Manipulative/Toxic partner/Forced abortion

[JayAay]

I've never written in a forum before, things have just became overwhelming and I am completely isolated from friends and family..

I'm 11 weeks pregnant, I have my 12 week dating scan in 1 week.. What should have been a happy time for me has made me so low, scared, anxious and depressed..

I found out I was pregnant at 8 weeks so I've known for two months now, I was excited and happy, being 29 years old, it's the right time for me.. My partner is 26 years old..

I did a surprise party for my partner which was really lovely, a nice dinner in a Italian restaurant and lots of cute gifts, filled a box with his favourite snacks, sweets and chocolate, printed pictures of us, a handwritten note, spin the wheel with all the reasons why I loved him + the babies due date, a scratch card that revealed to him I was pregnant and a week's indicator pregnancy test..

Unfortunately the surprise was not taken well.. He freaked out and said he wasn't ready which was surprising to me because we have been talking about pregnancy for months, I thought he would be happy for us..

Now we argue non stop, he puts alot of mental stress on me to get an abortion, emotionally blackmailing me, guilt tripping me into considering an abortion when it's not what I want.. The relationship has become so toxic and it's completely draining me..

He tells me he will kill himself if I don't get an abortion and that I'm the worst person he's ever met who doesn't care what will happen to him as long as I get a child out of it.. Constantly swearing at me and giving me abuse.. I'm starting to feel scared and unsafe around him..

I do feel bad for him that I want to keep this baby as we have only been together for 6 months and I know the timing may not be great, but he knew I wanted a baby and we used no protection for months before I got pregnant.. He told me he would support me if I fell pregnant, but when I actually did, I have only had stress on top being very ill, no support whatsoever..

Me and my family don't speak for many years and I have no friends here, I'm very isolated and feeling alone.. Am I wrong for wanting to keep our baby when it could impact him badly? I know if I got an abortion I wouldn't be able to live with myself..

Also he's not always messing up my mind, there are times when he seems to be happy I'm pregnant and says things like "I want to know the gender" "hope it's a boy" and helped me choose baby names 🤯

He's all over the place. Totally unreliable and messed up.

And do you know what ... I actually find the fact he's a future faking, irresponsible, abortion coercing, miscarriage attempting bastard to be totally in line with him wishing the baby is a boy. He's a sexist misogynist.

What will happen if it's a girl.

It sounds like he only wants it (and he already only wants it half the time, or whatever percentage of the time he's positive about it for) if it's a boy.

I'm so sorry about what your family did to you op

You've been treated very badly, you've had a really bad blow in life being unfortunate enough to be born into a family like that.

Please don't get into it stay in abusive, shitty relationships because you're estranged from them, and want security. That would be them doubly abusing you, but the latter at your own hands.

This guy sounds too immature to be any kind of decent partner and father; "we'll TTC, I want a family too .... I don't want this, I'll kill myself if you don't abort .... Maybe I do want this, I hope it's a bit, when is the gender reveal ....." While having sex violently enough to hurt you/cause you injuries in the obvious hope of causing a miscarriage.... Back and forward, up and down.
Will it be back to "get an abortion" if the baby is a little girl?

He's unreliable, unstable, deeply immature, and abusive. He's also potentially dangerous.

*I hope it's a boy, when is the gender reveal?

The MW has also apparently failed you in not forwarding you to support for abuse (unless you related the extremely rough sex as mutual/consensual ... Even then).

@BigChesterDraws thank you, your right

@Vikinga we spoke and he's picking his stuff up later today, I don't feel safe to meet him so I'm leaving his stuff outside my front door

@Nat6999 ain't that the truth 🙌

Not seen it (yet)....I just came on to say I love Imelda May! I've seem her twice in concert, once at the Royal Albert Hall. She's popular enough to sell out the Royal Albert Hall and that was about 8 years back.

@Shoxfordian thank you, already done :)

you are not wrong to want to keep your baby, he's not wrong to freak out at the suddenness of it all.
You said you were talking about babies, but how was that? did he lead it, did you? were you talking about babies and he's nodding along? Were you using contraception etc etc. There's a lot going on.

And you may think the announcement with all the stuff was cute - that may have been for a more established relationship where TTC was really on the cards. Surprise pregnancy? not so much. Sorry.

Ignore all the "i'll kill myself" talk - that is manipulative bollocks. Have this baby if this is what you want, but assume you are on your own here. Sorry.

@LemonDrop22 hey, appreciate the messages, we have stopped having sex, he really hurt me badly a few days ago and I told him we couldn't have sex anymore, he was trying to pressure me into having sex again a few times after that and I firmly said no..

The MW was actually lovely but she was a temp mw as my allocated mw was off that day, temp midwife did pull me aside when I was getting my weight and height measurement and asked me if I had any concerns, if I was getting abused..

I asked about the rough sex etc and how I was worried about my baby, at that time though it had happened for the first time so I didn't think anything of it and didn't say anything further but since it's happened multiple times since, I know now he's trying to hurt me..

clearly my reading comprehension isn't up to much.

I'm surprised your midwife didn't offer you more help when you told her about the rough sex, tbh, at least in terms of where to go for advice.

Single mum/lone parent here OP. My ex was abusive so left when she was two. My Dd is now 13.

We have had no contact with him since Dd was 3.

If you want to do this alone you can. It's hard at times especially the early years. Join Gingerbread and any other groups you can for support.

Are you in a decent career/job?

Lastly, being on your own with a child is way easier than being with a partner who is an abusive arsehole.

@ChrisTrepidation your right, solid advice thank you

You need to leave this relationship now. He sounds awful.

Then think if you want to keep this baby on your own. Either option is fine. Read up about what having a baby without support would entail before you decide. It’s ok to decide that now is not the right time for it.

If you keep the baby, do not put this wanker on the birth certificate.

@Pleasecouldihavesomeadvice I understand your advice, but I really couldn't bring myself to have an abortion, all my life I've wanted a child, I haven't dated in 8 years prior to this current disaster of a relationship..

I had a stillborn birth when I was 20 and a miscarriage when I was 21, it completely broke me and I didn't date for a long time after it.. I don't know if I would get another chance after this to get pregnant naturally.. this relationship has completely put me off having another one..

I am really pleased that you are separating from him, but please remember that the most dangerous point for an abusive relationship is actually finishing it. You might want to take a look at the advice on the Women's Aid website about it. You need to be careful.

I would think very carefully about keeping the baby. This baby ties you to that man for a very long time. You may be lucky and have him just walk away, but he might use the child to manipulate and bully you. I know you want a baby, but the cost is high with this one.

I wish you all the best. Look after yourself!

Congratulations on the baby and preparing to leave this twat.

I'd think really carefully about how you're going to play it if he decides he wants to be a part of the baby's life.

Please don't get back with him, even once the baby's born. The 'rough sex' is horrific and shows you exactly what he's capable of.

This is my advice. You want the baby.

Tell him you've had an abortion/booked it. Then tell him you'll never forgive him and move house ASAP. To another town or city or just a far way as you can.

Get him 100% right out of your life and raise your baby in safety. He will continue to abuse you of he thinks you're keeping the baby. Do this and you'll be free of him and his abuse. Otherwise, prepare for a lifetime of misery, control and abuse from him. Make no mistake.

Sorry guys, I'll reply to the rest of the messages later, it's 8.15am here, haven't slept a wink last night, just been deep thinking all night, when I originally wrote this post earlier, I was very confused due to the mental abuse he's given me the last two months, I felt strange, like I couldn't completely differentiate right from wrong, I wasn't sure if I'm the problem, reading all these messages has definitely helped clear up my brain fog and see much more clearly from other people's perspectives.. I'll try and get some rest and reply later, morning sickness is kicking my ass right now 😂

He’s an idiot for not using protection then acting surprised. But I’d certainly think carefully about having a child that’ll bind you to this guy forever.