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AIBU?

Grandparents aren't bothered.

75 replies

Grimed · 05/09/2022 20:20

AIBU to feel angry at my parents for not wanting to spend time with my children. Sometimes I feel like I need to just get over myself and accept them for who they are and just think of it as their loss but every few years I just get so angry about it, I mean they are great kids! They will be adults soon and they barely know them, see them a couple times a year, never ask after them, no video calls or phonecalls show no interest whatsoever. How can I move past this? I realise no one asks to be a grandparents and maybe I'm the unreasonable one. I just want know how to make peace with it really.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

239 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
36%
You are NOT being unreasonable
64%
Letsbekindplease · 05/09/2022 20:28

That’s so frustrating. Has something happened to make them like this? Have you brought this conversation to them and if so what did they say ?

nutellachurro · 05/09/2022 20:29

YANBU to be hurt by this

Your children will also pick up on it which is the worst part

TakeMe2Insanity · 05/09/2022 20:29

You literally come to terms with the fact that they can never be the people that you want them to be.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 05/09/2022 20:30

Mil snubbed us all when ds was born. Apparently she never wanted to be a dgm.
And she bloody meant it.
Her loss.
Was and is her loss... Been over 7 years. She hasn't seen ds since he ws 3 months old.
Less hassle and no pressure to 'share' ds. Lots of mners would kill for such peace!

felulageller · 05/09/2022 20:31

I grew up with one disinterested grandparent I never met.

I never felt a loss because I didn't lose anything?...

But my DC's also have missing GPS.

I do feel that they have missed out. It's sad.

longshaddy · 05/09/2022 20:33

@felulageller how is it her loss if it's something she never wanted in the first place? Just because you adore your child and probably can't imagine life without them, doesn't mean others feel the same, even family. It sounds like it's your child's loss if anything

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 05/09/2022 20:34

Mil snubbed us all when ds was born. Apparently she never wanted to be a dgm

I'm pretty certain that my paternal gm never wanted to be a grandmother, either. My father died when I was 13 and we moved a couple of hundred miles away so mum could find work - when I suggested going to stay with her she said 'we had nothing in common.' Well, apart from her son being my father, of course. Never saw her again and TBH didn't miss her.

Grimed · 05/09/2022 20:34

Letsbekindplease · 05/09/2022 20:28

That’s so frustrating. Has something happened to make them like this? Have you brought this conversation to them and if so what did they say ?

No they just aren't kid people, if I brought it up they would likely be defensive though, they are very much in their own little bubble.

OP posts:
Grimed · 05/09/2022 20:34

Letsbekindplease · 05/09/2022 20:28

That’s so frustrating. Has something happened to make them like this? Have you brought this conversation to them and if so what did they say ?

No they just aren't kid people, if I brought it up they would likely be defensive though, they are very much in their own little bubble.

OP posts:
RoutineLow · 05/09/2022 20:35

longshaddy · 05/09/2022 20:33

@felulageller how is it her loss if it's something she never wanted in the first place? Just because you adore your child and probably can't imagine life without them, doesn't mean others feel the same, even family. It sounds like it's your child's loss if anything

What a nasty post

RoutineLow · 05/09/2022 20:39

Grimed · 05/09/2022 20:20

AIBU to feel angry at my parents for not wanting to spend time with my children. Sometimes I feel like I need to just get over myself and accept them for who they are and just think of it as their loss but every few years I just get so angry about it, I mean they are great kids! They will be adults soon and they barely know them, see them a couple times a year, never ask after them, no video calls or phonecalls show no interest whatsoever. How can I move past this? I realise no one asks to be a grandparents and maybe I'm the unreasonable one. I just want know how to make peace with it really.

YANBU but ultimately by holding onto anger you only hurt yourself. It's easier said than done but you need to find a way to acknowledge that your feelings are valid, acknowledge that you can't change the way your parents are, and then find some acceptance with the situation.

FWIW, I had a grandparent who I rarely saw and who couldn't have been less interested in me. I didn't feel a sense of loss or missing out because I literally didn't know them. I just felt nothing at all. Admittedly I had another set of grandparents who were amazing and with whom I was very close, so perhaps I would have felt differently had I not had any relationships with any of my grandparents.

thistimelastweek · 05/09/2022 20:39

OP, how are they with you? Are you close?

I ask because I just had to love my grandchildren as extensions of the children I adore. It was a small matter of time before I loved them for their own sakes.

I can't imagine it otherwise.

TheUsualChaos · 05/09/2022 20:42

I would find that really upsetting too OP. Luckily for your DC, they have never known any different so they probably aren't as effected by them as you think.

I think the way to make your peace with it is to simply make a conscious decision to give up on any hope of them changing. Have no expectations and give very minimal effort back.

Do you have any siblings? Are they treated the same?

nutellachurro · 05/09/2022 20:44

longshaddy · 05/09/2022 20:33

@felulageller how is it her loss if it's something she never wanted in the first place? Just because you adore your child and probably can't imagine life without them, doesn't mean others feel the same, even family. It sounds like it's your child's loss if anything

Are you ok?

Knittingnanny2 · 05/09/2022 20:46

Yes, just have no expectations, they will never change. My mum was not interested in her children really let alone her grandchildren and great grandchildren.
Everyone is different. I’m immersed in my grandchildren and they enhance my life, I love watching them grow and love playing with them.
what about in-laws? Are they actively involved?

Onlyforcake · 05/09/2022 20:48

Unfortunately I get the feeling all of my parents generation are like this, just not fussed about grandkids. I had lovely supportive and loving grandparents as a child, I feel it is sad but just can't dwell. They'll notice in a few years when I respond the same way to their inevitable growing needs. 💁

Cameleongirl · 05/09/2022 20:53

My IL’s were only interested in my two when they were tiny…as soon as the children could talk and express their own opinions, they lost interest. 🤣

Ironically, they’re suddenly more interested now the children are 17 and 14, and can make more adult conversation. But it’s abit late as the children have seen how differently their friends are treated by their GP’s…so they can’t really be bothered, tbh.

It’s hurtful and difficult to accept, but there’s not much choice. 💐

DeepDown12 · 05/09/2022 20:56

My maternal GM (GD died young) couldn't care less about my sibling and me (was not the same with my cousin). Paternal GPs were something else - an absolute blessing in my life - kind, caring, loving, involved. Natural consequence is reciprocity. Feeling no obligation (nor guilt) now that we're adults when it comes to maternal GM. Still adore and love spending time with paternal GPs.

Readinginthesun · 05/09/2022 20:56

Onlyforcake · 05/09/2022 20:48

Unfortunately I get the feeling all of my parents generation are like this, just not fussed about grandkids. I had lovely supportive and loving grandparents as a child, I feel it is sad but just can't dwell. They'll notice in a few years when I respond the same way to their inevitable growing needs. 💁

I think that’s an unfair generalisation . I am a very involved Granny as are all my friends and acquaintances.
Many of us went part to help with child care , do pick ups , overnights , holidays etc .
The only complaint I ever hear is that many of the parents expect grandparents to do increasing amounts of childcare .

Cameleongirl · 05/09/2022 21:00

Natural consequence is reciprocity

@DeepDown12 It’s so true. My DC are close to people who’ve made an effort with them, regardless of family ties. They care far more

Robekinobi · 05/09/2022 21:10

My DPS are also pretty interested in their DGC. E.g DS first day at high school today and they haven't been in touch. They live locally too but only ever see us if on way to shops and pop in for a cuppa/moan almost always while kids are at school. I feel sad for them tbh, they are missing out on great kids. Luckily dc have engaged gps on other side who seem to enjoy each others company.

R11zz · 05/09/2022 21:16

My in-laws are just like this. We hardly ever see them. They don’t know my children at all. It’s their loss and it is sad but they have no interest at all.

piffle123 · 05/09/2022 21:17

Grimed · 05/09/2022 20:20

AIBU to feel angry at my parents for not wanting to spend time with my children. Sometimes I feel like I need to just get over myself and accept them for who they are and just think of it as their loss but every few years I just get so angry about it, I mean they are great kids! They will be adults soon and they barely know them, see them a couple times a year, never ask after them, no video calls or phonecalls show no interest whatsoever. How can I move past this? I realise no one asks to be a grandparents and maybe I'm the unreasonable one. I just want know how to make peace with it really.

YANBU, this is my ILs (both fit and healthy).

Our DC are the only grandchildren they have but they have never proactively been involved despite living only 20 mins away.

What staggers me is that their own parents were very hands on and MiL would often witter on about how much time DH and his DBs would spend with them.
Also I can still recall them dropping unsubtle hints about wanting to be GPs when we were first married!

When DC were small ILs would only help or in if we were absolutely desperate and even then it was made very clear it was for a fixed timescale.

My 2 are teens now so it doesn't really bother them but it still hurts DH. Apart from birthday/Xmas gifts and the occasional cursory phone call, nada!

So weird and couldn't be more different to my DM, who sadly now has dementia.

Cameleongirl · 05/09/2022 21:22

@piffle123 Same with my DH, his grandfathers died young, but he and his siblings spent loads of time with their grandmas…it’s bizarre that his parents had no interest in our DC- until now, when it’s abit late

johnd2 · 05/09/2022 21:32

Honestly it's a shame, but anger is just hurting you, it's telling you that you need to change something in yourself.
Ultimately it's up to them what kind of relationship they want to create with their grand children, it takes two to want a relationship and you can't make people want one.
Focus on your own feelings and the relationships that you can cultivate successfully.
Of course you love your kids but trust the grandparents to decide what relationship they want.
Take care.

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