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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask advice on living arrangements

69 replies

CrazyCatLady00 · 05/09/2022 11:55

Recently moved in with DP. I have 2DC and DP has none.
My DP thinks that bills and food etc should be 50/50. My DP earns more then me so I’m not sure if this is fair, even though technically there is 3 of us when my DC are with me and 1 of him.
As my DP physically goes out to work whereas I don’t, I seem to be expected to do all the cooking and cleaning etc. I don’t mind but I thought relationships were meant to be a partnership these days. Especially as he always goes on about equal rights and all that.
so my question is AIBU expecting my DP to contribute with housework if we are going halves on everything else money wise?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 05/09/2022 11:56

Did you not discuss this side of things before moving in together?

Hopeful16 · 05/09/2022 12:01

If you can afford it and still have some "play money" for yourself then I'd be ok with splitting things equally - he might earn more but as you said whilst he's still DP and not DH should he pay for your children!?!?
BUT the 50:50 split MUST also happen with the jobs too. Or you share the costs of help (cleaner) and he covers costs of takeaway meals or equivalent ready meals, etc on his days to cook.
He can't have equal and unequal at the same time!

Badgirlriri · 05/09/2022 12:02

Do you work?

SavoirFlair · 05/09/2022 12:04

Sirzy · 05/09/2022 11:56

Did you not discuss this side of things before moving in together?

Well, clearly not as OP is posting. But here’s a long time AIBU user to chip in with a kicking… thanks for that senseless contribution.

@CrazyCatLady00 I think there’s never total equality in these things but there needs to be a consensus or agreement on fairness.

so I would recommend looking together at all the costs, and then working out what he wants to save for/do and you want to save for/do. and weight it that way somehow. As in, you can’t reach a situation where your “half” of the total living expenses means you don’t have enough money to buy your DCs a drink when out or do normal things week to week, and he has all of the disposable.

SavoirFlair · 05/09/2022 12:04

Badgirlriri · 05/09/2022 12:02

Do you work?

My god. The OP says “My DP earns more than me”.

earns. So she works too.

is this thread just going to be abuse of the OP, yet again another AIBU where the OP is criticised for entertainment?

Original poster
CrazyCatLady00 · 05/09/2022 12:05

Sirzy · 05/09/2022 11:56

Did you not discuss this side of things before moving in together?

Of course we did but since moving in together I seem to be picking up all the chores. Including planning all meals which I believe should be done together 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
FrozenGhost · 05/09/2022 12:06

It's a bit complicated because it's a blended family situation. Should you do all the housework, obviously not. But 50% doesn't seem right either considering 75% of the work is generated by you and your kids, and only 25% by DP.

Campervangirl · 05/09/2022 12:07

I'd think 50/50 was a good deal as you bring 2 children with you.
Do you have any money left over?
Are you paying more now than you were before you moved in?
It's irrelevant how much money your DP earns.
As for the household tasks, you should split these.
Are you working?

Pinkdelight3 · 05/09/2022 12:21

It's hard with your DC in the mix e.g. I can see it makes sense for you to meal plan for your DC, hence that probably means meal planning for everyone, whereas him meal planning for your DC doesn't really make sense. It depends what you discussed and how involved he is with your DC, how old they are, and how much of the work in the home is down to your DC compared to what he was doing before - it's going to be harder having moved into his home than if you were setting up in a new place together where it would be a clean slate and feel more shared. Also he might feel like you're getting a good deal for 50/50 split and that you doing more around the house makes up for it. Course it'd be a nicer guy who said no I'm earning more so I'll cover more bills and also do 50% of the housework, but if he's working and you're not, that wouldn't be an equal partnership either as he's bringing more money and you're bringing more overheads. In short, it's quite the minefield and you need to have a frank discussion about everyone's expectations and input before resentments build.

10HailMarys · 05/09/2022 12:24

If it was just you and your DP I'd say it should be split proportionately to salary (eg my DP and I have a 60-40 arrangement because he earns more than me) but in your case, you've brought your two children with you so I think 50-50 is more than fair - if anything, it's a deal that works in your favour.

Household chores should be split in my opinion although if it's a situation where you clock off work at 5.30pm and are at home, while he has an hour-long commute each way, then there are times when it's going to make sense for you to do a bit more if you simply have more hours in the day than he does. But it certainly shouldn't just be you doing everything all the time. Could it be that, if he hasn't lived with kids before, he doesn't really understand the need for 'meal planning' or appreciate all the extra work that kids generate for you? It sounds like he's still wanting to live as if he was on his own rather than as part of a family.

Floomobal · 05/09/2022 12:28

I think your DP suggesting 50:50 when you have 2 children is generous. I’d be equally generous around the house, and do a bit more than 50% as you’re at home more than him

Original poster
CrazyCatLady00 · 05/09/2022 12:53

Floomobal · 05/09/2022 12:28

I think your DP suggesting 50:50 when you have 2 children is generous. I’d be equally generous around the house, and do a bit more than 50% as you’re at home more than him

How is it generous though? When you live together, the other person then becomes a co-parent and we are also getting married which obviously would then make him their stepdad.
And as for doing more then 50% around the house, I already do around 95%

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 05/09/2022 13:00

Unless the dad isn't around, that's who the co-parent is, and even if you're the only parent around, lots of mums (and dads) don't want their DP to co-parent step-kids. Certainly there's plenty of people who don't see living together as becoming a co-parent to DP's kids, but as you do then I guess that was discussed in-depth and it was his agreement going into this? In which case, it's fair to pick him up on why that's not happening now. Most mums would want to differentiate between who has a full parental role though and not want their DP to have equal weight in that regard, unless the DC were being adopted by him.

As for getting married, from what you've said so far, I'd put that on hold. If you discussed doing 50/50 housework and he's leaving you to do 95%, that needs sorting out long before you tie the knot as it'll only get worse afterwards. Don't get into this any further until you're both happy with how things are distributed.

Pinkdelight3 · 05/09/2022 13:02

On the financial side, is the DC's dad not contributing any ££ for the DC? They're his responsibility, not your DP's. Hence it's generous that your DP is covering some of the costs.

Hont1986 · 05/09/2022 13:04

When you live together, the other person then becomes a co-parent and we are also getting married which obviously would then make him their stepdad.

You really need to have a conversation about how he envisions his role as their stepdad, because there are no set rules with blending families. He might not want to have a co-parent type role, and perhaps the children won't want that either. If you go into this assuming he is going to start being an equal parent and hand out his time and money like a parent, you might end up being disappointed.

wibblywobblybits · 05/09/2022 13:09

"which obviously would then make him their stepdad."

Yes, he is technically their step dad but my step parents never had a say in my upbringing or contributed financially to it. And nor should they have to. Unless he is adopting them and becoming their legal father then he has no obligation to support them financially, that's your job as their mother - and their fathers job (if he's involved). I think your DP offering to split 50:50 is generous!! What would you prefer? That you pay a larger share and then split the housework equally? Or are you seriously suggesting that it's fair for your DP to contribute more to the household pot to cover your children?

Some men would do this happily I'm sure, but I certainly don't think it should be expected.

Original poster
CrazyCatLady00 · 05/09/2022 13:13

Hont1986 · 05/09/2022 13:04

When you live together, the other person then becomes a co-parent and we are also getting married which obviously would then make him their stepdad.

You really need to have a conversation about how he envisions his role as their stepdad, because there are no set rules with blending families. He might not want to have a co-parent type role, and perhaps the children won't want that either. If you go into this assuming he is going to start being an equal parent and hand out his time and money like a parent, you might end up being disappointed.

He does co-parent them. He disciplines them etc and calls them his DC too.

OP posts:
Fifthtimelucky · 05/09/2022 13:17

On the face of it, the OP will be getting a very good deal with a 50/50 split for bills, especially if the children's father makes a financial contribution (as obviously he should).

The housework split surely depends on how many hours is paid work each partner is doing.
We don't know if the OP is working 8 hours a week or 48. We assume her partner is full time, but is that 37 hours a week with a 5 minute walk, or is it more like 60 hours plus a long commute?

Pinkdelight3 · 05/09/2022 13:20

He does co-parent them. He disciplines them etc and calls them his DC too.

Sounds like he's picking and choosing which bits of co-parenting suit him - he gets to tell them off and take credit for them, but doesn't want to pay like a parent or meal plan or clean up after them. Again, you need to keep talking to him about this as your idea of parenting and being your partner is not the same as his, and neither of you are fully right or wrong because as PP said, there's many many different ways to blend families and it can go wrong in lots of ways. Honestly, I don't think he's obligated to pay for your DC, and the co-parenting you mention doesn't come with a price-tag that means he has to pay up to do that. Assuming you even want him to be disciplining them and saying they're his - some women wouldn't want that, and nor would the dad.

Ihatethenewlook · 05/09/2022 13:23

The cooking and cleaning should be split evenly if you have similar working hours. Your boyfriend does not have any rights or financial responsibility for your children, no matter how much you try and convince him or us that he’s a co parent. I think it’s fair you cover 2 thirds of the bill as you outnumber him 3 to 1. Technically you should be covering 3 quarters, but this allows for him being a higher earner so having more disposable income.

GoAround · 05/09/2022 13:24

50:50 sounds more than reasonable given there are 3 of you and 1 of him. Unless the 50% is actually making you worse off than you were before you moved in, at which point the whole arrangement probably needs a rethink.

Cleaning maybe 60:40 would be fair, given you’re at home more and I’m sure some of the cleaning is related to the kids. You doing 95% is absolutely not ok though. If he doesn’t want to do it then he needs to pay for a cleaner which should more than doable given his other expenses should have gone down as a result of you moving in and paying 50%.

Drivebye · 05/09/2022 13:24

Where is the DCs Dad - does he not pay for them?

Sorry but it sounds a bit like your DP just wants a housekeeper. Also surely, when you lived on your own you had 100% of bills. Were you renting?

Drivebye · 05/09/2022 13:25

Also presumably he cleaned his own house and did all food shppping and cooking before you moved in?

Floomobal · 05/09/2022 13:26

CrazyCatLady00 · 05/09/2022 12:53

How is it generous though? When you live together, the other person then becomes a co-parent and we are also getting married which obviously would then make him their stepdad.
And as for doing more then 50% around the house, I already do around 95%

Show quote history

Living with someone doesn’t automatically mean you have to take on all responsibility for their children, or even 50:50.

I think he’s being generous so far. You don’t. The thread is full of various opinions. Therefore demonstrating that what you perceive to be the clear and obvious way of blending a family is just that - your opinion. Your partner is entitled to have an opinion too.

I think I’d find your attitude a bit cheeky if I was him, but you have to decide what you’re both happy with

Ihatethenewlook · 05/09/2022 13:35

Pinkdelight3 · 05/09/2022 13:20

He does co-parent them. He disciplines them etc and calls them his DC too.

Sounds like he's picking and choosing which bits of co-parenting suit him - he gets to tell them off and take credit for them, but doesn't want to pay like a parent or meal plan or clean up after them. Again, you need to keep talking to him about this as your idea of parenting and being your partner is not the same as his, and neither of you are fully right or wrong because as PP said, there's many many different ways to blend families and it can go wrong in lots of ways. Honestly, I don't think he's obligated to pay for your DC, and the co-parenting you mention doesn't come with a price-tag that means he has to pay up to do that. Assuming you even want him to be disciplining them and saying they're his - some women wouldn't want that, and nor would the dad.

Why do you say ‘gets to tell them off’ like it’s a good thing? It’s not a bonus having to live with and put up with the trials and tribulations, and at times pure aggro of living with other peoples children and having to discipline them. He’s doing the op a favour paying for half of her childrens expenses while helping her parent them (where’s the actual father)? I can understand him not wanting to clean up after 2 extra children who don’t belong to him, on top of paying for half the living costs for them and their mum. It shouldn’t be a case of ‘you don’t get to have a say on my children you live with unless you pay for them’. The ops landed on her feet here with the financial arrangement and she’s trying to take the piss out of him. If it were the other way round people would be telling her to run for the hills!