To ask advice on living arrangements

[CrazyCatLady00]

Recently moved in with DP. I have 2DC and DP has none.
My DP thinks that bills and food etc should be 50/50. My DP earns more then me so I’m not sure if this is fair, even though technically there is 3 of us when my DC are with me and 1 of him.
As my DP physically goes out to work whereas I don’t, I seem to be expected to do all the cooking and cleaning etc. I don’t mind but I thought relationships were meant to be a partnership these days. Especially as he always goes on about equal rights and all that.
so my question is AIBU expecting my DP to contribute with housework if we are going halves on everything else money wise?

Why do you say ‘gets to tell them off’ like it’s a good thing?

I'm saying it in the context of what the OP has posted, not in the context of your particular experience. She says he disciplines them and says they're his but doesn't do many other things that she considers important. That's what I'm responding to, and it's completely fathomable that some people like bossing DC about and get a kick out of it. I've tried to give a balanced response and as you'll see, I'm in agreement with you in several ways e.g. I said almost exactly this -

It shouldn’t be a case of ‘you don’t get to have a say on my children you live with unless you pay for them’.

When I said "the co-parenting you mention doesn't come with a price-tag that means he has to pay up to do that". So no need to discipline me, thanks. I get it.

Thank god he hasn’t got the same attitude as you because if he did, I would be the one running for the hills. Imagine choosing to live with someone with kids and having that attitude.

I think you need to find out as soon as possible, and definitely prior to marriage, exactly what your dp wants his role to be. Your kids could be adversely affected if the two of you marry and he isn’t wanting to be involved financially. I’m not saying he should or shouldn’t, that’s entirely his choice, but you need to know so you can make an informed decision about your dc’s future.

Fwiw, I don’t think he is being unreasonable at all re the finances at this stage, although I do think that if you are going to be a family he does need to consider splitting things equally after your marriage. But if you’re not comfortable with this now, you need to re-think the arrangement, particularly if your dc will be affected in the future and he won’t step up to support (again I’m not saying he should, but as a parent you need to consider these things before committing long term).

I'm in a similar situation OP. DP moved in with me, and my 2DC, he has none of his own.
We haven't merged finances.
We pay bills equally.
I pay a bit more for food.
I pay for anything else my DC need (clothes, sport equipment etc)

He WOTH, I WFH. He also works longer hours. So I often do end up doing a bit more housework, just because I'm here. But we both end up with similar amounts of leisure time, and we cook as equally as we can, with him working shifts. Whoever doesn't cook, cleans up. DP also helps with the school runs, shares the laundry, and has some set jobs that he does when it suits him, so that I don't even have to think about them.

We did have some thorough chats about this early on though. My exH was a lazy manchild and I wasn't risking that shit again. If DP didn't see us as a team, I don't know I'd have let him move in.

OP, I think the money side of things is probably fair at the moment, because you aren't married, nor have you merged finances. But the balance of chores is NOT. Your DP doesn't get a 1950's style housewife unless 1, he's financially providing for her and her DC, and 2, she's ok with that set up. He needs to step up, and split the responsibilities fairly.

But the balance of chores is NOT.

I don't think anyone can say that until we know what the work hours are. If, for example, OP is working 16 hours and him 37, then I think it's fair that she does the vast majority of housework until their free time equals out.

OP,

Be very careful.
It sounds like you are his housekeeper cook, paying half the bills.

Not a good deal at all.

Is he making your life much better?

For goodness sake don't marry a man who is treating you like a skivvy the minute you have moved in.

Your children deserve better than this.

Long term it will not work and the relationship will end.

Do you both work FT? If you work PT, then it's absolutely fair you should do the majority of tasks.

If you both work FT, how long is his commuting and how many hours does he do? If he is out from 7am to 7pm, again, it's fair you do more, although he should do his part at the weekend.

How old are the kids? Do their dad contribute in any way?

Him FT and I’m PT. I don’t mind doing more like I said in my OP but agree that he should at least cook a meal or something at the weekend otherwise I never get a day off like he does.

DC are secondary school age and their dad has no relevance to this post hence me not answering those questions.

They're not his kids though and you presumably get maintenance from their father to contribute to their cost of living?

DC are secondary school age and their dad has no relevance to this post hence me not answering those questions.

Of course it's relevant

Understood about the dad, but unless you've been with DP since they were tiny, it's unusual for him to think of them as 'his' and, as others have said, not usual to be paying for them like a parent would, whether the dad is around or not. That said, it's crap that he's not even cooking one family a week and it doesn't speak well of how he thinks your roles and responsibilities should be divvied up. Seems like your expectations of him are too high (re. getting paid for and co-parenting) and his for himself are too low (doing FA housework now you've moved in) so it all needs re-thinking and re-balancing to be more in the middle. Also, the DC should be doing more about the house if they're secondary age. Don't become everyone's skivvy!

Also, as PPs asked, number of hours of PT is relevant too - and arguably why not work FT as kids are older, so you can cover their costs not expect DP to?

*cooking one family meal

Why is it?

It sounds as though you and your kids should be doing 75% of the chores as there are 3 of you. You dp sounds very generous!

Because if you and your DP are splitting living costs 50/50 but you're getting financial contribution from their father, that means your partner is actually paying more towards you children's living expenses than you are

I think it sounds fair enough to be honest. More than fair even. You have two secondary age children so why still part time? They are not his children so 50/50 sounds more than fair
As for household chores my husband isn't a lazy arse but I do more than him around the house as he works full time and I'm part time. I have more time than he does to do things

No problem. I’ll leave him to walk his dogs then and if they cry at me during the day for a walk or soil everywhere, I’ll leave it for him to clean up when he gets back. Does that sound about right 🤔

YANBU to think he should do more household chores, not 50% because he’s working FT and you PT. But yes to making dinner a few times a week, doing cleaning for a few hours a week and so on. He really should if he going to be an equal partner and coparent- as equal also means equal responsibility and equal time off.

I think 50/50 money wise would be fair if there isn’t a big gap between your earnings as the DC are your children, and if he is relatively new in their lives. It’s possible, some posters on here the OP is working 2 days a week and earns 90% of what her DH earns working FT. But, if he’s earning significantly more than you..anything above 150% of what you earn, then it’s absolutely not fair because at that gap the higher earning partner is going to expect a more expensive lifestyle than the lower earning partner would choose if on their own…ie bigger house so higher utility bills & mortgage, a second car so extra costs there, a foreign holiday…things most single mums part time working couldn’t afford so still cannot afford to pay her “fair share” on. Also if he’s been their stepdad since toddler age, then again the bills should be split proportionally not 50/50 as he is for all purposes committed to raise them as if they were his own DC.

If that's how you negotiate you're prob better off moving out than getting married.

It sounds like you need to have a chat with him to review how things are going, and you can both say what you think works well and what works less well.

You can say you think his 50% of the bills is very generous but you aren't sure that's fair. And that you hadn't quite anticipated that you would be doing more of the chores etc as youd imagined they'd be split down the middle.

My random guess is that, in his mind, he is paying in more money because "that's what a gentleman does" and in exchange you do more chores because "that's what a woman does". But if you don't discuss how you both think the domestic side is working out, you won't know.

It's one thing to harbour such bitterness and resentment to a husband of twenty years, and quite another to be talking like this before you're even married.

You should be covering the costs of your dc living there, and then half of the costs of two adults. If he has a mortgage then you shouldn't fund that (and instead pay rent over to him for you and dc) , but if its rented then you should be paying for you and your dc to co-rent.

🤣🤣🤣 he was the one who suggested it. Bye bye troll 🤣

Been on here 15 years and never been called that but okay. You do you, hun. Bye!