Manipulative/Toxic partner/Forced abortion

[JayAay]

I've never written in a forum before, things have just became overwhelming and I am completely isolated from friends and family..

I'm 11 weeks pregnant, I have my 12 week dating scan in 1 week.. What should have been a happy time for me has made me so low, scared, anxious and depressed..

I found out I was pregnant at 8 weeks so I've known for two months now, I was excited and happy, being 29 years old, it's the right time for me.. My partner is 26 years old..

I did a surprise party for my partner which was really lovely, a nice dinner in a Italian restaurant and lots of cute gifts, filled a box with his favourite snacks, sweets and chocolate, printed pictures of us, a handwritten note, spin the wheel with all the reasons why I loved him + the babies due date, a scratch card that revealed to him I was pregnant and a week's indicator pregnancy test..

Unfortunately the surprise was not taken well.. He freaked out and said he wasn't ready which was surprising to me because we have been talking about pregnancy for months, I thought he would be happy for us..

Now we argue non stop, he puts alot of mental stress on me to get an abortion, emotionally blackmailing me, guilt tripping me into considering an abortion when it's not what I want.. The relationship has become so toxic and it's completely draining me..

He tells me he will kill himself if I don't get an abortion and that I'm the worst person he's ever met who doesn't care what will happen to him as long as I get a child out of it.. Constantly swearing at me and giving me abuse.. I'm starting to feel scared and unsafe around him..

I do feel bad for him that I want to keep this baby as we have only been together for 6 months and I know the timing may not be great, but he knew I wanted a baby and we used no protection for months before I got pregnant.. He told me he would support me if I fell pregnant, but when I actually did, I have only had stress on top being very ill, no support whatsoever..

Me and my family don't speak for many years and I have no friends here, I'm very isolated and feeling alone.. Am I wrong for wanting to keep our baby when it could impact him badly? I know if I got an abortion I wouldn't be able to live with myself..

@Cw122 also thank you for your in depth message, a part of me was thinking maybe im wrong about it being emotional blackmail/guilt tripping as he was telling me I was the one being toxic and guilt tripping him.. and another part of me was telling me his behaviour is a massive red flag..

Also he's not always messing up my mind, there are times when he seems to be happy I'm pregnant and says things like "I want to know the gender" "hope it's a boy" and helped me choose baby names 🤯

@CactusBlossom thank you

@user1471457751 thank you, I wrote an update

@giveovernate I wrote an update, honestly child support is the last thing I care about, I can do it alone and without a penny from him and honestly I think it might be best :)

@Pantsomime thank you, I'm sorry, what you wrote in your message made me laugh, I've needed that thanks, your right, it's the best thing for me and bump

@britneyisfree thank you I will do :)

@ShitABrick22 I posted an update, sorry you went through that and haven't had great luck with the dad's, I can definitely do this on my own, in an ideal world, this is definitely not how I would want it to go but I know I will be a great mum regardless..

I don't need child support money from him, I'm no means wealthy, but can support myself and a baby into adulthood for sure 😊

Im going to be 30 soon and just feel like im ready and now is the perfect time for me

@HeathcliffsCathy thank you for the advice and the links

@stayinghometoday thanks for the reply, speaking to my family again is out of the question, they refuse to speak to me for the last 14 years because "I brought shame on the family" I'm British Asian, they tried to get me married at 15 to a man who was 25 years old because it was a good business deal for my family apparently to marry with his, I ran away from home and they have never forgiven me..

@Biscuitandacuppa what you said is absolutely terrifying and I genuinely think your right, I thought he was trying to do that as well and that makes me want to leave him

Thank you @Ponoka7 it's definitely time to break up

He’s not your partner. He’s a flat mate you’ve been having sex with. A partner wouldn’t do this to the person they love.

Move on.

You can't stay with a man who is trying to hurt the baby whilst having sex with you.

It is very soon to be having a baby, but you're already pregnant.

Get away from him regardless of what you decide

LTB, set up on your own & have the baby, you don't need a newborn & a 6 foot toddler.

Break up with him, he’s not a good person for you to be around and plan how you can manage the baby without his support

I'm just scared if he did hurt himself because I'm pregnant, I couldn't cope with that on my conscious, I'd feel so guilty

That's a standard line men who want to force their pregnant partners into an abortion use ...I've heard it quite a few times on here now. Some of the women had the coerced abortion. Some didn't; to my knowledge none of the men did it. They're far too selfish and self centred.

Anyway even if he did (extremely unlikely) that would be on him, and would be utterly ridiculous... Because at the end of day he can walk away and not even see the child, he will be chased for some maintybut it's not much and some men done everything they can to avoid it too (unemployment, self employment, paid in cash, move abroad etc etc). So why take your life over it, it could barely effect his life if he walks away.

*some maintenance

You need to stop having sex with him, stop trying to have a relationship with him.

He definitely sounds like he's trying to make you miscarry with the extremely rough sex.

That is abusive, sinister, really disturbing.

Did the MW not get you some help for abuse (when you expressed your concerns about effect of the rough sex and they reassured you it is unlikely to have affected the pregnancy)?!

This man is an abuser. He is trying to make you miscarry with the rough sex. Stop having sex with him, stop interacting with him, don't put his name on the BC and make a claim for child maintenance when appropriate.

He is dangerous. There is nothing to savage here. Keep him away from your baby once it's born. A man who would behave like this isn't safe to be around a baby he doesn't even want.

if I were in your shoes, no matter how much I wanted this baby, planned for this baby, I would not have this baby with this man.

Personally I would terminate. It would be heartbreaking at this stage. But a life with this man (let’s face it, it’s possible he could go on to wanting a relationship or cohersing you into a relationship) life is not going you be easy. Terminating will allow a clean break from years of future abuse.

In general, I hope in future you take your time before TTC in a relationship.... You may have been "messing around" with him for months before you got into a relationship but you e essentially only been in a relationship a few months and have been ttc from early on in it; he went along with the fantasy but now reality had hit, you can see he didn't really understand it or mean it, it was pie in the sky ... And he's now showing his true colours, trying to blackmail you into an abortion and even trying to make you miscarry and hurting you with rough sex

Yes, there's a chance even a man you knew well, had a long, time tested relationship with could turn like this, but it seems more likely with someone you haven't actually had a chance to know for long.

You've rushed into this. You seem like you had him on a fantasy pedestal (with all the favourite treats for him, photos of you together, the big romantic pregnancy reveal, in fact the treats for him at a pregnancy reveal is quite odd; like you're quite submissive to him/always trying to please him or something) .... You e now discovered that it was a fantasy he was paying along with, too stupid/risk taking/irresponsible to realise you could fall pregnant any day, and what it would mean.

Maybe youve rushed into this because you're estranged from your family and are desperate for a replacement family of your own, for love and security.... You need counselling to make sure you don't repeat this pattern in future, for yourself and your future child's sake.

This. You need to get away from him now. He is already trying to harm you / the baby and will get more dangerous as the pregnancy progresses and the time for an abortion is passing.

Your decision about the baby is separate from leaving him. Your relationship is already over and you need to get to safety before he hurts you physically.

As others have said, a man who at this stage is apparently willing to try to end a pregnancy with through sex, not caring how much you are hurt in the process, is potentially dangerous.

A certain type of man will resort to beating and kicking (or even trying to cause a fall) to try to end a pregnancy too, you're at risk of (worse) domestic violence.

They are also men who'll buy abortion drugs/abortifacients online and mix them into drinks/smoothies to give a pregnant partner.nive actually seen this discussed on a male dominated forum.

I wouldn't be drinking anything he's had access to, I wouldn't be having sexual contact with him, in fact I'd be ending all contact with him. A man who's trying to force you into an abortion, and who's apparently having extremely rough sex with you in the hopes he'll cause a miscarriage, hurting you in the process, is not going to turn around and become some prince. If you want to be a mother, the only way you and your baby will be safe, is to be a single one, away from him.

People are also correct in saying he shouldn't have access, he's not safe and you need to make sure he had no automatic parent rights by not putting him in the birth certificate.

This is awful OP. Make a GP a appointment this morning. Your GP will be able to get support for you. Also call Women's Aid. They are very helpful .good luck.