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Original poster

Manipulative/Toxic partner/Forced abortion

71 replies

JayAay · 05/09/2022 01:03

I've never written in a forum before, things have just became overwhelming and I am completely isolated from friends and family..

I'm 11 weeks pregnant, I have my 12 week dating scan in 1 week.. What should have been a happy time for me has made me so low, scared, anxious and depressed..

I found out I was pregnant at 8 weeks so I've known for two months now, I was excited and happy, being 29 years old, it's the right time for me.. My partner is 26 years old..

I did a surprise party for my partner which was really lovely, a nice dinner in a Italian restaurant and lots of cute gifts, filled a box with his favourite snacks, sweets and chocolate, printed pictures of us, a handwritten note, spin the wheel with all the reasons why I loved him + the babies due date, a scratch card that revealed to him I was pregnant and a week's indicator pregnancy test..

Unfortunately the surprise was not taken well.. He freaked out and said he wasn't ready which was surprising to me because we have been talking about pregnancy for months, I thought he would be happy for us..

Now we argue non stop, he puts alot of mental stress on me to get an abortion, emotionally blackmailing me, guilt tripping me into considering an abortion when it's not what I want.. The relationship has become so toxic and it's completely draining me..

He tells me he will kill himself if I don't get an abortion and that I'm the worst person he's ever met who doesn't care what will happen to him as long as I get a child out of it.. Constantly swearing at me and giving me abuse.. I'm starting to feel scared and unsafe around him..

I do feel bad for him that I want to keep this baby as we have only been together for 6 months and I know the timing may not be great, but he knew I wanted a baby and we used no protection for months before I got pregnant.. He told me he would support me if I fell pregnant, but when I actually did, I have only had stress on top being very ill, no support whatsoever..

Me and my family don't speak for many years and I have no friends here, I'm very isolated and feeling alone.. Am I wrong for wanting to keep our baby when it could impact him badly? I know if I got an abortion I wouldn't be able to live with myself..

OP posts:
DmitriMendeleev · 05/09/2022 01:14

If you are 11 weeks, but found out at 8 weeks, how have you known for 2 months 🤦‍♀️

Hawkins001 · 05/09/2022 01:16

All the best and positivity op

Thenose · 05/09/2022 01:18

No, you're not wrong for wanting to keep your baby. He's abusive. Leave him and have your baby alone, or leave him and have an abortion. Either way, get the hell away from him and ignore his attempts at manipulation.

Thenose · 05/09/2022 01:19

"If you are 11 weeks, but found out at 8 weeks, how have you known for 2 months"

You've missed the point.

Cw122 · 05/09/2022 01:23

I'm also a little confused around the timelines you've given but I think you maybe mean that you've known for 2 weeks rather than 2 months. I think firstly, his reaction is really out of order if its something you have both talked about and if you both knowingly had sex with no contraception then he must have known this was always a possibility. Secondly, threatening to kill himself unless you act a certain way or do a certain thing is emotionally abusive and highly manipulative behaviour and is completely out of order. Its a serious red flag for domestic abuse. Thirdly, its your choice, if you want to have the baby then he doesn't get to make that decision for you and there's plenty of support systems out there for single mums. Hopefully expanding your friendship circle and meeting other pregnant women might help you feel less alone. You just might need to be prepared to do it without him.

I'm tempted to say that maybe when the news sinks in he might come round as what you've known about for weeks is brand new to him, but his reaction was pretty out of order regardless of how shocked he might be and would make me question if he's like this in other areas of your relationship in which case get out now.

CactusBlossom · 05/09/2022 01:25

You need help and support, and you need to get away from this man.

user1471457751 · 05/09/2022 01:27

What did he bloody expect if neither of you were using contraception?
You've only been together 6 months and you are almost 3 months pregnant - this was always likely to end badly. You barely know the bloke. Keep the baby if that is what you want, he cannot force you to have an abortion. But be prepared to be a single parent.

giveovernate · 05/09/2022 01:31

This is all very toxic, only being together six months but you've been trying for a baby for months, so essentially as soon as you met?

But the baby is on its way now, so I would finish with your BF, make arrangements to raise the baby alone.

Hopefully he'll pay maintenance and support you, but I would t be surprised if he didn't.

Pantsomime · 05/09/2022 01:33

Your relationship is over- idiot immature man child threatening to kill himself because he can’t control his dick and surprise he made a baby- twat- leave him. Have the baby if you want it but ditch the bloke- you don’t really know him but what you do know should have you running and not looking back. You need to be happy he’s reacted this way so quickly- you have a chance to escape now

fallfallfall · 05/09/2022 01:53

☝
this what @Pantsomime has said.

britneyisfree · 05/09/2022 02:07

Good luck. I'd give up on him and focus on raising your child alone.

No one should be forced to terminate ever, regardless of the circumstances.

ShitABrick22 · 05/09/2022 02:22

I’ve been in your situation (although we’d been together longer than 6 months and were living together). I ended up terminating because I felt I had no choice. And it really messed my head up. If you really want to have the baby then of course that’s what you should do, however it does look like you’ll be doing it on your own.

You’re in a very new relationship and he’s now showing you his true colours. Think long and hard about whether you want a permanent tie to someone who behaves like this. Take it from someone who has had two kids with two dickheads, it’s not easy going it alone, whilst navigating arsehole exes. Parenting really is a two person, full time job, in an ideal world.

10 years on from the termination I had, I am now very glad I didn’t have a dc with that ex. He did actually end up killing himself (years after we split up), so I’d have had to explain that to the child which would have been shit. And even if he was still alive, co-parenting with him would have been a fucking nightmare.

I think if you keep the baby you need to protect yourself by getting in the mindset that you are on your own, and then you will be saving yourself from a lot of future disappointment. If you’re lucky you’ll get maintenance, but I wouldn’t count on anything more than that. I’d also be considering whether now is a great time to be potentially entering single parenthood, with the wider economic situation, unless of course you’re independently wealthy.

HeathcliffsCathy · 05/09/2022 02:33

Whatever you decide get away from this abusive man. You can't think straight while dealing with his immaturity and frightening behavior.

Here is a list of organizations offering support and help to pregnant women and new mothers.

www.bestbeginnings.org.uk/charities-uk-support

Original poster
JayAay · 05/09/2022 03:00

You guys are right, is there a way to edit post? I've never used this before

Edit I'm 3 months pregnant, I found out at 4 weeks preg, I've known for two months, i didn't even realise when I wrote that when I re read before sending 🤦🏽‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
JayAay · 05/09/2022 03:02

Mistake, I wrote a edit

OP posts:
stayinghometoday · 05/09/2022 03:16

Your relationship is unsalvable because you now found out what he really is like. He won't kill himself if you keep the baby, that's just manipulative talk. He probably won't want to be in the babies lifez. End the relationship and do what you want to do. You need to start

stayinghometoday · 05/09/2022 03:18

Pressed send to soon

You need to start planning to be in contact with your friends (and maybe family?) again. I don't know why you aren't so that is sometging you need to look at. You also need plans if you are going to bring this child up alone.

Original poster
JayAay · 05/09/2022 03:18

I honestly have no idea how to use this forum, sorry guys, I should add I have known him for 1 year and we were neighbours messing around for a few months, and then got into a relationship for the last 6 months, we both don't speak to our family, we both moved out at 15 and have been living alone since, and had alot in common..

we were together every day inseparable, and when he asked me to be his girlfriend, he also asked me to move in, I was reluctant at first because I've been alone for so long but ended up believing this massive fairytale he was selling me about us making our own family..

So we stopped using contraceptive and had unprotected sex for months until I got pregnant.. Then he just completely changed and has moved to another area near by but was continuing to live with me "for support" but constantly degrading me..

Also TMI sorry guys, but when we have been having sex while I'm pregnant, he's really rough and deliberately hurting me down below, I asked him numerous times to stop being so rough because I was genuinely scared he would be able to hurt the baby, asked MW at the ten week scan and she said I should be okay..

OP posts:
Biscuitandacuppa · 05/09/2022 03:27

He is trying to make you miscarry, he doesn’t want a child at all. You need to make a simple decision - him or the baby. Domestic violence often starts when a woman becomes pregnant and the lack of connection with this pregnancy means he could also behave abusively to the baby. Chuck him out, he isn’t there to support you, he’s there to manipulate and frighten you into an abortion.

HeidiHFH · 05/09/2022 03:31

Should my husbands mother and father monitored my baby over 2 years and then gave him a list of concerns about my baby’s development without telling me I am really upset as I do not agree with these concerns

Original poster
JayAay · 05/09/2022 03:38

@Hawkins001 thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
JayAay · 05/09/2022 03:40

@Thenose thank you, leaving him and continuing with the pregnancy, I'm just scared if he did hurt himself because I'm pregnant, I couldn't cope with that on my conscious, I'd feel so guilty

OP posts:
Original poster
JayAay · 05/09/2022 03:44

Hi @Cw122 I made a mistake, I meant I've known since I was 4 weeks pregnant (7 weeks) I just rounded it up to knowing for 2 months..

He's also known for two months now, initially I thought it would just be a case of nerves

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 05/09/2022 03:48

He isn't going to hurt himself, that's just a blackmail tactic. He's more likely to hurt you. The sexual violence is a worry, how far would he go? Will he punish you after the birth? He's incredibly unstable. You do need to start thinking about you and if you are keeping it, the baby, rather than him. You need pregnancy counselling, quickly. It sounds as though you both got caught up in a fairytale, but now reality is hitting him and you need to think if you can go it alone.