!

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