Grandparents aren't bothered.

[Grimed]

AIBU to feel angry at my parents for not wanting to spend time with my children. Sometimes I feel like I need to just get over myself and accept them for who they are and just think of it as their loss but every few years I just get so angry about it, I mean they are great kids! They will be adults soon and they barely know them, see them a couple times a year, never ask after them, no video calls or phonecalls show no interest whatsoever. How can I move past this? I realise no one asks to be a grandparents and maybe I'm the unreasonable one. I just want know how to make peace with it really.

Do you see them at all? Do you invite them over?

Has there been no contact since they were born?

it’s more common than you think (sadly). ultimately you can’t change them, so you must learn to accept that it’s what it is, if your kids don’t see them anyway they won’t necessarily miss them as they don’t have any context to compare it with.

It's true @Bretonbear, and unhelpful to the grandkids to pretend otherwise.

I've spent years telling my friend that her ex's disinterest in their daughters was his loss and not theirs. As time has progressed I've realised that's not true. Sad, but not true.

Are you talking about OP? Or the poster you actually tagged? Or (as I had assumed because you seemed to quote them) the other PP who said it was her MIL’s loss that she isn’t involved with her kids? Who do you think needs to compensate and why? I think you’ve just been called out by several people for a nasty comment and now you’re trying to explain it away and not making much sense.

“It sounds like it’s your child’s loss” is indeed a shitty thing to say to a parent who has no control over that child’s GPs deciding not to be involved.

“It sounds like it’s your child’s loss” is indeed a shitty thing to say to a parent who has no control over that child’s GPs deciding not to be involved.

She has control over how she compensates for their decision. The child won't miss what has never been there.

You can't force grandparents to be involved. But you can decide how you react to it.

My grandparents are the have a favourite type. Me, my bro and my cousin were the oldest, so of course we were fussed over. They lived on the same estate as us so I would visit them all the time see if they were good... then my uncle ( who was the golden child) had his son and we were pushed to the side, everytime we went to see them it was grandson 2 this or grandson 2 that. My dad got pissed off with them. They are alcoholics. They’ve met my son when he was a year old but never met my daughter who is 10 next week. I’m going back to my hometown in November with dd so thinking I might visit, I just don’t want another round of them gloating about grandson 2... he was the first in the family that went to uni and he lived with them whilst he went. I’d just drop contact with them... they clearly don’t care as hard as it is.

Sorry you're having these issues OP, can relate as my in laws are like this, blow hot and cold with all their grandchildren (other than their 2 favourites) all over them one minute not fussed the next, and no real meaningful relationships there.They weren't great parents to DH and his siblings,so I'm guessing that's why they're even less so as grandparents.
I am an only child to older parents (one of whom has passed away, although he was quite 'arms length' anyway and elderly so didn't take on a caring role for DD) My mum is an amazing 'model' grandma.I had a very similar grandparent role model growing up in her mum, whom despite being my only grandparent was a very good one, and although I wished my DCs would have had a set of 4 hands on, devoted grandparents, which I never had, sadly life isn't always that perfect.

Do you have a partner, or the children's dad's parents involved? If so are they good grandparents? If they are, focus on quality not quantity, what I'm trying to do.
If not then that's tough...all children deserve one good grandparent...but like PP said sadly you can't force the relationship (beleive me I used to try but it just didn't work) people either put the effort in or they don't.And if they don't, the only real thing you can do is think 'my kids deserve better than that sort of treatment anyway' xx

We’ve been learning to live with a similar situation with my ILs who are super involved with SiL’s kids, but have seen ours just a handful of times since they were born.
DH is really upset about it; we live about 10mins away, SiL lives about 3hrs from them. It’s so odd as he genuinely thought they’d be treated all the same and he can’t understand their reasoning.

I’m sad for DH as it upsets him. I’m not particularly sad for DC - I don’t see them “missing out” as they have plenty of other family and friends who adore them and wish to be an active part of their life.

We don’t rely on anyone for childcare, nor would we expect ILs to provide it, it would just be nice for them to see DC once in a while but people make things happen if they want to, so we have to just accept that they don’t seem to want to.

Sorry that you find yourself in a similar situation, OP.

I think longshaddy post is correct and I don't see how it's rude or spiteful, although I disagree on the last line. It won't be a loss felt by the child. Kids are usually perfectly accepting of the number of and involvement of the grandparents they have, if any. Whether it be due to distance, ill health, death or disinterest few kids grow up with all four gp in their lives. Some have more than four due to step gp. So kids don't feel unusual no matter what they have.

The gp haven't lost out as they didn't want a relationship anyway. The only person who feels there has been a loss is the parent.

Just make your peace with it. And don't talk to your parents, obviously.

The kids will just have to accept 'grandparents' are the stuff of storybooks. They won't really miss what they never had, though.

Mine just said "don't expect us to babysit" when we announced the pregnancy, have never looked after them once, visited about twice a year since they were born - they live 5 mins away - and then stopped visiting long before covid. We now don't speak to them. They don't want to invite us over, they don't want to visit and have just become nasty little hermits who never go outdoors and sit watching Youtube conspiracies all day. They've alienated all of their family.

If they need care in their old age it's nothing to do with me. I've no intention of making contact.

We live 3 hours from both sets of grandparents. But the inlaws are always too busy to see us. Even if we give plenty of notice. Then we get horrible messages off my husbands sister that we don't bother to see them. She even got her aunt to ring us from France to have a go. I just can't be bothered by them anymore.

My grandparents from my dads side were never interested in us and my dad kind of forced us to have a relationship which is wrong and I still tell my dad this after having my own child. My grandmother used to say mean stuff to me behind my dads back and act all caring when my dad was around. They used to say how my cousins were so amazing but we weren't and they always used compare us. They were obsessed with my cousins, even converted their house into a mini crèche so they can look after them but one time when my mum asked for them to look after me and my sister as she was about to give birth to my brother, they came up with millions of excuses not to. My mum left us with my dad and then later left us with the neighbour when my dad had to go back and forth due to the complications my mum had during the birth. My mums family lives abroad so she had no help whatsoever. The favouritism was so clear and growing up it did affect my confidence as I used to question what was wrong with me and the person I loved most which was my mother, never was respected either. When my grandad died I never cried and my grandmother right now is asking to see all of us as she is in her death bed but she can go fuck herself. Funnily enough, none of the other cousins have visited her either despite giving her all for them.

Some people are just not that maternal and want their time to themselves, now they haven't got their children at home. X

@allboysherebutme I agree that many gp’s want and completely deserve time to themselves, but we’re talking about extreme cases on this thread, like seeing grandchildren once or twice a year, or never!

You've pretty much summed up the attitude of my parents, although your words "anxiety and dread" could be more accurately replaced with "don't really want to be bothered" in their case. Their six grandchildren (my three and my sister's three) made it to adulthood hardly knowing them.

My sister and I both knew that we could not count on them for any real support. We wouldn't have been asking them to bring up our children or do any regular childcare. A bit of interest that went beyond the arm's length weekly phone call would have been nice though,

It would also have been nice to have felt that we could have relied on some family support, but it wasn't there.

You feel the way you feel I suppose, but be careful how far you carry it if you don't want your DD to feel totally unsupported by her own Mum. It isn't nice. I've been there. I even remember a conversation with my mother during our teenage years when my sister and I were still living at home in which she very forcefully just said "Never, ever ask me to look after your children."

My Ma is in a care home…aged late 70’s, has Alzheimer’s…we see her every 2 weeks. We make sure she has what she want’s…I love my mum we always make sure she has nerds

Be thankful that you don't have to waste your family's time on such self-centred people.

My dm was like that. She wanted photos of her dgcs on the mantle piece, she liked to boast but she never wanted to be in a room with them, and ignored them if they were present. Leave them to their small selfish lives. Adopt a lovely neighbour instead. My ds has a surrogate granny (ex-neighbour) who loves him dearly 😊

My exes mum made such a fuss over ds1 being born I thought she was going to run off with him 🤣 then nothing she went from obsessed buying to ignoring him turns out she had another child his birthday was one day after ds1 and he died ex never got over her reaction ( he had quite a toxic relationship with her still does) ds2 she did the same ghosted as soon as he was born the part I find unforgivable is she prioritise her step grandchildren over her bio ones especially since the divorce not a Christmas card not a birthday card last year ds1 had a birthday card ds2 didn't its unfair

Of course it's all my fault not her son who has spent the majority of the last few years living with her

@Grimed i can see why this is so upsetting, not at all unreasonable to feel angry about it. I do wonder sometimes if grandparents get anxious about becoming depended upon for childcare. I see quite a lot of grandparents get pulled into being integral parts of their dgc’s lives, very difficult to get out of that gracefully if it happens. They may have friends in that situation and so tend to keep you and your DCs at arms length to avoid offence, or a situation where they feel they can’t say no. I’ve seen people be quite demanding of there parents on this regard.

It doesn’t make it less hurtful though.

@Readinginthesun Thats because childcare is unaffordable for most but so is not working and if your brought up in a household with unconditional love its an automatic assumption your parents will help you out. But I guess it's along the lines of the automatic assumption your parents will be interested in their grandkids..

My paternal grandparents doted on me and gave so much to my life, sadly they both died before I was a teen. I missed them and their love my whole adult life.

My parents didn't make any effort with my kids, I even had to ask them to send them a birthday card for the sake of my children's feelings. They had kids or their own later in life, who were a few years older than mine so we're absorbed in them.
I couldn't understand it. I was so excited to be a grandmother and my GS is the apple of my eye despite the distance (my DD emigrated)
Now my parents are older, they have come around and like being with their other GC's and my DGS when he is in the country.

People are weird. GP's can make such a huge positive difference to a child's life.
However I had another GP who lived with us and made it clear she hated and resented me ...so that was a negative impact. It's better that the GP's who will be negative do stay away. Sad though.

I find this quite sad....why say you 'don't like' a whole age group of people....that's like someone saying 'I don't like old people' or 'I don't like teenagers' it's a harsh generalisation and grandchildren are your own flesh and blood....if you love your DD why would you not love the children that are an extension of her.
I'm unsure why you had a child yourself if you dislike children so much, unless she was unplanned. I feel quite sorry for her really :-/
Grandparents can do both- have plenty of time for their own hobbies and pursuits and also be involved with the GC.And just because you didn't have GPs involved as a child doesn't mean you didn't miss out...it just means you don't realise that you did.

YANBU but ultimately by holding onto anger you only hurt yourself. It's easier said than done but you need to find a way to acknowledge that your feelings are valid, acknowledge that you can't change the way your parents are, and then find some acceptance with the situation.

I agree with the above. It's painful but the lacking is in them, not in your dc. It doesn't matter what your children are like really, they're clearly uninterested in them whatever, so in a sense don't take it personally... It's even worse when they have other preferred GC and just ignore yours.

It'll be easier on you if you can just accept it and move on. It's better to have no relationship with your grandchildren than a toxic one, less damage all round.

Thank you everyone for all your advice, it has helped a great deal to know I am not alone and that so many others have managed to make peace with their circumstances and move on. Knowing this gives me the strength to do the same. Thank you.

They have been entirely honest from the outset, which is fair enough. Unfair would be lots of promises to help out that never materialise. Clearly, there is a lot of unresolved resentment about the parenting role. It sounds as though there is a relationship between you and your parents these days, so how did you get there? Did you talk openly about your childhood with them? You can’t change their minds, but you could gently remind them that you value the relationship you have with them as an adult and you would like your grandchildren to feel the same, but no involvement with them as children will likely mean no interest from the grandchildren in seeing their grandparents when they are older. As to having an autistic teen - it sounds as though your parents don’t want to understand or can’t understand, and that’s frustrating and hard for you. All you can really do is hold your ground there. You could also say how funny/creative/kind your children are and how your parents are missing all that. If they view a relationship with your children as automatically meaning babysitting duties, is there another way to spend time as a family? The barrier seems to be the work involved in childcare, plus the communication difficulties with youngsters who are not necessarily that biddable.